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135 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

Greetings Fyn Author Icon


I select an item to review in many different ways and for different reasons that vary from day to day. Will it be random, most recent, or do I search a person's port for just the right match? Today, this review comes to you because I read your poetry newsletter and in fact read it more than once and found it enjoyable and useful in my ongoing pursuit to understand the poetic. Thank you very much.

From this I decided I must read a poem by someone who is "passionate for poetry." A little passion always wins out over a lot of blasé. And what could be better than a poem about poetry? Here are some of my thoughts as I read "PoetryOpen in new Window.. Conveniently, it is also an M2M review.

*Burstr* Initial impression:
Wow! My senses are bombarded with alliteration, and I like that. What a pleasure to read and at the same time find writing inspiration within. As soon as I finish this review I am eager to launch on a new poetic adventure.


*Burstb*Poetic elements:
I've already mentioned alliteration but to elaborate: "soaring, sounds, swirling, shimmering, sparkling, and shivers," in a single meaningful sentence that forms a single stanza is delightful. Another favorite set includes: "where, wiggling, wend, words, written," or "tears, smiles, and torn, similes." I could go on, but I must point out that the feature of greatest importance is not simply a collection of alliterative words, but instead how the words are artfully placed to flow effortlessly from the page. It pleases the eye when read silently and the ear when read aloud (like a vocal symphony).


*Burstb*Good metaphors:
"mind's tongue, oozing texture," etc.


*Burstb* Content:
Captures what a poem should be. Enough said.


*Burstr* Overall:
I have nothing to complain about or question in this review. Anyone who reads this review and has any interest in poetry should click on the link to it and read "PoetryOpen in new Window.. Trust me, it is a most pleasant read. In conclusion I quote: "ah, but this, this is a poem."



This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

A personal M2M sig






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of the same moon  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Greetings christo Author Icon

I review poetry because it intrigues me with endless variety.   I find reviewing free verse especially difficult because the idea of what it is and how it is best accomplished is determined by the poet. With that in mind, here are some of my thoughts in an M2M review.

*Burstr* Impression:
I looked into your port to find something to review and found a dilemma--which of three of your recent poems should I review? They all contain themes to capture my imagination: one about the sea, one that dealt with rain and one concerning the moon. After reading all three I chose to review "the same moonOpen in new Window.. The ideas that intrigued me in this poem are: reflecting light from the same object observed by at least two individuals a great distance apart, time and experience shared and laughter traveling through space. Captivating thoughts joined through poetry.


*Checkb* Rhythm/Flow:
The rhythm and voice that I hear, as I read, reflects the softness of thoughts mingling with moonlight. I like the way the words flow from start to finish. It's only when I begin to analyze the thoughts as expressed through word choice and placement that I find uncertainty. I understand what is being said but in a few places it causes me to hesitate.

As I read the first sentence I got to the end word (there) and had to reverse back to the middle of the sentence to understand. I would recommend placing the word there after the word which . Then the thought follows naturally, i.e. "here, dashing . . . which, there, lays softly . . ."

I understand the indented part of the second stanza and think it works well as you move closer into the narrator's immediate thoughts. I don't think the parenthesis fits here nor does it add anything and I believe it would be better to leave it out in this case.

I assume that using the word alone twice in close proximity is for the purpose of emphasis since it is not needed. It might provide greater emphasis to repeat it in the same way, i.e. "alone in crowds, or alone in bed. . . ." However it does not bother me the way it is and of course it is your call.

At the beginning of the third stanza you reaffirm that this is the same moon as if you might be answering a question that was posed earlier, but there is no question in the way it is stated in the first stanza. I wonder if it would strengthen the poem to form the first stanza as a question by starting with "is this."


*Checkb* Imagery/Mood:
The imagery is original, powerful and vivid bringing the theme to life in the readers mind. Time, distance, aloneness, laughter and light are brought together and we find comfort in the mutually sharing of these ideas.


*Burstr* Overall:
This is a superb poem as is. The idea, imagery, voice and quiet emotion are splendid. I believe it could be so much more through a few minor adjustments. Review word choice and order, line beaks and how it affects the importance of the words, and check for clarity and continuity of thought. A masterpiece in the making, keep up the good work.



This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, especially free verse, but I read and comment with my sincere best effort.

A personal M2M sig





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Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Rooker Author Icon

Welcome to WDC, a community of writers to encourage and support your writing efforts no matter where that might lead.
I review poetry because it intrigues me with endless variety. To Review a first poem is a glimpse of fresh potential variety.    Here are some of my thoughts as I read ""The Start of Something?"Open in new Window.

*Burstbl* Impression:
If you hadn't told me I would not have known that this was a first attempt. It has a quality that makes me want to read it over many times.


*Checkb* Rhyme/Rhythm/Flow:
Some poems are served by a consistent Rhyme and meter. I like the way you combine consistency within each stanza and introduce variation from one to another. There are a few tiny inconsistencies in places that are quite easy to adjust if you wish: for example the flow of line 4 causes me to pause. I would try changing the beat through the number of syllables or perhaps by replacing "the" with a type of tide (e.g. flood, ebb, spring, etc.). Specificity is usually not a bad thing. Also, in line 22 I would consider changing "and the" to either one or the other, not both.


*Checkb* Imagery/Mood:
Excellent use of words that form pictures in my mind. Perhaps there is a hint of how it all comes together in the last stanza. I find comfort in "To those we hearken - whose hearts never darken. Thinking of the title, "The Start of Something?" I puzzle the question. The last line leaves me wondering, to the end of what? Maybe "To the end of time.


*Burstbl* Overall:
This is an excellent first poem, or to bring it into better perspective, it would be a fine one-hundredth poem. I look forward to reading your future poems.



Please take my comments not as truth with a capital T but only as my thoughts and my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

Cheers,

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

I review things that I like and can relate to in some way.   Poetry intrigues me because it comes with so much variety.   Here are some of my thoughts as I read "Ode to the Mosquito Who Bit Me in CreteOpen in new Window.

*Burstbl* Opinion/Impression:
Jellyfish, I like your style. This poetic story has humor, conflict and resolution. It brings a smile that lasts a Cretan mile. (or should I say kilometer)
The title tells me that it happened in Crete, but the body of the poem doesn't mention it. I'm left to wonder, why is that important? Overall a fine poem, that with a little tightening would be even better.


*Checkb* Rhyme:
The rhyme in the second and fourth line of each stanza varies from perfect (sleeping-creeping) to general (world-girl). The rhyme does not add or take away from the overall enjoyment of the poem.


*Checkb* Flow:
Tends to be slightly irregular, but when read out loud and the pauses are placed where they would normally fall, it has a pleasant and appropriate flow.


*Checkb* Imagery:
You paint a picture that I can readily relate to. My experience with the little buggers allow me to feel strong empathy.


*Checkb* Mood:
Excellent and fitting to create a pleasurable read.


*Burstbl* Overall:
I've read a lot of poetry in recent days, but none that I enjoyed more than this. I would like to read the companion poem from the mosquito's point of view.



This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

A personal M2M sig







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Alynn,

I liked this story when I read it several days ago and decided to revisit it with an M2M review.

First impression

This story points out a reality of war known only by a minority, who sacrifice for a complacent and unknowing majority. It’s an important story and you effectively tell it in the first person from the point of view of an eight year old. You bring us into the eight year old world through sketches that show her thoughts and actions. It might help the reader to reveal that she was a girl in the beginning since I had to guess about that one.

Thoughts

I know this was written for the Cramp Contest and it was written in a day, but with a little polishing I think it could really shine. How to do that is the hard part. I would try turn some of the narration into little scenes that would give the reader a better feel for being included in the action. Slow the pace for more important parts with detail and use narration to provide background and connective material between the scenes.

Suggestions

I have no business doing this, but here’s an example of how I would rewrite the first paragraph to pick up the pace:


”Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Cocoa Pebbles?” In his freshly pressed Air Force uniform my father stood with hands on his hips.

What if chose the wrong one? “Daddy can I mix them and have both?” I asked. Grammy had taught me whenever presented with a choice always say both…just in case. That way I couldn’t get it wrong.

“(insert name) make up your mind or we’ll all be late.” My mother said, while she poured her second cup of coffee.

“Can I try them all?”

“Definitely not. If you don’t get started, you won’t have time to eat.”

I was certain that being 8 years old was so much more difficult than they could ever understand.

Overall

A good story that has more potential. Let me know if you decide to make any changes so I can come back and reread it. Keep on writing.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




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Review of An Hourglass  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Connieann,

After checking your port I chose "An Hourglass" for an M2M review. What a stimulating subject.

Thoughts

As I opened this poem I had a picture in my mind that it would be formatted into the shape of an hourglass. I should try harder to avoid preconceived ideas. What I found instead was Zen-like wisdom. I can see sitting quietly, studying an hourglass at work and relating the idea to our daily path through time. A rather calming notion.

Overall

This poem is like a tiny orchid sitting on the windowsill. A glance during the daily rush yields a modest result. The true beauty comes through with a closer contemplative gaze. A thoughtful and thought provoking poem to meditate on.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

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Review of Morning Brew  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi WhoMe

Coffee! This poem is a reminder that I should write a poem about something as important as coffee.

Thoughts

There is great art in creating impact from a few well chosen words. Morning Brew does this by introducing an idea in each line, which builds toward the final line, which sums up the whole. (An idea that I can visualize and identify with) I have long been a Haiku enthusiast, but today I became an admirer of the cinquain.

Process

The combination of adhering to the strict syllabic form and the irregularity of the meter fits the poem quite well.

Overall

Concise, wastes nothing. Another fine poem by WhoMe.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.
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8
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Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Magoo, this is a winner.

The ever popular superhero challenges our sense of right and wrong, good and evil, is invincible in most situations, but always has to watch out for his Achilles heel.

Thoughts

I think this poem captures my imagination because Captain Banana Peel was on the cover of one of my comic books when I was in the third grade. You have painted a vivid picture for those of us who grew up on a diet of superheroes and villains. The white cape is quite appropriate, but I questioned the brown of his suit until I tried to think of a color that rhymes with city.

With the affirmation, "The cheating chumps will go to jail," I know all is right with the world.

Process

Good title, right form and length. Your rhyme and rhythm is without flaw.

I would try to persuade you to rethink your brief description. "A short and silly poem" may be correct, but I would prefer to see a more creative description that draws the reader in. For example, if the title were Mighty Mouse the description would read: "Here he comes to save the day."

Overall

I love the poem and read it many times. Captain Banana Peel rocks.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*





9
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Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi BScholl

While idly winging my way through the space of WDC this morning, I found this story. After reading, I couldn't let it go without dropping a few comments.

Comment

The moral dilemma posed by the story is not sermonized, but nevertheless strongly makes it's point. The student gets the wrong lesson, the principal backs down on his principles for a short term gain and the reader is left to contemplate the quandary of achieving a result by questionable means.

Suggestion

I had to work to find something in the story where I could suggest improvement. The one sentence that I stumbled over was: "He punched in a few figures and the sound the 'kerchunk' of the machine filled the office." I think I would revise to simply say, "the 'kerchunk' sound of the machine."

Overall

You are a master of flash fiction and this is a great example.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.
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10
10
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Amanda

I have to admire your efforts to write a short story with the restrictions of 100 words and no repeats. Maybe I could write a short story with 100 repeats.

Thoughts

I have known many with obsessions but Amanda's obsession is unique. The story has to grab your attention.

My question: Is this an exercise that can teach a lot? You must have been searching for unique words and it seems you found the right ones.

Process

With the indented paragraph beginnings and a couple of stray spaces it seemed to be a little loose on the page. Maybe that was intentional to fit the story. Since you added a space between paragraphs I would prefer the tighter cleaner left alignment.

Overall

Wacky, witty and very good. Hope you won the contest.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.
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11
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Review of FRED AND COCO  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi WhoMe, Fred and Coco

This is a great poem, succeeding on several levels.

Thoughts

If I had read only the poem without knowing the form or getting the explanation, I would have liked it anyway for its sound and imagery. The fact that it is a mirrored acrostic steps it up a notch and the explanatory text gives us more insight to smile about. Ordinarily I subscribe to the opinion that a poem should stand on its own and anything further is superfluous. Not so, in this case.

It would be difficult to present this anecdotal introduction to pets in a better way. You brought them to life in our minds and gave us something to smile about.

I can't think of any way to improve the mirrored acrostic. Makes me want to try one.

Overall

I like the poem. I like the prose. I like the dogs. Thanks for sharing. Well done.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.
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12
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Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Than

There are always captivating things to be found in the "Simply Positive Review Forum Open in new Window. and this is no exception. I've had this same definitions discussion with adults, and it produced less clarity than your five-year-old's thoughts.

Opinion

If this story doesn't produce a chuckle, someone's not paying attention. Great title that many can relate to, since minds are usually active over morning cereal. This is an enduring and endearing story with lively, believable dialogue and just enough description to bring it to life.

A small suggestion: Since openings are so important, I would put more description and color into the first paragraph. "It is late summer outside, nearing 8:00am" seems a little bit flat for this colorful story.

Overall

Enjoyable read. Keep up the good work.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.
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13
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Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Jaya and

*Candleb**Candleb**Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev**Candlev**Candlev*

Congratulations on three years and going strong. I selected this poem for an anniversary review because I think it displays your strengths and a side of your writing spirit that everyone should know.

Thoughts

The first reading of "Earth, my safe haven" reveals a depth and range of thought that invites further examination. Since an anniversary review should be special, I read through a number of times to analyze rhythm, message and selection of words separately. It excels in all areas. I find the alliteration pleasing and not overdone. Favorite sentence fragment: "clear skyline of divine dawns and soulful sight of the star studded heavens. . ."

From the gods to poets to the personal, the poem laments what has transpired but ends with the consoling thought that one can still appreciate the enchantment or "the gentle breath of earth." Beyond the words it implies that the beauty of the earth would be secure if everyone adopted this approach.

Overall

This is a deeply written and deeply felt poem that flows beautifully and leaves the reader richer for having read it. It will stay with me and I highly recommend that everyone read it.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.
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14
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Review of Addiction  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi David,

I found your items on the Simply Positive Review Forum and raided “The Plan” for the good ideas you put into it, but when I read under writing style in your bio that you said you were not a poet, I decided I must review “Addiction.”

Opinion

By my definition you are a poet. You have developed a rhythm and repetition and built a pleasant set of words and lines around an idea that becomes enjoyable and memorable to read. The last line is priceless and says it all.

Process

About the only way I can comment on free verse is if it sounds and feels good, it must be good. It does. There are two lines that do not place the subject at the beginning. I’ve already commented on the last line and it is perfect. The third line, third stanza is different and therefore stands out. Because of that you might consider altering it to conform or place it at the beginning of the stanza to strengthen the idea of change.

Overall

I enjoyed reading it and think it makes a strong point.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

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15
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Review of River  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Marc,

I browsed through some of your poems before I settled on this for my M2M review. For some reason, on this spring day, it stirred up the most thoughts.

Thoughts

This is a feeling poem, where a pause and reflection, on a word or a phrase, yields a different meaning for each reader or each reading. It shines at a thoughtful slower pace. I like the one word line at the beginning suggesting the movement/change and the last line that completes the circle.

Suggestions

Since it’s my nature to tinker, if it was my poem, these are things that I would do or think about:

I would drop “the same” from the line “Yet the destination remains the same.” It seems unnecessary unless it is there for the meter.

I would consider placing a few breaks to encourage a thoughtful pause where the river takes a new bend. (Maybe after lines 6, 10 and 13)

Even though much of poetry is the sound of the words, I think the placement of words on the page can influence the reader. I would play around with that by placing varying spaces before each line to reflect something like the flow of the river.

Overall

I find this theme totally fascinating and like the perspective you’ve given it. Well done.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort. Please consider the suggestions as my musings as a reader to use or discard as you wish.

Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*





16
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Review of Before 8 November  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature

Hi tHiNg,

Romantic poet I'm not, but I know one when I see it.

Opinion

To me, the poem is a jewel of consistent rhyme, meter and theme. The symbolism is clear and full of meaning.

Reading "November 8" out loud reveals its artistic strength .
         The first lines: "Was there a day I didn't know - a time I didn't see -an hour I didn't fret - a moment stuck in time?"
         The last lines: "November 8 was but the start - December leaves behind the cold - March storms blow winds another day - Together, not to stay alone."

The title, November 8, captures and directs the reader's attention to the core of the poem. It's probably just me, but within the body of the poem I would prefer spelling out "November eight."

Form

The four line, four verse structure suits the poem well, etching the words in my mind as I read. The impact comes from the question and comment of the first three verses followed by the essential question of the poem; "Was our destiny in stone?"

Overall

An enchanting quality that leaves a lasting impression. Three cheers!

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




17
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Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature

Hi BBW,
The title of this item grabbed me, demanded that I read it and wouldn't let go without a review.

Opinion

To review or not to review, That is the question. Three options: avoid the challenge, dive bomb it or "try and give it an honest review." What appeals to me about your discussion of option three is that it deals with the most problematic part of the review, the rating. I like the idea of developing a point system for determining a rating. I suspect many raters give their overall summation and then quickly roll that into whatever numerical value seems to fit. Having a comprehensive list of parts, that can be rated separately to produce the total, seems much more fair-minded.

I disagree with "Look at everything but the one scene." Perhaps you could say "Don't focus on the one scene." That scene should be taken into account but as a reviewer decide how much weight to give it and what to say about it. If you decide that you have a personal bias against it, it's okay to say so. That's another part of being honest.

Overall

Although your essay is about items you find distasteful, it can apply to reviewing in general. I'm glad I came across it since it has already helped me in thinking about future reviews. Thank you.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




18
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Review of More About Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature

Hi Sherri,
I'm going to review an item written by a moderator with an impressive resume and (899) by her name. And the article is sharing her personal thoughts about friendship, charity and following one's heart. I'm speechless, what can I say about that? Oh well, here goes.

Opinion

Reviewing this item invites a comparison to "A Bit About Me," the who, what, when and why for an introduction to a WDC group. You pulled that one off with the right amount of information, thoughts and feelings. "More About Me" is a good follow-on for those persons who are probing deeper into the question of "what do you really think." It deals more with ideas on friendship and participation in WDC. I am impressed with your thoughts and your example for dealing with other WDCers.

So, I have a small hint of what SHERRIGIBSON SP EGGSTRASPECIAL is about. "There you have it. This is me." is clearly an understatement. I would suggest changing that wording and follow it with an invitation to learn more by reading your novels.

Overall

It is a difficult thing to write about oneself in a few well chosen words for access by an unknown reader. You have done well. It is inspirational and I thank you for making it available and allowing me to review it.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




19
19
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature

Red, this is timeless.

Opinion

If this doesn't strike a chord where it stings, one hasn't been using enough ML. On the other hand if it happens too often, maybe that would warrant a peek at the ML preview button.

Process

I checked to see if you were guilty of overusing ML. Nope, just right!

Overall

This is a funny, poignant article. We could use more like this.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




20
20
Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature

Hi Bailey,
Without a doubt your short story creates a powerful mood of the devastation that a young girl feels for the loss of someone she loves.

Opinion

You have categorized this as a short story. To me, a short story contains a single situation, a crises and a resolution that plays out in a limited time period. I can see this in your story. A girl happily in love - the loved one dies - she pledges her eternal love. I like the symbolism of the flowers, the carnation a symbol of undying love, and the red tulips exemplifying the perfection of the love. There is so much more that we are not told.

At just under five-hundred words it is short for a short story and could be easily expanded. I am comfortable with the girl's character since we are seeing things through her eyes and know her thoughts and feelings. However, we are told very little about the object of her love. It would help the reader to form a more complete picture if you could include a some specifics of the girls memories. A few details would go a long way.

The other possibility is that this would work well as the prologue for a novel. It introduces a character and situation that the reader would like to know more about.

Overall

You have shown a talent for generating emotion within your reader. Keep up the good work.

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




21
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Review by Sharkdaddy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature

Disclaimer

This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort. I'm putting my disclaimer at the beginning of this review because it will cover a review of both the author of the story and the voice that speaks to us in the prologue (hereafter referred to as "the Voice").

Opinion on the Prologue

This is an excellent prologue to a story. First, because it introduces a character, the Voice, that we want to know more about. Second. because the Voice is talking about something that we have all thought about and have opinions on. And, finally, because it contains a terrific hook, the experiment.

The only thing I would suggest altering is the line "I had none." At this point we don't know who is talking, but I think the Voice is saying, I was not given that choice that I would offer to you. If that is so, it would be clearer to say, "I had no choice."


Comments on "The human condition" as expressed by the Voice

And now, I would like to run off the mouth about being special, with a few remarks to the Voice. The thesis of your essay is a subject of utmost significance. We ARE all special, just like everybody else. What we want is to achieve recognition by others of how special we are. Anyone who wants to understand personal motivation must consider this notion of wanting to be recognized as special.

Using Rutherford's work as an example of the unintended consequences of a quest to be special is a stretch. As a scientist, Rutherford sought to advance knowledge through experiments that would prove his theories on the structure of the atom. Although he was most likely interested in recognition by his peers, I doubt that it was his primary driving force. "Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and an impending nuclear war" is much more closely related to countless others and perhaps is more of a societal problem than that of an individual. It was Enrico Fermi who pointed out the enormous amount of nuclear energy available within the atomic structure as shown by Einstein's mass-energy equivalence equation.

Your second paragraph points out the downside of the search to be special, i.e. the placement of a goal ahead of whatever means it takes to achieve it. This is probably the root of the majority of our problems with wanting to be recognized as special.

Most of us don't get to be special by striving to be special but simply by being who we are. We do what we do and be who we are and if we do it well our specialness will shine. There is another problem though. When we are given too much attention for being special, it can sometimes play with our mind and we think we are more special than others, as with your favorite movie star or politician gone-bad.

Overall

As I said in the beginning I think this is a great prologue for your story. If the rest of my rambling is at all useful food for thought, I will be pleased. What your character expounds upon in the prologue and what examples he decides to use are ultimately a product of how it fits the story. Thanks for letting me read and comment.

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Tim,
I think I'm a little bit dense. I read this poem three times before I figured out why lines 5 and 6 didn't follow the rhyme scheme of the rest of the poem. Then I got it, and it spoke to me.

Opinion

The poem takes me back to a time and place that I can relate to.

Process

The rhythm seems to fit the mood of the office theme, even though I am more comfortable with a rhythm that is more even and predictable. I like the way you shift from first person POV to the end of the poem where you are in second person. In the second sentence the use of first person plural (us) doesn't seem to fit as well.

Overall

A good active mood message for the reader. Well done!

CAUTION: This review reflects only my humble opinion. I am an expert on nothing, but read and comment with my sincere best effort.

*X*Sharkdaddy*X*




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