Greetings from "We luv in depth reviews! Contest" , BABYGIRL !
The Beginning
Your title and description is very good, the only error being that Alzheimer’s needs an apostrophe. Other than that, perfect for attracting the reader!
Your first paragraph goes straight into the action, and creates a very relaxed atmosphere with Jake in his recliner and Mary humming the old song. A good start but within the third paragraph we know that Jake probably has Alzheimer’s (or even sooner than that, depending if the reader has read the description!). Perhaps, you could include a flashback where Mary tries to talk to Jake about Alzheimer’s, but he gets mad. That not only makes it more interesting for the reader, but it gives an idea of what the characters’ personalities are. Another thing you could do is give another example where Jake forgets something so it gives an indication that he may have Alzheimer’s without just simply telling the reader.
Another thing that might be effective for the first few paragraphs is to show this bit through either Mary or Jake’s point of view. This way the reader can get to know one of the characters better and they can quickly sympathise with Mary or Jake when Jake is told he has Alzheimer’s.
The bit where the old couple starts crying because Jake has forgotten now many kids he has has the potential to be very moving. However, because Jake and Mary start crying so quickly into the story, it doesn’t give chance for the reader to feel anything for the characters yet. So my suggestion is to use a flashback as I’ve said before and/or make that particular bit more descriptive and slowly make the characters start crying.
It’s a bit confusing when you quickly go from one set to another, I suggest that you use stars at the end of the conversation between Mary and Jake so the reader knows exactly what’s happening.
The doctor scene seems a bit rushed; perhaps you could describe what is happening a bit better or cut it out all together? This way you could start that scene from where Mary is driving them back to the hotel and one of them starts thinking about what took place at the hospital and then Jake says that they need to make some big decisions quickly.
I love the relationship between Mary and Jake – it’s so sweet! You’ve captured a great element in story writing there – well done!
The middle
Once again, quite a lot of telling and not much showing. I recommend that you describe more because then the reader will be able picture what is happening more easily in their minds.
I’m not trying to sound harsh, but all the children feel very 2-D in the scene where Jake is telling them that he has Alzheimer’s. Especially since there are five of them, it would make sense that they have distinguishable differences in their reactions to this news. For example, you could use
In one paragraph you say that the couple spent a lot of time in bed talking to each other, it would be really interesting if we saw one of those and would produce a lot of effect in this short story.
I love the fact that Mary seems to be the tower of strength in the whole of this piece. The reader really starts to feel for her and I have a feeling that you enjoyed writing her very much!
For the children to sound more realistic, I suggest that you have lots of back-story for the children, even if you don’t use it all it’s still useful to have some.
The end
I think what would’ve made this story better is if you were to describe the surroundings and what people look like a bit more. Also, everyone seemed to talk the same so it wasn’t easy to see what the different personalities were.
I’m rather confused, if Mary was the rock when Jake was dying, how come she has a nervous breakdown when she dies? Also, how does that add to the plot?
I don’t know much about Alzheimer’s, but surely there are other signs than memory loss! If there are, I don’t remember you including them.
I know that you’re probably sick of hearing me say this by now, but there is a lot telling instead of showing in the end, especially when Jake dies. To me, the end feels very…rushed. It’s almost as though you got sick of writing this story and ended it very quickly (no offence, of course!). I suggest that you seriously consider re-writing this part as I definitely found it the most confusing part of the story. In some places, your pace is very slow, like the beginning for example, but in others, especially the end, the pace was too fast to enjoy the story.
That saying, you last paragraph was sound. I especially liked the last line. Perhaps if you read the first and last paragraphs (my favourite bits!) you could keep to a certain style and pace, which would add effect and make the whole piece much more moving.
Technical bits
she made them some lunch
You don’t need wordiness like that
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you. What were you thinking about so intently?” Mary asked.
Jake took her hand and said, “That song you were humming made me think
You need to make a new paragraph whenever anyone new starts to speak and it would be useful if you could leave a line so it’s easier to read.
Mary asked, “What’s wrong sweetheart?”
Make sure you leave a gap for speech and remember an apostrophe when shortening “what is” to “what’s”.
“I’m confused; you said five kids
Dr. Davis
Remember the gap after Dr.
“Alright, make the call,” Jake sadly said
Remember that you only use a full stop inside quotations if there is an action after it. I know it’s really easy to get punctuation wrong as it’s really easy to miss but I recommend looking carefully at the punctuation in a book.
Let’s
Remember the apostrophe when shortening “let us” to “let’s”.
Won’t
Remember the apostrophe when shorting “will not” to “won’t”.
Alzheimer’s
Remember the apostrophe in Alzheimer’s, especially since it’s the main theme of the story!
Mary said, “Yes
Make sure the first letter is a capital when starting speech.
and it’s in its late stages
Remember that “it is” is short for “it’s” and “its” is only when it is possessive.
Remember to leave a space after every comma, full stop and when starting speech.
Overall impressions
I quite enjoyed this piece, however as I’ve said before, the bad grammar was distracting and pace altered too much throughout the story.
If you have any questions on what I’ve said then please do not hesitate to ask!
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