I love this piece! It describes me so perfectly and I completely understand where you are coming from. Someone at a party sits next to me, says hi, and in a few minutes leaves because I have no idea what to say other than hi back. Get me in a group, where I know at least a few of them, with a lively conversation going but no pressure to speak and soon I'll be jumping in and sharing my thoughts. If I know no one or know them only a little I can sit for hours and not say a thing. So this piece speaks strongly to me. Well Written!!
Once again… I'm going to review on grammar and content, but not for format. I haven’t the slightest idea what an official form would look like, so will not even attempt to review that. I hope that my humble suggestions and corrections will be of help.
I concede here, he may be right. – semi-colon not comma
like Goldman I sense another motive. – comma after Goldman
Again, you’ve created a beautiful poem so full of meaning that one can read and reread and still find something new to see each time.
The narrative is well written and sounds professional and objective, much as one would expect in an actual report from such a professional.
This work has done an marvelous job of explaining the poem while still leaving much for the reader to discover for themselves.
You are truly a talented writer. As I read your work, it becomes harder and harder to remember that this is fictional. The intensity of your writing makes it difficult, if not impossible, to not become submerged in the feelings and experiences of Lisa Lansing.
There is a passion to your writing that won’t allow the reader to look away or remain complacent. I strongly urge you to continue your work with Lisa’s story. It does make a difference – not only in the reader and their world – but also in the world at large.
Excellen poetry and it fits in so well with your Lisa Lansing Series. This poem is so provoking and mysterious. It makes the reader think and wonder, and encourages them to read on and search harder for the clues to what became of Lisa.
I know a writer who writes in this style. It's been a while since we've talked but I enjoyed working with her. It's good to read another writer with this style. I have few suggestions, and will keep in mind the type of poem this is.
Great opening verse. Very strong and concise.
In the second verse, I would move "they're" to the second line. In poetry, especially spoken poetry, the words that belong together, should be on the same line. You probably don't intend a pause at the end of the first line, but most readers will pause and then be lost. This is another powerful verse and I like how you ended it with just "you".
In the third verse, second line, I would suggest an N-dash between words and no spaces: smells-sights-taste-sound. It will give it the flavor of one word without jarring the reader with lack of punctuation. You could use commas, but that would draw the line out, and I get the impression this is a quick, breathless, rant of words. Also, the first two are plural, so should the last two be - or none.
Verse four, line six - for or far? Far would have more impact I believe.
Verse six, line two - you could use the N-dash here too for more impact. "not these false-fake-sculpted trees, bushes"
Verse eleven, line eight - move would to the next line. The last two lines beginning with the same word - would - will add to the impact.
Verse 13, line three - N-dash - a lover-a friend-a parent.
"but how long will the quaint cute " -- comma after quaint.
A very forceful and powerful poem you have here.
You may get comments on a few other things, but stick to your style and type of writing. There is a market for this kind of work. Shameka found it and so will you.
Dreamer
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Creator/Instructor of:
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Contrary to what many new writers believe, a comma at the end of a line of poetry is not necessary. In prose commas indicate pause or separate thought fragment. In poetry the line break indicates a pause. If you need the break but want to indicate that it should be connected to the next line a dash would work better. For example:
I'm not a wizard -
How could I be?
A Harry Potter fan myself, I enjoyed your poem. Your poem is simple, yet reveals so much of Harry himself. The form is good and the flow is clean. At the beginning, you have a pattern of two lines - a statement then question or denial. Each is a separate thought and should end in a period or question mark. The last four lines the pattern changes - instead of statement/question-denial you have question question statement statement. These last four lines would work better in a separate verse or stanza. Those lines sum up everything he is saying and would have more impact if set apart. Also, a dash would work well on the second to last line.
I'm just and orphan -
I'm just Harry.
This is a wonderful poem and with a little work on punctuation and format will be and excellent poem! I see much potential here.
Lastly, please remember - even after it's posted you can still go back and edit it at anytime. As reviews come in and you work on the piece, you should notice your reviews and ratings going up. If at anytime you need help with navagating or using the tools at WDC let me know and I will do what I can to help point you in the right direction.
Dreamer
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Creator/Instructor of:
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Flow / Style:
The flow is a bit choppy and there does not seem to be a style or form to this poem.
Punctuation & Grammar:
Even though this is a poem, if you are going to use grammar and punctuation as you would in prose, the same rules apply. There are some lines beginning with a capital letter, yet are not the beginning of a sentence. Also some of the sentences appear to be fragments and others run-ons.
Suggestions:
You have an excellent message in this poem. Clean up the grammar and punctuation and break it into verses and you will have powerful voice for the victims of war.
You have some beautiful imagery in this poem. It reads like cotton candy and leaves the reader feeling like a satin sheet hanging in the sun. Well done!!
WOW!!! The title says it all. Talk about a twist, this story slithers around and about like a snake on a hunt. Started reading and soon thought - ok, I know where this is going - only to keep reading and get blown out of the water.
An excellent story to keep readers on their toes. Throurghly enjoyed!
Very nicely done. The rhymes are well done (except for one stanza) and don't feel forced at all. The imagery is clear and easy to see in the minds eye. I sense parallels between the ocean and he who walks at her side. Keep up the good work!
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