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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
What is something you've read on WdC that has really impressed you by another member?

Lots of things have, in the moment... but courtesy of the old traumatic brain injury, I couldn't tell you anything about them now (Just as I can tell you I ate yesterday, but can't remember what)!

It does have its advantages, I can read a book several times, know I've read it before, but not remember what's coming next!
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Review of Home  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

"Home" was an interesting piece. Honestly, I'm still trying to decide what I made of it as I type this - so apologies if this is a little disjointed (I'll try and tidy it up when I get to the end!).

Herein we find a lone wanderer traveling through a vaguely British medieval landscape with hints of science fiction ("A man in this incarnation. No face to put to name or vice versa") while phrases like “the dissolution of mine self” show deliberate, 'walking' rhythm and imagery, lending the work an almost liturgical cadence.

The diction, with its archaisms, spiritual musings, and self-reflection creates both intimacy and distance: the reader easily feels the narrator’s solitude but, his quest (beside the literal - to get home), assuming there is one, eludes me.

Stylistically, the contrast between the world in flux ("new and strange conflicting philosophies of man through the divine" - reflecting changes subsequent to the Norman invasion) and transcendent voices reflects the eternal human tension between the spiritual and the worldly.

I very much liked the storm and rainbow serving as natural witnesses to his revelation, very evocative of the British countryside pretty much year round!

That said, there were several places where reading flow was interrupted - whether through small errors or 'hiccough' where I had to reread for meaning.

i.e. In your opening paragraph (which I'd end here) "There I was, walking down English hill and plain. A man in this incarnation. No face to put to name or vice versa. But what drew me, what distracted me from the clanging sword in hilt at my hip and sore feet of journeys unpartnered by paths, was the heavenly voices of those indoctrinated elders and poor eunuch boys."

How does one walk down plains (which are, by definition, flat areas of land)?

Is "in hilt" really needed? Cutting a couple of words keeps the meaning, yet smooths the flow a little.

If you want to make the work more accessible, phrasing could be simplified. Something like this, maybe? "...sore feet of journeys unpartnered by paths,") *Right* ...sore feet from journeys 'cross trackless ground,

A couple of typos stood out: mideavil (medieval) in the short description, "I was.alone." ('I. Was. Alone.' for emphasis or, 'I was alone.')

Overall? Atmospheric with great imagery and detail, memorable, but obscured by density.

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3
3
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

"This Parasite, Madness" is a dark, rhythmic exploration of internal torment.

The consistent use of anapestic tetrameter gives each line a rolling, chant-like rhythm that mirrors the persistence of the madness being described therein. The poem’s tone alternates between anguish and fatalistic acceptance, culminating in a bleak resignation: the idea that this madness is not merely an invader but a consuming inevitability.

Each of the stanzas examines this madness and its effect from a distinct perspective - the brain (logic), heart (emotion), gut (physical) and finally a holistic/existential dimension.

The imagery you employ therein is particularly strong - “terrible teeth,” “razor-sharp claws,” and “putrid blight” making physical what is otherwise an abstract condition; while the Nidhogg reference roots the poem in mythic resonance. Suggesting that the speaker’s madness is not merely personal but cosmic, a force gnawing at the very foundations of being.

Overall, the poem succeeds both technically and thematically: it uses strict meter and rhyme not as constraint, but as mechanisms to heighten the intensity of despair. The result is a powerful and cohesive portrayal of psychological decay.

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4
4
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

"This Parasite, Madness" is a dark, rhythmic exploration of internal torment.

The consistent use of anapestic tetrameter gives each line a rolling, chant-like rhythm that mirrors the persistence of the madness being described therein. The poem’s tone alternates between anguish and fatalistic acceptance, culminating in a bleak resignation: the idea that this madness is not merely an invader but a consuming inevitability.

Each of the stanzas examines this madness and its effect from a distinct perspective - the brain (logic), heart (emotion), gut (physical) and finally a holistic/existential dimension.

The imagery you employ therein is particularly strong - “terrible teeth,” “razor-sharp claws,” and “putrid blight” making physical what is otherwise an abstract condition; while the Nidhogg reference roots the poem in mythic resonance. Suggesting that the speaker’s madness is not merely personal but cosmic, a force gnawing at the very foundations of being.

Overall, the poem succeeds both technically and thematically: it uses strict meter and rhyme not as constraint, but as mechanisms to heighten the intensity of despair. The result is a powerful and cohesive portrayal of psychological decay.

New Anniversary Review image.


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5
5
Review of The Kraken  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

This I liked! Your poem employs a regular rhyme scheme, mostly sustaining a rhythm and musicality throughout. However, a few lines show irregular meter or phrasing that momentarily interrupt the otherwise smooth flow.

For instance (NB one random guy-on-the-internet's opinion only!):

“He sprang to his feet // What magic is this?” could be revised to “He sprang to his feet // What magic was this?” for tense consistency, aligning past events in the same frame.

“He yelled and hollered // But to fall on deaf ears” might become “He yelled and he hollered // Screams no-one would hear” Which retains the emotional intensity but also clarifies logic: if, as subsequent lines state, the fjord is abandoned, there are no “ears” to be deaf.

“The water boiled // And thrived with pain // Awoke the monster” could be tweaked to something like “The water boiled // Writhing made plain // Awake was the monster” which more tightly links imagery and cause, implying the Kraken’s awakening is felt through the water’s motion while smoothing the meter.

Overall, “The Kraken” succeeds in evoking mood and tension, telling the unnamed man's tale while capturing the mythic power of the creature’s rising. With slight adjustments for rhythm and phrasing, the poem’s atmosphere and narrative drive could become even more compelling.

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Review of Memories  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

Memories is a deeply personal, and generally well written, reflection on your childhood experiences.

Subject notwithstanding, I liked the matter-of-fact presentation and only noticed a few minor grammatical/punctuation issues you might like to look at:

e.g. Original: I hated my parents but most of all I hated God. " How could he do this to me," I wondered. -- You might like to consider a slight rewrite along these lines: I hated my parents but, most of all, I hated God. How, I wondered, could he do this to me?

Which corrects some punctuation (question mark for the question, removed speech marks as not dialogue or reported speech), and rearranged slightly for flow.

e.g. The 'My life was horrible' paragraph could be broken into at least two paragraphs (I'd suggest a paragraph break at 'By the age of thirteen,' to separate the 'ongoing' from the 'results' (hopefully my intent there is clear, as I can't think of a better way to phrase it!).

More significantly, I couldn't help but feel there's something missing between "...found my freedom." and the concluding paragraph. Something that describes what you subsequently did with that freedom. The things. that is, you did (forgave, moved on, the path you took as I doubt such forgiveness came quickly, or easily) that leads to the 'life is what you make of it' conclusion.

Overall, good but missing a little polish in places, and in need of that bridging section.

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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)
Hi,

Just a quick review of your short poem.

First of, I like the way you've addressed the topic (driving anxiety), the lines 'feel' mostly balanced and have a good rhythm & rhyme scheme to them.

That said, a few small tweaks you might like to consider (or not) to emphasise rhythm further & correct a couple of small errors:

As the opening line makes a 3rd party the speaker, line 2 could be tweaked to:

"I'd much rather you stayed in bed," (to keep the same speaker) OR "But, I'd much rather stay in bed," (to revert to your voice).

You could use enjambment on lines 3&4 which, I think, would improve the rhythm.

For every time I drive, I
feel I've bumped my head,

And the final line (which should start with a capital letter) - Because I won't go, to where I'm led.

Minor changes (an extra word, or punctuation mark, here and there) that I think would elevate an already good poem to something along these lines, maybe.

Don't do this, or that, they said,
But I'd much rather stay in bed,
For every time I drive, I feel
as though I've bumped my head,
Because I won't go, to where I'm led.

NB - One random guy on the internet's opinion only!


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8
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Review of Fan Mail  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: 18+ ★★★★★ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

I've read through 'Fan Mail' a few times now, and I'm honestly not sure what to make of it... so let's see if I can come to a conclusion as I write this review!

It starts as a perfectly normal piece of fan mail might, with hints of the obsession (strongly worded letter to the Times) that follows, and detriorates into 'outright madness'.

This 'madness' / complete obsession is well portrayed, deeply unsettling in places and an effective exploration of 'obsession'. The gradual shift from apparent normality to mania is particularly effective.

That said, I think you've missed a potential 'trick' - you could have experimented with a parallel structure, that of the outwardly polite letter and the thoughts (scratched out? monologue interspersed therewith?) such that the 'clean' copy hides 'everything' from the recipient, thereby amplifying the horror.

Overall? Fan Mail is chilling and vividly written, but with a little structural experimentation it could become an even more layered portrayal of obsession at its breaking point.

Side note: In context, it's the sort of 'mistake' a normal writer might make, and therefore only mentioned because it's the sort of thing my brain hangs up on, but isn't "Exacto" (X-Acto) a brand name? In which case it should ordinarily be capitalised.


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Review of Game Models  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
Hi,

I've found myself reading / listening to a lot (too much?) of LitRPG these last few weeks and there's more than the odd passing similarity between Game Models and those books.

This is a well‑structured, immersive piece that blends near‑future speculative tech with gamer aesthetics. The story effectively traces Samir’s journey from a student concept to a global AR ecosystem that 'gamifies' life itself - which is distinct from the 'norm' of transportation to an alternate dimension/new body/etc.

The language throughout is suitably 'techy' and the systems / architecture are believable, possibly even moreso now than when you first posted this (2019?)!
***

That said, there are a few places which might benefit from a review / light polish.

Take, for example this excerpt:
“Samir,” he said, voice low, “see me after class. I think we need to talk about making this a reality.”

I froze, heart thudding. Then my AR glasses pinged, a notification sliding into view:

***** Teacher Approval Quest Detected. Would you like to begin this quest? Y/N *****
 
It's a little unclear / confusing: if the professor wants to meet to 'make this a reality', how is Samir getting a game 'quest' from a system that doesn't yet exist?

You might consider either explicitly framing this as Samir imagining how the game would respond (e.g. a line indicating he’s mentally “overlaying” his concept on real life), or making the notification something more mundane (for instance, a calendar app confirming the appointment) that he then mentally reframes as a quest.
***

Similarly, in this paragraph we appear to have the cart before the horse (talking about Game Models, which doesn't yet exist, then saying he'd never have found that ridge without it) - or did you mean 'FitFlow'?
Education was the easy sell. Free platforms like EduSphere already tracked your grades, test scores, and progress since kindergarten. Game Models would plug in, turning lectures into “Knowledge Raids,” quizzes into “Skill Challenges.” I’d compare my linguistics XP with my buddy Priya’s bioengineering stats, trash-talking over coffee. Fitness? Same deal—apps like FitFlow counted every calorie burned, every muscle flexed. Game Models would make my weekend hikes a “Trailblazer Quest,” augmenting random paths near Boulder with glowing markers or alien ruins. Last month, I’d trekked a ridge I’d never have found without it, panting under a virtual meteor shower.
 
Additionally, and only a very minor niggle, you're using speech marks to denote nomenclature in your list, not speech - so the punctuation is a little 'off': ...“Knowledge Raids”, and quizzes into “Skill Challenges”. (Italics may be a better option?)

Minor points, but enough to drop a little from a 'perfect' score.


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10
10
Review of Food  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.0)
Hi there,

*Presses 'backspace' a time or two, as I didn't see the comedy tag initially.

You write with a light, playful (almost childish) tone to capture the joy and personal significance of food (and, more importantly, eating).

But:

I can't help but wonder if you've leant too far into that childish whimsy in places and, possibly intentionally, a few lines feel clunky.

Technically, you appear to be using enjambment (e.g. lines one and two) - so some punctuation is unnecessary or you're missing some capitalisation.
With enjambment

I walked along the river’s edge
and watched the moon slip quietly
behind a cloud of sleep.
 
Without enjambment

I walked along the river’s edge,
I watched the moon slip quietly,
Behind a cloud of sleep.
 
Overall, it didn't quite hit the mark for me as it comes across as, for the lack of a better word, naive rather than playful - but, obviously, that's just some random-guy-on-the-internet's opinion!


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11
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Review of City of Eternity  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (2.0)
Hi and welcome to the site (belatedly).

I saw your review request in 'Noticing Newbies' and well, here we go :)

First off, and possibly due to the way the site works (or doesn't) when uploading a document, City of Eternity does rather resemble a 'wall of text' - at least editing in line breaks between paras, around dialogue, etc. is a trivial endeavour.
***

The opening para introduces an interesting and effective hook but, as with the following, the punctuation needs some attention (and there's a small typo - ...people calling Jame's name...).

Presenting the paragraph as one long sentence blunts the shock and makes it harder to follow. Breaking it up and sharpening the focus on James would heighten tension.
​
You might consider:

- anchoring us in James (even if in close third person) instead of an abstract “an impact, a loud bang,” e.g. “The impact slammed James forward” rather than just “An impact.”

- moving “time of death” to the end of a short, punchy sentence on its own.

- trimming one repetition of “words you would not expect to ever hear” to avoid redundancy.

To give something along these lines:

The impact slammed him forwards. He remembered that, and the bang. And the way everything seemed to move in slow motion as the world spun before him. After that there were only fragments. Sirens, people calling his name and the shocks that made his body convulse on the hard blacktop. And the words he'd never thought he'd hear.

"Time of death," muttered solemnly,"thirteen-oh-five."

Shorter sentences here mirror the chaos and fragmented memories, giving each beat room to land.
***
Moving on...

You give us a lot of James’s history up front (custody battle, job, Ivy’s mother, mental health). It’s emotionally rich but arrives in big blocks of exposition, which slows the opening scene.

Suggestions:

Keep some key details now (his daughter, the custody fight, his mental health) but consider spreading the rest through later chapters (and/or later in this chapter), and use more show than tell...

For example, James's bond with Ivy...

You could have James see a photograph of his daughter, and react strongly thereto - show the depth of his feelings, with a little dia/monologue thrown in to tie the reaction to its cause:
***

You’re mostly in third person past, but you sometimes drift into second person (“Wouldn’t that be a scary one?”) and occasionally sound like a narrator addressing the reader directly.

Choose one POV and stick to it *Bigsmile* - close third person past seems to fit what you’re doing, although first person would work too. A clean, consistent POV will make everything more immersive and less confusing.
***

Technically, there are a few further issues with punctuation, capitalisation and spelling spread through the text...

e.g. James rubbed his eyes, body aching. "f*** me, why is it so bright?" he muttered like he had just woke up from an unexpected nap. *Right* James rubbed his eyes. "f*** me, why is it so bright?" he muttered, body aching like he had just woken up from an unexpected nap.

e.g. James's surname - Mackenzie initially, becomes Mckenzie.

e.g. James's old clapped out car *Right* James's old, clapped-out car... comma to separate items in the list, compound adjectives should be hyphenated.
***

Overall, an interesting premise if a very rough first draft. Something I'd probably enjoy reading after some significant polishing.


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Review of Who am I?  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

"Who am I?" is an interesting exploration of self framed through the senses and daily experience with the repetitive structure (I think/see/hear/etc.) effectively grounding the potentially abstract in concrete moments.

The poem's imagery evokes both nostalgia and uncertainty (boy in the mirror, family getting smaller as time goes on, and so on) but some of the phrasing reads a little awkwardly in several places, to me at least.

Take, for example, this line: My family getting smaller as the time goes on. *Right* '...time goes by.' might read more smoothly.

If, however, you'd also like to use slightly more poetic language, you could further refine this to something like 'Family tree thinning like branches as seasons change.'

There's also some repetition in the 'I go' section - where 'take' appears several times - only a minor niggle, but you could vary the verb/phrasing to make the stanza more interesting, and help emphasise each different journey (e.g. where dreams take me and destiny leads, down paths my legs are willing to wander...)

Overall, a heartfelt and relatable poem that captures hope, uncertainty, and self-awareness in a candid, sincere voice albeit with room to grow in phrasing sophistication and depth of imagery.


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Review of The Space Between  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*
Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

First impressions of this short story could be better, resembling as it does a 'wall of text'. Notwithstanding that this may be consequent on WritingML / upload mechanics, it's easily rectified by editing in line breaks between paragraphs, around dialogue, etc.

That, and a few minor suggestions (to follow) aside, you've written a nicely moody short story inhabiting that liminal space between life and death, that emotionally 'lifts' at the end following the 'twist'...

You set the scene well, drawing the reader into that eerie / introspective space yet you might consider:

A little more detail would aid immersion in places: e.g. "I peeked inside the car on the road and saw my assassin." - How did the sight make the protagonist feel (if anything)? What condition was the car in?

You might consider something along these lines: I was drawn to my assassin's car, curious about the man who'd ended my life. Peering through the spider-webbed glass I saw him, confused at the ordinariness of the man sat slumped against the airbag. He didn't look like...

As we're experiencing things through the protagonist's senses, maybe Death's suit should be described as 'expensive looking' instead of simply 'expensive'.

Speaking of Death, nicely characterised - and use of show not tell (lighting a cigarette) to show he's not frozen like everything else... but maybe a subtle hint or reason why he stands out in the crowd before then?

Overall, the full emotional arc provides a haunting meditation on accountability and grace. The dialogue feels 'real', and the protagonist is both believable and empathetic.


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14
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (1.0)
Truly awful - well done :D


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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

Before I get on to the story itself, unfortunately, something stood out concerning your presentation.

Dialogue: It's good that you gave each change of speaker their own line, however, said lines should have a line space between for clarity (mayhap an artifact of uploading here?).

That aside, though, all looks good.

So on to the story:- The story has great comic potential (the vampire disgusted by / phobic of blood), as established in the brief expository introductory paragraph - you could have maybe gone for more show to help draw your readers in.

e.g. something along these lines? Reginald scowled at himself in the mirror - well, the place his face would have been if he hadn't have been a vampire - and threw the glass of freshly heated blood down the sink, gagging as the metallic stench wafted over his sensitive nose.

That said, you miss several potential comic misadventures associated with his condition(s), focussing instead on an allegorical 'beware of Greeks bearing gifts' type cautionary tone rather than comedy, leaning more towards tragic irony.

You could, for example, have demonstrated some 'comic' side effects of lurching around as a zombie for a couple of days before meeting up with Gandolph again, twist the dialogue (Gandolph 'translating' zombie groans and gargles), and so on.

As you may have surmised, for me this doesn't quite hit the mark as a comedy - although it's an interesting premise with clear potential.


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16
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

Whispers of the End offers a philosophical contemplation on the meaning of death - something that we all grapple with at some point in our lives - whether it's simply 'the end', or merely the beginning of something new?

Throughout, you balance solemnity with consolation, offering comfort to grieving readers without diminishing their sense of loss.

Technically, you maintain a consistent AABB couplet structure with a very 'hymn-like' cadence to the lines, and make good uses of natural cyclical metaphors (autumn's leaves, winds, dawn to dusk) to reinforce and ground the cyclical nature of life itself.

The tone progresses - echoing the 'stages of grief' (not that grief is so neatly categorised) - from observation to reflection, and subsequent acceptance.

That said, some lines felt a somewhat overwrought (e.g. fervent zeal) and, possibly intentionally - reflecting emotional effect?, the meter is a touch inconsistent and might benefit from tightening to reinforce the meditative tone.

e.g. The opening couplet:

In stillness of the night, when shadows fall,
Death whispers low, a soft and somber call.

In stillness of night, when shadows fall,
Death whispers low, a soft, sombre call. (Is this just UK vs US spelling, or a typo?)

A small change to enhance the iambic flow while preserving the original solemn tone.

e.g. Third stanza:

Eyes once ablaze with life’s bright flame,
Now close in peace, extinguished claim.

Eyes once ablaze, full of life's dying flame,
Now closed in peace, an extinguished claim.

Suggested 'dying' to echo the central theme - after all, we're dying as soon as we're born.

Suggested 'close' *Right* 'closed' to match tense of 'extinguished' for consistency.

Whilst far from thematically novel, I quite liked this piece - its power laying in it's execution. The meditative tone, lyrical structure, and emotional sincerity make it a moving tribute to mortality and love. With a few refinements, it could become even more impactful.


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17
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

Overall, your article's passionate theology shines through, but tightening grammar, spelling, structure, tense consistency, and logical flow would elevate it from raw draft to compelling read. With edits, it could inspire deeper reflection on faith amid modern pessimism.

Rating: 6/10 – Strong ideas, weak polish.

***


Some specific examples thereof include:

Phrasing often feels awkward or imprecise.

"on the level with the angels of God" *Right* "on the level of God's angels."

"Now, it seems to be our choice whether to live life as it comes or do we seeks to find the ways of God." *Right* Now, it seems to be our choice whether to live life as it comes, or TO ATTEMPT to find the ways of God. (attempt is synonymous with try, seek is not)

Tense and subject inconsistency sometimes jars too: "The Sages of old think the world we now live in is a product..." *Right* "thought the world they lived in was a product..."

Mechanical errors and structural issues undermine the article's impact.

There are a few pieces of missing punctuation, for example - including in the title (phrased as a question, requires a question mark) and towards the end "However," (comma required)

Grammatically, the opening sentence is incomplete: "Since man became self aware and is now able to imagine future Earth." *Right* 'Since' requires a 'then/than' *Right* Since man became self-aware, and able to imagine the future, he has wondered about...

There's the odd spelling slip, such as "somethng" (should be "something")

Lists like "roaches, scorpions, and the ants" could clarify to "cockroaches, scorpions, and ants" (dropping the unnecessary "the" and using the standard term).

Further examples include erroneous capitalisation ("Spiritual angelic being" should be "spiritual angelic being")

***


A deeper issue, for me, is an apparent self-contradiction in the "changels" scenario: If these transcendent beings inhabit the world, they are part of its "natural population" (albeit spiritualised), so claiming "there be no need for a natural population and the world can be given over to the animal kingdom" (when, additionally, the animal kingdom is already a part of, and would remain part of same) undercuts the logic. This muddles the otherwise vivid dichotomy between earthly Paradise and heavenly ascension.


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18
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Review of A Pi For a Pie  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

I took a slice of your pie to help you celebrate! 17 lines of pi describing a pie.

Your words reflect what appears to be a genuine love of pie - apple of course - with their playful, enthusiastic tone.

The friendly, relatable voice engages readers (American or not - pie is universal) though, obviously, much of you imagery and references are traditionally US centric - which may not be universally recognised.

A bit clunky in places, but given the competition and self-imposed constraints (line word count), the structure is ok - you make some good use of enjambment and assonance, though the stand out line for me was the penultimate one, with its rhythm and internal rhyming.

Overall, a decent entry... did it win?


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19
19
Review of The Moon  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

In a few places, your article about the moon felt a little strange - creative non-fiction (essay-ish), I suppose, rather than a purely factual / scientific article. But that's a purely subjective assessment.

It was good to see citations/references which, I assume, support your various assertions - though slight rephrasing / in-text annotations would have been useful to see what came from where (and reduce plagiarism).

i.e. The paragraph starting: Georges Méliès takes this revelation to heart in his satirical production of... which paraphrases several elements of the linked review ▶︎.

Could, instead, commence along these lines: As Travers (2015) notes, Méliès 1902 production of Le Voyage dans la Lune... before adding your own thoughts, etc.

Overall, there's a good range of historic, mythological, scientific & pseudo-scientific material - each element of which does 'feel' generally well expressed, even if it doesn't seem to coalesce into a coherent whole. But;

There are a few places where improved precision would aid clarity of meaning:

e.g. Regarding chronology & stone age lunar recording: Saying “this era occurred over 2.5 million years ago” then tying that directly to recorded lunar observations makes it sound like people 2.5 million years ago were already tracking the Moon.

Whilst not 'incorrect', evidence for symbolic lunar tracking is 'only' tens of thousands of years old, while the stone age spans that entire 2.5‑million‑year period. As written, you lose that distinction.


And some where I struggled to discern what you were trying to say entirely:

e.g. The paragraph beginning "NASA’s latest moon exploration called Artemis I resembles the dawning of a new age..."

This discussion of Artemis I and testing risks oversimplifying complex biomedical and institutional decisions for the sake of rhetoric.

While it took a few reads (I blame old eyes), Yes, radiation tests on mannequins did focus specifically on sexed anatomy (as females are more radiation sensitive) and 'ignored' skin colour. But why would they examine this when it has little or no significance to mission efficacy? (everyone wears spacesuits, doesn't go outside during solar flares, and so on.) This commentary on race is more socio-political than actually consequential from the mission standpoint.

All that said, the prose is good (if a little too flowery for me personally), and is based on an eclectic selection of source material. Points were only docked for occasional 'fuzziness' and spots where rhetoric outpaces precision.


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20
20
Review of And to Think  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

Thanks for sharing - I very much liked several sections of your poem where the rhythm echoes that of 'pounding feet':

The opening questions, for example, have steady double stresses, not unlike left/right steps; the short lines with the pounding rhythm of an ongoing run (running/gunning)... and so on.

But in other areas (at least as I read it), well - failure is too strong a word, but the rhythm seems to 'hiccough'...

Take, for example, the 'heart line':

Feel-ing my heart | POUND out its | fa-MIL-i-ar RHY-thm
(da-DUM da-DUM | DUM da | da-DUM da | da-DUM) – heartbeat/footfall thuds.

Could be reworked to keep the heartbeat going (rather than reading like a heart attack in progress ;)) - could also accelerate to match increasing pulse as running...

FEEL-ing MY heart | RHYTH-mic'ly BEAT-ing | POUND-ing, SOUND-ing, FAM-i-LI-ar
(DUM-da DUM-da | DUM-da DUM-da | DUM-da DUM-da DUM-da-DUM-da)

Which maintains the pulse, layering sensory beats to mimic a heart/foot tandem in mid-run excitement / energy.

But that's only a minor 'niggle'.

Whereas, whilst the 'Buts' and ellipses - for example - (But still… / But even so… / I won’t stop…) introduce pauses effectively echoing laboured breathing some might argue they also slow the momentum too much... maybe a compromise and compress into something 'snappier'?

Original: Should I stop thinking so much? / Probably. 
But also… / But still… / But even so… / I won’t stop… / Running for that corner,

*Right* Should I stop thinking so much? / Probably. But/ But still… even so… / I won’t stop… / Running for that corner,

NB - Just one random guy on the internet's opinion & suggestions - take them, toss them but keep on writing :)


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21
21
Review of My Passy  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!


This ode to a 'passy',
Or dummy, to me,
Was big, bold & brassy,
A pleasure to read.

The rhythm was banging,
Like a track in my head,
Painted a picture,
Of stories unsaid.

Of a parent's frustration,
And a child's loud refrain,
Using vivid narration,
Grants the score that you gained.

Okay, enough rhyming :p - overall, a very enjoyable read, and quite relatable to those of us of a certain age.


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22
22
Review of Phoebus  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

Regarding poems and epic myth,
A review to post, I can't resist,
Some rhymes feel forced, the tone's too light,
And metre's clunky, it's not quite right.

And though I'm trying, to be not a bore,
On some details, I'm not quite sure,
If Apollo wears Phoebus' mask,
Who's "Orian"? I have to ask.

An unknown man, newly named?
Or our Orion, the hunter famed?
The man Ourania hungered for,
Who Apollo smote, well, in certain lore.

Yeah the story's old, and rather sad,
But overall, this ain't too bad,
On the scale of one to five,
I'll give a score of...

(And I'll give up on the rhyming reviews for now!)


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23
23
Review of Trouble of Acting  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!


This is a very short piece that reads more like a personal reflection and/or character introduction than chapter of a longer work which omits the "Soon you find happiness with acting and friends." element of the introduction.

Whilst it reads as genuine teenaged angst there are a couple of small issues herein:

-a instead of an for an object whose name starts with a vowel (mom is a ass --> an ass)

-mixed up homophones, maybe thanks to auto'correct', we're instead of where.

Overall it's an interesting start to something, but not quite yet something in and of itself.


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24
24
Review of THE DARE  
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Anniversary Reviews Group  
Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (2.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

Who can resist a dare?

Thanks for sharing your story. Whilst not a comment on the writing itself, my very first thought was that the piece was not presented in its best possible light.

There are a number of line breaks missing, between paragraphs and within dialogue for example. There are also a number of repeated errors throughout: Predominantly failing to start a new sentence with a capital letter, and missing punctuation

For example:

"Fine" said Freddy "Just not too hard". *Right* "Fine," said Freddy. "Just not too hard."

"before Freddy could say anything else Max lifted his hand up high in the air, and brought it down hard on his exposed bottom, Freddy yelped, it stung really bad.
"ow, that hurt" Freddy whined." *Down*

Before Freddy could say anything else, Max lifted his hand high in the air and brought it down hard on his friend's exposed bottom.

"Ow!" Freddy yelped. "That hurt!"

Rephrasing along these lines starts each sentence with a capital; Separates clauses, and avoids a run-on sentence; Clarifies the recipient of the slap; And removes redundancy (relying more on 'show' than 'tell').

***


And with that out of the way... On to the story itself:

It's been quite a few years since I was a twelve year old boy (generally, low numbers should be spelt out in narrative), but this reads as the sort of adolescent experimentation that many a youngster gets up to. Further, people do enjoy such activities so I find the premise to be, if not completely, then mostly believable.

The dialogue 'feels' mostly believable though it begins to stretch credulity when the protagonist so clearly and succinctly expresses a reaction what would, doubtless, be a confusing blend of emotions and sensations. ("Yeah, I like the sting," Freddy declared".

The pacing could be improved for maximum impact, and use more 'show' and less 'tell'

e.g. space out the spanking scene itself, show how both characters are reacting emotionally and physically.

Whilst Freddy may have found the experience enjoyable - show how your characters react, let the reader infer their emotions, etc. Related thereto, explaining this is a story about... becomes completely unnecessary.

Overall? Not my cup of tea, but the basis upon which a good story could be built.


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25
25
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E ★★★★★ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi & Happy Account Anniversary!

I chose this article for its potential interest as a retired British school teacher - and wasn't disappointed.

I'm assuming the dates, etc. are accurate - it's been a long time since I examined the history of the Education Acts, for example, but everything is chiming with my memories thereof.

As to the writing itself, everything looks good. The essay is well laid out, follows a logical sequence, didn't have any obvious errors (or at least I didn't spot any) and circled nicely back to Mandela's quote asking relevant questions to provoke thought. And it's always good to see references in use!

And, for what it's worth, I agree with your conclusion vis the equivalence of historic child labour and contemporaneous incidence.

All that said, there were a few places I felt you could consider slight rephrasing / tightening.

e.g. For clarity: "According to the Joseph Roundtree Foundation, child poverty currently stands at 29%..." Absolute or relative? Neither is good, but one is definitely worse than the other?

e.g. "The UK is the third highest country to have children trafficked from it across the world" *Right* The UK has the third highest incidence of recorded child trafficking... (More precise, and leaves room for underreporting caveats.)

e.g. The link from "It is a sad reflection..." to "So, we should celebrate..." doesn't quite flow for me.

You assert that a percentage of children are exploited or live in terrible conditions and then, effectively, question your own assertion (even if rhetorically).

You might consider replacing the 'So, we should celebrate..." paragraph with something along these lines instead: We should celebrate how we now educate our children, but what have we done to reduce exploitation? Have we even abolished child labour?

Obviously not. Children are allowed to, and often do work around school but this does not tell the whole story.

(Then continue into the existing young carers paras.)

Which ties together your earlier points regarding changes to education & ongoing exploitation.

Side note: Regarding "So even as recently as the nineteen forties..." I believe my father, born in forty one, left school at fourteen or fifteen, so you can add at least a decade thereto!

Anyhow, solid article, well argued and provokes real reflection.


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