I'm not sure I can apply the usual framework review template to this article.
It's touching and powerful in a way that I don't often run into during my writing or reading. The only times in my entire life that I have been held in thrall by such extended descriptive narrative are when I have visited my grandparent's and great uncles/aunts places.
At that point I tend to slow down and life takes on exactly the tone that you have presented in this piece.
Finally, the closing comment, of a "specter of a trust rarely seen" was more poignant than anything I have written to date.
True, touching, uplifting, a joy to read this item. Thanks for sharing.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
Knights of the Review Table
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First Impression:
Reading this, I have no idea if it is supposed to be prose, a short essay, or what. But in starting to read it, I was compelled to continue reading it. I couldn't stop. The Good Points:
Such artistic descriptive narrative is quite, well... artistic. I can see in my mind's eye the "scrawls, the loops and curves." etc., as they form. This almost sounds like an abstract philosophical abstraction on the nature of life and passion. Suggestions:
I'm not sure I can think of any. Sorry. Conclusion:
I love the closing, "I cannot possibly be addicted to WDC."
Well, maybe you can't, but I sure am..
DOC
Daniel O Casey
Knights of the Review Table
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First Impression:
Technically a flawless piece, I was intrigued when I first started reading it, and only became disturbed when reading of the third body he found. Well written, rather dark, but I suspect that's exactly what it was supposed to be.
The Good Points:
Again, a technically flawless piece of work. The imagery and descriptive phrasing were well constructed and well written. The appropriate twist at the end, where he becomes the thing he idolized yet feared. There was a definite sense of "ah, hah. that's good" when I read that part.
Suggestions:
Only one. When I started reading it I got the impression that he was heading up the staircase, (due to how it was written) when in fact he was heading down.
Conclusion:
I am learning many things, and reading this has taught me some more. Well written and well done, if somewhat disturbing when reading it at one in the morning.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
Knights of the Review Table
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"Don't you think I know that?" Tarn blew out a violent breath and his face came closer to hers as he emphasized, "But there's nothing either one of us can do."
"You're wrong."
Tarn looked at her with interest. "You have an idea?"
I like this bit. I really did. It piqued the reader's interest, it's one of those wonderful red flags that a good author puts in to say, "and here it get's interesting."
Well, the plot thickens. Is Bryce going to help? What about Kali's influence on Adrian, will it make it. You've strung the story line out quite well to this point. I found myself wanting to go deeper into the "special techniques" for therapy, but focusing on Adrian's emotional and physiological responses to the retraining seems to make it work better. Specifically, when I tried to figure out how to heighten the impact of the passages, I failed miserably, and then re-reading it, I realized that you had managed to do just that.
We're given teasing glimpses into what might be Adrian's mental process, through an indirect reasoning from Kali's special point of view. An effective and unusual tactic.
Seriously the only thing I can think of so far to suggest is that you might try cleaning up the descriptors of the machinery that the therapists are using. I read it the first time and saw something like a cement mixer being lowered over his head, and on the second reading I am seeing something from the Star Trek sick bay getting lowered into place.
Excuse me while I go read the next chapter. Compelling story line, hard to let go of it.
First Impression:
Alright, I'll admit, purely as a reader, I'm hooked on the story.
The Good Points:
Adrian gains some depth. This was foreshadowed in the first chapter, and delivered. Also, bringing Kali back into it so we don't lose her was well timed. Finally, the therapists twist was unexpected. I didn't see that coming (pardon the pun) up until that point it looked to be a standard torture and physiological restructuring process.... hmmm....
Suggestions:
Not yet. Well written, and without doing an actual edit job I can't see anything that stands out. Conclusion:
Naturally, I'm going to have to read the next chapter.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
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First Impression:
Build slow, introduce as we go along. first chapter ofa much larger police rulings, so I know i's thee, but I have to find teh tinmm[[cm
Characters:
We get to know Kali very well, and she's starting to take on a real identity. Even I can relate to her and I'm a 35 year old father of three who grew up in the bush.
Bryce shows potential, but so far seems a little under-inflated.
I started out considerinig Adrian as equivalent to DATA or SPOCK from startreck. I do like the promise of future issues was well done. That will keep reading.
Plot:
Umm.. first chapter of what sounds like an eighty thousand word story, can't comment on plot yet, I'll go read chap 2 and get back to you.
Worldbuilding:
Believable class structure, reasonable society, the balance so far is a ship, not much world to build. but well done nevertheless.
Suggestions?
None yet, have to have much more of the story under my belt. spelling and punctuation have no glaring issues, didn't do a line by line edit, but that's life.
IN Closing:
Well started, if the rest of the book lives up to the promise herein I'll be a happy reader
I love how you have presented Norveg as an individual, allowing us to assume that he was human. The casual introduction of how he is a rat was timed to perfection, or so I think.
I can't really come up with anything to suggest for the entry, probably why I marked it that high.
Regardless. Congratulations.
With two toddlers and a teenager in the house, I can see exactly what the situation described looks like. Chaos masquerading as a sleepover, where nobody sleeps, dad is barely functional by morning, and they little ones are ready to start all over.
The only thing I can suggest to this one would be to pull a couple of words here and there, to tighten up the tempo of the piece. For example, "The little one's are to sweet for murder, but turned Dad into a chicken herder" I would have phrased thus "The little one's, to sweet for murder, Turned Dad into a chicken herder"
But not knowing much at all about poetry, I could be completely wrong, maybe there had to be a reason for the tempo and syllables as presented?
Regardless. A lovely poem about the infuriating future leaders of our country.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
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As this is not a fictional story, my usual approach of plot, structure, characters, etc, etc won't work, so here's my two cents.
First, thanks for sharing this. You have created a very uplifting piece of memory here, despite the tragic nature of the situation. The descriptions of the conversations you had remind me of similar conversations I had with my own father as he was battling liver and lung cancer a few years back.
There are many more things that this piece triggered in me, but I'll cut it short here as most of those things can be summed up with the line: Well presented emotional content, it allowed me to connect with the narrative, despite the fact that I was not the one who lived it.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
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First Impression?
I loved this story. The opening descriptive paragraph was counter intuitive to my writing style but it totally worked with the way you used it to set up and introduce both the situation and the characters. Artfully done.
Characters:
Christine seems to be the lead character in the story, and as such is well portrayed. The internal conflict is apparent, and the reader is able to empathize easily with her emotions. An understandable character with internal conflict, always a good lead, gives the story depth.
Summer. I honestly had trouble seeing past the tough-girl stereotype on this character, but for a support role in the short story here, that was just fine. She needed to be there to contrast with Christine, and it worked well.
Kalvin. A mystery presented in a puzzle, wrapped in an analogue. The references to Kalvin make me want to read any sequels that might come up.
Structure:
Well, it's a short. It works as a short, but it reads like an introduction to a much longer or larger piece.
Worldbuilding:
As mentioned above in the first impressions, the world as presented was as real and gritty as if I were standing there myself, breathing the dusty parched air. Since it's about an apocalyptic world, this works.
Suggestions?
None really, the only thing that I might have tweaked was to plug a little less happily ever after in the final statement, Kalvin did come through with the food and some good news, but the truth is that they were out of there, and it was a bad situation, only partially mitigated by the food.
IN Closing:
Well done story, the scope and breadth as presented worked very well. I honestly would pick the book up and buy it based on this introduction, just to see where they were heading next.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
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Powerful, moving. One feels that they can't make a difference, but like the bell ringer with the bucket, the only differences ever made are by one at a time.
The voice of the speaker comes through clearly even though I don't often follow poetry ( a deficiency on my part ). I can't really make any useful suggestions to such a poignant poem.
It made me empathize with the speaker, anger at the dad, frustration and compassion (pity?) for the older brother, etc.
If you haven't already, you might want to put this out just before the holiday season this year to highlight the issues that came through. If even 10% of the people who read it react as I did then the world would be a better place.
God Bless.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
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I have to say, I like this entry much better than mine. Mystique, a calling, leaving the reader wanting more. Dang good starting. Problem is, as with all flash fiction, when it's written as well as this, I want to hear the rest of the story. Thsi reads like the starting or prologue of a very good novel.
DOC
Daniel O Casey
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Overall: A riot to read, funny as all heck, but then again I also live out there in the sticks, and do things like this occasionally, Bow hunting and Black bears comes to mind.
Only a single suggestion: the flow seem slightly off, It's kinda jumpy in the middle paragraphs, with the bugs interrupting the sequencing of the narration.
Summary: the emotional is all there, the catch and hook work well, the layout or presentation is about the right pace for the situation, just the narrative flow. Probably just that I have a measured reading style and reading this out loud was tricky.
Oh, and I've put 150GP's back in, I liked this, and it seems cheap of me to take a reward on something I genuinely enjoyed reading. I mean 250 characters is hard to avoid if I'm going to say anything at all.
Deep, touching, emotionally difficult to grasp. Logic overrides emotion and the pain that results. I don't know what else to say. Powerful stuff. Deep and thought provoking. Social commentary on so many levels. Kudos, I liked this one.
Overall, a touching story. The positive twist at the end was good, a reaffirmation of the original positive nature of the protagonist.
I'm not sure if the twist at the end was supposed to be foreshadowed, but it was rather clear from the point where Harold came in. Not detrimental, just somewhat obvious (to me at least, but then I do tend to think sideways and jump around the logic process).
The Good: Well, all of it.
Suggestions? The only thing I come up with is a slightly choppy sentence structure and presentation. I'm not very good at line edits, and didn't see anything that wasn't correctly presented, however when read aloud it came across blocky and choppy. But from personal experience it's difficult to avoid that with this much dialog and this much content.
Summary: Well done, it pulled at my heart strings, and made me think for a few moments. I suppose that I would have gone with five stars but for my personal bias towards sentence flow
Cheers.
DOC
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