i'm sorry but it just did not touch me. the writing seems flat. i knew the end before i got to it. no action. no feelings. You might get some action like the patient scream, or running out the door. even better yet, a bit of memories of mom. did mom send him away. was he a pilot. is this an only child? how about some blood and guts on the bathroom. has the mom been to see this counselor before.
Interesting. Different from anything I have ever read. Please continue to write. I felt a void of something as i read. What, i don't know. There was no rythym or ryme, just anotations of tyme and myme. If that how you write when down and lost, i pray you will never be up or found. figuratively speaking of course.
WONDERFUL. I miss the money i have invested in contests. Yours is by far better than any of my ideas on the matter. Mine tend to be much less nice and sometimes border on the hateful, spiteful, and crude. Thank you for many a laugh and i pray more awards will be coming your way.
Great point, but is it a valid story. Beginning, middle, and end. Not sure its a story. great choice of words in your analogies and metaphors. I would think you could do this longer and make a great surprise ending type story. man at his shrink's office, etc.
I can see this illustrated as children's story. Well done. Voice is a bit stilted due to keeping the words simple. If it were my story I would show the romp in the forest with the dog early in the narrative so the rescue is smoother. Also, moose don't have hands to pick up dogs so I think a word or two concerning using his mouth would be appropriate. Great story.
Good start. Keep going. I would argue the premis of manhood stealing innocence. Real men never loose their innocence, they just gain integrity and character. Keep your idea going and convince me otherwise. Need writing and pay attention in math. You will make more money with math than with poetry.
As a premis this is great. I am assuming this is a piece of a larger story as stated. I do find reference to mexicans as aliens to be out of date for this future fiction, but the way our government is not dealing with this issue it is plausible. Loved the interaction between priest and being. More info on the weapons will be needed. Somemore world building will help. Would love to read the story in its entirety. Thanks for sharing.
Random, truly random. I fear I missed something in the reading to come to a sense of message or conclusion. Great word pics and old man dialog ( sounded like my grandpa). I could read the novel to follow this opening very easily. It asked me a lot of questions it didn't answer.
This story didn't grab me. It was more of a scene in a B grade shamus movie. The ending fell flat on my ears because it was predictable from the beginning. It is very short and difficult to challenge a reader in so few words, but by judicious editing the piece could be made more concise, compact, eventful. the conversation sounds stilted like two fifth graders one of which is bribing the other with "I won't tell if". try having this conversation with someone and recording it. Let them know the beginning and the end, include the setting and allow the other person to improvise while recording. Look at some of your word pictures. How does a look retreat? What's with notepad statement? it seems superfluous. Do adults use the word naughty? The two long paragraphs, one on what to do, and the other of memories were good. Just an option, Try taking words like maybe and make the statements in the Andrew's spiel more definite like, "One day the cops will come. You'll squeal to the cops." KEEP WRITING, YOU ARE GETTING THERE.
Great narrative, short on description. I tensed through the entire piece. Somehow I felt I was the chubby kid whose birthday it was. What a birthday present for this kid! The meager description of the un house allowed me to picture my favorite fun house that had come to town when I was a kid of 13, not 16. So, thanks for the memories and keep writing.
This is pretty good flash writing, but way too much description and too strained an attempt at a surprise ending. I ended it with the question, "Why?" Why did the god not respond to the people, supposedly his people and why did people allow themselves to worship and request of a god that was doing nothing for them. All in all, mid range effort gets a mid range review. The paragraph where the manhood dangles offers nothing to the story. I did like much of the scene setting description and would have given it high praise in a short story or even longer. But, hey, I am only one person. I'll wager the next likes the whole thing. KEEP WRITING. You cannot please all the people all the time.
Loved it. Great taking of the mundane of today and making it the headlines of tomorrow. Really don't think this writer was too far off on the possibilities of our modern tech world. Much of it reminds me of other stories on the end of the civilization/world due to tech/disease/war. This could well be expanded into a book. Many opportunities for more conflict and action for the male audience and those not so up to date on the tech. Blessings.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/doug10
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 2:27pm on Dec 04, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
