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Review of White Water Life  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Poetry Reviews by Itchywater
Reviewed by Itchywater


Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon This is the 2nd review from the Itching package you won in the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work.*Heart* You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


First impressions:

         My first impressions after reading this poem is that of stress, overstimulation, chaos, but at the same time, peace, fearlessness, faith, and God. There is a wonderful message in this poem.

*Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp*


What I liked about the poem:

         I have two favorite parts: "I focus all my energy / with no time left for dread" and "I don't fear the unknown. / I join the rush in harmony. / I know I'm not alone." These verses stand out to me. If we focus all our energy on the goal, then there will be no more energy left for worries and doubt. Then maybe, we will actually reach our goals. Very powerful!

         This is a new form to me. I've seen it before but have never tackled it myself. With a strict rhyme scheme and syllable count, you were able to write a powerful metaphorical poem. Great Job.

         I really like the metaphor of the daily challenges of life being likened to a white water rafting excursion. I thought this was a very creative way of writing the poem. And the connection is clear, letting the great imagery be realized figuratively. I really liked that.


*Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp*


Possible improvements for the poem:

         You did a good job with the form, however there are a couple of errors with the implementation. First, in the first stanza, last line, the last word is supposed to rhyme with lines 5 and 6. However, the last word is "pain" which does not rhyme with "afloat" or "boat."
         You also should look at the third line in the third stanza. This line has one too many syllables. You could connect it to the previous line and rewrite the verse to something like: 'and recalling life's symphony'

         I don't care for the four syllable refrains. It seems that more thought should have gone into the making of the 5th lines of each stanza in order to have a better refrain. In poetry, every word counts, especially in refrains. Refrains are powerful parts of the poem, demanding a certain tone. However, the refrains "My muscles strain," "The challenges," and "I'm swept along" don't do anything for the poem, in fact, I think they take away from the poem.

*Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp**Flowerb**Flowerp*


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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Review of Furry Philosophy  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a Rising Stars M2M review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Pencil* WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE: *Pencil*

*Right*I came to your port because you are a Rising Star like me. I had hopes that there would be something good to review for the M2M reviews. I was immediately pulled into this poem by it its title "Furry Philosophy."

*Pencil* FIRST IMPRESSIONS: *Pencil*

*Right*As a cat lover, I couldn't help but smile at each verse. This poem is definitely written for cat lovers. It made me think of my own cat and her idiosyncrasies.

*Pencil* MY FAVORITE PARTS: *Pencil*

If there is a brand new toilet paper roll in the bathroom,
she will use it to decorate the entire house.
*Right*This is one of my favorite parts simply because my cat has a toilet paper fetish too. We have to hide it from her. She loves tearing it up when I am away or not giving her enough attention.


"If there is a laser pointer on the loose,
the kitten will turn herself inside out trying to catch it."
*Right*The other thing I like about this poem is the great usage of various types of metaphors. In this verse, for example, you personified the laser, and used a hyperbole explaining the cats actions.


SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* TITLE: *Pencil*

*Right*The title "Furry Philosophy" did its job. It captured me. I think it is a great title for this poem. It exemplifies the poem perfectly.


*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

"If there is only one little cup of yogurt left,
she will stare and stare until I share it with her."
*Right*The poem's clarity is remarkable, however these two lines need attention. When I first read it, I thought you were talking about a person. How can a cat know it is the last yogurt? More importantly, how can a cat stare at something that is inside the refrigerator? Perhaps you might want to mention that the cat is staring at you while you are eating it.


*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*The imagery makes this poem so great. You do a marvelous job showing me what your cat does.


*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

"but my kitten has taught me more about life than any class:
It's not about how much you get done or how successful you become;"
*Right*Because "It's" follows a colon, it should be lowercased.

*Right*You did an awesome job with grammar, punctuation and spelling. I only found one small thing worth mentioning but overall you did terrific.


*Pencil* FLOW/STRUCTURE/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*The only structure in this poem is that it is written in quatrains. There is no standard rhyme or rhythm. I think if there was a consistent or near consistent syllable count in the lines, the poem would flow better.


OVERALL:

*Right*I think the poem is well written and even funny. I believe it could be better if the poem had a better flow. Nevertheless, I love the poem and am glad I found it because it brought a smile to my face. Oh, I'd like to add that the ending is superb. You close the poem perfectly. This poem demonstrates true talent. You should be proud. (I write this as my cat is nudging me for attention)


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*



Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

"A Poem A Day Contest " Open in new Window.
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Review of I Wish  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Viv. I have just read "I Wish" from your port. I thought you did a great job expressing your desires for a premium membership. I can't help but wonder why "the premium upgrade keeps calling [you]" Is this a classic form of "the grass is always greener on the other side?" or is there something in this package that she really wants.

I really want to know if you know something about the premium package that I don't know. Have just recently received premium for myself, it's very possible that I could be missing out on some of its great features.

You mention that upgrading to premium would "enable [you] to do many more activities for the benefit of many people here at writing.com; espcially for disABILITY WRITERS GROUP" Now, my question is, what kind of activities are you talking about?

I'm not so sure you can do so much more with a premium account as you are led to believe. It has it's perks, yes, however, having an upgraded membership should be sufficient for activities and your group. Besides, once you get premium, there's always the next pay period and dilemma of maintaining it.

Please let me know what it is exactly that you want to do in WDC that you can't do right now with the upgraded status. I am very interested. And until you get that desired premium, enjoy what you have, upgraded is much better than basic.
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Review of it wasnt long ago  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water.*Smile* This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work.*Heart* You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Buttonp*Hi Cathy. Thanks for contacting me to have a look at your work. Since you contacted me, I will provide only my honest opinions. I always will tell you what I know from experience and from my opinion. You do not have to agree with what I say. Just know that what i say is given with the intent to encourage you and help you grow as a poet. Now, I've taken a glance into your port and familiarized myself with your other works. This is my first stop, I hope to make a few more pit stops along the way if that's okay with you.

*Buttonb*Looking at your 3 items in your port, I can tell that you write with a lot of emotion. That is a good thing. It is both cathartic and it is usually when artists get their most inspiration. However, poetry is not all about emotion. Skill, craft, and talent are involved in writing good poetry. I am not inferring that you can not write free style poetry, however, even writing free style poetry consists of thought and care of the poetic conventions.

*Buttonv*Okay, now I'll start my comments on this particular poem. The comments will not appear in order of importance or of any other significance.

*Buttonr*"It wasn't long ago, that I last saw your face" I want to focus on the comma in the verse. There is no need for the comma here or in any of the other lines. The reason being is these are all Relative Clauses. Commas should not be used to set off Essential That-Clauses which are dependent clauses beginning with the word "That".

*Buttont*In poetry, every word counts. The repetition of words and ides should be used sparingly, and only if it emphasizes the poem. I noticed that you wrote one of your other poems similar to this one. It appears to be a good way to help you get your thoughts on paper, however, the repetition is not good for the end result of the poem.

I can get a better grasp of your poem by omitting the first part of each verse ("It wasn't long ago, that":

I saw your face
I smeled your perfume-------(smelled is misspelled)
I gave you a kiss
I had to say good-bye

I saw you in a dream
I saw you walk past me
You called me on the phone
You broke me in two

I saw you with someone new
you saw me too
you told so many lies
you said sorry

I cried my last tear
you begged me to come back to your arms
I couldn't even remember your name
you broke me in two

*Buttong*After omitting the unnecessary words, I can see that there is a lot that can be improved on. I can also see some positive features. For instance, it was a good idea to use the refrain "you broke me in two" Another thing I noticed, but needs work is the use of sensory imagery. You got the sensory part down but you still need imagery. It has a lot to do with show don't tell.
Instead of "I saw your face"
you could say "Your smile trapped me"
Instead of "I smelled your perfume"
you could say "traced with layers of oakmoss"
Instead of "I gave you a kiss"
you could say "willingly, I embraced

*Buttonbr*I hope that last examples proves one thing—poetry is a process, it includes many revisions.

*Buttont*The clarity of the poem needs worked on. In the 1st stanza, there is a couple embracing, then departing. In the 2nd stanza there is a dream with a phone call and heartache. In the 3rd stanza there is deceit and apologies, however, I am not sure if this is still part of the dream. In the 4th stanza there is unforgiveness, still, I am not clear if this is the dream or not. I can not detect where the line is drawn.

*Buttonp*I implore you to continue revising your poem using the examples and observations I have given you. Try to watch for repetition of words and ideas, with the exception of the refrain. A refrain is usually a good repetition.

*Buttono*Now, I understand if you don't agree or like what I said. If that is the case then just delete the review and move on, never stop writing. However, if you are interested in me reviewing another one of your poems, just let me know. I am also willing to review this poem again if you do decide to make any changes to it.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*
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Review of Faces  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a Rising Stars M2M review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Pencil* WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE: *Pencil*

*Right*I chose to review this piece as one of my member-to-member reviews for the Rising Stars group . I have not yet had the privilege to review one of your items. I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to do so now. I didn't have much time to go through your portfolio because this poem just jumped right out at me. The description is too intriguing. I think this is a port I will have to soon return to. There is just too much poetry here to be ignored.

*Pencil* FIRST IMPRESSIONS: *Pencil*

*Right*I have a fascination with prison life and the prison system as a whole. It is a topic that most people don't discuss. You capture the very depth of emotion that a prisoner feels as bed time occurs.

*Pencil* MY FAVORITE PARTS: *Pencil*

*Right*It is difficult to pick out a favorite part. Each verse is written so fluidly. I will say that I really liked the rhyming aspect of the poem. Also, the way it is formatted makes a big difference. I liked how each word is lower cased. That emphasizes the tone of the poem.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* TITLE: *Pencil*

*Right*The title is the first thing a potential reader is going to see. It must "grab" their attention, making them want to read the poem. "Faces on the Floor" is a great title. It seems abstract for a title but is concrete in its meaning. I like it. I think it is a great title for the poem.

*Pencil* STRUCTURE: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem seems to be in free verse, however there appears to be some structure. The first stanza is 3 lines, second stanza is 4 lines, third stanza is 5 lines, then fourth stanza is 4 lines and last stanza is back to 3 lines. The rhymes also match. The only thing I question is the dash after the third stanza. I don't see it's significance. If anything, it breaks the flow and structure of the poem.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

"vision grown
altered core."
*Right*With so few words, you said so much. There is just one part that makes me stumble. I'm not sure what you mean by "vision grown / altered core." In prison there's not much of a vision to be had. This is confusing to me.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*The imagery is great! You did so much showing and not telling. That is a talent. I could feel the emotion even though you did not tell it. You showed it. You allow the reader, me, to experience what it is like in that cell, all alone surrounded by nothing but shadows. I can only imagine having to see that every night for the rest of my life!

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*There are only a few ending punctuation marks used. It is not consistent. In poetry, the rule of thumb is all or none. Most poetry is enhanced by the usage of punctuation, however punctuation must be employed throughout the entire poem, not just in parts. I believe this poem does not need punctuation. I would suggest taking out the few periods that you have.

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*This poem flowed smoothly from beginning to end. The first thing I noticed was the great rhyme scheme you created in each stanza. It helped to create a smooth flow, as well as a pleasing auditory experience when read aloud. You used creative wording to support the content as well as enhance the flow. Very nicely done. I didn't find any of the wording choices to come across as forced, and that is no easy feat.

OVERALL:

*Right*You should be proud. You have a great poem. The tone is consistent with the theme. It makes me feel sorrow for the prisoner, to have to experience such depression. But then again, that is why he/she is there in the first place, to be secluded and pay for the crime he/she committed. Still, my heart goes out to the prisoners. They are supposed to be receiving "corrections" and "rehabilitation" but what they get is faces on the floor.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*



Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

"A Poem A Day Contest " Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Liam. I'm sorry this isn't really a review. I just wanted to say I came across this poem through Patricks page and after reading it am completely amazed. This is definitely a poem of significance. I loved every line. You are truly an amazing poet. Thanks for sharing this.
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In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


Hi Harry. I saw your name in the Showering Acts of Joy Garden and decided to take the plunge into your port. I scanned over all the many poems you had until I saw "Women And Their Hair". I knew this was a must read. I was so right.

This is a great mono-rhyming poem. You show there's not a lack of words that rhyme with "hair". I am impressed with the length of the poem, given that it is mono-rhymed and that the rhymes are all good and not slanted. Great Job!

Reading through this the first time, I chuckled and grinned, but when I came to the end of this poem laughter burst out of my core. The poem already had so many funny truths and by adding this major truism at the end, it really gives the poem the perfect punch.

The rhyming and flow add a special sense of humor to the tone of the poem. Though the verses vary in syllable length and meter, each stanza set is close enough that the poem flows almost perfectly verse by verse, tied together by perfect rhymes.

"And after hours devoted to finally getting it where
they will leave the house, oh, it’s so totally unfair
how wind or humidity can quickly cause disrepair."
         I think this could be reworded to better the flow and clarity. How about something like this:
"Spending hours devoted strictly on getting the hair
appropriate just to leave the house, it's so totally unfair
when wind and humidity erupt quickly causing disrepair"

My favorite verse:
"In truth, men notice her more if she shows off her pair."
This is perfect. I can't help but wonder if this whole poem was centered around this verse or if this was just a lucky inspiration. Either way, it brings the poem up a notch. *Smile*

Overall, I think you have a great poem, worthy of notice. It is entertaining and easy to read. You show your talent for imagery as well as rhyme. I am glad that I found this gem of yours and was able to read it. Thanks for sharing.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*
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Review of Clowns  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


Hi Legerdemain. I found you on the Showering Acts of Joy Garden and decided to take the plunge into your port. I am so glad that I did. I decided to look at the poem "Clowns" because it was a palindrome poem.

Palindrome poems are not easy to write, at least not in my experience. But you take this form by the horns! You make it look so easy. You not only wrote one palindrome, you wrote three of them, and you did so remarkably.

The poem is complete with the three palindromes. It wouldn't have the same effect with just one. The tone is fun and the mood is exciting. There is a douse of imagery in every line. I feel as though I am at the circus with clowns all around.

The visual effect of this poem is also significant. You did a great job with the aesthetics of this poem. It makes for an easy and pleasurable read.

I learned a new word, "Akimbo". Though the definition of the word fits the context, I think the word is a bit complex compared to the rest of the wording. It seems a bit out of place to me.

Overall, I think you have written a great poem that can be enjoyed by any age level. You have mastered a difficult form and made it seem so easy. I am very glad that I had the chance to read this uplifting piece of poetry. Great job.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*
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Review of Courage  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Marie Author Icon
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Buttonp*Hi Leslie. I found you listed in the Showering Acts of Joy's Garden so I decided to read from your port. I have chosen your poem "Courage" to review.

*Buttonb*I would like to first mention the title and brief description. The title and the brief description are the first things a potential reader is going to see. It must "grab" their attention, making them want to read the poem as well as resemble the poem. I have to say that the brief description does not "call" me in as a reader. Saying "This is a poem i came up with about courage" is not enticing. Perhaps something like "A poem about meeting Courage" or "Courage shows himself in this short poem" As for the title, I think it is a good representation of the poem. I wonder what you think of the title "I
Am Courage" Just a suggestion.

*Buttonv*I really like the tone of this piece. It is strong. You used your words wisely. There are a few parts where the tone is weakened. "I come from both your mind and heart" the phrase "come from" sounds passive. I suggest using a stronger word than "come". Something like "I emerge out of" or "I radiate from".

*Buttonr*I like how you personified courage. "I am courage" is a great statement.

*Buttont*"I am courage, standing up to someone of authority."I suggest omitting "someone of" and changing "standing" to "I stand" in order to fit with the "I" statements. My suggestion: "I am courage; I stand up to authority." In fact, you might even consider separating this into two verses. It would look better because the poem would begin with the the same verse as the ending verse.

*Buttong*"Making your thoughts and ideas burst out with confidence." I suggest changing "Making" to "I make" in order to fit with the "I" statements.

*Buttonbr* "I am as old as life an as young as an infant learning to walk." There is a typo in this verse. "life an" should be "life and".

*Buttonp*"I like to make you think and use your opinions, letting your adrenaline go." This verse sounds awkward to me. I don't understand why Courage would "like to make you think..." Suggestion: "I like charging you up, inspiring you, and watching your adrenaline explode."


*Buttonr*"I am an exciting and loud feeling, a voice in your mind pushing you." I would suggest using a different word than "loud" because "loud" is not a feeling. Perhaps: intense, heavy, piercing... Also, I would suggest changing "a voice" to "the voice".


*Buttono*"I AM COURAGE...." I'm not sure why you have the ellipsis at the end here. I would discourage that. I think it only needs a period or maybe an exclamation point.

*Buttont*Now, I have just dissected your poem. I hope you find at least some of the suggestions useful. I think this poem has a lot of potential. It is a very powerful piece.I'm glad that I got to read it. Thanks for sharing it.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*

** Image ID #1787934 Unavailable **
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Review of Almost 40  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a Rising Stars M2M review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Pencil* WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE: *Pencil*

*Right*A former user myself, I found this category enticing. Though I've been clean for years now, I still wonder "Will I ever grow up?" I think a lot of people wonder that. That phrase drew me in.

*Pencil* FIRST IMPRESSIONS: *Pencil*

*Right*I was impressed by the realness of the poem. There is a lot of emotion in each verse.

*Pencil* MY FAVORITE PARTS: *Pencil*

*Right*The second stanza is my favorite. It is so true how people give up just because they know they will inevitably lose it to their weakness. It is as if you do not have a choice. You are going to continue smoking whether you want to or not. The power of that drug is so consuming.


SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* TITLE: *Pencil*

*Right*I like the title. However, I don't understand why you put the excerpt on the bottom of the poem. This defeats the poems title. However, I am glad to hear of your sobriety.

*Pencil* STRUCTURE: *Pencil*

*Right*The structure is freestyle with abcb rhyme. The rhyme is implemented very well.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem is clear. It is a sad story of a sad person. The tugging and pulling of the drug is so real.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*Minimal imagery is used but it fits the size of the poem. It is possible that the poem would benefit by adding imagery and length.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

I've lost everything more times than one
*Right* I believe "one" should be "once" and the word "times" is unnecessary.
I've lost everything more than once

I lost a husband, I lost my dog
*Right*These are two complete sentences. I suggest separating them with a semicolon and using a period after "dog".


*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*It is a bit choppy in places but it doesn't hinder the overall flow of the poem.

*Right*The rhyme really brings this poem up a notch. It wouldn't be near as good if it weren't for the rhyme. Good Job!


OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, this is a good poem. It could be better if you added more to it. Personally, I think it is on the short side (And I like short poems). I say that because it feels like there is more to be said, more to see, more to feel. Nevertheless, you have done a great job expelling your emotions. Thanks for sharing your story.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*



Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

"A Poem A Day Contest " Open in new Window.
Itchy Water signature
** Image ID #1756829 Unavailable **
11
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In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is just a practice review. I must have at least 250 characters in this review, and the review must be made public, and I must affiliate it to the DWG group in order for you to be able to credit this review with GPs. This review will show you how to give credit/gift points to someone who has affiliated their review to your group. You cannot credit the other reviews that have been affiliated to your group because the reviews were affiliated more than 14 days ago. You can only credit reviews that have been affiliated to your group less than 14 days.
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In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a Rising Stars M2M review from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Pencil* WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE: *Pencil*

*Right*I read a review for your poem from the Public Review and thought this would be an interesting read. I was right. I am very glad I found this gem.

*Pencil* FIRST IMPRESSIONS: *Pencil*

*Right*My first impression is somewhat of awe. I am blown away with the creativity of this piece.

*Pencil* MY FAVORITE PARTS: *Pencil*

*Right*I love it all, but I would have to say my favorite part of the poem is the creativity you used in showing the reader how the placement of wording affects the meaning. You did this in a brilliant "showing not telling" way.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* TITLE: *Pencil*

*Right* The title is the first thing a potential reader is going to see. It must "grab" their attention, making them want to read the poem. I like your title but a period should not be used in a title. I suggest omitting the period. I also suggest capitalizing the main words from "How to read a poem." to "How to Read a Poem"

*Pencil* STRUCTURE: *Pencil*

*Right*I have never seen a poem implement structure like you did. You told a story with in a story by using structure. Very well done!

*Pencil*CLARITY/TONE: *Pencil*

*Right*I feel that the tone is somewhat playful, yet informative. There is a catchiness to it.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*I really liked the fact that you used punctuation in the poem. It is practically flawless. However, there are several instances where you ask a question and the sentence is closed with a period instead of a question mark.

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*The pace was very good. You have a good beginning, middle and ending. Great Job!

OVERALL:

*Right*In poetry, what you say is important. How you say it is equally important. This poem reminds every poet out there that. After reading this, I am persuaded to go back into my port and check my poems to see if I can't better communicate my messages.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*



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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi JuniorWriter. I thought I'd stop by your port and take a look around. I saw this title and had to take a look. I had never heard of an Infinitive Poem. What is it? Please do tell. I tried looking it up online and that was fruitless. I do know that it has a Russian history of some sort because many of the sites I pulled up were in Russian.

I do like your poem for this reason, it really makes the reader hear, see, and feel the experience. You bring the reader through every process of the each moment. I think I might try something like this. However, in your poem, there was one thing that I thought might have been out of order. The first thing you did was put on your skates. I'm not sure, but I think this would have been done after you put on your jacket and after you opened the doors to go into the skating rink. I also think it would be good if you could provide more detail about the exercises and motions.
Oh, and to provide an ending. Something like. To finish my exercises. To skate toward the carpet. To walk instead of skate. To sit down on the bench. To take my skates off. (as you can tell, I really like this form)*Smile*

But I think you did a great job with writing about the "to's "of skating. I really enjoyed reading it. I really liked how you incorporated the "cold air" , your fear, and the "cold air" this really brings me their.


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Review of FEELINGS  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello again! This is the second review from Itchy Water.*Smile* This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work.*Heart* You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Buttonp*As I was looking through your portfolio, this title, "Feelings", caught my attention. I've read the poem several times over to get a good understanding of the mood, tone and overall meaning. I've come to the opinion (only my opinion) that the title "Feelings" doesn't fit the poem. Though the poem touches upon certain feelings, it really doesn't address the wide spectrum of feelings I was expecting. It only touches upon one feeling, hurt feelings caused by friendship. The poem is mostly about betrayal in friendships. I would consider changing or modifying the title, maybe "Hurt Feelings".

*Buttonb*The first stanza is somewhat confusing to me and it contradicts the second stanza. The 3rd line in the first stanza says "My feelings won't change due to what is said." Then in the second stanza you start off saying "I hurt just like others do," You are painting two different pictures. The first picture is of a stone cold person who can withstand the backstabbing of a friend and their feelings don't change. The second picture is of a person who hurts at betrayal and would rather dismiss the friendship and be alone.

*Buttonbr*I suggest adding the word "I" to "would rather be alone." I'm not sure if this is a typo or not, but I believe it should read "but if dishonesty and betrayal come, I would rather be alone."

*Buttonv*I suggest adding the word "ever" to the phrase "and if I'm wrong" so it would be "and if I'm ever wrong,". The way it is written now makes it sound like you might be wrong about having an open heart to genuine friends.

*Buttonr*I think the rhyme in the poem adds another dimension to it. The rhymes are not perfect rhymes but they work. However, there are two words that do not rhyme at all and they are "anyone" and "gone".

*Buttont*I think the verse "You may wonder why I'm writing this piece" significantly takes away from your poem. I would strongly consider rewriting something else for this verse. There are so many words that rhyme with disease that are applicable to friendship and trust, words like: please, displease, appease, worries, trusties, stories, softies, tease, rubies, sissies, pansies, follies, dummies, duties, floozies, cooties, agrees, boundaries....and so many more.

*Buttong*Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem, but my opinion is, it needs a little editing. "lack of trust is a disease" is quite a statement to end the poem on. I don't think the poem proved that statement. I think the flow is good but the the tone is off by the contradicting statements. Perhaps I am just reading it in the wrong frame of mind. But I come to you simply as a reader, someone with opinions and so I have spilled out all my thoughts and hope that some of my comments have been helpful.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*
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Review of I WONDER  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)


Hello, SHERRI GIBSON Author Icon, you have won a review package from me in the Need Help With An Upgrade Fall Festival Auction.*Smile* This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work.*Heart* You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Buttonp*The title and the description caught my attention. "Looking at the world in wonderment" is a great way to describe this poem. It is also a very catchy description.

*Buttonb*The poem starts off with a brilliant simile using great imagery. But the third and fourth lines of the first stanza don't seem to fit. I suggest changing the word "Disbelief" to "Numbness" because a numb person would struggle to find their true self. Also because people don't disbelieve that tragedy is occurring, people just become numb to it.

*Buttonv*I love how you include "our children" in the poem. You not only look to today or the past, but you look to the future and wonder what and how our happenings will effect our children.

*Buttonr*"I wonder who’ll listen to the truth or who even cares" This is my favorite verse in the poem. Today, the news is not about the news. It is about ratings. The news has become a source of entertainment. If you want real news you have to go to the Associated Press Website, or even the United Nations Website. If you want local news, you have to read the local newspaper (which is filled with entertainment jargon).

*Buttont*I can relate to the never ending wonderment. I think that is why we are writers. But to wonder about truely being free and about all the possibilities, well, that takes an amazing mind to contemplate those things.

*Buttong*A very wise man once said, "To whom much is given, much is required." So, the more you wonder, the more you will feel. I understand your feelings of helplessness and anger. "I know not what to do, I just don't know" this is a beautiful verse. This tells me that you would do anything if only you knew what it was.

*Buttonp*You wonder why you wonder and it keeps you up at night. You want so bad for things to be the same, however, the truth is, nothing remains the same. So you keep on wondering.

*Buttonbr*Overall, you have a powerful poem. A poem that I can relate to. I understand your frustration. It's like the world is spiraling downward and you see it happening right before your eyes. But there is nothing you can do to stop it and the people in power who have the power are not doing anything to stop it.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this! This is absolutley great! As I was reading this, I was thinking why aren't there more pieces like this in WDC? This is so inspiring to read as a Christian. I love reading the Word of God and to read it in WDC makes me so happy.

I love the topic. You are so right. New means new. It means different, transformed, changed. A new creature is all of these. We are a new creature in Christ. I liked how you provided verses concerning the transformation. Brilliant!

There is room for improvement. Not on the literture. But on the aesthetics. There is no space between the last two verses. Also adding some color would brighten the page. The piece might also benefit if you used a different font and centered the verses.

Overall this is a great piece and I am so glad that I read it. It is nice to know their are likeminded people out their. Thanks for writing this inspiring piece.



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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Fire*Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. ! Enjoy!*Fire*

*Smile* This review is intended to be a positive in-depth critique of your work.*Heart* You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


Hi Summer Wind *Smile*

*Buttonv*I've read and loved your poem, "You Poetry Reviewers". I understand your frustration with reviewers being too judgmental and harsh. I hope that you don't find this review in that light. All my comments in this review are simply my opinions, given in the spirit of helpfulness. But since this is your poem, only you know what works and what doesn't. Take what you will from this review.
*Buttonp*I really like this poem, "He loves Me, He loves Me Not". I thought the title was ingenious. It sets the stage for the image filled poem. My only suggestion is to capitalize all the words. I'm not sure why, but all the words except the two "loves" are not capitalized. I would capitalize those words along with the rest.

*Buttonb* My favorite part is "Prism dreams are shattered/ black and white." This shows something that was once full of color and multifaceted is now left broken and only seen in black and white, right or wrong, love or hate.

*Buttont*In the poem's description you mention a first love being the wrong person. The poem doesn't address a first love or it being the wrong person. I feel that the description is not a true representation of the poem. The poem is more about a lost love. The poem is much more broad than the description provided. I would suggest changing the description.

*Buttonv*"in sad "he love's me not."" I think the word "a" needs to be added between "in" and "sad". Without the addition of the "a" it sounds like the "not" should be "nots".

*Buttonr*"over loves broken glass." The word "loves" should be "love's"

*Buttonp*"Laughing and running,/over loves broken glass." I don't understand the significance of this. The "laughing" part actually confuses me. I would think "Crying and running" would make more sense here.

*Buttong*"Love that was given was stripped,/and now stands naked and alone./ Clothed only by the sun's warmth. I read and reread this many times, but I still can't seem to make sense out of this. Love that was given is no more, so then how can the love that is no more stand naked and alone? How can it be clothed only by the sun's warmth? It sounds great, but when you think about it, it doesn't really make sense. I think this needs adjusting.

*Buttonbr*I really like the ending, "Left with nothing more than a yarn of tangled thoughts." This is a great piece of imagery. When a lover leaves the relationship, the stranded lover is always left confused with racing thoughts of "what ifs". Great Job!

*Buttonr*You did a fabulous job with the tone of the poem. It seems every word was carefully chosen to fit the depressed tone. Great Job!

*Buttono*The imagery is great! You did so much showing and not telling. That is a talent. I could feel the emotion even though you did not tell it. You showed it. Amazing!

*Buttonb*I fell that the flow of the poem is hindered by punctuation errors. There are instances where commas are needed but not used, and instances where commas are used but not needed. Same goes for periods. Rather than me going through each instance, I suggest you take a second look at the punctuation in the poem and see what you think.

*Buttont*Overall, I think this is a great poem. I think there are areas of improvement. (There are usually always going to be areas of improvement in my reviews) I think the ribbon that graces this poem is well deserved.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is the third of three reviews from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.

*Pencil* WHY I CHOSE THIS PIECE: *Pencil*

*Right*This poem was selected by the author for review. As the last review, I will be doing a line by line edit. Please only accept the suggestions you agree with, ignore the rest.

*Pencil* FIRST IMPRESSIONS: *Pencil*

*Right*I definitely feel a mystic tone in this poem

*Pencil* MY FAVORITE PARTS: *Pencil*

"When midnight returns
we will dance once again"
*Right*This is a great verse to end on. It leaves the reader questioning, what will happen next.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* TITLE: *Pencil*

*Right*I think the title, "Dancing at Midnight" is just ok for this poem. The title is the first thing a potential reader sees. Many readers pass up good works because the title didn't "grab" them. Thus, I think this poem could use a more creative title. Some suggestions "The Witching Hour", "My Sacred Dance With Isis"

*Pencil* STRUCTURE: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem's form ranges from couplets, triplets, quatrains, all non rhyming. I found it to be very distracting.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*I had to look up the word Isis when reading your poem. It might be a good idea to put a footnote on the poem about who Isis is. Though Isis is a popular goddess and is recognizable among many people, a lot of people don't recognize the name.

*Right*It is not clear as to why you are dancing with Isis. She is the goddess of motherhood, magic and fertility among other things. You mention "Divine Mother" But, what is the role of Isis in your poem? Why would a "Divine Mother" break the chains that bind the heart and soul? What was bound? Infertility? Bad parenting? What is the narrator "free" from? Also, if "when midnight returns/ we will dance once again" does this mean that the chains and freedom are only temporal?

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

"...I stand/beneath the silvery moon"
"I begin to move in circles"
*Right*This is about as much imagery the poem offers. I think the poem would benefit from more imagery. How did the night feel? Was there wind? Were there any trees? Were you in a field? Were their any clouds? Were you alone? Were there any sounds? Were there any odors? Were you wearing any special attire for the ritual? Was there any special items around for the ritual (i.e. candles)?

*Pencil*PUNCTUATION, SPELLING, GRAMMAR:*Pencil*

*Right*There is no punctuation in the poem. I think the poem is ok without the punctuation.

*Right*I did not detect any spelling errors.

*Pencil* FLOW/TONE/DICTION: *Pencil*

"The witching hour approaches
and I'm overcome by excitement"
*Right*The phrase "overcome by excitement" does not fit the tone of the poem. I suggest changing it to something that goes with the tone of poem - mystical, spiritual, etc.
The witching hour approches
and I'm possessed with passion
OR
The witching hour approches
and I'm enthralled with wonder

"It is almost time
for my sacred dance
with Isis"
*Right*These verses are awkward and provide a break in the flow. I suggest making two couplets out of these three lines.
The time is near
for my sacred dance

Isis will come to me
hand in hand we will dance

"Midnight arrives and I stand
beneath the silvery moon"
*Right*This is just a suggestion: change "silvery" to 'silver'. It is in my opinion that the verse sounds more fluid with the word 'silver'
Midnight arrives and I stand
beneath the silver moon
OR
Midnight arrives and I stand
beneath the quiet silver moon

"Sending an invitation to Her
I begin to move in circles"
*Right*I suggest omitting "begin to". These words are not necessary for the poem.
Sending an invitation to Her
I move in circles
OR
Sending an invitation to Her
Swaying in circles, I chant

"Taking me by the hand
my Divine Mother and I
dance to the rhythm"
*Right*I suggest keeping the structure of the poem in couplets for the sake of rhythm and flow.
She takes me by the hand
under the moonlight she leads me

My Divine Mother and I
Dance to a special rhythm

"The rhythm of our hearts
becoming as one"
*Right*Just a suggestion: change "becoming" to 'now become'
The rhythm of our hearts
now become as one

"As we dance together
the chains that bind
my heart and soul
are broken"
*Right*Again, I suggest keeping the structure of the poem as couplets throughout the poem. This is easy with these lines. Just switch them around and add a few words.
"The chains that bind
My heart and soul

Now are loosed and broken
As we dance together, gracefully

I am free
and I am whole
*Right*I suggest you omit the word "and"
I am free
I am whole

"My heart thanks Isis
as this sacred dance
comes to an end"
*Right*Again, I suggest keeping the structure of the poem to be couplets.
My heart mesmerized
and to Isis I thank

But this sacred dance
Must come to an end

"When midnight returns
we will dance once again"
*Right*I think this is fine the way it is. However, you might consider adding the word "But" before "When" for it to flow even better.

OVERALL:

*Right*This poem tells of a magical experience through a ritual held under the moon. Due to the lack of consistency in the poem's structure, the poem lacks rhythm and flow and the structure is even distracting to the reader. Once the structure is fixed and imagery is added, this will be a magical piece. *Smile*


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*



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Review of To Thee I Pray  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is the second of three reviews from Itchy Water. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


*Pencil* FIRST IMPRESSIONS: *Pencil*

*Right*I thought this was a good poem but had a lot of room for improvement.

*Pencil* MY FAVORITE PARTS: *Pencil*

"I look up at the sky
and ask why"
*Right*This shows emotion and frustration of the narrator. We've all been there. Why? We all want to know the answer. I think it is a great verse for this poem.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* TITLE: *Pencil*

*Right*I think the title "To Thee I Pray" is only slightly representative of the poem because the poem talks about how you feel as you pray as well as verses of prayer. I think something like "Shedding My Burdens" or "Giving It All To Be Free" would be better suited for the poem. That is just my opinion.

*Pencil* STRUCTURE: *Pencil*

*Right*This poem consist of seven couplets, each with rhymes.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

"Burdens of my heart I bear
I wish not to share"
*Right*The second line is confusing. Do you mean you wish not to share to other people? Or do you mean you wish not to share to God? Either way, it is still confusing. I would consider changing the "I wish" part. I also suggest changing "of" to "in". See my suggestion:
Burdens in my heart I bear;
They are so hard to share.

"I break down in tears
as I try to hide my fears"
*Right*The second line is confusing for the same reason as the previous one mentioned. Are you hiding your fears from other people? Or are you hiding your fears from God? I suggest changing the "try to hide" part. See my suggestion:
I break down in tears
as I expose my darkest fears.

"I cannot hold my pain in
and feel trapped in a lion's den"
*Right*These two lines don't seem to go together. Mainly it is just the way it is worded. See my suggestions:
Trapped in a lion's den,
I'm persecuted by all men.
OR
Trapped in a lion's den,
I'm mocked by all the townsmen.
OR
Oh, God, cleanse me from this sin;
I'm trapped in a lion's den.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem has just the right amount of imagery for a poem of this nature. "kneel to pray", "I look up at the sky" etc.

*Pencil*PUNCTUATION, DICTION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*I noticed this poem didn't implement any punctuation. While it is always better to be consistent, either no punctuation or all punctuation, I feel this poem would benefit greatly if you used punctuation.

"At the end of the day
I must kneel to pray"
*Right*I suggest omitting the word "must" because it sounds like praying is an obligation rather than a need or want.
At the end of the day,
I kneel to pray.
OR
At the end of the day,
I feel a need to pray.

*Right*No spelling errors detected.

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*The flow could use some work. The couplets seem like they are out of order. I think if you rearrange the couplets you will have a stronger poem.
At the end of the day
I kneel to pray

I look up at the sky
and ask God why

I break down in tears
as I expose my darkest fears

Burdens of my heart
They are so har to share

Trapped in a lion's den
I'm persecuted by all men

God please help me
and set me free

I continue to pray
day after day


*Right*The rhyming is great.


OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, I think it is a decent poem but could benefit from a bit of adjustment. The poem is about a person needing to pray because they are in some sort of distress but the distress is not clarified. The poem is very vague.


I really enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*



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Review of Peace  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi An apple a day.... Author Icon This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*I'm not so sure that the title "Peace" accurately fits the entirety of this poem because the first tercet is of lightning and thunder, which does not represent peace. The second tercet is of gentle rain, which is more of descriptive of peace. I would suggest adding a word that describes the first tercet to the title. Perhaps, "Unrest and Peace", "Power and Peace", "Electrifying Peace", etc.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem appears to use the form called an "American Lune" or "Robert Kelly Lune" which consists of one tercet. It was created by Robert Kelly as an American version of the Japanese Haiku. The poem consist of a double Lune, having 2 tercets.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*The imagery is outstanding! I see the lightning in the sky. I smell the rain. The poem paints a very vivid picture. Great job.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*I suggest omitting the two periods in the poem. These tercets are not complete sentences. Also, you do not use punctuation anywhere else. Most poetry benefits from using punctuation, however in a haiku style poem, poetry is not necessary.

*Right*No spelling errors detected. Good Job!

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*I like the rhythm of the poem. You follow the form well. The poem flows naturally.

OVERALL:

*Right*You did a great job writing this American form of the Japanese Haiku. You painted a picture of nature. You used sight, sound, and smell to bring the reader in the event. Love it!

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

*Right*Rather than picking a single verse, I'd like to say that my favorite part is the imagery of the enitre poem. Nearly every line has it and it leaves no question for the reader.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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Review of Sin  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
A Poem a Day review


You have been selected for the A Poem a Day review.



The Prompt chosen was to write a poem about sin.


You did a great job following the prompt.


Comments:


I really liked this poem. It appears that you used the required iambic pentameter for this form.However, the meter was off in several places. I noticed it in the 4th verse of the 1st stanza, the 2nd verse of the second stanza and both of the last two verses.

I love the verses "Society has given us the laws / To shade our eyes and cover up our ears." This is so true!

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*

Thank you for entering the A Poem a Day contest. I hope you keep sharing your work with us. {c}




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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review from Itchy Water on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided.


TITLE:
*Right*I don't think the title "It Feels So Good, So Take A Chance On Me" accurately fits the poem. Though these are two phrases from the poem, I think a better title would be better suited. For instance, "A Song in My Heart", "A Song For You", "You Are My Love"...

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*I really like the idea of using song titles in the poem. That is very creative.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem is not clear about the status of the love. In the first stanza, the second line indicates separation, the third line indicates a love shared, the fourth line indicates a lover that doesn't care. In the second stanza, the third line indicates the lovers are together, the fourth line indicates they are apart. In the fourth stanza, the first through third lines indicate a strong mutual love, yet in the fourth stanza he/she is asking for love.
*Right*The contradictory statements made throughout the poem cause confusion for the reader. While it is enjoyable to read because of the placement of song titles, the meaning is not clear. It sounds like the poet chose the song titles for the each verse and then wrote love verses, not a love poem.
*Right*I suggest rewording the verses so that they flow together, providing a clear, meaningful poem.

"I’m going out of my head over you"
*Right*This verse doesn't make much sense. I suggest rewording it.
I'm going out of my head because of you

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*At the end of only two verses is punctuation used, one with a comma and the other with a period. In poetry, each verse should be punctuated as needed or no punctuation. I think this poem would benefit with the use of punctuation. I suggest adding commas, semicolons, em dashes and periods at the end of verses where needed.

"It feels so good, I never want to let you go"
*Right*Because you say "I never want to let YOU go" "It" should be 'You'. But because the song is "feels so good" that would not fit. Therefore I suggest rewording it.
It feels so good, I never want to let this feeling go.

"You give me a natural high, make me feel whole"
*Right*The phrase "make me feel whole" is not complete. There are two ways this can be fixed.
You give me a natural high, making me feel whole
Or
You give me a natural high; you make me feel whole

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*There is no meter nor natural flow.

*Right*The poem has great rhyme aabb style. Only one note, "limit" and "spirits" are not rhyming words because the word "spirits" is plural.

OVERALL:

*Right*I think that this is a very creative poem. However, because of the endeavor to include song titles in the poem, the meaning is lost. I like the song titles in the poem, I just think that some rewording could be implemented to make this sound like a coherent poem.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:
"I can’t smile without you, nor can I pretend"
*Right*I really thought the phrase "nor can I pretend" after this song title showed the depth of his/her love and dependence for the other.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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TITLE:
*Right*I think "The Face in the Glass" is a great title for this poem.

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*The form of the poem appears to be free style with five stanzas containing four verse each and implementing an aabb, ccdd.. rhyme scheme

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

"Inside, I’m still young and full of spit;"
*Right*I'm not sure if "spit" is a typo that is supposed to be 'spirit' or if it supposed to be "spit". But the word "spit" doesn't make much sense in this context.

"Perceptions change when viewed in the glass;
I’ll stick with my mind’s eye, on the other, I’ll pass"
*Right*After rereading this a few times, I understand what you are saying. I think this should be reworded for clarity purposes.
Perceptions of self are changed when looking in the glass
So I'll just stick with my mind's eye, and the glass, I'll pass;

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*Since the poem is about a mirror and reflections, I think more imagery could be used. The only imagery was really the wrinkles. What about age spots, grey hair, sagging skin, drooping eyelids, double chin, crow's feet, etc.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

"I look at myself; at the face in the glass"
*Right*The semicolon should be a comma. And a comma should be after "glass".
I look at myself, at the face in the glass,

"And see a stranger, some foreign lass"
*Right*A comma should be after "lass".

"I don’t feel that old, well sometimes I do"
*Right*A semicolon or period should be after "do"

"Yet I lie in bed and my husband’s hand"
*Right*I suggest either omitting the word "Yet" or placing a comma after it.

"Yet I lie in bed and my husband’s hand
Caresses etchings, a map of life spanned
And tells me I’ll always be that girl he asked to dance;
How he’d do it again if given the chance."
*Right*I suggest placing a semicolon after "spanned" and replacing the word "And" with 'He'. Also, the semicolon after "dance", I believe should be a comma.
I lie in bed and my husband's hand
Caresses etchings, a map of life spanned;
He tells me I'll always be that girl he asked to dance,
How he'd do it again if given the chance.

"For I still see my husband, though bald and gray"
*Right*A comma should be placed after "gray".

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*I did not detect any meter in the rhythm of the poem, yet the poem flowed very nicely.

*Right*The poem had a structured rhyme that was implement soundly.

OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, this is a really good poem. My main suggestions revolved around punctuation. Though I think this poem could use a bit more imagery, it is still a nice poem.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:
"Yet I lie in bed and my husband’s hand
Caresses etchings, a map of life spanned"
*Right*I really liked this metaphor. It fit the poem perfectly.

I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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TITLE:
*Right*I don't think the title "Death of an Optimist" accurately fits this poem. The reason being, the "Optimist" never died. Once it is stated that "my optimism died" but later in the poem it mentions hope, determination, knowing he would previal. Therefore, His optimism never really did die. I suggest a title like: "Dismay of an Optimist" or "The Tribulation of an Optimist."

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem appears to be a free verse poem with 10 stanzas and a final couplet. There is a consistent rhyme scheme of aabb...xx.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem is concise and very easy to read and understand.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*Every verse is filled with thoughtful imagery. Good Job!

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*

*Right*I noticed a few punctuation errors. I have listed them below.

"I knew there'd be a traffic jam
but I knew all the back roadways."
*Right*You need a comma after "jam" because this is a compound sentence.

"too soon arrived. It was not long."
*Right*This is correct but it is awkward. I suggest omitting the period after "arrived" and inserting an em dash.
too soon arrived—it was not long.

"as cars mimed a figure skater
my optimism finally died."
*Right*There needs to be a comma after "skater"

"yet my resolve remained unbowed."
*Right*There should be a comma after "yet"

"as the radio told me "You're screwed."
*Right*There should be a comma after "me"

"Still, I kept the faith – I had no choice
and ignoring my inner voice
I kept on – more stop than start –"
*Right*There should be a period after "choice." There should be a comma after "voice".
Still, I kept the faith—I had no choice.
And ignoring my inner voice,
I kept on—more stop than start—

"I knew that I'd prevail - although
*Right*A comma needs to be after "although"

"I wondered "When will they get the power fixed?""
*Right*A comma needs to be placed after "wondered"

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem does not have any set meter but it flows ok. It would flow even better with the appropriate punctuation applied.

*Right*The poem has a set rhyme and it is implemented very well. The words do not sound forced to fit the rhyme.

OVERALL:

*Right*I think a great story is told in this poem. I really loved the use of the rhyme. The writer uses great imagery to that makes the reader actually see the picture of the snowstorm and the struggle getting home. The kicker is the end. What a great ending this poem has. It is so unexpected but believable. Great Job!

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

*Right*Of course, my favorite part is the finale couplet. It just made me laugh. But not to laugh at your demise, but at the way the poem was put together. Great ending. So believable.

*Right*I've been stuck once in a flood, so I know how scary it can be. I think there are many who can relate. But the way you light hartedly and humorously describe you experience makes this poem the more entertaining.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
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TITLE:
*Right*While the title "September Morning as the Phoenix Calls" embraces the meaning of the poem, I think it tells to much of the story. Because the poem gradually shows the reader that the poem is about 9/11, I don't think the words "September Morning" should be in the title since those words automatically cause Americans to think of 9/11. I think the title is best suited as just "As the Phoenix Calls"

SUGGESTIONS:

*Pencil* FORM: *Pencil*

*Right*The poem appears to be a free verse poem of 7 stanzas with an inconsistent rhyme scheme.

*Pencil*CLARITY:*Pencil*

*Right*The poem is clear and easy to understand.

*Pencil*IMAGERY:*Pencil*

*Right*This poem was brimming with excellent imagery.

*Pencil*GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING:*Pencil*


*Right*There are two periods in the entire poem. In poetry, it's all or none. My suggestion is to take out the two periods in the first and second stanza.

"A coin in musician’s cap
Strums a guitar in his lap"
*Right*Two things. First, I suggest inserting the word "the" between "in" and "musician's". Second, I suggest changing "strums" to "strumming"
A coin in the musician's cap
Strumming a guitar in in his lap

*Pencil* FLOW/RHYTHM/RHYME: *Pencil*

"The sun had kissed the sky that day"
*Right*This verse is too repetitive and makes the flow very awkward. I suggest omitting it in some of the stanzas or rewriting each one so that this line varies from stanza to stanza.

OVERALL:

*Right*Overall, I think you have a fabulous poem. I think the repetitious line "The sun had kissed the sky that kissed that day" takes away from the poem rather than adds to it. Your diction is great. The emotion the poem leaves me with is pride for my country. Good Job!

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"The flame cast, the phoenix risen
Testament to the American vision"
*Right*This is a very powerful verse. It is also very true. This incident will always be more than just part of America's history. It is part of who we are and how we act and react.

"The heroes came one and all
Many only came to fall"
*Right*This is so beautifully stated. Many heroes came to save only to fall to their grave. We will always remember them.


I truly enjoyed reading your poem.*Heart* I hope my comments and suggestions are helpful. Each suggestion is provided in the spirit of encouragement.*Bird* May you decide what is best for your work.*Idea*


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