You did a good job of showing me emotions.
What I liked:
The attachment to still feel the other person.
"I really like this line. "I hide away everything, build a wall to stay behind"
Here are my suggestions:
In line one delete everything after the common I think it will add more weight to the other person being there.
The fourth to last line would be stronger without the "I think"
Keep writing :)
E
i like how you captured the self-conclusiveness we as a society bring upon ourselves and the ever ongoing hatred we have for ourselves, and others, created by our self created worlds that we fear to step out of for fearing the pain that our 'shelter' can't protect us from when we are not withdrawn from the world.
my only question is why is 'in joy' in the first line? do you find enjoyment from the fear?
if so i suggest making that the second line also maybe a little adjustment to the first line.
'the heart that fears in dark,
the joy,
as it creeps across the floor."
readers smile,
as their thoughts portrayed on the paper before them.
minds file,
the ins and outs spoken like a gem.
the only unsatisfactory things,
were the exclusion of the hearts darkness,
and minds that tremble by hauntings.
but, why include when a light heart is bliss.
with a quick read-through you'll find a few punctuation errors. i enjoyed the first story about the psychic more which is why i rated this one lower, a good story nonetheless. this may just be my personal preference but, the dialogue to description ratio was off which is separating this piece from a great one. the dialogue is good, throw in more of the characters thoughts, feelings, and actions throughout the dialogue and you're golden.
i highly enjoyed this story. as i read it i had to keep reminding myself i needed to give it a review. i searched and reread looking for something to criticize. here i am writing my review with nothing to degrade. i found no weak point to crumble this story so it can be rebuilt even better. congratulations on this beautifully written piece. but, since i am here i must make a suggestion, however minor, more detail on the setting would add a nice touch. is it dark? is there a crystal ball or cards, how is the energy being funneled into the psychic? maybe fog or mist rolls in, or beads hanging from the ceiling rattle. maybe throw in a gasp from the daughters at the end.
i loved it, good job :}
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