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Hi Ghost. I'm Dee, a member of the Super Power Reviewers. I found your story, The Long Road Home, in the "Browse By Type" section, while looking for something to capture my interest.
Title/Description Line & Genre
I liked the title the minute I saw it. It's what caught my attention when I looked for something to read. But I admit, unless I looked at the genre you listed, the description didn't sound like a frightening story. While accurate and to the point, it could be made more scary and appealing to the reader if you touched it up a bit. Perhaps something like:
It was a long, desolate ride, but to Walter, sharing the road took on a whole new meaning.
Or something you come up with that can really pack a punch by giving the reader a hint of what's to come, without giving the plot away.
Plot/Setting & Structure
Great plot! You open with the setting, and set the stage for the conflict, which I see as two-fold. One conflict being the lonely, and uncomfortable ride, and of course the later conflict, (which I won't say, since I don't want to give away the plot surprise to anyone reading this review). You began to build the tension even prior to the inciting incident, being when Walter thought he ran someone over. Nice work with this opening. And the scenes where the rising action continues had me glued to the page. You show a talent for structuring your scenes. This story has a very defined beginning, middle and end. I liked that while you did give a lot of information, it was broken up through the scenes, rather than just dumped all at once.
Character
Walter is a very realistic and believable character. As a trucker, I could relate to his predicament with his vehicle and his comments and reactions. What I especially liked was that every time he got nervous, or stressed, he lit a cigarette or took a drag off it. Good characterization. I would say he's very emotional during this trip and his personality is clearly shown through his internal thoughts and actions.
Dialogue/Narration & POV
Good dialogue, even though it is limited in the story. But between the actual spoken dialogue and his internal thoughts, the story never looses momentum. It moves the story forward with every sentence and thought, directly relating to the plot. Your narrative voice is strong, focused and adds to the plot through the limited third person POV. His dialogue is also very realistic, but you do use several dialogue tags that aren't necessary when his feelings are shown.
Descriptive Writing
Good descriptive writing, with lots of action on the page. There are several areas of passive writing in the descriptions, however. I counted at least 15 sentences that should be rewritten to active tense.
Tone/Flow & Pacing
I believe your tone was one of frustration, showing annoyance and discouragement throughout the story, but the mood has an ominous flavor with fear and tension, as well as loneliness. You use these to accent the story from beginning to end. The flow is well done, all paragraphs and their subject flow one into the next smoothly, no clunky transitions. And story paced along well.
Punctuation/Grammar & Spelling
Now, while I've given your story high marks in the above elements, there is one area that does need attention. There are several places that need attention to punctuation, as well as several sentences that need to be changed from passive to active, and a number of words that could be changed for better readability. Just a few examples:
For better readability:
beginning to fall - could be changed to falling
began to fall - could be changed to fell
began to crawl - crawled
wasn’t going to - would not
Several Passive Writing:
what little light and heat were left - could be changed to: it left what little light and heat
was hooded - could be changed to: The person wore a hood
were glued - could be changed to: Walter’s eyes stayed fixed
the truck was plunged - could be changed to: the truck plunged into darkness
Many Adverbs: - These should be used sparingly or eliminated
cautiously
definitely
willfully
exactly
These are just a few examples. I did notice several more than I listed for each area. A good going over in an edit will catch most of these, I'm sure.
Final Thoughts ![StarR *StarR*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/starr.png)
As I mentioned several times, I really loved this story, and I truly like your style of writing. With a edit in these areas, this story would rate 5 stars with me. I'd be glad to reread and rerate this story if you decide to revise it.
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