Very nice. And, I thought the title was quite appropriate for the story, I wouldn't change it. You delivered a lot of punch with very few words. Althought I never read them, I never read the Trixie Belden series. I was a fan of the Hardy Boys and Tom Swift. I thought the ending was quite touching. There's I can add in the way of changes, nor did I see any errors. Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece with us.
This is really quite good. I think you're selling yourself a bit short. I like poetry, but I don't write it all that well. If this were my piece, I'd break it up from the paragraphs you've used into a more traditional poetry format. Something like this;
Two hearts, beating in time,
Sensations, ebbing and surging,
Yet filling each,
Climbing to new heights.
Fingers intertwined overhead,
gripping each other,
and the silk beneath,
Emotions running high,
His touch,
Her feel, smooth, soft, and slick.
Her taste,
Her honeyed skin,
Unlike any other, salty and sweet still.
Tousled, damp tresses,
Darkened in dim light,
Whispering across his face,
Her scent closer with them,
Hardening his every muscle.
There's a real rhythm to what you've written. There's a lot of emotion, power and sensuality in your words. I really enjoyed reading this piece. Very well done!
I'm not quite sure what to make of this little piece of work. It is quite interesting. I can hear the "Ave Marias" and "Pater Nosters" with click of her rosary beads. Why did abandon her rosary? Did she give up hope? The last paragraph just didn't seem to fit the rest of the story. I did like the "She dared to dream", this above all else seemed to fit with her tale.
Overall, I liked this piece as it made me think, and I read it numerous times before offering my comments. So, a hearty well done, and write on!
It's good that you love your country. I feel the same way about my own country. I am a Canadian living in the US, so often I feel that I am looking in through the window. It bothers me to see what I'm seeing lately. There seems to be so much hate in the country now, so much divisivness. Laws are being passed that target certain ethnic groups, intolerance seems to be the order of the day. But, it's people like you that give hope, and at this time, hope is what we desperately need.
It's good that you love your country, but I'm proud to be a Canadian.
It's an interesting little bit of poetry you have here. I like the first line, especially, whisper as loud as you can. The second line needs a bit of work. It just doesn't feel right. I think I would have written it, With the sunrise, and make it a suprise, The next two lines are solid. The final two are a bit off.
Hurts when I'm happy, pleasant when I'm sad
It doesn't matter,
Everything I do, is to keep me from growing mad.
Maybe something along that line. Overall, it was a decent poem, and really, given your age, it shows maturity in your writing. Write On!
I quite enjoyed this piece. But, at the end I was left wondering, what was the flower. Although it's incorrect, as at least on the prairies, it's generally one of the first signs of spring, I saw the crocus in your poem. And what a nice way to describe a flower, as Nature's treasure. You've given the reader a little treasure with this poem. Thanks for entering the contest!
A pretty little poem dedicated for a pretty little flower. I have roses in my back yard, and your piece reminds me of them. Each line is like a petal. The first verse is so much like the new rose, a swelling bud with just a hint of the color yet to come. The second is a bit like the opening, the petals so thin, delicate and perfectly formed. The final verse we see the full bloom of the rose. Quite nice! And thanks for entering.
This is a a lovely piece of poetry that is inspired by spring. I really like the first two lines, the visuals of the rain kissing the grass, and the resulting puddles giving life back to the ground are really nicely done. There's a lot going on in this short piece, each line gives the reader muliple clues to what is happening. Well done, and thanks for entering the contest!
A wonderful poem. There's not much to be said here in review. As a pet owner who has lost a dog, I can sympathise so closely to your words. A dogs love is unconditional, they don't care what you have or don't. It's you they love. Thanks for sharing your work with us.
I didn't like it the first time I read it, but I suspect that it was because it wasn't what I had expected. On the second time through, I began to enjoy it. I had visions of grape vines, but on the third reading,Of eager, well-tended trees. , this line dashed that idea. I'm not sure what kind of tree it was. Maybe olives? I think that's the memory I'll leave this poem with. An olive orchard? No. Foiled again. In this widely sown and colorful orchard… I think a bit of everything will answer the question.
All in all, a very satisfying poem to read. And it seemed that with each pass, there was something new . Well done!
You really should go throught this poem and correct all of the spelling mistakes. And that includes the title. I wasn't sure what the poem was going to be about. My first impression was that of a deaf person, "I'm Hearless."
Spend the extra few minutes, run your work through spellchecker before submitting it.
One of my favorite summer things to do was to lay in the grass and stare up at the clouds. This poem brings those days back. I like the picture you painted with the line "Clouds on parade". I never thought of it in that context before, but I have to admit, that's a bit of how it was like.
The whole of the third verse seems to be magical. "On whimsy pass" this line just makes me smile. And like the clouds your poem constantly evolves and changes with each line.
This story was found in Fancie's Bragging Board. Overall, a very well written piece. My only suggestion is to watch the use of the ellipses. It should be used to show a fragment of speec, or thought and shouldn't be used for a pause. Typicall the em dash - is used. Other than that's there no suggestions that I have that would make this fine piece any better. Write On!
Why did you want this reviewed? It's virtually the same as your other piece. My advice is if you're being bullied at school to report it. There's really nothing to review here, a few sentences I do hope life improves for you. Take care and write on!!
I'm not much for reading dark poetry, too often it's poorly written, and self indulgent. This however, rises above the norm of t he doom and gloom. It feels more like a song than a poem. The chorus, or verses two and four is best of this piece. Overall, I'd rate this piece of poetry as a good effort, one that I'm glad that I took the time to read. Thanks for sharing with us, and write on!
You've given us a very short, and tender piece about someone who seemed to mean a lot to you. I never found a satisfactory rhythm, but due to the subject matter, I don't think I'd change anything. The last three lines are probably the most touching of all. A wish for things to have been different. I think most of us can realate to this poem. Thanks for sharing.
I think this would have worked better if you had written it as a letter to your boyfriend. It's not really poetic, and it doesn't sing. It's raw emotion. Take what you've written here, capture its power and turn it into something else. You've got a great voice in your writing. Good luck and keep writing.
This poem just didn't quite work for me. I think mostly because it seemd out of order. I would have gone school, doctor, club scene, marriage, grey hair. The way you have it written, it just seems to jump all over the place, establish an order, that way your poem will flow more naturally. Good luck and write on!
Without even looking at your profile, I suspect you're from the UK. "Nappy" Very nice opening paragraphs, you immediaitely piqued my interest in the story.
"I'm just about to get started on breakfast, you want eggs or cereal and toast?" But of course he barely grunts, reaches for a cereal bar and holds it out to me in answer. You need to insert a paragraph break here.
after all he has barely turned fifteen. Use the word, not the number, it makes the sentence flow much better. looking more like a grown up than her seventeen years
Silence. Just a period, that's all you need.
I prepared a casserole for dinner, which I may very well be eating alone, and I've cleaned every room to which I'm allowed access. You don't need the paranthases, commas are all that's required.
"So." My cheeriness and smile belie my weary temperament. "What have you got planned for the afternoon?" You're not using a voice tag, so you use a period to end the dialog and capitalize the narrative at that point.
Three of the last four paragraphs start with I, watch that, and try to mix it up.
Overall, an excellent bit of writing that. I could feel her frustration with her children. A very good read!
Well, to be honest, it didn't work all that well. You need to do more, show the readers what's going on. Here's your dialog.
“Hand over the money or I’ll-“ I tried to sound threatening to the young female teller.
Jonah tugged on my pants. “Daddy! Where’s the bathroom?”
“It’s over by the two security guards that I knocked out earlier.” I motioned toward the signs that advertised the restrooms
“Thanks Daddy.” My son smiled proudly at me and scurried towards the bathroom, undoing his pants as he went.
I turned my attention back to the perplexed teller. “Right. Now where was I? Oh yeah. Hand over the money or I’ll-“
Pure dialog will work in short bursts, but it has to be very well written. Show the readers what's going on with the dialog and with the characters actions. I hope this has been some help.
I'm not quite sure what you've presented here with this piece. You've got a few errors.
You get what you give. For whose responsibility is it to live, I want what's best The corrections are in bold.
It's not that I am being picky, life is tricky
But I only want the best for me, Am I afraid to change? I'm not sure of your intent here. If the sentence ends at me. Then change the comma to a period. If the comma is correct then change Am to am.
The first two lines are a bit awkward. I think you need to lose one of the "for me's" I think the second one at the end of the line is the better of the two, so I'd keep and lose the first "for me."
I can feel this piece when I read it, there is power in it, and it's honest inward look
A good effort, and I did enjoy reading and reviewing it.
I have to admit, you made it work fairly well. It was a nice look at what you call home. As a desert dweller, you also remind of things that I don't miss. I'm suprised, not a mention of the Packers, or Lambeau Field in December. A very nicely done poem and you made me smile. Thanks for sharing with us.
Well, this was a breath of fresh air! The last line floored me. Your little piece does evoke some images, I knew oppurtunity knocks, but I didn't realise that it danced as well. What do your think it wears? Visions of a slinky, black dress seem to fit your haiku. She taunts, teases, cajoles, promises, and then leaves ya high and dry.
Your haiku was a delight to read, and review! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!
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