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62 Public Reviews Given
62 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Medium  Open in new Window.
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Christina,
Love the explanation of what exactly being a medium entails, at the beginning. It gives the reader all the information needed to follow your character with out being long winded or over done. You then flow seamlessly into the actual story, with the action/conflict that stems from a baby in distress. The description and definition of what an Ovoid is was great, very detailed and visual. The reader is given a lasting image of this dark spiritual energy. Great twist at the end of your story, where the reader is thinking your protagonist has escaped, only to find out that the Ovoid has attached to her. Then the further twist of this particular Ovoid actually being the baby she was called to save. Well paced, good conflict, good use of the paranormal in your story as a tool. Excellent job.

Lines I really enjoyed:
She was really afraid; terrified. She knew... she knew... Oh No! Not this! I can't handle this.
(Gives a great view into your protagonists inner feelings)
; their obsession is so strong that they compress their souls into a mass, an elliptical-shaped spiritual creature of darkness floating over us
(great visual, and explanation, in a short amount of words)
They would find you, detect your thoughts, connect to you, suck your energy, and finally --- kill you.
(great explanation of an Ovoid, again using very few words)

Possible edit notes:
Oh, the so many obsession cases

moreover, involving an d infant!

The baby looked at her... tired, scared, sobbing and , as if begging for help

Great story!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
LOL Great piece! Well written and honest, which is the perfect recipe for humorous stories like the one you have here. I love the sense of humor through out the piece, starting with the description of how your writing has changed, over time, and the reveal that your going to: "spice this “blurb” up with a David Letterman style Top Ten List toward the end"

One quick edit note:
We begin the (to) discuss Pooh
(Or, "We begin to discuss the Pooh)

OK, I will now proceed to bombard you with the lines that I got a kick out of:

As we are engaging in our intellectual conversation,
(LOL, about Winnie the pooh, of course.)

And then, finally, it dawns upon me. Perhaps she asking me for my number for an entirely other reason than to reprimand me. This does not make me any less nervous, only more so. Women never express any interest in me. I haven’t been on a date in well over two years, and that doesn’t really count because that was when I was with my wife.
(Great, very funny in a this-is-so-true-its-hilariously-funny kind of way)

Despite my nervousness there is something about the moment that makes me want to go to goofy Andy Land. ... “Are you fucking kidding? Hell yeah, you can have my number.” Then I would repeat it three times to make sure she had it straight.
(I literally lol'ed, yep, stating things thrice is always a panty dropper, in my experience.)

10) Just as she was dialing my number she died, sadly and ironically enough, of loneliness
5) I was so shocked a woman asked me for my number, I gave it to her wrong.
4) Her vacation plans fell through, so her wanting to ask me if I’d swing by and water her plants while she was gone, became moot.
2) She was going to call me, but then she came to her fucking senses.
1) I’m delusional. I just dreamed the whole thing up.
(Great top 10 list in general, these six had me rolling.)

Of all of these I think I like 1 the best. It has so much potential. Now I can put my over active imagination to good use. In my mind tonight I’m going to have Patty call me. Our conversation is going to sparkle. We are so going to hit it off.
(I really enjoyed your looking back and saying, hey, I like 1 the best, at least it allows me to be creative about it. Lol.)
This ending was great, very funny, and yet conclusive enough to leave the reader satisfied. Very funny piece, great job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Smile  Open in new Window.
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like your concept here, Toffee.
I enjoyed the way you started the story, how many different things a smile can mean. Then you begin to associate smiling with particular situations, like breakfasts your mother made, only to twist it with the 'I wish I could. I really do.' line. The story, with that twist, changes from a human prospective to some sort of (for lack of a better word) angel or humanity protecting war machine. It's unclear, but that is not important, the story comes across as a great idea, and a wonderful use of a twist while the reader is not expecting it. Some of my favorite lines:

Oh, it's true, it's true, I am not a man fit for such hazardous activity! I am humbly satisfied not owning a convertible, I enjoy simple moments such as early morning train rides, or wandering lost in a town name not known of.

Now, allow me to give you some edit notes, which will hopefully help:

Edit notes:
But(,) I sometimes wonder if this act of awarding (it is some sort of award(,) isn't it(?) (C)onsidering how nice and happy it makes us feel)

does it interpret(s) what

.It's the little things which make(s) you smile you know, those which go(es) unnoticed

Do you remember (how) (what) the house used (to) look(ed) like

they are the (prove) (proof) we once existed

hiding (mine) (my) pain

I did enjoy the story, and I think if you make some of these edits it will be easier for readers to access it and follow it. I hope this helps.
Eli


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Football in Sudan  Open in new Window.
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Ha, funny short story, waffles, I like your main characters attitude. You used the dialogue to your advantage, and did a really solid job with the conversation the couple have. Some of my favorite lines were:

“Jesus, Carline, I’d know if they won – don’t you think I’d know? I’d f***ing know if the Chargers won a Superbowl.”
(This is a great, funny line, and well written, it's real sounding dialogue.)

She tossed it at the girl, whom narrowly avoided it.
(lol, oops)

“There’s a difference. What if they were starving and all they had were, I don’t know, hot dogs. Would they just starve to death? ”
(another totally honest, yet funny, line of dialogue from your protagonist.)

Edit note (only one):
“Jesus Christ, Carline, I told you – If the Charger(s) won a Superbowl, I’d f***ing know about it.”
(You missed an 's')

I also thought the repeat of the 'Nobody moved.' line was great. It gives the reader a feeling of the tension that exists between people, when they don't speak the same language or live, in any way, like the other. I like the ending, with the guy holding out a twenty dollar bill "Eh?" "Eh?" and trying to get a souvenir, cause "Those shirts must be worth something." LOL. This is a perfect example of normal people acting ignorantly in foreign lands, and not even really realizing it. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi C,
First, a couple edit notes:
Throughout the ride, some (of) the lights overhead begin to flicker
The weight of my eyelids grows
Scanning the others for inquiries (injuries I think)

Review:
HA I like it! Great descriptions, great use of vocabulary. The description was especially strong when you gave the details of the subway platform, as well as inside the train itself, I think people who have never even been on the subway will be able to draw a pretty clear image from your words.
I like the effect of having your first-person protagonist stop and say: "hey, you see that guy over there?" to the reader, and the reminder, later, where he says "Remember that guy...".This works well, with the ending.
I enjoyed the subtle reminder of actual reality with the sound of rain when he first gets down onto the platform, but then you let the story take over, allowing the reader a good period to get into the 'on the train' story before the ending. The ending was also very entertaining, I was reading along thinking, ok, and then he woke up, right? But you took it another way, and it made the story that much better. Good work!
Eli


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Sylvia's Revenge  Open in new Window.
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Snow,
I like your story, the revenge your protagonist gets on her cheating husband is great. The locksmith being on speed dial and Sylvia asking to have the doors rekeyed 'again' reveal that this may not be the first time she caught him cheating. Good description of the different colored crocs she puts her feet into, and the humorous scene of Sylvia walking into the closet after just getting out of bed.

A few edit notes for you:
muttered Sylvia setting(sitting) up and feeling

The door bell ring(rang)

and pour(poured) herself a glass of wine.
7
7
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi D.J,
Good first chapter, starts off strong and remains strong throughout. I like your main character, the man banished for accidental, shall we say, abuse of his power. The Sand God character was artfully created, his ability to turn into sand was well devised and well written. Very good visual description.
The all important opening line is very strong:
For Falroth, being alone was a lot like being with people, except there were fewer witnesses.
Great job there
I also liked some of the Sand God's dialogue, my favorite was:
“Falroth!” snapped Ancelin, cradling his jaw. “Alright look, let’s review what we’ve learned today. All Earth-shattering revelations aside, perhaps you recall my “crush you like a bug” speech?”
Good use of humor to keep the story alive and entertaining. I also liked the explanation of what a boat is, and how it was a simple way to show how much knowledge the Sand God has compared to Falroth's limited world view.

My only edit suggestion comes towards the end:

Well(,) I’ve got the same line, only I’m on the other side of it. Ever since the day I got my power(,) I’ve never been able to cross it. So I can’t just walk into town and explain the truth to everyone

I think these commas make the Sand God's short speech easier to read. Good job on this first chapter, I will be sure to check out the following chapters sometime soon.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Steve,
LOL, this was good, and it's true, it really isn't easy to write a joke. Your Inclusion of reviews in the piece was a great idea, they complement the humor in it well. Also, if you wrote all the reviews at the bottom of the page yourself, you're a comic genius.
Take care,
Eli
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Review of All For Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
LOL! I really enjoyed the twist. You pulled it off really well, when you said " She listened and nodded, sometimes stopping to pick up a flower or interesting blade of grass,"I knew something was up, and then boom! Good job. Some edit notes (Disclaimer: I'm not the authority on commas or grammar (Who is, you say? I've no idea.), but I can point out where, as a reader, I could have used an extra word, or a comma, so, here it goes)
Edit notes: (corrections in (parentheses))

...on the ceiling, we are going to (have) more holes up there...

The insinuation was(: or ,) she must not be much
Might use a colon(:) here, I think, not completely sure, honestly.

think this one moved the closer to the top of my favorite ones you make
(I get what your saying, but it's a bit unclear)

You are most welcome(,) Sir

At (the)back door to the garage he

Like she always did(,) near the fence(,) as he drove in to the yard.

His step was lighter and he didn't notice he was almost running around the back of the building and through the grass where she stood
(I'm not sure what exactly this needs, definitely a comma or two, possibly a bit of re-phrasing)

I like what you did here, I really enjoyed the twist.
Hope this helps,
Eli
10
10
Review of The Sound  Open in new Window.
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great story! Well paced and very entertaining. A few of the best parts include :

The father sending all the stuff from the attic and back yard "He sent Trigger" LOL!

"Along with the usual routine at the emergency room, I was teased over the fact that my tee-shirt had "I'M FEELING LUCKY" written across it " Great

This whole paragraph:
"Ten minutes later, I assessed the damage. Among other casualties, my college diploma had a large burn hole through its center, the left half of my birth certificate was gone.... It was about a foot in diameter, and there was no rubbing it out with a wet towel. No problem, I can put a plant over it."

"I had my head inside the dishwasher when my phone rang again."

"Already having been accused of being crazy, on a number of occasions, by both of my parents, I substituted a more believable story for the facts."
"I've got a gambling problem," I said.
While I waited, I had unpleasant memories of my childhood therapy sessions.
"Write this down," he finally ordered.

This last quote shows how succinctly you were able to put your main characters feelings and past into the story with out making the story stop for it, and with out needing to write pages and pages explaining it. The humor was strong, the writing was strong, the story was fantastic. Great job.
11
11
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Baka,
I like this piece, it was short and funny and had an unexpected twist. That is not easy to do in a few short sentences. I think this could easily be the start of a longer story if you wanted it to be. I like the "yes, I know, it's creepy" and of course, the ending. My only edit notes would be that you close the quote at the end of the story.
Good luck,
Eli
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Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Wow, I like it. Succinctly worded and true, this brief piece brings all the problems we are facing together, and could be seen as a bit depressing, but the truth usually is. The final lines, "Or, maybe you just want to do the Cha-Cha?..." lent this piece an air of humor and frivolity and was unexpected and fresh. Good job.
13
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Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jeannie,
I love that you wrote about the joy of reviewing, and about your experiences here at WDC. Reviewing is a great experience, and you're right, it not only helps the author you are reviewing, but helps your own writing in the process. Knowing which areas of a story I felt were strong and which I feel may have dragged a bit informs my own choices when I return to the old word processor. Your explanation of how you go about reviewing someone's piece is fantastic, thanks for sharing this.
14
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Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Marsha,
This piece has a lot of honesty and truthful emotions running through it. I love that the opening is also the closing, "I wonder if I'll really ever understand people." I think this is a question we all ask ourselves at one time or another, especially after dealing with the rude people you so accurately depicted. Having worked as a cashier for a large supermarket, I know how a kind word can go a long way when dealing with someone who's job is to deal with people all day. So often shoppers treat workers as a machine there for their convenience, and I believe this piece speaks to that. Also, I can relate to not being as willing to give family members the benefit of the doubt, and I'm sure many readers can. Well done.
15
15
Review of The Broken Goose  Open in new Window.
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Fyn,
Well written story, great use of flashbacks to show the meaning behind the name of the B&B your main character runs(as well as the name of the story.) Good visuals and use of the senses to paint scenes that feel real. Love the use of geese, especially the "they're not really Canadian geese" and "V after V of geese." I see this story has been up here for a while, but, if you haven't continued this yet, you should. Well done.

Edit notes:
, head low instead (of) high and long necked

"Yes, Mom or should I say “Grand.” We are pregnant! The baby is due at Christmas!
(end quote)

Good luck,
Eli
16
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Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well written piece, and your knowledge of the subject matter is apparent, which makes the story that much more real and exciting. I really enjoyed the imagery of the hiker's eyes popping out of their heads and bouncing down the rocks to join you. The ending was solid.
17
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Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting idea and very well writen, Isaiah. The main character is so innocent that you can't help but sympathize with what happens to him, and your writing from his POV is great. I like the introduction of the shady character smoking the cigarette and I felt that was where the story really took off. When I began reading, I did not expect our little robot friend to become a drug (or in this case blue oil) addict, and that is fantastic, it kept me on my toes and kept the story fresh. Another well writen story with a moral message.Well done.

A couple typos (both in the beginning of part 6):
He hadn’t sleep, and
The Professor knew that his son last seen in

Eli
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Review of Heartfelt Inertia  Open in new Window.
Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Keaton,
I like the set up of this poem, I believe it makes me read it more in line with the way it would sound to you. In other words, this has a natural flow to it that lends itself to spoken word. I feel as if it could be trimmed a bit, but I have trouble trying to point to anything that necessarily should be sacrificed, except to say that I like the idea of keeping the lines short but loaded with meaning. The five (or less) syllable lines have the most of that condensed power, if that makes sense.

Good luck,
Eli
19
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Review by Eli VanDyne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello Isaiah,
This was an interesting piece, I like the whole concept. The way it shows corporate greed and its affect on our conscience was great. There are some exchanges in the dialogue that feel honest and real.
I think you could dwell on the relationship between Phillip and his Guidance, before the old man comes and changes it, emotionally, I connected with the Guidance; I think all readers will, and, in my opinion, drawing on the sympathy of your readers for this character will add to the over all effect of the story. Just a few spots that you may want to edit:

This was due to the face(fact) that, in one’s lifetime, a majority of commerce

Phillip stood up. He opened (the door) a small crack

Phillip ran from his vault, but the door slammed shut in front of him
(sounds like he got out, and then the door closed infront of him, maybe use 'tried to run' instead of ran?)

Great idea here, and good job getting it on the page.

Good luck,
Eli
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