I found the story extremely hard to follow in places. For example, WHO was "so happy for Daniel"? and WHO is Daniel? I could not find where this character was introduced into the storyline. The ending was a little more than I expected with phrases like "she put the pedal to the medal" and the car "flew through the air". It took away from the tragedy that unfolded at the end. It almost sounded like a mockery of a horrible event. I am sure it was not intended to come across that way. I felt like a race of some sort was being described instead of a suicide. With a bit of reconstruction, this could be a wonderful piece of work. Best of luck to you.
I understand the sentiments here but it feels like the third paragraph doesn't seem to meld with the others. In other words, it goes off a different path and left me confused as to how it related to the rest of the poem. Also, you might consider using some different wording in line 3 of paragraph 3 if you are going to keep it. "building built" is a a bit confusing. You could try something more like "building created", "building constructed", etc etc. (just a suggestion). Overall, you have done well with this piece.
Oh my, where do I start. This was definitely a page turner with a surprise ending! I was glued to my monitor through every paragraph. Funny, I almost quit reading because it seemed there was constant repetition about being drunk. Am I ever glad I read on. This is a beautiful story. I can't wait for the book! (hoping there is more)
I am not sure this is where you were going when you wrote that, but it makes me think of my inner child. It is very well written and comes across very clear. The wroding used reached out to me and almost pulled me in. I enjoyed this very much and believe I understood the message within. At least I hope so. Am curious if this was indeed about YOUR inner child or just a long forgotten past. Well done.
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