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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem. It speaks volumes in little space. You hold to the form which you selected. English is such a wonderful tool, isn't it. There are many ways to say the same thing so It is realitively easy to rhyme if you are willing to use the wealth of tools which modern writers have available.

I like the picture which you selected to accompany this piece.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC. You have a good vocabulary which you use fairly well. A rule of thumb is to write about things that you know. Some things such as a sudden change of dimension are beyond the experience of most of us. Having a good number of years working around super strong magnetic fields, and with voltages up to 5 million, give me a fair frame of reference, well beyond most people.

You can always fall back on author's license. But your description "nto the socket and electricity roared though his immature system. The force of the current sent the boy sprawling in an unconscious, static haired heap" The voltage necessary to make his hair bush out with static would be hundreds if not thousands of times of the voltage in a common wall socket which in the US is 120 volts, and 220 volts in Europe. Neither would cause the hair bushing out that you describe.

A shock from a wall socket would cause a slight tingle at the most. Possible to toss a wet baby across the room. The amount of energy necessary to cause a dimensional shift would require much more energy than would be available to the whole house.

I remember investigating a very unusual circumstance about fifteen years ago. A SHV powerline broke and fell down onto the lead running into several houses. SHV is usually 1.2 million or above. That would be one way to get the power a dimensional shift would require. It would also make the hair bush out. As long as your characters do not get between a hot conductor and ground they could survive.

Now your opening is very weak. I would lose the first paragraph completely. You could add a little about the strength of Gareth's motivations in your second paragraph.

As is I would advise a very careful rewrite. You may or may not want to address the voltage issues, As is it is not sound according to the laws of physics.

This piece can easily be improved with a little attention to detail, and perhaps a quick visit to a library. I will check back later and if your efforts warrant I will raise my rating.

Keep writing, just remember someone in your audience may just catch anything you write about with a lack of knowledge. As incentive to continue and improve what you have I am sending you 500 points.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Neva,

Snow is falling like a storm of curly feathers tumbling down, it helps muffle the sound of the city across the river. I would love to go out into it, but am confined to my room in the process of healing. This morning I have about 85% use of my right hand and 50% use of my left. Much better than my original attempts to review a couple pieces of interest. Amazing how crippling blown IVs can be. Moarzjasac is back.

The reason I really wanted to review this piece is that I have had bucket lists on my mind since my cancer diagnosis. Today finds me in a different place. I have no need to make bucket lists I know they got all the cancer when they took out my kidney, and the cardiac incident in recovery seems well managed by meds.

I had time to really look through your port. I would say that you have a grasp of the forms and types of poetry way beyond my level, Yet this piece reveals although you're inspired and the depth and breadth of your thoughts are amazing, there is a few mechanical things about use of language I think pointing out would help you improve.

I would fuss at you a little, because you have written so many perfect things, yet these little errors slipped by you. I won't though, "people who live in glass houses should never throw stones."

I think it all goes back to our Roots, The elementary schools we attended, and the teachers we had growing up. Sometimes we let the lessons we did not learn to their fullest creep out and change an utterly magnificent piece into something less.

This in no way lowers the esteem this reviewer holds for you. I'm sure much less practiced poets could find my share of things I left out of proper place, and improperly expressed. My age, 71, nor my recent illness do not exxcuse me for not being dilligemt.

Finally I will open your poem and point out a few little things that I see which prevent this from being a PERFECT example of just what a short poem should be. One tough thing with short pieces is every letter, every punctuation mark, and every word have a larger impact of the whole.

Before my weary body rest(s) this makes the verb singular to agree with body
Under plants in a garden of stone
Content to decompose
Knowing its atoms return to the ( try changing this line to: Its atoms returning to the earth) That gives you a smooth transition and eliminates the question (does a decomposing body still know?

Earth, I want to do five things. (I am exposing my back here) this line could be changed to: Five Adventures remain to fulfill my life # new line (Making my life complete)
To have five adventures before I die. If you use suggested change then this line would be redundant.

(A)Long ride in a hot air balloon,
I want to visit Mount Carmel in Israel, (A visit to Mount Carmel in Israel)
Sleep in a Bed and Breakfast, (A night in a Bed and Breakfast)
To find and visit my father's grave,
See the Baha'i temple in India.


Thoughts on Bucket Lists


Each time I read my bucket list,
I cry
because
Mom(s) bucket list possessive case
and my Grandmother('s), too.
(Were left incomplete)
(when death intervened)
Both died before completing (died could be changed to Left this earth
and their souls(Now their souls repose in paradise)
repose in paradise;
I hope and pray
that they
will complete them there.


I hope these ideas give you something with which to work, I have no doubt that you have the ability to make this piece PERFECT!

I hope I have not overstepped by bounds as I do not have the experience here that you have. Know i LOVE the way that your mind works!

Know this too, I appreciate all that you do to make WDC a more valuable experience for us all. Thank you


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The longer I am on WDC the more amazed I am at the fact that other people think about a lot of the things that I do. I find that reassuring LOL.

I find the subject, a bubble is the same thing that I once used for an example of the transitory nature of all things in the universe.
 Bubbles  (E)
Looking at Bubbles through three year old eyes of my Grandaughter.
#1733421 by Moarzjasac


Children are so delightful, the way they see things brings joy to my 71 year old heart. I have been fortunate enough to share many of the visions of my beloved granddaughter who just turned 5. I am fast becoming aware that this is the winter of my life. Day after tomorrow I am having Cancer Surgery.

Drs tell me the prognosis is very good. That does not change the fact that I am over the hump sliding rapidly down the steep downhill side.

So I have resolved whenever possible, to celebrate the good things in life, and to encourage more of the same.

I did find one error, this sentence (The bubble was large on average.) The bubble was larger than average?

When writing, especially short pieces, each word, punctuation mark, and sentence take on larger porportions than in longer pieces.

Extreme care to avoid colloquialisms such as (on accident) better as by accident, and on average to describe one bubble by itself, raises the level of communication of your pieces.

I am sometimes lax about properly editing my things. There are many errors that I make which I really want people to point out. That is good incentive to avoid repeating them over and over.

Another little glitch is: "Max was so good. A wonderful creation." if you change the period after good to a semicolon it is proper english. A wonderful creation is not a complete sentence, but can be attched to the previous one as description.

I do not mean to do anything except to encourage you to take your wonderful writing to the level that it deserves. I am including 800 gps as incentive to remember that everything you write deserves your very best. If you keep doing that, your writing will improve rapidly. I wish you the most success in your writing.


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Review of SAW  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
i selected this piece to review from the "read a newbie" column.

Welcome to WDC. You will find that this can be a very good experience. There are literally hundreds of willing authors who are available to offer assistance when you need it.

This is a well written piece. Has a good hook that draws the reader into the authors mind. I could find few places where I could suggest even minor improvements.

There are a couple minor questions concerning punctuation. "I-nevermind," ?? there might be a little better way to insert the hesitation after I and before the dismissing nevermind.

This is an excellent piece, way above what I normally expect from "NEWBIE" All of us here had that status when first we came here.

I expect great things from you, my young friend. I sincerely hope your experiences here are rewarding to you and to others.


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Review of Who Is The One?  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC.

I have not been here forever, but I have been writing for over 65years. I am 71. I wish I could give you something which would motivate you to write a poem about Sunshine and Flowers the laughter of little children and the barking of a faithful dog. Unfortunately that is not in my power to give.

I have been where you are at the moment. Your poem struck a resonant chord with me. I have stood alone in a long hallway encountering a long string of doors that seemed locked to me. I have looked through dingy drought irty windows an wondered why the world seemed so distorted.

I am going to Quote a famous American who died from an assassin's bullet. He was a man of deep feelings and someone who in that day and time was described as "being given to periods of Melencholy." In times of extreme stress and overpowering responsibility in a situation where there was no easy answer he said, "Most people are as happy as they make up their mind to be."

He wrote and put many of his feelings, on paper. It was a good way for him to put down the load that circumstance made him carry. He took long walks and threw a stick for his little dog. He found himself amazed that the dog brought the stick back time after time wagging his tail.

I think that is a good thing to emulate. Take yourself outside weather permitting, walk breathe in the lifegiving air and bask in the sunshine.

I sometimes have a little thing I do when the world looks bleak. I take a notebook go to the park and try to describe nature as it unfolds around me.

It is very theraputic, things seem to be much more ordered in my mind. Usually the first little bit is stilted, uncomfortable work, but in a short time that morphs into dew drops that glisten like gemstones.

Please review this piece. This was written as i emerged from the well of misery and emerged into the real world again.
 
STATIC
Moon Flowers   (E)
You love them when you meet, even though inside you know what lies are told by the night,
#1890596 by Moarzjasac


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Review of Saved  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC. Now that you are here I would like to assure that while some will more less violently oppose your message, others like me know exactly what brought this poem into existance. You are not alone in your contempt of churches organized solely for the purpose of making money.

I am 71 years and four days old. I have seen much horror and more dispicable things done in the name of God than most people could imagine. Age and travels both domestic and abroad as a electrical field engineer have allowed me the educational experience to see many life changing things with my own eyes. If you are in the mood to humor an old man who is counting the hours till cancer surgery I would appreciate your time, more than you might realize.

I would suppose that you can imagine that I have retraced many paths which I have walked, I have visitors late at night while I am waiting for the gray fingers of dawn to creep over the mountain to the east. Some are asking me to tell their stories. Some are good people and some not so good. During my time on far flung construction sites I have gathered a lot of fragments of life experienced by a wide variety of people.

I am comfortable in the knowledge that what will be will be, we all are more less spectators, but we do have the option of extending a hand to pick others up when they have stumbled, or ran their bicycle into the bushes. The only thing I can know for absolute sure is that it does no harm to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.

 Hong Kong long ago  (18+)
The voice inside, or the voice outside. Which we listen to is our choice alone.
#1908532 by Moarzjasac
It is longer than some but I hope I did a good job of passing on a lesson I learned. Feel free to review these. It may tell you about me.
"The Nature of God"  "Is Christian a verb?" 


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Review of Broken Angel  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I read this piece over and over. Rather than attempt to point out specific places that this poem could be improved I will attempt to pass along some tools which can be used effectively on all poems.

When I was about your age, I had the wonderful experience of having a teacher who loved poetry and passed that on to any of her students that were willing to listen. I am 71 years and two days old. I sincerely hope that I can give you some of what has served me well all these years.

She was most of the most educated people among my highschool teachers. She taught High School rather than take a position in acadamia, because she looked at an appreciation of poetry as a gift that young people could use to ease their way through the years of changing into adults.

"Poetry," she said, "is the language of the soul." I can still hear her voice echoing in the hallways of my memory. In her class we read a wide variety of poems. We studied Classical poems, old English Beoulf, Canterberry Tales, Edgar Alan Poe, Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky" and a wide variety of classics as well as contemporary poets like Robert Frost and others. (Remember this was a long time ago)

I read what you wrote about yourself. " My style is both unique and original. What I mean by this is I use words everyone can understand due to my lack of vocabulary *****

Engliish is a rich language. One who refuses to improve their vocabulary limits themself. It is like being at a Smorgasborg (a table set with many delightful foods) and limiting yourself to dry bread, no butter, no jam. That is a waste. Why let the best part of our language sit waiting for some one else?

You also limit your audience. If you write in the language of elementary school you are very limited in what messages you can give your reader.

I guess it depends on what you want from writing. If you write only to entertain yourself you miss the joy of real communication.

It is easy to improve your vocabulary, read others work, use a dictionary to define words that you do not understand. Each time you do that, HEY you own a new word. Let your English grow. Do not plant it in a field of rocks where it will be stunted and bring forth no harvest.


Enjoy writing, but never settle for less than your best at the moment. As you practice your craft you will find your best keeps getting better.
Have a long and prolific life.

My rating reflects that this poem is not bad, but I know you can do much better.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
but whose counting.. Whose sounds the same as who's but not the same. English is just full of little traps like that. sounds right but mean something else. Falling into traps like this expose the fact that you did not do a proper edit. Edits can be a pain but are very necessary to keep your reader where you want them.

An author has an unwritten contract which their readers, to open their souls when telling a story. You invite a reader to walk through your mind where this story lives. It is much the same as a realtor showing a house. You wouldn't expect a prospective buyer to peek through smudged windows at important rooms and then be satisfied with just a glimpse. Your job is to open the doors, invite them in and show them around. Sometimes a story is such that we can only let our readers look through the windows, it is much too painfull to invite anyone all the way inside, Then we have to settle for letting our readers look through our windows. In this case it is very important to make sure they are as clean as posssible so our readers can see just what we want them to see. Writing is about communicating, That is it's purpose.

It is always best to have a clear idea, what do I want to share with my reader? How much, or how little you share determines how your reader feels about the experience. When they finish, does your reader know just what you want him / her to know? Can they feel your story? Did you make them experience cold, hot, hard, soft, does the dust in the room make them sneeze? Those sensory clues put you reader right beside you in the middle of your story. Take them by the hand, make them experience your story. That is what separates a (so so) story from one that lives in your readers mind in the same form it lived in your mind.

You can look at editing as a drudgery, or you can embrace the opportunity to experience the story as a reader. That step outside yourself and looking back in is not easy. It is normal to be so caught up with the story in our mind, that we do not see what we have placed on screen or on the page. This is all your reader has to hold on to. Editing is looking through the eye of your reader. If you can do that you will grow rapidly from a word writer into a story writer.

You obviously have a lot more to show us floating around that wonderful mind of yours. Please take that little extra time to help us experience the same story as in your mind. Do not cheat us out of that wonderful experience.

Becoming a terrific writer is time consuming, some people have better vocabularies than others, more education, a better way of touching readers. No matter where you start, each story is an opportunity to grow. Reach as high as you can stretch, get the best sun ripened fruit way up in the tree, do not be satisfied with shadow grown fruit, The sweetest grow as close to the sun as they can get.

This comes with experience, practice, and being patient with yourself when you must do over a story so that you share as much of your self as you can bear. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is a joy, a breath of fresh air filled with the scent of blossoms or that electric quality of a gentle spray washed breeze that fills you with expectations just breathing it. Whatever you experience in your mind will become the shared experience of your reader, and you my friend, will find yourself on the Best Seller list, Touch your readers let them know you were there with them.

Keep writing daily. even if it is just a paragraph. Describe a tree, or a house, or a broken swing dangling by one worn rope from a tree. Make us feel the wind in our hair, make us hear the laughter of generations of children than swung from sky to sky. Make our hearts stir with the joy of almost touching the sky and then passing close to the earth and then flying high again. It is almost flying! Share it with us.

I hope that this review is not too long or repetative, I can not sleep tonight. I am spending time with you, because spending time alone waiting till I have surgery is scarey. I have no hand to hold for reassurance, so I reach out to you. Hold mine that you may be assured the place you will earn in the minds of your readers. Enjoy your life, share it with others every day. Look ahead with expectations, Let your life be filled with wonder and joy.
Leave no story untold for you are a writer.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, packs a visceral punch. Execution is excellent. Visualizations are poignant.

I would like to offer you some comfort. I really believe that it will be OK. I was having a bad night, one of those pain filled things where you float between wakefulness and just deeply enough asleep to give shape and substance to thoughts and worries I had not managed to burry. I had several very frightening incidents of dreaming? that my 5 year old grandaughter was choking. I went to her room to check on her, She roused and said "Pa, I want to hold you." She gave me a big hug then she said," The angel said it would be ok." I do not know how she knew that I was afraid, but her words and innocent hug and a kiss chased away the uneasy restlessness.

Since my diagnosis, I have had moments of doubt, but for the most part I am comfort that God is not punishing me, and that no matter when the end comes it will be ok.


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Review of The Heart Key  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The software in the text blocks takes a little getting used to here. When you edit, make sure that you space your paragraphs in a way that enhances the readability of your piece. I always space as I write and then make sure I do NOT check the automatic paragraph spacing.

I noticed you left the end word dangling without punctuation. I would have used a ? Was that unintentional?

This is an interesting piece, plucks at the strings which hold relationships together.

I think this is a worthwhile piece and deserves a little editing. There are no glaring faults but it could flow a little better. I had questions in a couple places. You did come thru with the answers later though. A little reordering of words and sentences might help.

I am sending you gps to encourage you to write.

Practice makes perfect you know. Keep polishing your craft. You will be glad you did.


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this poem. I really like Canterberry Tales too, even though the language usage is not what you see in most common usage in the USA today.

I find Beoulf a bit of a reach though.

A word of welcome. Enjoy your time at WDC. If I can be of any help. Let me know.

d


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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I feel so stupid. Your procedure to set the review has to be done from somewhere I can not reach from my screen. I would be much more active but I can not find a page that looks like what you describe. Many places at WDC have these instructions which could easily have been written in greek, I try but my software takes me into the land of Elsewhere. Easy becomes impossible.

The only My Account available to me is from the column on the left. It brings up a long drop down menu which takes me around in circles. There is no
acount settings and options availible just a column of stats... on ...and on. Nothing clickable and nothing that looks like what you describe.

I am 70, 71 in a week, I am living on borrowed time, and it is very frustrating to try to accomplish anything here. What obviously is so simple to those who know its secrets is like to see through a black screen to me. I love to review, I love to read other peoples views and see the world through other eyes. It would be nice to participate.

I am sooooo frustrated. I have no idea how to put pictures, or signatures on my reviews. So I guess no participation with credits for me.

Are there several sets of software for wdc? Do I need to upgrade? Sometimes I think I should quit trying, my skills seem to be a century out of date.

What do you recommend? I am lost in cyber space. If this information was usable to me I would rate this activity a 5. But the reality is I need hands on help that is unavailable to me. The way I feel now a 1 would be too high, then I realize the trouble is I. The cheese stands alone, again!


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Review of Poetic Meter  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I applaud your efforts, It is a valuable reference that you have provided so that even an 71 year old curmudgeon like myself can find answers to questions that constantly arise about the forms of poetry. It has been forty five (45) years since I last took a course that covered (if only in part) this useful information about poetic structures.

I must admit that rather than seeking out (ancient by today's standards) books on back shelves and dusty corners to find answers, I have for the most part relied on gut feel, and sound as my standard for measuring "the language of the soul," poetry. I have excused myself some what by referring to that old saying about old dogs and new tricks.

I sincerely thank you for putting this information in a coherent easily accessable form that negates digging out and dusting off the books I haven't removed from packing boxes for at least 20 (twenty) years.

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Review of A Live Trade  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: E | (1.5)
If this is supposed to be a story, BEEEP! Not a story. Perhaps an essay, or an article (NOT A STORY)

Things to think about anytime you write.

1. What is the message?

2. Who is your audience? General audiences require that you stay away from jargon. The more technical your piece the smaller the segment of the population who will understand. If you write for a small percentage of the general population then jargon is acceptable, but you should not be alaramed if someone says "WHAT." Jargon as used in this instance is "use specific language known to only a few."

2.a How would you expect a total layman average Joe to educate himself on your subject? I suspect you would recommend a book.

3. The use of numbers ie 1 percent; would be much more readable if you used (One percent) instead. There are two schools of thought on that. Certainly 3 is faster to read than three but it is easier to lose in a long string of data.

Now about the rating. It is obvious that you know what you are talking about, but I as the average Joe reader, find that if I want to understand I must do some home work. You must make me believe that it is worth my time to do the homework. You did not accomplish that, or even point how I might find the specific definitions of some of your jargon. Because I was a sonar operator FIFTY (50) years ago a pip to me is a little spike of noise on a scrreen.

I can infer that perhaps it is a transitory spike in a data stream? I suspect there is more to it than that.

English as you use it reveals that you may have a lot to do before you become a "Reviewer" with even a modicum of respect for your reviews.

I suspect that you are reasonably intelligent individual, and probably have earned respect from your peers. It is different in each arena, a bull fighter does not use the same tools as a broker in a bull pen. Neither is inherently good or bad, they are just different one uses a cape and sword and the other uses vision and hearing and balance. I suspect they could not effectively trade places with success.

I look forward to a possible dialog. I suspect there are things I could learn from you, and when it comes to reviewing I think you could learn from me.

Who knows?

Always remember to test for clarity.

A general word of encouragement.

If you lose the opening sentence and identify this piece for what it is it will eliminate a LOT of confusion,.

You certainly do not want your readers to be lost. by the second sentence.

Presentions of this sort lend themeslves well to separating thoughts into paragraphs. The only time you run it all together is in the white one line information ribbon that moves across the bottom of TV screens. An example might be a flight lounge where traveling investors can keep track of data which might have immediate effect upon their investments..

I would suggest looking at examples of what you intend to emulate. I speak of the presentation. Is it presented in a way that transfers the most usable information in the shortest time.

I think you might find an audience that would really be more accepting of your Economic Report. This style is very acceptable and worthwhile, but is limited to a small segment of the population.
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Review of Black Dog Waiting  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You establish an almost visceral impact upon your readers; perhaps more than that, in those who have had similiar experience with the black dog.

I find no fault with the message which you present. It takes a lot of courage to open the windows of your soul to casual passersby, once they peer in through weathered glass to the shadowed space where the massive hound waits, teeth showing in the smile of anticipation already tasting the fear and pain life will never be the same.

A general observation which I nearly always share with poets. Reading aloud, to another or having your pieces read aloud to you offers an opportunity to use more than the two dimentional (sight reading) silently pulled from screen or page. I rarely offer specific remedies to particular problems. I am all too aware of how easy it is to get lost in cadence, rhyme, and poetic license and suddenly find the message obfuscated by the facets of form.

It is a fine line we all walk. I will leave the fine tuning to you. You know what and how you want to tell your story.

You have room to improve this piece. It is not a cold chiseled piece of marble with unchangeable form I like your treatment of difficult aspects of life,
You transcend the negative and make us aware there is a possible positive outcome to a journey through the shadowed niches where hide the beasts of the night. A little time polishing will improve this piece.

d
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Review of Shot to Winter  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I have long been a fan of free form poems, and lyrics. Your piece is beautiful and touches on the process of life much like taking the pulse. The heart is still beating with strong thumps.

Long ago I took a class in English Literature. It opened a window through which I could see the world, not through dirty glass, but through clear clean air.

We studied a lot of poems. One thing I always will remember, "Poetry should flow smoothly like a snow fed stream over the smooth round rocks in its bed. It should leave a hint of taste as it rolls over the tongue, like tupelo honey lingers after a tiny taste." I learned a lot about sensory words, fluid and smooth that stroke the nerve endings of our souls when we read them. I still hear the voice of that TEACHER! She was one in a million.

While our message could hardly be improved, I think your presentation could be improved. Even a superflous single syllable can tip the scales. It is so easy to lose the flow. I found several places that could use a tiny change (my opinon) that would improve this piece a lot.

I will not point out specifics, because it is after all your piece, I can not hear the song in your mind. If you read, (sing) this I am sure you will notice
tiny bumps.

I know how easy it is to edit out something important and lose the message entirely. I have destroyed my share of my own work, I refuse to destroy anyone elses.

Please write frequently. even if the results are not each perfect, you will find a manageable curve with which you can improve.
I look forward to reading, and reviewing more of your efforts.
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Review of Rosy Girl  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Rosey Girl"

Verse:
You came from school with tears in your eyes.
I took you in my arms and wiped them all dry.
I asked what is my sweet girl crying about.
You pointed at your freckles then gave a pout.
Some classmates asked what are those spots?
That is all over your face like little brown dots. (change to [are] dots is plural

Chorus:
Little Rosey girl if they tease you again.
Remember those freckles are Godly sent.
For this reason you have those angel spots.
They come from the angel's as their kisses.

Verse:
You will become a lovely woman some day.
Your red hair will grow long with grace lay. (this line needs adaptation)
Those freckles will disappear and fade away.
Leaving just little freckles to grace your face.
A new glowing face you'll be thankful for.
Then you'll see you've been blessed before.
Bridge:
As you grow older Rosey girl you'll know.
Your inner beauty gives your face its glow.
Repeat Chorus:
Little Rosey girl if they tease you again.
Remember those freckles are Godly sent.
For this reason you have those angel spots
They come from the angel's as their kisses.

Lyrics: By: Kings

I have written a lot of lyrics, I like your message. I see some problems (very slight) in the way the words roll off the tongue as part of a larger message. I know from experience that each syllable takes on more importance in lyrics than in any other poetry form. They are after all meant to be sung. As such, as mentor once explained to me, each syllable should flow smoothly over the tongue like tupelo honey and leave a lingering taste upon your lips to be savored at leisure.
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  
Rated: E | (1.0)
I fear you have written so little there is nothing to review?? The purpose of all writing is to communicate. Since you have written in English presumably for an audience of English Speaking people you must obey English protocols. Believe me they are wide open. I liked Jabberwoky, I have a wide tolerance. It is the job of an author to give a reviewer something with which to work. If you want to start an interactive piece, there is a place to do that here; a general post is not the place. Ive no choice but to tell you, go back to the beginning. Have a plan, and start. All you have managed to do is allienate any one who might be a lot more help than you think.
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Review of The Feather  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your message is one that shows the depth of your soul. I really appreciate your opening the windows of your deepest soul to me and everyone here.

Poetry is the language of the soul, and even though your presentation is lacking polish the message is there. It deserves kudos,

Reviewing poetry is subjective. NO two reviewers will ever agree on exact intrepretations of a poem. it is part of the wonder of poetry that so many things can be revealed to so many with clarity and understanding with only a few words.

I would advise undertaking a program to increase your vocabulary. There are many ways to same the same thing in English, but each has its own subtle nuance and will be understood by different readers differently.

I sense talent in your writing. It is well worth the energy it takes to develop it to its fullest. Keep up the good work.

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Review of Love eternal  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Poetry, is sometimes referred to as "The Language of the Soul." Fifty years ago an English Lit Teaching assistant told us in a short lecture before we tried our hand at writing a poem; "Poetry should always be read aloud! It should roll smoothly over the tongue and linger like a taste of Tupelo Honey upon your lips to be savored slowly after the poem is read." She read us a poem she had just written about moving across the country to teach and get her PHD. It wasn't the nicest poem I ever heard, but it was definitely touching, It exposed trepidation, loneliness, and showed that she was not afraid to expose the recesses of her soul.

We all wrote and two days later we read each other's efforts outloud to the class. To that point I had always been uneasy speaking in front of a class.

The poem I read was a young girl's reflections on the loss of her little brother when his bike was run over by a car. She really exposed the depths of her soul, I thought, "If she can write something like this, I can read it aloud!." The room was still for long seconds, then burst into applause. There were no dry eyes in the room. Something changed for me that day, I understood at a visceral level something someone else had experienced, and been able to share it with others.

Poetry is unique in that every word is important! The shorter the poem the more important each word becomes. I suggest reading aloud, or having someone else read your work aloud. You will spot little things which can be improved that are easy to miss. Authors, and poets all suffer from a point of view that is too close to see the forest because of all the trees that partially block our view. It is easier to put distance between onself and the message when we use the sound of a voice, and subtle nuances which we miss just reading print; become easily discernable as contributions to our message, or something which detracts from that message.

You will encounter discussion on Poetic License and just what that means. The points of view are all valid yet come from long distances apart.

I want to encourage you to write frequently, Practice does help us improve. I am a great believer in availing myself to all the resources possible.

The best dictionary you can get, A good Thesaurus, A rhyming dictionary rounds out your collection. I also recommend starting a program to increase your vocabulary. Use the new treasures that you discover. English is magic in that there are fifty ways to say anything but each method has its own special nuance and shades of meaning.

I look forward to reading more of your work. The small gift of points is intended to encourage you to write, keep writing, and tell your messages to your readers in the most descriptive and meaningful language that you can muster.
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very worthwhile endeavor. I frequently give tokens to newbies especially if I spot that they are gifted and also if they need encouragement to improve. Instead of me gifting 10 people with 2500 points each, I would like to put 30000 in the bank. for this purpose.
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Review of Glass Wedding  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh MY! It is somewhat rare that the message is so poignant. Kudos are in order for the message here. Rare indeed is a message so clear.

Now I am going to ask you to think about presentation. Many years ago a teacher told me that poetry should flow smoothly over the tongue and leave a lingering taste on your palate. She used the example of Tupelo Honey. Now in this case the message is a mixture of bitter, sweet too. The bridegroom could bring a bit of sweetness which is necessary to maintain a certain balance.

I am going to stress that reading poetry aloud is the best way I know to begin the editing process. I usually print out what I am editing and take a red pencil to the paper. It helps me think.. Each writer develops their own way to edit as well as to write.

I am one who only rarely gives a 5 star rating because to me that signifies there is NO WAY a piece can be improved. While this piece is unusually good, mostly because of its message, I do think you can find some little things, perhaps the choice of a single word which would improve your presentation.

You really need to write more. If all of your writing packs such a punch, You have a fan!

I am sending you 1200 gps. This is my way of telling you BRAVO!
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Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Keep in mind, reviewing is a very subjective process. Each reviewer by merit of their experience will see different things in each piece. It does not mean anything derrogatory about a particular piece.

Recommendations include the following. Avail yourself all of the reference materials from your local library if you cant afford your own, I like the unabridged dictionaries, thesaurus and rhyming dictionaries. You do not have to rhyme because poetry is the language of the soul.

Since each of us is different so will our poetry be more or less understandable to those who read our work. Most of the time a poem does not blossom from the mind in finished condition. There are exceptions but it is my feeling they probably have been simmering a long time on the back burners of my mind.

Sometimes I think of a poem as a stew. It takes good ingredients (feelings, intuitions, and thoughts) to make a hearty blend. Word choice becomes the spice with which we flavor our individual messages. Undertake a program to enrich your vocabulary. The more words that are a part of you, the better able you will be able to give the messages of your soul to your readers.

I think you will find that time spent editing pays dividends. You will feel better about yourself and how you write, and your readers will be better able to understand your poems.

i encourage you to keep writing and keep putting new words into your vocabulary. There are at least fifty ways to say the same thing in our language, but each has its own nuance. Use nuance to your advantage to say exactly what you mean. It takes a lot of practice, but in the long run it is well worth the effort.

Read what you write aloud. You will find many little things that it is all too easy to miss just reading print. You may wish to have someone you trust read your poems aloud to you. You will hear things that you are unable to see, because it is the scourge of a poet that they are too close to the forest to see the trees.

Long ago I had a teacher tell me that a poem should flow easily almost musically over the tongue and leave a lingering taste like eating a bit of Tupelo honey. It is an anology which when used will make an average poem much better.

I am going to rate this poem, dead center average, This poem can be improved a lot with minimal effort. I encourage you to spend the time.
Keep writing, the muse will visit you more and more.
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Review of Longing  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reviewing anything is a very subjective process. Each reviewer is a composite of their own particular experiences, therefore no two reviewers will see a piece the same way. Please keep in mind that my observations are going to be rather general because a piece this short is subject to obfuscation with the change of a single word.

A rule of thumb, the shorter the piece the more important each word becomes.

I am a great believer in hard bound reference books, ie. The heaviest dictionary that your desk will support, the largest and best theasaurus you can get, and last but not least the best rhyming dictionary you can afford. I like hard bounds in that there are no files to crash, no missed keystrokes just words and definitions and the gateway to the nuances of the English Language.

I recommend an ongoing effort to maximize your vocabulary, sometimes a new word will lay dormant for awhile and then pop up in your mind as the exact word to impart a special meaning to your reader. The rewards for you are less frustration when looking for the exact word that you need; and of course better communication with your reader.

Pushing a message through a classical mold to achieve a desired form limits, to a degree, the allowable choice of words. All poets are forced to use poetic license at times, but special care must be exercised to make sure that the meaning is not depreciated in the process.

The poet does a dance on a razor thin edge at times it can be exhausting, but the reward of knowing that you have done your best will put your whole writing experience on a much higher plane.

Sometimes it seems a poem pops out of its hiding place in ones mind. It can be bare bones, or it can be a complete poem. While a complete poem rarely pops out of my mind, I love it when it comes together as if somewhere in the recesses of my soul an idea has fermented into a worthwhile piece.

Enjoy your writing. It should not always be a drudgery, but a little midnight oil at times is exactly what it takes to touch your reader's soul.

I like this piece, but I think when I read it aloud, that the author could make changes which would give it more intimate impact on the reader.

I will not suggest any changes as all I could do would be confuse your meanings. Only the author should make changes especially in such a short piece.

Now I am sending you 1000 gps. This is an effort to encourage you to write more and to let the window of your soul show your reader what you have inside.

My very best to you.
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