Zena's voice comes through very well and is intriguing, very matter-of-fact and vicious by turns. You do a good job of setting her up as a kind of anti-hero. Are her acts of violence justified, or is she really part of the problem? This is the sort of question that gets readers interested. That line about eating people and still looking good in a bathing suit is money, as they say.
I'm going back and forth on the name in my head. On the one hand, she explains she named herself after Xena, which justifies the similarity. On the other hand, why do they know about American TV shows on Planet Animalus. There are a few other elements that make it hard for me to grasp Zena's world. If she's 30-feet tall, who could offer her a fight? Who could restrain and abuse her for years? Is everyone that huge?
I think you have a decent start here. You establish your characters, a bit about your world, and set the groundwork to flesh them out. Your narrator's voice is interesting in that she or he seems somewhat detached from what's going on, as best illustrated when describing the crash and injuries. This style could be used in interesting ways as you introduce conflict into the story.
Suggestions: make sure you can always justify why the narrator writes what they write. For instance, in the first entry, it's important that the reader knows about the narrator's dreams of exploration, but why did they decide to mention their life-long dream in their 7/9/2094 log? Did something happen on 7/9 that made them reflect? Did they just receive a letter from home? I think details like this can make a journal-type narrative seem more natural and less prone to exposition.
In answer to your question, I say you should indeed continue.
I really like your premise. You do a good job of translating an everyday profession from modern times into the far future. Gabe seems like an interesting character and comes across just like a used car salesman.
Suggestions: The dialog between Gabe and CR doesn't seem to develop normally. CR announces his intention to buy Gabe's inventory, Gabe responds with a sales-pitch that sounds geared towards a first-time customer fresh in the door. You may want to revise Gabe's reactions in this seen. Also, the point of view switch from Gabe to CR is rather jarring. If you're going to switch POVs, it's usually a good job to signal the switch somehow, say an extra line break between the two POVs.
That's just me, though. With some more work, I think this premise can go places. Keep at it.
You've done a decent job establishing your protagonist. William comes across nicely as a country kid who wants to be a hero. His relationship with Mika has some good possibilities for development later in the story. Your vocabulary and structure are so far appropriate for your target audience.
I'm not sure there's enough here to go on for me to give plot advice. If it were me writing, Mika would either stand up to the villain and die before too long or somehow disappoint William, either action serving as William's motivation to undertake whatever his quest turns out to be. One thing you might work on is keeping the narrator consistent. Phrases like "People around here had named it Oak" seem to locate the narrator inside the village, yet the narrator later shows signs of omniscience.
This is a really tight narrative. I like how elements connect, like the cartoon chase paralleling the shooting of the boy. The second half is quite vivid and I really feel the old man's emotion as he torments himself. The fact that the episode is triggered by a chance comment on the tv is a nice touch, very true to life.
Suggestion-wise, I'd recommend a little more development in the first half when the old man is with his family. Explore the relationship a bit more. Do Alex and Jeffrey have any inkling of what the old man did in the war? I think connecting them to the old man's memories a little more closely could add to the already-strong emotional impact of this story.
You've set up an intriguing world and some nice characters. Peri is quite convincing as a confused, scared kid. Besides having a cool name, Crepuscula looks to be a quality villain. The dialog between Shea and Crepuscula does a great job of hinting at the issues between them, which I assume will be explored in future chapters.
The end really stood out. While certainly foreshadowed, Shea's murder comes up suddenly and with great impact. Your descriptions throughout were quite vivid and they really shined in the last few paragraphs. The last two lines were very effective and created a strong image for me.
Suggestion-wise, you may want to cut back on the number of pronouns. Especially in the first few paragraphs, there were several points where I lost track of who was doing what. Also, there are some spots where it's unclear how Peri knows something. For instance, if Crepu has a youthful appearance, how can Peri tell that her mother and Crepu are the same age?
You have a great start to a story here. Keep it going.
I like your opening in that the protagonist calls himself a knight then displays traits and views scenery we don't normally associate with the classic idea of knights. Reminiscent of Stephen King's gunslinger, but by no means a copy. You use some very evocative, atmospheric language that works well.
I did find the story a little hard to follow. While brevity is usually appreciated, I think you have more ideas here than you need. Some elements, such as the necromancer and the goblins, seem to serve little purpose. I'd suggest either developing them more or cutting them entirely. You have the potential for an intriguing, multi-sided conflict here. Either develop each side fully, or tighten your focus on the primary conflict.
Keep at it!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eiocy
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 2:13am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
