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Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing this poem!

Technically this poem isn't a haiku, it's a senryu. Haiku are about nature, where senryu are about people. I know this is semantics, but I'm hoping it's at all helpful.

You should also consider adding other genres to the labeling, such as emotional or relationship.

I quite liked the poem here though! Your syllable count is correct, your punctuation is correct (you even have a correctly used semicolon, and I love that), and the emotional meaning is very clear and straightforward. I think the title could be more compelling, but it's descriptive of what's in the poem, which means it's just fine in the grand scheme of things.

I'm glad I got to read this. Keep on writing!


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Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing this poem!

I think this is a really great subject for a poem, and I completely agree with the sentiment. Society is all too willing to support heroic imagery of the past, but quick to condemn people doing the same thing in a modern setting, while also ignoring those who are suffering most. I think your comparisons here are great, and I really like your use of the free verse form here.

You should consider adding more than just opinion to your genre list. Philosophy or politics would suit, and it might help you get more readers looking for this kind of poetry.

I do think the poem needs some work to be its absolute best, but I think that having content worth writing is the most important part, so you're more than halfway there. Your third line could use a question mark to keep the flow of the questions going. I think you should consider a rewrite of the fifth line. "if so. tell me what nobility is." This is an important demand in the poem, and a shift in how it's written, and I think the line itself could be stronger. Rewording this line to imbue it with more anger rather than matter of fact could really amplify the meaning here. Additionally, the line "I mean if the hood in the mask Robin stole from the rich and gave to the poor was noble." doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I'm not sure what the hood in the mask that he stole is referring to, as it seems to be alluding to Robin Hood mythos, but it doesn't quite make sense here. Rewording this line to be clearer would be really helpful. And your second to last line, "Or the fact that he was born of royal blood and I peasant does?" is also quite awkwardly worded, I personally got tripped up on "and I peasant does." Rewording this line to keep its same meaning but to be clearer could really improve the ending of the poem.

Overall, this poem is a great start. I think that topics like this are essential to poetry, and often are part of my favourite poems. Keep on writing!


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Review of Dismissed  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing this breakup poem.

This is a really solid poem, and even though I think it has room to grow, I also think it's really good as is. The title suits it well and draws the reader in. The closing verse is especially excellent, and I think it really drives home the overall mood of the poem.

I do think you've overused commas here, which I personally found quite distracting. I think there are a couple spots where you could reduce the punctuation. For example, "You loved and cared for me. Though, now I can’t say when." I think it could potentially read smoother if you shifted the punctuation to "You loved and cared for me, Though now I can’t say when." Or "My guess, I just gave up." could be "I guess I just gave up." Additionally, the more commonly used spelling would be "unfocused" not "unfocussed," although unfocussed isn't strictly incorrect so I wouldn't count it against you at all.

Overall, this is a really good breakup poem that manages to capture the feelings well. With a bit of tidying up, I think it could be a great poem.


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Review of Insomnia  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thanks for sharing this poem!

Thank you for including that it's a contest entry for the Writer's Cramp, that's very helpful. I would also suggest including the prompt that inspired this poem. I've written my share of insomnia-inspired poetry, so I can very much relate to this one. I really like your use of repetition here, which I think really captures the types of cyclical thoughts a person has when experiencing insomnia. I only have one real suggestion, which is that when you get to the lines "how long will/this trouble last?" I think that it would flow better if the line break were shifted to "how long will this/trouble last?"

Overall, this is an excellent insomnia poem, thanks for sharing!


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5
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thanks for sharing this poem and welcome to WDC!

Your poem is absolutely lovely. The free verse form works well here and flows nicely. I think self-worth and evaluating your own beauty is a perfect subject for poetry as well. I have just two small notes. The first has nothing to do with your skill as a writer, but you have this marked as "other" when it would be more appropriately marked as "poetry." Labeling it correctly might help you get more feedback from other readers. Secondly, while the entire poem flows really well and I generally enjoy your word choice here, the final line is a little clunky. I think removing "if so" may work to the poem's benefit.

This is an excellent poem overall, thank you again for sharing. Keep on writing!


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Review of 24 syllable poem  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

Thanks for sharing this poem! Thank you for including the contest prompt in the description, halcyon is such an interesting word to build a poem around. It's interesting to see that it's also a 24-syllable poem, which makes me think about trying my own hand at one! I do think it would be better if the poem had a proper title, but honestly that could be overkill for a 24-syllable piece. I may just be failing to piece something together, but I really don't understand the use of the word salad here, and I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of expression that I'm just not familiar with. Still, the poem itself is well put together, your syllable count is accurate, and "halcyon days" rolls off the tongue beautifully, especially in the broader context of this poem.

It's a solid poem overall, thanks for sharing it!


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Review of Solitude  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing this poem. I really like how you made use of the required words for your contest prompt, they feel very balanced with your own word choices. I do feel like the word situational is a little redundant here, but I also see how you're going for additional length on each line of this free verse, so I can see why you included it. I think it's really interesting how you've spent more lines talking about the negative side of being alone when the point of this poem seems to be the positives of being alone, but it makes me think of the feeling of not really wanting to be around people even when you're feeling lonely.

Overall, it's a very good poem!


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Review of Blood Test  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Happy account anniversary!

As someone who psychologically hates needles and physically does poorly during bloodwork, I have to say that this poem is very relatable! I was honestly a little nervous for this one because I find descriptions of needles and bloodwork to often be too much for me, but I've tried not to let this bias taint my review of your work in any way!

I really liked how visceral many of the descriptions are. Opening on shaking and a racing heart really paints a picture. I love that you engaged all the senses, capturing the smells, the pains and discomforts, the sounds, it all really brings the scenario to life. Honestly, some of this was nauseating to read, and I mean that as a compliment because it means you really captured the experience of getting a blood test done. I also really enjoyed your use of dashes, which I personally think is an underrated poetry punctuation.

I do have a couple of things that I'd like to suggest you consider to help gussy it up a little. The tourniquet is taut, not taught, which is an easy slip to make. I noticed that your rhyming here isn't very consistent. I think poetry can be great whether it rhymes or not, but you seem to switch back and forth between rhyming and not rhyming, and I think it would be better if there were consistency with this. My final thing to note in this regard is honestly a matter of taste more than anything, but I really didn't care for the line "This is no fun and I'm going to blow chunks." It's the expression of blowing chunks that just doesn't work for me personally, not in a serious poem (a comedic poem maybe). Obviously this is a matter of taste, and I am sure there are people who would love that line. My own feedback would include altering the line to reflect nausea in a way that's descriptive without being so colloquial to fit the tone of the poem a little better.

Overall, this is a really solid poem about a medical experience that so many of us struggle with. It's a great look into that physical and psychological discomfort that really captures the experience. I hope to read more of your poetry in the future!


Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

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Review of Writer's Block  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Happy account anniversary!

I think every person on this site has felt this way at one point or another. Sometimes a lot! It's a very relatable poem. I'm going to share my thoughts on it, but I'm definitely not judging too harshly! This is a work that got you through a writer's block, and I think that's so powerful. Any criticisms I offer are only to help work on shaping this or other poems, not a judgement.

First, I did love a lot of the word choices and imagery here. I especially enjoyed how you capitalised Writer's Bock/Writer's Hell, which I think really captures the experience of writer's block. The punctuation is pretty consistent for the most part, which I like. The rhyming scheme here is pretty solid too, and it doesn't feel forced (and it gets stronger as the poem goes on, in my opinion, with the strongest rhyme being in the final verse).

A few aspects could use some correcting or polishing. In your sixth line you say "stark ad blank" and I have to wonder if you meant "and"? In lines eleven and thirteen you use the word "stuck." This close together, I don't think the repetition works that well. I think the lines either need to be changed so that only one of them says stuck, or they need to be moved so that they're further apart (one near the beginning, one near the end) to add some feeling and momentum to the repetition. The ending of your fifth verse should also have a question mark.

Overall, I think this is a really solid poem about writer's block, especially considering it was most likely written during writer's block! I hope to read more of your poetry in the future.


Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

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Review of Dawn in Ibiza  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Happy account anniversary!

Dawn in Ibiza is a lovely poem, and one that has a lot of potential. I see that it was written on vacation, which is great! There's something about a new place that really just brings that out in us poets. I also love the title! It's clear and to the point while also being quite evocative.

The imagery here is absolutely lovely. I feel like you really captured the beauty and joy of dawn in any place, but especially in a place that is new to us, a place we came to as a visitor. I think you also really captured the feeling of curiosity and wonder at what a new day is going to bring, especially in a new place. I really enjoyed how your opening line has an exclamation point, which I felt really captured the sudden and wonderous experience of a sunrise, and that your ending line has an ellipses, which I felt really captured that wonder at what a new day will bring. Great work on these aspects! I also wanted to note that I liked the white chalk imagery here, which I think really captures the skyline of Ibiza (at least from what I've seen in pictures!).

There are a few suggestions I wanted to make to help take your poem to the next level. The opening line is great with the exclamation point, but you don't need the comma that follows it. Ney should be nay, and there should be a second comma after the word "second" there. At the end of the first verse, ending on "where darkness was" would fit better since darkness would match brightness and was would correct the tense issue. In your second verse, the first line ends with "no messing" which feels a bit clunky in the context of the rest of the poem, and I think the line should be reconsidered.

Overall, this poem is a lovely vacation poem that really captures its subject. Some added polish could really boost it overall. I hope to read more poetry from you in the future!


Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

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Review of Overachiever  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy account anniversary!

I see that your poem Overachiever was written for the Writer's Cramp, and I've taken that into consideration in my review. I can see from the bolded words which ones were part of the prompt. I think this is all around solid. Let's get into it!

I think the sense of humour here is cute and works well. You've made good use of the prompted words for this comedic poem. It's certainly a relatable one, I think most of us have felt this way at one point or another! It flows really well, and I'm a fan of the rhyming scheme you have going here, which feels natural while still being playful. There aren't any major spelling or grammar errors, and everything seems to work pretty well together here.

I think the main area in this poem that could use improvement is punctuation. These are only suggestions, it's just what I personally think about poetry in general and this poem in particular. I'm personally a big believer in the idea that poetry doesn't require proper or thorough punctuation, but it does require you to be personally consistent within a single work. With the question marks and exclamation marks you've used here, I think there are some spots that would benefit from commas or periods. In your second line, "Never say I!," I think it would read smoother if you added a comma after "never." I personally stumbled reading this line without the comma. Lines three and four would read smoother as "Plenty to do,/Why reach for the sky?" with the comma and question mark added. Several of the lines ending with no punctuation would read smoother and look more consistent with an added period or comma.

Overall, this is a really solid comedic poem that makes good use of a prompt! I think tidying up the punctuation consistency would really add some polish to it. I hope to read more from your portfolio in the future!


Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

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Review of On Beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this poem, which is absolutely lovely. The elaborate language and vivid imagery give it a taste of being almost of an older style, but the form is easy on a modern reader. The sounds described are almost audible and definitely evoke a natural symphony.

I would add that referring to chirps and whistles within the span of a few lines was a repetition that was a bit too quick to really hit the spot for me personally, as I feel like something repeated once might have done better to be done a bit further apart in the poem, an idea to circle back to. Additionally, I can't help but wonder: is the poem intended to be called On Beauty or The Symphony of the Morning?

Overall, this is a beautifully constructed poem that evokes what it describes easily and made for an exceptionally pleasant read.

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Review of Query Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Anthony!

I am happy to fulfill your request to review your query letter. You appear to have a great start here, with a good idea of what you'd like to do with a query letter (and your novel sounds very interesting, I might add). I have some feedback that I hope you will find helpful!

Generally speaking, the header of a query letter is going to have the name, position, publisher, and address for the person you are sending it to. That makes "I am contacting you because you represent XXX" a bit of a moot point, as you should be demonstrating that you know who they are, and they definitely know who they are. If you want to demonstrate that you did pick them out, try demonstrating more specifically that you know what they are looking for (such as if the editor is looking for a particular style or subgenre that matches what you have to offer).

Your first sentence about your book, in the first paragraph, is a good start, but could definitely be livened up a bit. It should also say the title right away. For example: "My new YA novel, Galveston, brings Texan history to life, with romance and adventure during the time of the 1900 Great Galveston Hurricane."

In your second paragraph, "his community feels should be illicit" is definitely on the passive side. This could be made active with minor alterations, like rewording to "illicit in his turn of the century community." The final sentence of this paragraph should not have a comma after both.

In your third paragraph, you don't need to describe Xavier's father as cold-blooded, it is implied. "But for this dad" should probably be reworded to "but for this father" for consistency. After "his son's existence" there should be a comma.

Paragraphs two and three can actually be in the same paragraph. The pitch doesn't need to be broken up for the query letter.

"The manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request" does not need to specify "in part or full." They will simply ask for it in part or full, and saying that it is available should imply that either option is a possibility. The closing can also contain any additional styles, themes, or tone in the novel that you think is important.

The query should also contain a small amount of information about yourself, as you are the author. This can include education, experience, where you're from, and anything that makes you the right person to tell this story, etc.

I hope that you are able to use some of my feedback. If you ever need any additional feedback, please feel free to ask. I think this is a really good start, and definitely sparked my interest in your novel.

Have a great day!

Elizabeth


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Review of Autumn Requiem  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have done something wonderful with the photo prompt here. The photo is almost unnecessary, as the imagery you evoke with your words alone is enough to see the picture clearly in my mind. I appreciated the notes at the end, especially as I was not familiar with the Decuain form, although you have definitely piqued my interest in it. You seem to have executed the form flawlessly. I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors, other than that in the ninth line, there should be a comma between soft and deft.

This is an excellent poem, and I enjoyed it a great deal. I realise it is a good few years old at this point, but I hope you did well in the contest it was in.


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Review of What Makes a Cat  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! You have a nice, simple poem in "What Makes a Cat," and overall I liked it.

The straightforward title suits the poem. The abcb rhyming scheme works well for what you have here. I don't see any grammatical or spelling errors, other than that additional punctuation could be added at the ends of many of the lines (although that isn't really necessary in a poem of this style).

You have described a cute image of a cat really well. It is a bit too simple to evoke any real emotions or contemplation, but it is a relaxing read, with good imagery.

I hope that you found it as pleasant to write as I found it as pleasant to read.


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Review of Sacrifices  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi HuntersMoon!

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


This is a really beautiful tribute to an aging veteran. I think you captured all of this really well, and it was a pleasure to read this poem.

The language used here is incredibly evocative, and I could picture the scene as you described. The form here works really well. It's a good length for the imagery and emotion you've presented. The rhyming scheme here works really well within the poem, and it doesn't feel forced at all. The seventh stanza was my favourite; I thought the language used here was the strongest emotionally, where the others created more mental images than feelings.

I don't really have any points for improvement here, as the poem is really well done. I hope it did well in the contest it was for. My only point for consideration would be the title. While sacrifice was certainly a point within the poem, it didn't feel like a focus of it, and a different title might be more suitable.

Overall, this was a really well done poem. As the daughter of a veteran, I certainly felt you did justice to those who served in the military. The writing and content are both top notch. I look forward to reading more of your work here on WDC.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

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Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Rhyssa!

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


I don't have diabetes, but I do have some serious health problems myself, and this really struck a chord with me.

The emotion here is really well expressed, and the language used drives it all home. I'm especially fond of the repetition in the seventh stanza. The expression of medical fears as a luxury really hit home for me. The feelings of longing to escape the inescapable, of wanting to be able to keep your illness to yourself, of wanting to to just have the simplest of things, your health, is really well expressed here, and I related to a lot of it.

The title could probably use some altering. Even something as subtle as simply shortening it to "Tired of Blood" might make it a bit more concise and pack more of a punch. The overall form could stand to undergo some mild alterations to make it flow a bit more smoothly, for example, altering some of the lines that are overly short or long without adding any additional impact.

I thought this was overall a really good poem, that I found easy to relate to. It gave me something to think about, and I like that. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

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Review of The Solemn Vow  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi April!

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


I adore this poem. I have a special place in my heart for historically based poetry, as both a lover of history and a lover of poetry, so this really hooked me in from the start.

I really enjoy your use of iambic tetrameter, which made for a really good flow, and matched the poem's subject matter and setting quite nicely. The rhyming scheme was well done, and none of the rhymes felt forced. The overall form just felt really natural. I enjoyed the historical setting, the accompanying image of plague masks, and that it was specifically dated to a particular plague. The language used suited the poem's style and subject. The twist ending resurrection was well done.

There isn't much room for criticism here, as the entire thing was well done. The description of the poem could have hinted a little more to the contents (plague) to draw the audience in, or perhaps the title could have. The image caught my attention more than either the title or description did.

Overall, I basically liked everything about this. The form and narrative work together to perfection. The tone and style suited everything wonderfully. I look forward to seeing more of your poetry around WDC.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

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Review of I Remember You  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Miashay, and welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy yourself here.

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


This is a really lovely, touching little poem. I recently had a death in the family, and I relate to this a lot. It makes me think of my own recent experiences.

The emotion here is expressed very well. It made my heart ache to read, which is definitely a good thing here. The repetition used helps with the flow, and makes for a more powerful read. It's easy to feel similar thoughts going through your mind over and over when you lose someone, and this is expressed very well here. The juxtaposing of loss and remembrance is played out beautifully.

As far as the actual form of the poetry here, it's really good for the most part. The only critique I can offer is that syllable count might be something worth paying attention to. Some of the lines vary drastically in length, which makes them feel a little bit off when read aloud. Shortening some of the lengthier lines in particular might help them read a little more smoothly. The shortest lines work well as is, as they pack a big emotional punch in small bites.

Overall this was a really heart wrenching poem that touched me in particular because I relate to it so strongly. These emotions are what poetry is for. I hope to see more of your work here at WDC.

Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

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Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Joy of Florent

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


The "Lady's Slipper" orchid is incredibly beautiful, and your sweet little sedoka has paid lovely tribute to an equally lovely flower.

I appreciated that you included an explanation of a sedoka for those who might not be familiar with the form--the best way to learn a new form is, after all, to see it in action. I enjoy your use of language here a lot. "White light," "solitude," "refuge," "champagne," "bubbles," "bewitched" are all words that create the particular imagery of a love poem written to a small piece of nature, serving as a concise but beautiful ode to nature and to beauty itself.

There aren't many points for improvement that I might suggest. The poem might read better if each line stood more on its own, rather than trailing from one line to the next, but this is simply a matter of preference on my part. I think aesthetically a different word than "chanting" might be better used. In the same line as "champagne" I felt as though I should be reading the "ch" sound the same way between the two words, although this is not the case. This line might read a little more naturally if the sounds didn't seem as if they ought to match--a word like "singing" or "hymnal" might serve the same purpose, and with the same number of syllables, but without the the same mental stumbling block.

Overall, this is a really strong, lovely poem. Any critiquing of it feels more like nitpicking. It certainly makes me curious about your more recent works. I look forward to seeing more of your writing.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

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Review of A GRUESOME CHASE  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Alexandra, and happy account anniversary!

I have a special fondness in my heart for narrative poems, and a special fondness in my heart for all things historical, so I'm really glad that I stumbled across your poem. It definitely makes me curious as to what contest inspired such a piece.

The poem flows quite nicely. The two rhyming couplet stanzas work quite nicely, especially to convey a story in a straightforward but poetic manner. The specific historical facts included give the poem extra life, and don't feel unnatural or unnecessary at any point. I am impressed that you managed to rhyme paragon and Aragon; I thought that was a really creative rhyme that fit the poem perfectly. The punctuation, grammar, and spelling all appears to be accurate, which I think is important for a narrative poem.

The line "The frustrated King looked for another.j" appears to have an added "j" that needs to be removed from the end of it. The two weakest rhymes are "fears" rhyming with itself, and "letter" and "vendetta" which don't quite rhyme. If these two spots were updated with some slight rewording to improve the rhymes, it might read a little better. It's also worth noting that perhaps instead of "other" as a genre, you could put "history."

Overall, this was an absolute delight to read, and I'm glad I came across this. I hope you continue to share poems like this here on WDC.

Elizabeth

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Review of Anchor  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello D.R.N., and welcome to WDC! I hope you find yourself liking it here.

Anchor serves quite nicely as a straightforward brokenhearted poem. I really enjoy the sea analogy, as I think that the sea is an accurate thing to compare just about any sort of love to. The formatting is easy on the eyes, and suits the style of the poem. I appreciated how you used the opening line of each stanza to build up a rhythm (a steady rhythm that almost reminds me of the ebb and flow of waves crashing against the shore). You have captured the desolate feeling of a loved one leaving us for another quite well.

Some specific things to consider as notes for improvement would be two specific word choices. "Unseemly" seems to fit really poorly with the context of the stanza, and I am wondering if you perhaps meant "seamlessly." Although the two words are similar in appearance, they have very different meanings. "Amongst the stars" also seems a little bit off, and I am wondering if you meant something more along the lines of "Beneath the stars" since the poem has its focus on the ocean rather than the sky.

As a whole, this is a really lovely poem, and a good start to your time here at WDC. I hope you decide to stay and share more of your poems with us.

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Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I have given this a thorough read through, as you have requested, and compiled my thoughts for you. I apologise for taking a few days after your request, I wanted to be sure I could be as helpful as possible, so I took more time than usual. I've tried to provide as much feedback as I can. Take it or leave it as you see fit. I hope some of it is helpful to you.

First and foremost, I would like to note that it appears you have labelled your intro as being "non-E". This means that the little blurb about it ("Years of hiding are ruined when Branston is found by his pursuers, and a questionable ally") is not suitable for all audiences. It is! The story may be 13+ (which seems fitting), but the intro is E. If you rate it non-E, it can effect where it is listed around the site and decrease the number of people who see it. As WDC says: "A Non-E rated intro is not suitable for everyone of any age. There may be references to sex, drugs, alcohol, violence, cursing, derogatory names or any combination thereof. These titles are displayed for all members who have their rating preferences set to also include GC and above." The intro rating only applies to the intro. I noticed that you're new to WDC (welcome, btw!), so I thought you might not be aware of this. If you update the intro rating, your work should be seen by more people.

I would like to say that the story is really intriguing to start off with. I see that you have other chapters here on WDC, and I have bookmarked them to be read and reviewed as well, as I'm curious to see where this is going. The story is exciting, easily understood, and leaves just enough obscured to keep me wanting more. It definitely has me interested in the story you want to tell so far. At this point, it definitely seems that the story is the strong point, and it's the technical aspects that need a bit more refining. I enjoy your dialogue, which seems natural, and gives me more insight on the characters I am reading about.

I do have one small detail to nitpick. An arrow, even without an arrowhead, would likely still have punctured skin, especially the shot to the back of the knee. The arrow would be underweight, so it would fly faster. It would also likely not be good for the bow due to the weight difference. An archer who is so apparently talented would (a) know that he would likely do leg damage, possibly long term, and (b) would not want to risk any unnecessary strain on what appears to be the only bow he's carrying. If he had something to throw, that might be more realistically effective without doing permanent/long-lasting damage to Branston's knee. I did see that he felt the pain after, but it didn't prevent him from standing, crouching, or running, and it seems likely that it would.

On to spelling, grammar, and word choice. For the most part, everything you have to say is easily understood, even when there are small errors. You mainly need to work on refining and polishing at this point for chapter one. I have broken down the small errors I noticed into points, that way they can be read a bit more easily.
-In the very beginning you have used the word "clopped." While this is a perfectly fine word, it indicates a certain sound that likely wouldn't be prominent on a snow covered path.
-"His started, he heard the snow behind him crunching, and he let go of his bow to grab the knife that hung from his belt." I think you meant to say "He started" at the beginning of this sentence, but I'm not certain.
-Of the first six paragraphs, four of them start with he/his. It might read a bit more nicely if you played with your sentences to change this up.
-"Branston spoke, careful not to knick his throat on the blade, "Krassos sent you."" The second comma here should be a period, and the proper spelling in this instance is "nick" rather than "knick."
-"The third man yanked off Branston's gloves and his squinty eyes widened. "Yes, sir. This's him."" There should be a comma after "gloves." "Squinty" is perhaps not a good choice of word here, as it's not really a proper word. "His squinted eyes widened" might be a more appropriate word choice here.
-"The man behind Branston slammed into him and fell backwards dragging Branston down with him." This sentence should have a comma before the and.
-The paragraph that starts with "Branston's heard only the wind at first," should be corrected to reflect that "Branston heard" the sound, rather than "Branston's heard."
-"The rider wore a tall steel helmet that hid his face, but he had a crossbow aimed at Faldasir, and he was drawing closer and closer..." Here you've put Faldasir instead of Faldashir.
-In the fourth from last paragraph you've said the horse is "screaching;" the proper spelling here is "screeching."

Overall, this is a really enjoyable story that just needs to go through a more careful editing process a couple times. Don't take this as bad news, it means you have a great start. I've given you a 3.5 star rating, but I'd be happy to come back and give it a higher rating if you let me know when the minor errors have been corrected.

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Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!

As a whole, this is a pleasant little piece of poetry. Your layout is really well done, although I admit to having a preference for four line stanzas, especially with an abcb rhyming scheme. Your words seem to be well chosen, so the work flows with a pretty use of language. The poem does feel perhaps a bit saccharine, but I personally don't feel that really hurts it. I am wholeheartedly of the opinion that sometimes poems should indeed be saccharine. It really does evoke the most happy thoughts of love, and I definitely needed that at the moment.

The title may need a bit of work, as right now it feels a bit wordy, as well as not fully evocative of the emotion that the poem itself conveys. The second stanza has an unnecessary apostrophe after "whose" which could be removed without being replaced. The third line of the second stanza starts out with "is" which doesn't really fit the grammatical structure. The previous line ends with a period, so the line might read better as "It's shaded by some old oak trees" instead. The fourth line of the third stanza could also stand to have a slight change of wording, due to some slightly off grammar. "And take in that is new" might read better as "And take in that which is new" or "And take in what is new."

This is a really lovely, pleasant little poem overall, and I hope to see more work from you! I definitely love opening WDC to such lovely love poems.

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Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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This is a pretty little poem, and definitely worth the moment it took me to read it. I do have a soft spot for love poems, and this one is absolutely lovely. It does get a bit trite in places, but sometimes feelings can be a bit trite.

My favourite line was "A spirit that guides me through life’s hardships." It's well worded, and I personally relate to it from the perspective of my own relationship. The final verse definitely feels like the strong point of the whole poem. Other than maybe the use of the word "devour." Devouring someone's mind, body, and soul sounds almost more violent than affectionate.

Some of the punctuation here could definitely use some work. The ellipses don't really seem necessary at any point throughout the poem. The semi-colon in the second verse also seems unnecessary, and the exclamation point at the end of the verse seems to add to the triteness.

The second verse overall is the main weak point of the poem. Besides the punctuation, you also use "united" and "enduring." It might read better if it were changed to united/endured or uniting/enduring.

As a whole, this is a really nice love poem that I enjoyed. It could use some work, but it's definitely more good than bad.

Keep on writing!


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