Amazing and heart renching! I couldn't stop reading and I am close to crying. You described everything with such emotion and feeling that I am truly touched.
This was a really pretty story, but I felt like it was an outline or a first draft waiting to become something fantastic.
If it was me I would have written it from Julianne's perspective, I think it would have made it more personal and made me feel something for her. As it is I felt distant from the emotion that I know I should feel reading such a story.
There are also some punctuation errors, but I am dreadful at those myself so I am not going to give you any advice, I might make it worse for you.
Please know that this is only my opinion and it is ultimately you as the writter that has the final say in how this is written.
That was beautiful. I really liked it and in the short amount of time it took me to read it I was feeling the awkward feelings of being in love as a teenager. I love that she had the courage to do something that most people wouldn't (go looking for him) and then when she found out about him having Cancer. I liked it so much I want to find out exactly what happened, I wanted more detail. There are a couple of things that I picked up that need attention, but they are very minor.
The first time I saw you everyday I would jump ever so slightly This doesn't make sence, maybe if it were written - Since the first time I saw you I would jump ever so slightly... OR Everyday since the first time I saw you I would jump ever so slightly....
It seemed dumb, and confusing, Maybe dumb isn't the right word? Maybe try - It didn't feel right for me to feel this way about him.... OR It was irrational for me to feel this way about him...
You began to break down the walls I had working so hard to build This is just missing a word. You began to break down the walls I had been working so hard to build
You disappeared without any signs as to where you had gone Just keep this part simple, I think that it slows the story down. - You disappeared without a word.
(I had a very good imagination) Stay in the now, by saying that she had a very good imagination you suggest that she no longer does.
I got up the never to search for you I think you mean nerve? it's an easy spelling mistake when your creative juices are flowing!
You mother answered the door Again another easy spelling mistake, it should be Your instead of You.
you eyes blazing into mine Your instead of You
followed by an order the "come back". Followed by the order?
Then I was no afraid Then I was not afraid
We both lay on his bed a while Again stay in the now. You have been writting as if you are talking to him in a letter, but now you are talking to the reader. Try - We both lay on your bed.
Please remember that this is only my opinion and I hope that you can find something in all of this that will help you. I really love the story and I would like to see more from you.
As they say on WDC write on, and congratulations on a great story.
KC Haynes
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