What could I have done?
I didn’t get there in time. There was nothing I could do.
No, it’s my fault. Had I gotten there sooner, he would still be alive.
( I would rewrite this opening. There is a Great though segue here. Some tiny changes would improve the effect of the first time that you touch your reader's mind. They experience the self accusatory litany that the author is attempting to sort out and give order to their thoughts.
What ELSE could I have done?
It was too far away! I couldn't get there in time.
There was nothing I could do!
Yet the fact remains,
IF I HAD BEEN THERE,
He would still be alive.
Of that I am guilty! just my suggestion. I hope you understand how important the opening is.
Going from defensive to accusatory in a matter of seconds, Villahr sat in silent self-depreciation for allowing himself to think. It was dangerous for a man in his situation. He was trapped within the memory of that night it seemed he would never be free from. However, what’s past is past and reliving the moment would only bring suffering. He knew tearing himself down would be detrimental, it would not bring anyone back from the grave, yet the thoughts were there in his head before he could stop them.
This paragraph is a bit too cerebral It could include SIGHT, SOUND, The temperature and texture of things.
For you, One of great vision, and understanding of things deeper than the surface of one's skin, It is learning to let go of all the scenes and let them reveal all their nuance. Smell the cedar. The rough surface of stone on the knees that kneel in supplication>
It is your story, only you are familiar enough with the nuance of situations, story and charectars to make them come alive through the windows of our mind.
Sight Sound Smell Texture Temperature, then emotional flashes, and last and least important, self realizations of the main charecters.
You have all the time you need to familiarize us with your charecters. You do not have to knock us off our feet.
I hope this helps, and not hurts. You have the power. Take the helm and guide us through your world, help us get to know the stories of each charecter and how they interweave into the whole fabric of a book. Weaving the lives, beliefs, and interactions of each one in the story, into something complete, without holes, yet not too heavy to carry is the trick.
He gazed out the open window and across the empty field at a tree standing tall and proud in the distance. As he watched, an owl landed on one of its arms, he listened to its cries hoping it would drown out the {{The guilty screaming in his mind. ****************************
Unfortunately I do not have time to do more right now.
I would love to help you lift the wonderful start of this story into the place it deserves.
That will take many hours, sleepless nights and sore feet from walking barefoot on cobblestone streets!
It is your story only you can tell it in the language of your soul. |
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