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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Keep in mind, reviewing is a very subjective process. Each reviewer by merit of their experience will see different things in each piece. It does not mean anything derrogatory about a particular piece.

Recommendations include the following. Avail yourself all of the reference materials from your local library if you cant afford your own, I like the unabridged dictionaries, thesaurus and rhyming dictionaries. You do not have to rhyme because poetry is the language of the soul.

Since each of us is different so will our poetry be more or less understandable to those who read our work. Most of the time a poem does not blossom from the mind in finished condition. There are exceptions but it is my feeling they probably have been simmering a long time on the back burners of my mind.

Sometimes I think of a poem as a stew. It takes good ingredients (feelings, intuitions, and thoughts) to make a hearty blend. Word choice becomes the spice with which we flavor our individual messages. Undertake a program to enrich your vocabulary. The more words that are a part of you, the better able you will be able to give the messages of your soul to your readers.

I think you will find that time spent editing pays dividends. You will feel better about yourself and how you write, and your readers will be better able to understand your poems.

i encourage you to keep writing and keep putting new words into your vocabulary. There are at least fifty ways to say the same thing in our language, but each has its own nuance. Use nuance to your advantage to say exactly what you mean. It takes a lot of practice, but in the long run it is well worth the effort.

Read what you write aloud. You will find many little things that it is all too easy to miss just reading print. You may wish to have someone you trust read your poems aloud to you. You will hear things that you are unable to see, because it is the scourge of a poet that they are too close to the forest to see the trees.

Long ago I had a teacher tell me that a poem should flow easily almost musically over the tongue and leave a lingering taste like eating a bit of Tupelo honey. It is an anology which when used will make an average poem much better.

I am going to rate this poem, dead center average, This poem can be improved a lot with minimal effort. I encourage you to spend the time.
Keep writing, the muse will visit you more and more.
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Review of Longing  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reviewing anything is a very subjective process. Each reviewer is a composite of their own particular experiences, therefore no two reviewers will see a piece the same way. Please keep in mind that my observations are going to be rather general because a piece this short is subject to obfuscation with the change of a single word.

A rule of thumb, the shorter the piece the more important each word becomes.

I am a great believer in hard bound reference books, ie. The heaviest dictionary that your desk will support, the largest and best theasaurus you can get, and last but not least the best rhyming dictionary you can afford. I like hard bounds in that there are no files to crash, no missed keystrokes just words and definitions and the gateway to the nuances of the English Language.

I recommend an ongoing effort to maximize your vocabulary, sometimes a new word will lay dormant for awhile and then pop up in your mind as the exact word to impart a special meaning to your reader. The rewards for you are less frustration when looking for the exact word that you need; and of course better communication with your reader.

Pushing a message through a classical mold to achieve a desired form limits, to a degree, the allowable choice of words. All poets are forced to use poetic license at times, but special care must be exercised to make sure that the meaning is not depreciated in the process.

The poet does a dance on a razor thin edge at times it can be exhausting, but the reward of knowing that you have done your best will put your whole writing experience on a much higher plane.

Sometimes it seems a poem pops out of its hiding place in ones mind. It can be bare bones, or it can be a complete poem. While a complete poem rarely pops out of my mind, I love it when it comes together as if somewhere in the recesses of my soul an idea has fermented into a worthwhile piece.

Enjoy your writing. It should not always be a drudgery, but a little midnight oil at times is exactly what it takes to touch your reader's soul.

I like this piece, but I think when I read it aloud, that the author could make changes which would give it more intimate impact on the reader.

I will not suggest any changes as all I could do would be confuse your meanings. Only the author should make changes especially in such a short piece.

Now I am sending you 1000 gps. This is an effort to encourage you to write more and to let the window of your soul show your reader what you have inside.

My very best to you.
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Review of The Bible  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
My thoughts on this piece.

I can tell this message means a lot to you. It deserves your absolute best in presenting it.

Each individual word takes on more and more significance in a short piece. Using the same words over and over is acceptable when reciting a litany, but in a poem, kind of get boring from the repetition. English is a great language it has at least fifty ways to say anything, if an author takes the time to search out the words. I recommend using a good thesaurus, a good dictionary, and a good rhyming dictionary. They all help explore different ways to say something that help limit the amount of repetiton of the same words over and over.

I find no fault with your message, I just think you could find a more interesting way of presenting it.

I always recommend that you think about the audience that you wish to reach, then select your words to best present your message. If you bore or distract your reader then you fail to communicate the message that you feel so strongly about.

Now this review may seem a little harsh, but you must remember everyone in WDC was a newbie once.

In order to encourage you to keep writing I am sending you gift points. Keep on writing, Practice helps us all improve.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Since this is a sketch and not a finished word portrait I have been a tad more generous than usual. I noted one error, easily made, easily fixed. The sides of a coin are HEADS & TAILS. That dates back to Coin of the Realm under British Rule, Head of the lion on one side and the tail on the back. I collect trivia in my old gray head.

You have a beginning here which has a visceral connection to anyone who understands it. Your words creat a world of sight, sound, smell, and the feeling of the cold rain which chills to the bone. GREAT! It is the mark of a great writer that the look through the window of the authors mind is so vivid and alive. BRAVO!

Now, your sketch cries out to be finished. PLEASE continue this story. You have left this reader with a thousand questions that only you can answer. I am sending you 2500 gps in hopes I can encourage you to complete this story.

Now about who this reviewer is, I am 71 and only recently have I been willing to risk exposing my soul to others. I understand your reticence
to expose your impressions of your world, and the feelings which they generate deep inside your soul

Tell your stories, Please. If I can be of any help do not hesitate to contact me for critique or reviews.
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Review of She's a Thief  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this little poem. A poet of note once said "a poem should flow smoothly from the tongue leaving a hint of its taste to be savored at leisure."

This is a perfect example of the best of simple pleasant communication with a flavor that lingers.

Great Job!
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Review of Falling Star  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Poetry is the language of the heart and the voice of your soul. I always read a piece I am reviewing aloud. All the humps and bumps are clearly revealed by your tongue to your ear.

A poet of note once said "a poem should flow smoothly from the tongue leaving a hint of its taste to be savored at leisure."

Practice makes perfect. I would recommend thinking about what you are trying to say. This piece is like a puzzle and the pieces are not fit together smoothly. It is about presentation of the images in your mind. Think about this example. I as author, poet, ask the reader to look through the window of my soul. It is my job to make that window clear. Handprints, smudges, and strreaks of dried tears only obfuscate
the view.

You have thoughts which are poignant and deserve your efforts too present them to others. Think about your pieces as gifts of your innermost heart to your readers. Would you put such a gift in a brown paper sack, or would you think about how to wrap it nicely with
gift wrap and perhaps a bow.


Keep writing, Keep thinking. Those thoughts are the building blocks of Literature. Read other poets every chance you get. You will find that most new poets lack presentation. It is a learning exsperience and even a lifetime of experience can be improved.

You decide what to say, how to say it, then present it in a manner which puts its very best forward.
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Review of Sonnet  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This piece although rich in nuance and word built images, still lacks what it would take for this reviewer to give more than a 3.5.

I believe there are synonyms which could be used to avoid repeating the word passion so many times, and also the spacing of stanzas detracts from the flow. I highly recommend to all readers and poets alike, read aloud, then have your piece read to you. tiny rough spots reveal themselves clearly.

A poet of note once said "a poem should flow smoothly from the tongue leaving a hint of its taste to be savored at leisure."

This particular piece might not fit that mold as well as it could. You touch on some things which carry visceral impact ie.. the seven day war!

I remember quite well, of course i am 70 and have seen the degeneration of Beruit from Jewel of the Med, to the bombed out hulks that are there now. Of course the author may have had reference to the work week. It too is a war that repeats over and over 52 times a year.

Amazing what nuance can bring from the same words, NO?

I enjoyed this sonnet, and encourage you to keep writing. Practice makes perfect. It helps to have a clear idea in mind exactly what message a piece is to convey. After all the purpose of all writing is to communicate.

Keep writing, I am including a small token award to encourage you to practice, practice, practice.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I find this short piece to be interesting, and well written but itt does have one major flaw in logic.

" Carbon dating placed its age to be roughly a million years before than the oldest known dinosaurs. " Carbon dating is a somewhat destructive process requiring a fairly large sample of High Carbon material. Could be, but the artifact described is intact. This premise is iffy at best.

" First came the discovery of the ancient scrolls along with the unearthing of the artifact she now held in her hand" The time period "a million years" makes the liklihood of finding intact scrolls very doubtful. There was nothing written at that time which was at least (some what arguably) 800,000 years before sentient creatures wrote anything on hides, or papyrus. Of course it could have been aliens?


"Translated scrolls indicated the artifact would grant them access to a room hidden behind the door." Translating a totally unknown script takes years, sometimes decades to glean even partial translations. Most all "ancient writings" sit undeciphered because there is nothing with which to compare them. There would be no rosettta stone from a million years ago which would include reference material from 800,000 years later, Man written script, or carvings. Without man generted script of a similiar time period, translation would be literally impossible.

Your efforts are interesting, but you obviously pulled a lot from thin air. To be really acceptable writings like this need at least a tiny basis in facts. The leap you ask me to make in reading this is just too much.

I do not intend to rain on your parade, but I would suggest doing some homework and get what you can from learned scholars who are quite willing in most cases to help fledgeling wrriters.

You have a real great imagination. Arm it with facts, theories, and education. This will bring your writing from average toward the elusive excellent ratings we all desire.

Perhaps I am not the best person to review a piece like this. I know too much, and probably expect more work on background than most writers are willing to do. This could be made a lot more believable without making it miss the mark on length.

Keep writing, but do not dismiss the necessity for research. Please accept a small token gift to inspire you to write more.
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Review of Empty Vessel  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you, for your special vision which you so graciously shared with me. This comes at a time when I needed your touch more than you will ever know. To try to let you know what this piece has meant to me at this moment in my life, is only to cheapen the words with which I try to convey what this has meant to me at this moment in my life.

It is snowing. large soft flakes are floating down outside my window. They curl and drift in random spirals like angel feathers. Thank you for flying over my head. I can never let you know how much i appreciate your sharing.
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Review of The Wager.  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting piece. It is a leap for an old, set in his ways crumudgeon, like I am, to allow himself the leap of "faith?" necessary to really understand this piece. It is definitely a piece whose base is welded good, as stronger than any basic building material in this world. You have a gift. I sincerely approve your use of it. Thank you for giving me a glimpse outside my black and white, yet mostly gray view of the world. You have colored it gold for a moment. Thank You
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
What could I have done?
I didn’t get there in time. There was nothing I could do.
No, it’s my fault. Had I gotten there sooner, he would still be alive.

( I would rewrite this opening. There is a Great though segue here. Some tiny changes would improve the effect of the first time that you touch your reader's mind. They experience the self accusatory litany that the author is attempting to sort out and give order to their thoughts.

What ELSE could I have done?

It was too far away! I couldn't get there in time.

There was nothing I could do!

Yet the fact remains,
IF I HAD BEEN THERE,
He would still be alive.
Of that I am guilty! just my suggestion. I hope you understand how important the opening is.


Going from defensive to accusatory in a matter of seconds, Villahr sat in silent self-depreciation for allowing himself to think. It was dangerous for a man in his situation. He was trapped within the memory of that night it seemed he would never be free from. However, what’s past is past and reliving the moment would only bring suffering. He knew tearing himself down would be detrimental, it would not bring anyone back from the grave, yet the thoughts were there in his head before he could stop them.
This paragraph is a bit too cerebral It could include SIGHT, SOUND, The temperature and texture of things.

For you, One of great vision, and understanding of things deeper than the surface of one's skin, It is learning to let go of all the scenes and let them reveal all their nuance. Smell the cedar. The rough surface of stone on the knees that kneel in supplication>

It is your story, only you are familiar enough with the nuance of situations, story and charectars to make them come alive through the windows of our mind.

Sight Sound Smell Texture Temperature, then emotional flashes, and last and least important, self realizations of the main charecters.

You have all the time you need to familiarize us with your charecters. You do not have to knock us off our feet.

I hope this helps, and not hurts. You have the power. Take the helm and guide us through your world, help us get to know the stories of each charecter and how they interweave into the whole fabric of a book. Weaving the lives, beliefs, and interactions of each one in the story, into something complete, without holes, yet not too heavy to carry is the trick.

He gazed out the open window and across the empty field at a tree standing tall and proud in the distance. As he watched, an owl landed on one of its arms, he listened to its cries hoping it would drown out the {{The guilty screaming in his mind. ****************************

Unfortunately I do not have time to do more right now.

I would love to help you lift the wonderful start of this story into the place it deserves.

That will take many hours, sleepless nights and sore feet from walking barefoot on cobblestone streets!

It is your story only you can tell it in the language of your soul.
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Review of TWAS THE NIGHT  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have dealt with some very deep things in this piece. Was it written for a contest?

I read aloud, any poem I come across. Usually I am alone in my study with my dog for company. So I need not fear any looks from others as I would if I were on the train, or in a bus. Sometimes I do get looks, when I sit in the park and enjoy a few poems.

I gave you a dead center average rating. First the brevity and then the cadence and choice of words. { It was a blue???} Truck? elephant? bicycle? or perhaps it was a blue Gnu from Dr Suess? You lost me. You witheld any pointers your reader could use to find their way through
this questioning space. Is it real? Or is it a nightmare?

I once wrote a long poem as a tribute to three friends of mine who were in the car ahead of me and got t-boned. My girl friend and I were first on the scene, and the fear and helplessness were the strongest I had ever experienced. Two of them were killed instantly, the other suffered from severe brain trauma and finally after several months succumbed to a nosocomial infection that turned into pnumonia. Her death was hardest for me to absorb. She suffered so much. There was great catharsis for me in writing the poem that no one understood, I let my flow of consciousness carry me along without a thought for a reader. It is OK to do that, but perhaps not so good to put it in a place asking for reviews.

I learned long ago, somethings are best kept in my journals never to be shared, they are best at what they are, a purge for a wounded soul.

Please know I sense potential, which you have not shared with your readers. Right or wrong just do not apply to feelings. They just are,

I look forward to reading more of your work. Perhaps we will be able to help each other improve.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Your presentation is a little hard to follow. I agree with your premise but think a little editing and rewording would help. It is always best to read your work aloud, then have someone else read it aloud to you. Any spots that have any problems will show immediately

You have a good start here, I can tell you have put a lot of thought into it. Keep writing, and remember, it is not how well you know your material that counts, (It does make a difference) but it is the way that you present it that is what will attract and keep your readers with you.
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Review of Porcelain Hands  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Cheers and my kudos for the feelings expressed in Porcelain Hands. My experience with porcelain has been it breaks so easily. It is beautiful and translucent that you can see the shape of delicate fingers holding a cup of tea in the sunlight. I really think you could improve this vastly using a couple techniques I was told about years ago. Read aloud. Then have your piece read aloud to you. You will find the spots which are less than as smooth as porcelain. My experience tells me, that you need to keep the cup full with hot tea to extract the feeling of warmth.

i was just sitting here contemplating why loving statues with fragile delicate wings, no one can deny they all have hearts of stone.

I like your poem. It does need work, and filling out a bit into what you have in your mind. Make us feel what you feel, and your poem will be complete.

Best to you.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
AHHHHH! Mission accomplished! You scared the S*** out of me!

Well written and just graphic enough to keep me from enjoying my rasberry yougart I was going to eat for dessert.

d
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece sends reverberations through the hollow halls of my soul. Thank you for sharing this with me.

Your messages are clear, and deep as cool waters flowing from the slowly melting snow high on the mountains above my favorite thinking place.

Lest we ever forget, the sacrifices that have been made on our behalf, a visit to one of the Veterans Memorial Graveyards. It touches me deeply
to see the neat rows of markers and realize that each one represents a supreme gift voluntarily given for me.

The only suggestion I could make toward improvement is what I was told many years ago by a mentor and good friend.

"Poetry", he said, "should roll smoothly off your tongue leaving a hint of it's passing. Some is like honey and lingers sweet, some like wine tart and brisk, and some like pepper leaves a slight burn."

I have deep feelings about poetry, I think it is a form of expression which cries loudly to be read aloud and listened to. A poem is like a bud which is not yet opened until someone reads it and someone else hears it. If you remember this, your poetry will improve.

The depth of the thoughts and emotions you draw on when you write show the character of the author.
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Review of The Empty Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like your form, It lends an interesting cadence when it is read aloud. Poetry, to me is meant to be read aloud. I see how a few thoughts grown from this piece could evolve into a very interesting book.

Due to the short length and the fragmentary way the poem flows, There are essential questions which pop into every reader's mind.
Answering those could take a lot of time.

I enjoy pieces that cause me to think. This one did. I would like to find the answers to the questions this piece generates. It is a very good reason to keep on writing.

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Review of Shadow Walks  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good one, a reader can submerge their feet just standing in the surf wet sand in your story. I am always impressed with pieces like this, which operate on multiple levels of human experience. So too, you touch with tender warm the part of the soul which accepts the inevitable finale of the illusion we call life. I for one never cease to be amazed at the sheer power of a few inches of surf slowly pulling the sand from beneath my feet.+

It is time to go for a walk today before the opportunity passes.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I like,
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Review of The Badlands  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this piece, I grew up in the badlands of South Dakota. You caught the spirit. I liked your rhythym until the later portions of your poem

The scheme you started in the early parts of the poem slowly lost the zing which made the first 2/3 or so excellent.

One technique which I recommend is reading aloud, and having a piece read aloud to me. Then there are the old standby hard copy rhyming dictionary and my Thesaurus which I use daily. I personally feel that the electronic versions lack the fullness of a hard bound copy.

Perhaps my age has something to do with my preferences.

This piece brought back memories of 15 cent movies on Saturday Afternoons and the hundreds of Western Movies that I enjoyed as escapes from the place I called home. Although Movies were nice, I always enjoyed reading more. It gave my imagination the freedom to draw it's own pictures in my mind. I thank you for giving me a glimpse of the more innocent times of that era.

This was enjoyable.
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Review of My Angel  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Angels, are old friends of mine. They visit me when I need lifting, They tell me their stories softly in the night allowing me to find the peace and rest necessary to survive. I write about angels, I am writing a book called "Secret Angel." It is a saga of South Louisiana born in the marsh and swamp. A tale that will make you laugh and cry at the stories and how they weave together into the strong material that is the legacy of "The Secret Angel."

I loved this story! It has a living heartbeat, it lives. Some how I hear clearly sense what is behind this story, whether it is personal, or a vicarious experience, or even something constructed from multiple sources. Your story has the clarity of a mission bell high in the cold mountain air of South Western Colorado. It reverberates with an energy all its own. It resonates with my heart.

Now one tiny word about structure. (hey I get this frequently so I feel obligated to pass it on) Your paragraphs are not helping your reader follow your story. There are several methods with which this could be made more reader friendly! I leave it there with the talented person who wrote this, and I trust will find a way, perhaps by reading it aloud to someone, perhaps having it read aloud to them? Any way I am sure you will find a way to make this story more perfect.

Thank you for this story!

D
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Review of Aokigahara  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Fifty one years ago, I took a bicycle trip from Kagoshima on Kyushu to Kushiro on Hokkaido. I rode a couple ferry boats and made one backtrack by train instead of riding the same road twice. I was fortunate enough to have Tetsuro Okano from Hawaii who came along to find the home of his ancestors. He spoke Japanese fluently and had a knack for finding inexpensive accommodations and delicious food. I took over fourty rolls of 35mm pictures that were xrayed by customs when I sent them home to Alameda, California for processing. Fogged all of them. I still remember the sights, inscense, tea, and Sukiaki cooked right at our table at a restaurant in Kobe. It sounds very much like you spent some time there? Unfortunately I came to know very little history except "The way of the Samurai" which was Okano's passion.

The culture was much different then, but the belief system is still rooted in the same volcanic soil. I have thought of making a return trip, but with money being as scarce as it is, and the dollar is quite weak against the yen especially when compared to fifty plus years ago.

Times change, but basic needs are still so much the same. What we want is so much different than our true needs.

I am very curious how you came to write this? It is an exqusite piece. It touches past places in my mind, the only thing I noted was when you described the rope like roots of the trees, yet you did not mention that they knot themselves together. I definitely would have pointed out the knots that tie the living trees together with the dead ones. But that is me and this beautiful piece is yours.

D
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Review of A Zephyr's Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Surely you are touched, I sense your classical references to literature, and music, they resonate softly on the strings of my heart.

I rate this just for me, from my viewpoint, because if someone else does not understand it matters only that I do. Perhaps that is a selfish attitude, but I feel you wrote this for me. Thank you. What a wonderful soothing vocabulary,

D
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is difficult to evaluate, my head is full of the newest and the best pictures from The Hubble Telescope. I also am aware that the numbers of galaxies out there has grown exponentially with every picture of deep space that comes from Hubble. Some people are afraid of the big bang idea. I say why limit God? If he created millions of billions of stars by saying BE! then I think that would have been a hell of a bang. LOL

The only fault I can find is, that I know too much, the milky way is but one tiny fleck in the universe. I think perhaps you need to grow a new poem of the universe. Just a thought. I loved this, I would like to see what you do with a million billion galaxies each as large or larger than the Milky way. Scarey isn't it? LOL It gives instant lessons in how to feel small.

D
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Review of The Descent  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I cannot believe something,
That cannot see,
That flaw is in all of us,
And is as natural as when we breathe.

Is the thing in which cannot see blind?

The line "That I cannot see" goes better with the content

"That cannot be seen" also works but has a slightly different connotation

It definitely needs fixing.

I highly recommend reading aloud to another person, and then having them read aloud to you.

You will be much more able to spot the rough places whether they are content, rhyme, or meter. This also works well for short stories.

I like your idea, but feel a little tinkering would make your message more understandable,

The last stanza makes me a bit nervous. It comes across that you are possibly thinking of violence as a means of eliminating hate.

Man has been trying that one since the dawn of History. Still doesn't work. the

"The ultimate insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." No?
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