I like this one. It is a little vague in the descriptions and stuff, and I didn't exactly appreciate the profanity, but it is good to kinda see from the view of someone retired. I know some people 80+ who have gone out and found a part time job just for something to do.
The things that really get me are about the picture frame and the dock. It is almost as if the most important memories of his life, have do those two things, and while he can't have one, he gets more of the other.
What I suggest on your writing, is that he add more color to what you write. I know this sounds bad coming from a "Newbie," but I would have to say that that stands out among most members of this site.
I would be glad to read any new work you produce. Just send it to me and I will do the best I can to give it positive criticism.
Interesting poem. It was a little confusing,because it was all in one line. If you separated it into stanzas, then it would be easier to follow. Also, you may want to re-read this and change stuff that you don't like. the wording you picked on some of the stuff is a little strange, but it is a great poem. Love to read more of your stuff.
Good and supportive poem! It didn't have rhyming to it, but that is OK. I liked the way you brought everything up to that point and the way you ended it. It is an "Open eyes" view of how rich people now sometimes look on the world. I am just glad that I have been brought up to not be "blind" to such things as poverty.
If you revise this poem a little more, it would be marvelous!
It was a good poem. Could use some work, but the biggest thing was, there wasn't much emotion put into it or description. That is what makes a great poem. If you want an example, look at the poem, "Forever Yours." It has a good balance between the two. It doesn't have much of the description area, but when it does, it is in good context.
Good poem! Would be made great if you took some more time on it!
There were a lot of typos, but other then that, it was fantastic. You did a good job of developing it and then delivering it quickly to the readers. My I suggest a number of "Redo's" here?
1)In the second chapter, he says that a blunt point can't *piece* an enemy's armor.
2)You mention that "Robert landed flat on his back again and again" twice. you should combined them.
3)"Chris sheathed his weapon and straightened up" It should be vice-versa.
4)"His jokes were just a way for Chris to ignore the statements without getting upset at his opponent" He is talking about him self. You should change "Chris" to "Him".
5)"Chris had bee training Nivlac in swordplay"
6)"nor did he like the much"
7)"May fallen star return
To its place in the heaven
And the Eagle will sigh
The Beast will reign"
The last line doesn't rhyme.
"To fight back the darkness
The creatures, the vile
The evil awaiting, trapped
Beyond spell-bound door"
(The same)
8)“We’re home, Chris. What are you thinking about?”That makes no sense. He was teaching them a song.
9)"Lana ran inside after him, skipping as she went" That sentence is to short and mellow.
10)"Desirious family" Dock the name. It looks like "Desirous" with a typo.
11)"Don’t struggle or your family will not be harmed.” Kronk: "Don't your mean AND".
12)"I have of you from the other end of Katan," Heard would be good in there.
13)"It seemed that they were doing some sort of trade. They were bartering him." He all ready knows that.
14)“We were sailors, child" How old is this "Child"?
It is an interesting poem. I like the wording, but it had absolutely no rhyming to it. Good poems have uncommon rhythm to them and have create an incredible picture in your mind, while keeping a good rhyme with it. Those are the types of poems that I like.
Go ahead and keep this one, but try writing another one that he good rhythm. I would be happy to proof read if you like. Then again this is just my opinion.
Brilliantly written. It is interesting and cool. The wording is played just right and it is very emotional, even though barely any emotion is expressed in the poem it self. In my opinion, that is the type of poem that needs a good review and the author that wrote it needs a great big pat on the back.
Very intriguing idea. It was creative and original. It was partially lame though about the next door neighbor swatting at something that was in Holly's yard. That could be better handled with the way you introduce the fairy. When holly picked up the fairy, you should have given a physical description then, instead of later.
That was a fantastic story line. Do you mind if you made another entry with more info in it? That would give us(the readers) more of an idea of what is going on, who is Reuben, what is an Elthsgok, stuff like that. Without it, it makes sense. If you could do that, it would be helpful.
I liked the writing, but it was to much like the "Wizard of Oz". The way you used your wording was much like the way I do it, so I enjoyed that part of it, and the hurricane part, but I can tell that you Mirror write. Mirror writing is, with or without your understanding of what is happening, you take an idea from another story and integrate it into your own story, in your own fashion. I like the twist of the right and wrong thing though.
Don't get me wrong. I liked it. If you could come up with something that is less mirrored and more your own originality, then that would be fantastic!
It was good but a little hard to follow. I liked how you described everything in vivid detail, and the way you built up to the end point, but is the person saying it, male or female? Is the person talking to or imagining his spouse or what? There needs to be more detail for the mind to capture and it needs to be a little easier to follow.
Good idea though. Keep it up!
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