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51
51
Review of THE ANCHOR  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

Second, I'm on an indefinite loan to "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  at the behest of the "Invalid Item"  and the "Invalid Item" (temporarily out of order) so...

Hi Yellow Rose*Bigsmile*


*Reading*First Impression:
I see you reviewing quite a bit, but when I read the poems you have up here, well... they're powerful stuff. A deep sense of spirituality comes through strong and clear.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Consistency, short, sweet and to the point. As I was once told, make the point in the fewest words possible. This is one of the strengths of poetry.

*Checkg*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Not really applicable in this case.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one. The word choice for the second line in the second paragraph throws me. In context of the first line in the second, the second line feels like it reads backwards. It almost feels like it should read "Our Father's arms can hold you."
Maybe I missed the twist in the wording? or I missed the meaning?


*Right*Conclusion:
A well done poem, quick and to the point, simple and clear. oh, and ending on a positive note was a great way to wrap us such a succinct piece.

DOC
Duke-CastleChaos
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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
One Review at a Time
"Invalid Item" 
52
52
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

Hi *Bigsmile*
I actually ended up reading this piece because the title caught my eye. It' was listed under the "Online Authors" bar down the right side of the screen. So, that's how I got here.

*Reading*First Impression:
Stories about characters are much more gratifying in the long run, and this seems to be one of those. It comfortably slides into a consciousness... the reader starts to connect with the characters fairly early on through exposition.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
By the end of this piece, I had two very well defined characters sitting across from each other at coffee in the morning, and the love for the state of West Virginia. I almost want to go and drive the roads you've brought to life.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
In this case, this is more of a question than a suggestion. Aside from the evident relationship between the two main characters, what is going on here? What is the conflict and growth frame of the story? Moving and starting over is good, but what's the conflict? Unless the main character's are each other's conflict and growth problem? I'm really up in the air as to what else could or might be coming... As a reader I have no idea why I'm reading this at this point. We've found that the protagonists are getting along (mostly?) but they have no problems to conquer (Yet?) so I'm rather ambivalent about that part.
Oh, and when jumping from head to head, it helps to break the scene with the usual * * * or something. Switching back and forth like you have here seems that I'm reading an omni viewpoint... slightly uncomfortable for current readers...


*Right*Conclusion:
I like the writing style, smooth and comfortable, not jarring or choppy at all. and having a piece of work that has no jarring punctuation or grammar errors in it is always a pleasing occurrence. I liked this piece, it has a good feel, the only real problem is that by the end I have no reason to read further, which is what the prod at the top of the story (the description?) asks. Just my two cents.

Cheers.


Duke-CastleChaos
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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
One Review at a Time
"Invalid Item" 
53
53
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

Second, I'm on an indefinite loan to "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  at the behest of the "Invalid Item"  and the "Invalid Item"  so...

Hi *Bigsmile*

*Reading*First Impression:
This is a powerful story, I had to read it three times over before I stopped getting hung up on the details and impact, and was able to actually analyze it. Man, what a powerful topic, with such a deep underlying message of faith, family, love and support.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
I like that despite the message being so powerful, you didn't hide it much at all. The "what happened to Beth" was strung along nicely as a metaphorical carrot to keep me reading. That worked very well, and without actually giving the details until the final point, the reader is cued up to come up with the meaning first (always pander to the reader's ego), Personally I've found that when I am lead to a conclusion like this and it is confirmed, then it _feels_ good. The other option is to put a twist on the end that leaves the reader going "Why didn't I see that coming?" but this is not one of those stories, and you left such an approach well enough alone, that's a good thing.

*Checkg*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
No major issues found. I would have used commas differently in some cases, and semi-colons here and there, but on checking it truly it seems that it would be a matter of choice... not technical proficiency.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
As it stands, I only really had one suggestion, and that was to try to create fewer jump-scenes (the * * * part where you shift perspective and jump around in things...) it breaks up the story quite a bit, and left me scrambling to put it together. The pacing was well done, but maybe try to do a continuous stream of consciousness or two at most after the opening end shot that sets our scene in the story.

*Right*Conclusion:
You asked the following in the PDG review page:
Any/All things and Am I "hooking" the reader enough in my opening lines? My family says my writing is too "sappy". Do I need to tone down the sentiment? Am I too ambiguous? Do I need more clarification in my theme?
And in answer to these questions, yes, the hook could have been more compelling, you eased into the story fairly smoothly. A hard and fast entrance starting somewhere with the priest rather than just the mourning family would have hooked me sooner and harder. (just a suggestion remember). As for toning down the sentiment or strengthening the theme of this piece, I don't think either of these needed any work.
I almost cried when the father found the daughter's body...

This is a good piece of writing. I only dropped the rating from a 5 to a 4.5 because of the jumpy feel of the cut-scenes, and the occasional feeling of not knowing which perspective I was supposed to be in (who's head am I in now?)


DOC


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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
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54
54
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
FMS Challenge Short Version:

First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
I like how you have drawn the reader inside Sam's head right at the start. We see his motivations, his reluctance, his ultimate humanity.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
This story strings a reader along, for the first half of the story I'm desperately trying to figure out what's happening, what he's transporting, and to where.
Additionally, the whole internal conflict that Sam goes through, and the reminiscing is well done.

*Checkg*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There are a couple of comma breaks, especially in the dialog, that break things up a little too much, but without getting into a line edit I can't relocate what I noted on the way through the first time.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only two. I'd have probably been a little more subtle than the story presented, concerning the reveal where Mike calls his contacts to confirm the plan, and two, the ending comes across as too contrived. If there was some way to ease into it so that the final twist was more sudden, and more gratifying... I'd have to do a re-write using my own words to see if that were possible; but then again, these are my two cents, feel free to disregard.

*Right*Conclusion:
Overall a good story, with a good motivator and well developed character. Reading it was compelling, and I liked the ending being left WAY up in the air like it was. Makes me want to know what's going to happen next....

DOC
Duke-CastleChaos
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55
55
Review of Push  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
FMS Challenge Short Version:

First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Well, my first impression is that this is one heck of a story, and with that I'm going to discard the rest of the reviewing form I usually use.
The story sounds like it has a good grounding in reality, (possibly personal history of somebody you might know, I've done that with a story or two).
The fact that this story is focused almost exclusively on one person's development, and as such is a character driven plot-line, which always works for me. If you can hook me with the character's personal dilemma then I'm in... (frustrating as a reader, but there it is... I'm always wondering how the character's I've read are doing now, even if I read them more than a decade ago)

*Pencil*Suggestions:
I just have one real suggestion for this item. Maybe try re-writing it as the cover blurb (what are they called?) and try to condense the whole thing. Remove the choppy sentences, rework the slightly unfocused nature of the piece, and really "push" the personal character component to the potential reader, then I wouldn't have even thought this deeply about the proposed novel, I'd have walked out of the store with a new book in my hand.

*Right*Conclusion:
So, would I read this based on what is here? Yes. Probably. Character driven plot lines tend to work better for me than situationally driven ones.

Keep Writing. Cheers!

DOC
Duke-CastleChaos
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56
56
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, this review is from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank-you for allowing me to read your work, and I hope you find my suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything I saycontrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Smile*

*Reading*Impression:
As I start reading this piece, I am struck by how simple the structure is. Overall the piece is a very fast read, straight-forward and I do like the lesson inherent in the story (follow the advice of your teachers, or something like that). Unless I'm mistaken, this story is aimed at a younger audience, the whole presentation and pace/depth seems suited to a reader that's fairly early on in their reading career.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There were a couple of small punctuation errors, here's the most obvious one I ran across:
I’m so excited about going on a special mission today, that I’m not even thinking of food.
The comma after "today" probably shouldn't be there, unless I'm reading this wrong. There were a couple more, but honestly I noted them on the way through, but can't seem to re-locate them now that I'm writing the review... *tired, kids, late nights, early mornings*

*Pencil*Suggestions:
The only real suggestion, aside from having a neutral eye check for spelling, punctuation and grammar slips (I need one, if you find any good people with spare time to do this, please feel free to point them my way *Bigsmile*

*Right*Conclusion:
An enjoyable quick read, with a well planted message that comes across loud and clear. A good story that gets a message across without being "preachy" about it.
Thanks for sharing.


DOC
Duke-CastleChaos
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57
57
Review of A Nautical Tale  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done

*Reading*First Impression:
Fun, playful, catchy, and possibly even viral in it's impact.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
The rhythm and timing work out well, and your word choices is vibrant and alive, ripe, bursting with meanings

*Pencil*Suggestions:
The ending seems to fall apart when I read it, the whole pace changes in the last three lines, I'm not sure how I would change it, but there it is.

*Right*Conclusion:
A delight to read. Thanks.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
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58
58
Review of An Oath Sworn  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done

First Impression:
Well, not really a first impression. I had to find this after reading "The Avatar Awakens" at http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1328...
the whole of the story seems to be much clearer now.

Characters:
One main character, Bellemarr is very well done. I can empathize with this man's drives, his pain, and his motivations.

Structure:
Only one thing to note here. The disconnect in the middle of the story, from the bedchamber to the throne room is a little jarring. Not sure why, but there it is.

Plot:
Oh my, as noted this is an excerpt, and yeah, I can see how the larger story could come together.

[In Closing:
Man, I'd pay for this as a book or an E-Book, either way, I've become invested in the characters and care what happens, both sides of the conflict now... *sigh* good writing. See you around.



DOC
Daniel O Casey
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59
59
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done

First Impression:
This is a stand-alone story. Don't take this the wrong way, but that sucks. I so wanted this to be the first chapter, or even a prologue for a fantasy novel, or better yet, a series... It's been quite some time since I stumbled on a new fantasy series that I could really sink into and lose myself. This felt like one. But for all that it's a stand alone story, it was a fantastic read.

Characters:
My oh my. There are such real characters in this piece. Marrinae is filled out well, with expansive realms that she could expand into. The rest of her troop were mostly fairly standard, the twins were a nice touch however. And the final piece, the antagonist that truly believed in his rightousness... always a winning creation.

Structure:
This is a single set piece, and as such it was paced well. The buildup was about right, with a little more hanging and stringing than is really needed in the beginning, but that could just be my personal taste. I do tend to prefer a faster more concise read that just burbles past my consciousness. Good overall however.

Plot:
Plot? What can say about plot? There's a massive amount of both foreshadowing and back story built into this one piece, please see what I said in the opening "First Impression." The plot is good as far as it goes, but this feels so muc like it should be a much larger story. *sigh* but not right now I guess..

Worldbuilding:
Relying fairly heavily on the reader to fill in the blanks worked well. The author has created a setting, with hints at the larger world, but without actually going into any detail. This works, but if the story is going to be expanded then there will need to be some attention put towards the world-building, just for consistency in a world of the expanse that is hinted at in this one scene.

Suggestions?
Only a couple. One, see the comments about this feeling like a much larger story. might want to play with that. Two, as I mentioned, the opening sequence seemed a little lose and rambling, it works well but if you tighten it up a little (less unfocused descriptors of things like the herringbone patterns) then it would run faster and build suspense/anticipation commensurate with the fight that is coming.

IN Closing:
A well built scene, and I do so wish it was longer, the ending came a jarring sensation, I had been pulled fully into the story by that point, and wanted to keep reading. Keep up the good work.



DOC
Daniel O Casey
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60
60
Review of The Office  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done

*Reading*First Impression:
An endearing quick little read. I started reading it, but was soon turned off by the simplistic structure, however something compelled me to keep reading. Then it hit me.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
This piece captures the energy and frustration that young one's feel in our "adult" world, how we're boring and frustrating because we can't see the plain truth of our own boringness. I have a three year old who's turning thirty next month, and this piece captures his temperament exquisitely.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Ahh.. only one. Some in depth expansion on the whole story would do well to deepen the impact, at least to me as a reader.

*Right*Conclusion:
Well written, no glaring issues, and delightfully accurate in it's portrayal of a young perspective.

DOC
Daniel O Casey
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61
61
Review of Sunshine  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, these are just my thoughts. Writing is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done



*Reading*First Impression:
I showed up here on a "Random Read"
What a succinct look at reality. I was moved by the clarity of the thoughts involved. You seem to have distilled the possibility of evolution of the human species down to a single passage here.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
The whole of the essence of God and Humanity seems to be pulled into this piece, and the nature of humanity's wickedness contrasted with a vengeful God, all wrapped up into an epiphany of transformation.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
None really. The only thing I noticed was that while presented as paragraphs, the content seemed to be more suited to song or poetry. The lyrical portrayal, and the cadence just made it tricky to read as paragraphs, much like the bible is hard to read as paragraphs. Not sure I would change it, but then again, that's just me.

*Right*Conclusion:
A truly delightful read, it lifted my entire morning, after I got over the trick of reading it in the right pace.


DOC *Reading*
Daniel O Casey
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62
62
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done.

Second, I know very very little about poetry, so this is a completely untutored and unprofessional review.

*Reading*Impression:
A dream hey? What a vivid dream. As with most poems, I had to read this through about three times before it clicked and made any tangible sense to me. It seems to be a good free-verse poem, with powerful imagery and there are so many things/messages I could try to read into this piece. I won't go into that here however. If you personally want to hear those messages, let me know and I'll send them over privately.

DOC *Reading*
Daniel O Casey
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63
63
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)

First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done

*Reading*First Impression:
Short, to the point, and well set without wasting words on things we didn't need for the statement to make sense. I liked it.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
There was a message, the message (of the pitfalls of consumerism, advertising, and ultimately controls on everything including the people who make up society) came through clearly. and finally, the whole piece was well structured with no noticeable grammar, spelling, or punctuation errors.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
the only lack I noticed was that at the end I felt I wanted to know more about the man standing on the hill, lamenting the silence.


DOC *Reading*
Daniel O Casey
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64
64
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done

*Reading*First Impression:
This looks to be a deep story, and with a couple of touch-ups it could be one of those page turners I can't put down.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
The character development of Sophie is superb. Even without much by way of obvious physical description, I am already given a sense of who Sophie is and how she might look. Additionally the love that Sophie has for Nadia comes through very clearly. I'd almost hazard a guess that the writer knows what it is to love a child despite all odds and circumstances.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Grammar and punctuation all seemed spot on (I didn't notice anything wrong) but the narrative was rambling occasionally, such as the reference in the last paragraph about the mom's sewing room, such items don't much advance the story, especially when the clutter of the sewing room is established already about four lines previous.

*Right*Conclusion:
It's not my usual style or genre of writing or reading, but there is a definite human component that has been nailed down in this first chapter. Extra words and sentences are about the only real thing to watch for that I noticed.

DOC *Reading*
Daniel O Casey
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65
65
Review of The tollbooth  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done

*Reading*First Impression:
What an impressive world you have created here. The texture of the night in which he is immersed is tangible. The only thing I could want for on that front is to have a longer story with more content to it. However, as a standalone scene, a quick and dirty piece of writing, this one is Very Good.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
As mentioned, the vivid and tangible descriptive phrasing, a delight to be strung along with words like that. Oh and the final concession at the ending, it was quick, to the point, and not entirely without redemption for Bill.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one. The whole piece started out with a seductive feel to it, the "come follow me down the road to damnation" that we can envision a Succubus using, but then the whole style changes to that of a blunt instrument. I'm not sure if this was intended for dramatic impact (it worked if that was the purpose) but it was somewhat jarring when I read the story through.

*Right*Conclusion:
A good horror piece, and I don't usually like horror pieces because of the gore and shock value they often utilize. As a writer you haven't done this, and it worked very well for the story. Well done.

DOC *Reading*
Daniel O Casey
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66
66
Review of Paper World.  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A good little piece, I don't know if I could have managed as much with so few words.

Having said that, the emotions I recall from waiting while the doctors assessed my little one for bowel problems, the fear and the panic. I was airlifted from our home town to the BC Children's hospital with my newborn son and my wife. And standing outside surgery waiting to see if she was going to be alright, and to see if whatever was wrong with him could be fixed, that was the point I refound God.

I think that you have caught the feelings of that despair, and the closing line of "God was smiling too." mostly reflects the sense of wonderous redemption that I felt when that moment came.

I don't normally score things highly unless they resonate with me on emotional level, and while this piece neither made me laugh or cry it did hit me on an emotional level.

Write-on.

DOC
Daniel O Casey
A Knights Of The Reviw Table Review
67
67
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I'll be honest here, poetry is not my strength, ever.

The only thing I can remember about haiku is the 5-7-5, and the first time I read this the imagry baffled me. In retrospect, the reason for that is probably the my children are whiney as all heck today, but we just spent two hours at the park and then just now I read it again.

This time through it became clear. The imagry as portrayed in both of these pieces brought me back to my childhood and the magic of running almost wild in the native forests of northern Ontario.

I remember the whispered conversations, the hushed conferences , and the unseen lives hiding just out of sight beyond my ken. These precious and treasured memories are what your poems have brought back to me.

Thanks for sharing

DOC
Daniel casey
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68
68
Review of A Day on the Farm  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Oh, where do I start? First, I don't really like chickens, so as warped as it makes me seem, I thought this was funny as all heck.
An irreverent and entertaining quick read.
Thanks for sharing. *chuckling*

DOC *Bigsmile*
69
69
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A well played story. I would have to say that keeping the entire story i.n the first persons perspective was instrumental in making the suspense and the final twist work right, and while I wasn't happy with the lead getting killed, the ironic twist of Orson blowing himself up when lighting the cigarette was blunt and appropriate.

well done, I enjoyed this immensely.

DOC
Daniel O Casey
Knights of the Review Table
70
70
Review of Speeding  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*First Impression:
Ended up here on a random read, and I like it. There is an essential truth hiding in this piece of writing.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Oh goodness, what do I focus on? I'm going to have to say both the characters you've created and the way they interact without actually ... well... interacting. Such depth, and the use of the one fellow (Jack) to carry home the point of the story, quite well done.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only two, first watch out for missing words, (I do this all the time, so I know how easy it is) such as this phrase "... were allowed [to] plead our particular cases..."
And the second is to check and make sure that you are not repeating yourself in the longer descriptive sets, maybe it's a personal thing, but reading extensive descriptions that can be conveyed in half the words can get frustrating to some.

*Right*Conclusion:
This piece feels like an introspective journey prompted by external events and hung (as humans often do) on a social framework. Well written and conveyed. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

DOC *Reading*
Daniel O Casey
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71
71
Review of Thy Will Be Done  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading*First Impression:
Delightful in a sad kinda way. You've done so well at creating Mat as a character, then to have him shown to be an AI in the final twist was quite well done.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
To develop slowly over time the central character Mat, with the finesse that you have shown here, requires forethought and no small does of skill. Well done.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
I've been trying to come up with something to suggest regarding this piece, but the only thing that comes to mind is the awkward phrasing of
" ten thousand times or ten thousand times ten thousand." On the same line, (I know I have a book around here somewhere that lays out the rules, but I can't find it) but using numerals rather than spelling out the words longhand might not be a good idea. Then again, in the ten years since university the grammar rules concerning the presentation of numbers in text could have changed.

*Right*Conclusion:
A deep and moving piece, looking at the nature of belief and life. I enjoyed it, was saddened by the hopelessness of Mat's situation, and surprised at my empathy for what is both a fictional character and a computer program, not alive in the traditional sense.


DOC *Reading*
Daniel O Casey
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Review of Shear Madness  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading*First Impression:
Oh wow, I have two little one that are approaching this type of behavior, and they fit this profile to a "T". This story made me smile, almost made me laugh out loud.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
You have defined the parent's place and frustration rather precisely. When all else fails... but I really don't want to. Maybe I read too much into the words on the page, but when he said "You hated me when I cut your car." and you replied, I couldn't help but remember when my three year old weeded mommy's flowerbed, prize flowers and all (he has an obsession with picking the heads off of flowers.) and she got frustrated and actually had to yell at him to get the message through.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one. I don't have my punctuation and grammar book handy, (and I certainly don't have any formal opinions on precisely what is correct or not) but it seemed that the commas chopped up the flow of some of the sentences, things like
"For a long moment, he stared into space, as though deep in thought." I would personally pull the first comma out, giving the final part of the statement more impact.

*Right*Conclusion:
It's so refreshing to come across somebody who can actually accurately get the nature of children down in words. So many try to write about kids, but the characters end up coming across as little adults, not children. You've done a marvelous job with this piece. Thanks for sharing such a personal moment.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
Knights of the Review Table
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Review of The Bond  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)

First Impression:
Oh wow. This hit me on so many different levels, all in under three thousand words. There are so many social commentary levels in this piece, I'm simply in awe of the way you have woven it all in.

Characters:
We're only actually extensively involved with one character, Lydia. In the beginning we've gotten a good feel for who Lydia is/was, and start to understand her, but as the story moves forward Lydia becomes somewhat empty as a character. There's sorrow still in her, but the balance of the emotional character that was Lydia seems to have dissolved. Unless you intended this effect to show the impact of the horrors on her, and the subsequent usurpation of her free will by the aliens, then you might want to check this out, maybe tweak some presentation issues to bring back more real life into the character.

Structure:
Well presented, with the breaks being used to jump time gaps working fairly well. A couple thousand more words would help to ease the transitions but there's always the word count limit. The only thing that threw me was the opening paragraph, I felt that this would be better placed about 2/3 way through the narrative. just my thoughts tho'.

Plot:
Oh, my, where do I start? You have three major things happening here. The collapse of human society, the destruction of a completely alien society, and the evolution of a new hybrid, all in three thousand words. The plot was huge, however you manged to fit this into three thousand words is beyond my scope.

Worldbuilding:
Things start to fall apart here a little bit. I only see this because I have done the same thing. And in a story of 3k words it's an understandable shortcut to make. Allowing the almost everything about the environment to go unsaid is usually a safe endeavor, but in describing the state of the city's and the environment at 2/3rd of the way through in such detail, the lack of descriptive narrative for the rest of it (no warm fragrant breezes, no gritty feel of the gravel, etc, etc.) seems to me to be glaringly missing.

Suggestions?
Lidia - Lydia, which is it? Aside from that only what I mentioned above. The emotional space created in the character and the environment. As it's written it's hugely powerful. I don't know if it should be changed, but it's a thought.

IN Closing:

Oh my, quite a piece of work here. I did so enjoy it. Like most of what I truly enjoy however, this one made me think, and slightly unsettled. (that's a good thing for a jaded and thick hided reader). I think I'm going to need a few minutes to let go of the feelings this piece engendered in the reading of it.


DOC
Daniel O Casey
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Review of Wishful Thinking  
Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Reading*First Impression:
This was fun to read. Kinda like a he said-she said thing. The contrast on the different wishful thinking of the two people does so highlight the differing mental deceptions we feed ourselves, and how our subconscious will correct such deceptions.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
For the most part, the whole thing was composed quite well, the imagery and the descriptive were effective and pointed. Nothing missing there.
*Pencil*Suggestions:
Just a couple of points. First watch the tense you're writing in. It switched from past to current and back to past in a couple of places, (just adverb choices, i.e. ... you joined me for .....together we explore....., first is past, second is present) The other suggestion is to watch the structure of the sentences, some are rather convoluted or long for their impact.

*Right*Conclusion:
I do so like how you've pointed out that wishful thinking will be trumped by reality every time, he did follow the Tahitian girl instead of you, so you beamed back to reality. I feel that you have captured the essence of how history is in the past, and unless we're ready to do all the original groundwork again, we can never pick up with old friends or old flames, goodness knows I've run into that problem in my life....



DOC
Daniel O Casey
Knights of the Review Table
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading*First Impression:
It's a guess, but this looks like a contest entry. Regardless, it's an entertaining and quick little read. The whole scene, and the sequencing were well presented.


*Checkg*The Good Points:
Again, the structure, sequence (Open, middle, close) and the story arc were well done. And it bears mentioning that I can't find anything wrong with the technical side of the writing. A simple story, a quick writing/reading style and it's all wrapped up by the end, no loose hanging points like I tend to have.


*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one. The Flow of the piece was sort of choppy, short sentences, that kind of thing. It worked in the piece, I just found it hard to read. A couple of passes were required to make it work right. I am going to guess that this was due to the nature of the contest, and either word count or time restrictions.
*Right*Conclusion:
Thanks for sharing this, it was a fun story, and it did make me smile.


DOC
Daniel O Casey
Knights of the Review Table
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