I thought you did very well in keeping with the historical time period. I’ve never read the book this is based on, so some of the stuff that struck me as strange would probably be answered in there, so I won’t with that since this is kind of a fanfiction piece. You did well at describing the characters and fleshing them out. They each have distinctive characteristics and their own personal voices. Your dialogue was excellent too. One thing I wanted to mention, though is that the story seems kind of short. This is probably because it leaves off where the book picks up (I assume?), but the ending just seemed a little weak. Like I said, it would probably make more sense if I had read the book...I might have to check it out.  Otherwise, I really enjoyed this story.
Here are a some suggestions for you:
If only he didn’t feel so inadequate next to this father, who was much taller than him.
-This should be his.
His lip trembled at the thought, betraying the anxiety he felt.
-I would suggest changing this to lips, unless you want to specify which lip trembled.
She is smart, yet demur. She has long, silky blonde hair and the sweetest blue eyes, windows into her darling soul. She is a fine shape. If the Archduke was not Catholic, she might not have refused him, but she was unwilling to change her religion for him.
-This paragraph seemed a little awkward when I came to it, because it is written in present tense and kind of breaks up the story a little bit. I would suggest rewording it. Something like She was smart, yet demur. She had long, silky ... You get the idea. The way you have it worded just made the whole paragraph seem out of place in the rest of the story.
“Remember, you are a prince, but do not forget, in front of the princess you are Monsieur de Busch, traveling for your own pleasure.”
-I added the a, because I didn’t think it sounded right without it.
They rarely received visitors in small little Ansbach and not at the summer residence were it was barely staffed.
Typo: were should be where.
Her own mother had died when she was eleven and Sophia Charlotte had raised her until her own death, a couple of months ago.
-I added the bold her.
Caroline left in sadness after her death to join her brother in Ansbach, but nothing seemed to help her mood.
-I would suggest a little clarification here. Caroline left where in sadness? Germany, Berlin, whatever, it just needs some clarification to help the sentence flow better and make more sense.
His cheeks were full of color and his lively expressive hinted at his vitality.
-I think expressive should be changed to expression.
She reached out and put her hand on her window still to brace her now unsteady feet.
-Typo: still should be sill.
Her eyes fluttered as she absently smiled, Her thoughts lingered on the young nobleman.
-You either need to change that comma to a period or a semi-colon and change Her to her. Or, if you prefer, you can change Her to her and then change lingered to lingering.
I would be delighted to hear how her mother is doing.
-I added the be.
The Electress Sophia is just as kind as her daughter was.”
-The daughter is dead, so I would suggest reflecting that fact by adding was at the end.
His pulse raced, and despite himself, he felt his pants grow hard.
-I’m not sure this is really possible, if you understand what I mean. I would reword this sentence.
Caroline was very much aware of her brother’s eyes. His protective stare warned her not to linger on this man’s compliments.
-I added the to.
He had always favored blonde hair, blue eyes, and a curvy body, but she was the living fulfillment of everything he wanted in a woman.
-I added the was.
His disgusted name was Monsieur Stedwig.
-I think this should be disguised. (Unless it really is a disgusting name!)
Baron von Eltz engaged William in a conversation about politics, leaving George to talk to Caroline. He’d never seen his charge so animated and excited in all his life.
-I’m not quite sure about the placement of this sentence. It occurs right before George asks Caroline why she looks so sad, which wouldn’t indicate that she’s either animated or excited. And she doesn’t seem to be either throughout most of their dinner. If you decided to keep this as is, though, I would suggest changing He’d to William, just to clarify who you’re talking about.
She found Monsieur de Busch very animated with lively expression and neat features.
-I think this should be expressions.
I believing nothing could speed her recovery more than your visit.”
-Should be believe.
With every passing minute, she was drawn more and more into him.
-I would suggest changing into to to.
They both stumbled back and hit the wall. Caroline softly laughed and George put one hand on her upper arm, with the other, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his body so they were chest to chest.
-I would suggest adding the with and removing the second comma to help with sentence flow.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  . |
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