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55 Public Reviews Given
134 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Look To The Sky  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Great message, one we could all stand to follow.

What are the beautiful colors we're talking about though? Are you referring to a sunset or a purely figurative sky? I'm not sure on what I should be focusing.

Behind every negative thing there is a positive thing to make you happier. "thing" is not very descriptive. Maybe you could make that clearer?

God's got a plan for everything. I'd recommend changing that to simply "God has a plan for everything." "got" is a rather weak verb.

Thanks for the words of inspiration.
2
2
Review of The Setting Sun  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah hah, prose! Something I can actually review! *Wink* *Bigsmile*

Her blond pigtails bob up and down as she speaks, the words stumbling over one another like dominoes, as she excitedly tries to get them out. Adverbs, "excitedly" in this case, are usually a bad idea, and in this sentence the adverb isn't necessary. The wonderful simile of words stumbling like dominoes already shows the excitement.

You paint a vivid of this young girl from the very beginning. I can truly imagine her in my mind's eye. More importantly the details you give speak volumes about her character without telling the reader anything explicitly. Well done. *Smile*

Squirrels scatter across the freshly cut grass and bumblebees are melodically buzzing around the dandelions. You need a comma after "grass."

The little girl picks one of the dandelions out of the ground, and twirls the squishy stem between her pudgy fingers for a few seconds, before thrusting it under my chin. Remove the first comma since there is no new subject for the second predicate.

Ah, a 6-year-old with a dandelion. *sigh* How I remember those days. *Smile* I love that little detail.

You tell the reader about how she likes to play and you explain her playing "house" in a mature way. I believe these are the words coming from a 6-year-old so it seems just a bit out of place. Surely the 6-year-old didn't explain that she "feeds, and clothes these nonliving objects, maybe for fun now, but also in preparation for another time to come in her life." That's an observation made by the narrator, not the girl. Therefore, in a purely technical sense the reader has to wonder how the narrator can know this unless she's witnessed it. I hope that makes sense. *Confused*

I can tell that she carries it around with her everywhere. I love the bit about the doll, but how can you tell? Are the edges worn or the dress tattered here and there? Does the doll have the same stains as the girl? Is there a way to show that she carries it everywhere? As an aside and out of curiosity, did this doll really exist?

Her aunt was the one who showed her how to save the candy-like marshmallows until the end; a special treat. Awww, that is a very important skill indeed. *Smile* I would recommend changing to simply "Her aunt showed her how..." to eliminate the passive voice.

She whispers that the pink heart marshmallows are her personal favorite. This is another nitpicky detail. "her personal favorite" is likely an assessment of the narrator. A six-old-year would probably just say that the pink hearts are the best.

"The Muppet Babies" and Flinstone vitamins?! Ah, isn't it great being a child of the 80s? *Bigsmile* Gonzo rocked! *Laugh*

...the little girl’s mother repeatedly tells her that she sits too close to the television, a problem that may later result in the need for corrective lenses. "may later result in the need for corrective lenses" just seems a little formal for this writing.

They fight over the miniature dolls, and she often bribes her little sister for certain playing pieces. I'm not sure what you mean by "playing pieces." Also, I'm not sure Barbies should be considered miniature. I could be wrong on that count though.

Garbage Pail Kids?! Another beacon of childhood in the 80s! *Delight*

I really like the bit about losing baby teeth. It's something we tend to take for granted later in life but is truly an important event for a youngster. *Smile*

Recalling those wonderful summer vacations, she explains the family trips to the beach, and the time she thought she and her sister were going to drown in the lukewarm water, camping trips when it always seems to rain, and staying up late doing sparklers on her front steps. This sentence is long and doesn't quite work as a single sentence. I'm unsure of what punctuation to go with, so I'd suggest breaking it up into two sentences. On another note, sparklers? You sure you didn't just live the female version of my childhood? *Wink*

I find it symbolic, perhaps unintentionally so, that several paragraps show the reader her early childhood, but her entire adolescent and high school years fly by in a single paragraph. I think it's the same in life. We cherish those early memories down to the silliest detail, but we rush through our teenage years waiting for the next step.

She remembers looking into the heated crowd of people and picking out her family. Why is the crowd heated? *Confused*

The description of her graduation is excellent. It is something most people experience, and you captured it and the accompanying emotions perfectly, at least in my estimation.

The ending is poignant and brilliant. Even though it was expected, it tugged at my heart strings. It's truly a shame we can't really sit down with our former selves and remember a simpler, more innocent time when Saturday morning cartoons, imaginary friends, and losing our baby teeth were the sum total of our worries.

Thank you for sharing this story; it's very deserving of the awardicon it bears.
3
3
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review for "Hidden Fire - section 6Open in new Window.
Rating: 4.5 stars

Plot/Content:

This section is pretty short, so I don't have a whole lot to say. As usual it was a quick, enjoyable read. I'm pleased to see the conflict becoming apparent, and now I'm curious what's going to happen to Misty. And I'm glad to see it isn't all silly, girly romance. *Wink*

He'd at least managed to improve the lot of his fellow halfbloods slightly. What does this mean? How did he accomplish that? What was it that he accomplished?

Interesting analogies about how Kai draws on his magic. However, I do think you could go into further detail to really show the reader what it's like. I really only have a vague impression at this point.

That's a good tidbit about his childhood at the Academy.

They milled about in confusion briefly as they realized most of their work had been done, before riding down the fleeing enemy survivors. This switches to the point of view of the Baron's men. Instead you need to show this confusion so Kai can drawn his own conclusions.

Kai wearily climbed down the stairs, still dazed from the tremendous power he had just directed. Here again you could add some more detail. I'd like to know a bit more of how it drained him. But that could just be my preference for detail.

Style:

The Council truly ran the Academy, and head of the council was Aroostook. This is an odd word arrangement. I think it should be "and Aroostook was head of the council." Also you capitalized "council" in one place but not the other.

He was snapped out of his thoughts as he sensed a hot flare of power. You can eliminate passive voice by changing to "A hot flare of power snapped him out of his thoughts."

It felt like a mage had just cast a very powerful spell somewhere down in the city. This sentence seems very telling. Maybe it would work better if you describe the sensation in further detail.

Suddenly, his way was blocked when the flank of a huge black warhorse sprang into his path. You can eliminate passive voice by changing to "The flank of a huge, black warhorse blocked his path." Also "suddenly" is generally not a good word to use.

Grammar/Mechanics:

Storms contained much internal power, and could easily overwhelm a careless mage. You don't need a comma here since the second clause does not have its own subject.

Water and Air were his strongest elements and it was not often he got to play with his full power. You need a comma after "elements."

Then the sleepless nights, the mental assaults from Misty, and his quick overextension of his power caught up with him and he staggered, falling to his knees in the mud. You need a comma after "him."


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4
4
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review for "Hidden Fire - Section 5Open in new Window.
Rating: 4.0 stars

Plot/Content:

This was my favorite section yet. Previously it was mostly romantic and not something I would usually read, but in this section you proved you can incorporate the classic elements of good vs evil in epic fantasy. You've hooked me on the story now.

This section was also short so I don't have too many general commments. Therefore, let's get right to the specific comments...

To be honest, I wonder if any two people can be as perky as Misty and Kris. Don't they have any worries or concerns? Shouldn't they be a little disturbed by the fact that they will soon be separated? As I mentioned a section or two ago, I would expect some sort of bittersweet interaction.

When Misty says she can read now, it's unclear if Kris is jealous or really does just want to be made gorgeous. If it's the former you need to develop that further. Perhaps she could go silent for a moment. However, if it's the latter, which seems to be the case, I don't care for Kris. But then, that might be what you're going for. However, I do like the way Kris teases Misty. It adds a credible dimension to her.

Mmmmm... fancy red dress. You know I'm sucker for that. *Wink*

The mention of Misty's anger surprised me. I don't remember seeing any hint of that. She really seems like a very cheery person who is incapable of getting angry.

A Gorangan priest stood in the doorway, its filthy brown robes stained with rust-colored marks; its drawn hood concealing its face in shadow. You use the pronoun "its," which implies the gender cannot be determined. So now I'm curious as to what the Gorangans look like. Perhaps some further description? I like the description of the hand and later the charred Gorangan, but I wish I knew what their "faces" looked like. I keep picturing the creatures from the movie "The Village."

Great scene in the bookstore. I really felt the danger and urgency of the scene. And I'm very glad to see some of Misty's talents come to the fore. This story is really beginning to pick up. *Smile* Likewise for the scene in the streets. This section has hooked me on the story. Honestly it was a bit too girly for my tastes before, but now I'm very interested.

How did Misty know the priest was undead? Was it always undead or is it undead now because it burned alive? It's not entirely clear. Also, I don't think "parody" is the right word to describe its kiss with Kris. However, what happens after with Kris is excellent.

Wouldn't some of the Baron's soldiers pursue the Gorangan priests?

Style:

Stylistically, there's very little to criticize. This section is mostly moved forward via dialog, which you handle quite well. You could further develop the scene in the streets with more description and emotion, but it's quite effective now in its relatively simplistic form.

Kris was such a hopeless romantic. This is a telling line. It's already becoming clear anyway so I'm not sure it's necessary. However, you could drive that point home more effectively with an anecdote or something.

She hauled her reluctant friend into the shop. This is also a telling line. Perhaps you could show the reluctance. That's a case where you could expand on the story.

Grammar/Mechanics:

In the first sentence, I think you need a colon instead of a comma to begin listing the items on the Archmage's list.

I think you need to break the fourth paragraph up. The first part is the dialog from the girls, and the second part is Misty's thoughts, not really related. Conversely you broke up Kris's dialog into two paragraphs in the sixth and seventh paragraphs when they could actually be a single paragraph.

This dressmaker does beautiful work and she'll do it quick too! You need a comma after "work."

Kris had been right, she had not had so much as a new petticoat since she was thirteen, and now she had two new gowns. The first comma should be a semicolon. Or maybe a dash or some other form of punctuation.

The dark priest burst from burning shop, his body still ablaze, and uttered a loud screeching cry. You forgot the "the" before "burning shop."

It was now a walking horror, it body nothing more than a mass of charred flesh and bone; its head a blackened skull. "it" should be "its."

A sheet of lightning stuck the wall of priests blocking the market road, leaving only blackened scorch marks where they had stood. "stuck" should be "struck."


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5
5
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
An inspirational and incredible story. You've managed to give an account of trials and tribulations in good humor and with a sense of optimism. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I enjoyed reading this anecdote, even if the feminine subject matter did scare me at first. *Blush* I've highlighted some mistakes/typos/etc. below.

You might consider breaking the single, very long paragraph into multiple paragraphs.

I hadn't been feeling quite altogether well... That sentence reads a little awkwardly.

I have been complaining of fatigue, hot and cold flashes, night sweats, fall asleep wherever, anxiety, anger, crying... Did you mean you "fall asleep wherever" or that you complain about falling asleep wherever? Your sentence implies the latter.

I am but a mere young 41 year old Using both "mere" and "young" is redundant. Also, ages should be hyphenated like so: 41-year-old.

I couldn't beleive it. You misspelled "believe".

I don't think "rampid" is a word. Did you mean "rampant"?

normaly in most cases "normally" and "in most cases" is a bit redundant.

...it earlier in life now days than what it was like years ago. I think you mean "nowadays".

"However" is one word.

"Have you been under any stress lately, especially in the last 10 years." You need a question mark.

Things from that, weren't even settled yet when the storm hit. Remove the comma.

Then to top off the week, only 4 days later, my husband was fired from his job, because he told his boss he couldn't come in that day because he had to find another home for his family to live in. The repetition of "because" makes for an awkward read.

Now doesn't that just beat all. That's a question.

Could you imagin being told that? You misspelled "imagine".

Anyway, we managed to get through it, we found... Replace the second comma with a colon, semicolon, or period.

You misspelled occasions as "occations".

I couldn't breath, even a walk to the mailbox... Replace the comma with a semicolon.

My head pounded and the ringing in my ears was unexplainable. You need a comma after "pounded".

...all I wanted was to move back to New York, were I grew up. "were" should be "where".

You misspelled collapse as "collaps".

You misspelled summed as "summond".

He said the valves in my heart had disintegrated and the blood was not pumping back out of the heart, infact it was making it swell almost into bursting. You need a comma before "and", and you should begin a new sentence with "In fact..."

The baby is now here and our family has gotten much more crowded. You need a comma before "and".


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6
6
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Name of novel: The Tree on the Dike

Plot:

The story is interesting and fast-paced, making for a great read. It's one of the few partial novels I've been able to read in one sitting (except for those that are very short).

My only real complaint with the plot lies with its credibility. Many of the story elements are far-fetched. However, it's meant to be that way, so it's excusable so long as there is a reasonable explanation. The explanation is missing thus far, unless you count some reference to elves from another world. I hope to see a resolution to all these fantastical elements.

For two people who thought their mother had been kidnapped, Susan and Brad didn't seem as concerned as I would expect. There was very little worry on their part, and they even continued on with their lives with little disturbance. For one thing I wouldn't expect them to go to school. Also, I wouldn't think the issue of Brad's new girlfriend would come up. It just doesn't seem believable.

Character Development:

Susan is your best and most believable, as it should be. I have no complaints with her.

I think Jill is a sound character as well. Brad and Fiona refer to her as Susan's "mousey friend", but I don't think of her that way. Her anxiety is justifiable thus far. Did you intend for her to be mousey? Or are those comments meant to say something about Brad and Fiona's character?

Fiona is mostly a believable character. She is consistent throughout and is very distinct from the rest of the cast. All her tools and skills that come into play when breaking into the power plant seem a bit too coincidental, but I'm willing to suspend disbelief for that.

Brad is the most problematic character in my opinion. He seems devoid of virtue. He likes to fight, he jokes about his parents being kidnapped, he wants to attack the guards at the power plant, he gets involved with a girl who used to bully his sister, he relies solely on television for entertaintment, and he essentially pouts when he doesn't get his way. He could be a villain in almost any other story. Most of those attributes are reasonable, but his attempts at humor and his selfishness after the kidnapping of his parents made me instantly dislike him. Should I dislike him? Even if I should, I'm not sure he's a believable character.

Setting:

You could probably use a little more description in some places, but all in all you handle the setting well. I always had a general idea of where events were taking place. Though, with the exception of the power plant, setting doesn't add much to the story.

Theme:

The theme isn't entirely clear yet. Obviously Susan rescuing her parents is the main conflict, though what theme is underlying that conflict has yet to be seen. However, since all the events seem to lead to the conclusion, I'm confident a consistent theme will emerge.

Action:

I have no complaints at all in terms of action. The action is picking up as it goes along and is definitely building to the climax. With each action the protagonists face greater danger. I look forward to reading the inevitable action that will take place in the secret laboratory.

Story line:

My only complaint with the story line is there are a few very short scenes that make for choppy reading. In general, one has to wonder if a three or four paragraph scene is even necessary.

General Comments:

You might want to italicize character thoughts.

The opening dialog between Susan, Jill, and Brad seems a bit stiff. I think it's because you describe too many of the mundane motions they make while speaking.

Great ending to chapter 1. It really grabbed my interest.

The RCMP sure did get to their house in a hurry.

Chapter 4 slips into present tense on occasion.

You have some typos in chapter 12. A careful proofread should correct that.
7
7
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Content/Plot:

A poignant bit of prose. At first I wondered how some of the events were "Innocence Lost", but you tied them all together nicely at the end. It was quite a revelation and an important message about death and violence.

I did have a few issues with the content:

*Bullet*A car cannot murder a person. I think it makes more sense to write "One week ago I saw a child killed by a car...".

*Bullet*His vision hazed with drink never saw the tiny presence until the windshield was painted red The word "presence" seems a bit melodramatic.

*Bullet*Last month my Grandfather died in an unnatural sleep he was under for a minor surgery. The lengthy phrase after "died" reads a bit awkward. I think breaking this into two sentences would be the best remedy.

*Bullet*A duty he was proud to do How is killing a collie his "duty"?


Style:

It's hard to get a feel for your style with such a short piece, but it's clear you have a simple and direct style. This is especially effective with this type of writing. However, I do have a few suggestions:

*Bullet*Don't try to cram too many ideas into a single sentence; it leads to awkward, run-on sentences.

*Bullet*You tend to use passive voice. To remedy this, restructure the sentences and eliminate the forms of "is", "was", etc.

Grammar/Mechanics:

The piece contains several grammatical errors:

*Bullet*You're missing several apostrophes to indicative possessives. I've indicated a few below. You're also missing some periods.

*Bullet*His vision comma hazed with drink comma never saw the tiny presence until the windshield was painted red.

*Bullet*Last year a neighborapostrophes nine year nine-year-old collie was killed for wandering to too close to one manapostrophes yard who didn't like dogs and took one more from this world. This is a run-on sentence. Technically, it's not grammatically incorrect, but it should broken into two sentences.

*Bullet*She once told me that she would rather be dead then than stay a few more days.

*Bullet*At her funeral, her mother still drunk, her father not even there, all I could think as my last words to say was: "You got your wish," and then I walked away This is difficult to read. Again, you should consider transforming it into two sentences.


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8
8
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Plot/Content:

This is a very clever story that I enjoyed reading. The unique story is divergent from typical fantasy. If I had to classify it, I would say it most resembles magic realism, a sub genre I generally avoid but appreciated in this context.

Some parts of the plot that I especially liked were the somewhat ironic ending and Isabelle’s apparent paranoia when she is trying to determine if Lydia and John are having an affair. I think it’s interesting that Isabelle kept John around after his indiscretions; it turns out being a far more torturous punishment for him, despite her love for him.

I couldn’t find much fault with the plot. I wish I had read this piece prior to the revisions, because I would have liked to see what, if any, plot corrections were made based on the other "Longswords, Lasers, & Literature: CLOSEDOpen in new Window. reviews you received. However, there are a couple very minor points I’d like to make:

*Bullet*Isabelle wonders about John’s loyalty before seeing Lydia and her missing tooth. I think the revelation could have been even more shocking and appalling if there were no prior thought of it on her part. As it’s written now, as soon as Lydia appeared I knew what was about to happen.

*Bullet*Where did “Jane” come from? She suddenly appeared when John was about to have some pie and seems to serve no apparent purpose other than to say the pie was stolen. Couldn’t John or Isabelle themselves notice that the pie was missing? I don’t think Jane is a necessary character. And as everyone keeps telling me (and I’m trying to stick to), eliminate anyone that doesn’t serve a purpose.

*Bullet*In general I don’t know what the characters or setting look like. Perhaps you cut out a lot of description during the editing process, but I would like to have some sensual stimuli. However, having said that, this piece gets by really well with very minimal imagery. This could be because you have such a distinctive style that lends itself to casual storytelling. Or it could be because of the first person narration. Anyway, some stimulation of the senses couldn’t hurt, but, if you choose to add any, make sure not to lose the focus of the story.

Style/Mechanics:

I really like your style; it makes for an easy and enjoyable read. Though I do have a few recommendations:

*Bullet*This story uses “had” a lot and weakens the writing. Several wiser people than I on this website have pointed out that replacing all (or at least most) occurrences of “had”, “was”, “were”, etc. with action verbs strengthens the writing, and after adhering to that advice I have to agree. In many places you could simply remove the “had,” and the essence of the sentence would remove the same. In other places you could change the wording slightly. For example, your phrase “When Lydia had gone” could become “After Lydia left.” It doesn’t seem like much with one example, but when “had” occurs over and over it can make a significant difference.

*Bullet*You often accompany dialog with telling taglines like “replied”, “answered”, “confided”, etc. This is almost like using adverbs. You’re telling how someone talks rather than showing how. Also, these taglines draw the focus away from the dialog itself. Try replacing most of these tag lines with the simple “he said/she said”, and then rely on dialog and subtle actions to describe how the person talks and conducts him/herself.

There are also a couple very minor mechanical problems:

*Bullet*Mr., Mrs., Ms., etc. should always end in a period.

*Bullet*Whenever two or more independent clauses (i.e clauses with a subject/predicate pair that are not subordinate to the rest of the sentence) are linked by a conjunction, a comma should precede the conjunction.

Conclusion:

All in all, a very good story with a unique concept and personable storytelling. For the most part, the comments I made are a bit nitpicky, probably because the substantial problems (if there were any) were pointed out in some reviews in "Longswords, Lasers, & Literature: CLOSEDOpen in new Window..

I've provided more specific comments in the "Longswords, Lasers, & Literature: CLOSEDOpen in new Window. review forum.
9
9
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review for all the chapters of this novel...


Plot:

Overall the plot is fascinating and has some good accompanying subplots mixed in. The blend of science fiction and fantasy is very interesting, and your main character alone is worth the read.

My major criticism of the plot is that sometimes scenes and characters changed or were added so quickly that I was lost trying to figure out what was going on. More often than not this was because of the abundance of featureless characters. More on this in a bit.

Sometimes the point of view is not always clear or shifts in mid-scene. This seems to happen most often when Caleath appears to be the point of view, but it shifts to someone else’s opinion of him. I realize this is because you want us to know how other people feel about him. But truthfully, you have crafted Caleath so well that I know what someone else will think before you even tell me. Your characters generally react to Caleath in the same way most anyone would react to a person like Caleath. Also, try to pick a few important points of view to use instead of many points of view from the vast array of characters. For example, the best point of views would probably be Caleath, Gwilt, Nasith, and maybe Lachlan. I think you could tell the entire story (or what’s written so far) from exclusively their points of view. The positives of doing it that way are we know each of those characters inside and out, and the reader isn’t lost flipping back and forth between several personalities and points of view. Each of those four characters has a distinct personality, and after a while the reader would probably be able to identify the point of view very quickly.

There is a lot of background information being told throughout the story. Quite often you give it as someone explicitly telling a story to someone else. When you first did this between Gwilt and Chesney, I thought it was a bit clever, but after a while it began to wear on my nerves. Sometimes vague flashbacks/reflections give just enough of the back story to keep the reader going. But some of your background information was exposition that bogged the story down, especially regarding Caleath’s history. You told much the same information in several different ways from several different voices. One telling is sufficient. Or even better, a scattered telling of his history that doesn’t explain everything could occur throughout the book. On the other hand, Caleath’s history is so integral and so fascinating, it might be his previous life should be a prequel book or the beginning of a series in which this is the second book.

Some more specific points of confusion that stood out in the reading are:

*Bullet*Caleath and Nasith’s relationship seems to happen very suddenly. We learn later that Nasith was betwitched, but what was Caleath’s excuse? Why did he fall in love with her so quickly? As aloof and abrasive as he is, wouldn’t he have been suspicious of her or reluctant to form such a bond? I was certainly suspicious of her sudden change of heart.
*Bullet*Caleath seems to know everything. I understand he knows so many languages because of his language implant (or something like that), but how does he know all the cultures of this land? I think it might be more interesting in places if Caleath didn’t understand his surroundings quite so well.
*Bullet*Why didn’t Sam/Azriel kill Gwilt when she had the chance? She took down Teale in the guise of Caleath, so taking the extra time to kill him didn’t seem like something she should avoid. Or did she think he was dead? Hmmm… maybe I misread it.
*Bullet*Caleath and Spider’s argument regarding the Caleath/Rhiannon relationship seemed a bit odd. It just struck me as out of character for Spider.
*Bullet*There might be more but I misplaced one sheet of my notes.

Character Development

What I consider to be the main characters are well developed. Caleath, Gwilt, and Lachlan have distinct personalities and react in ways someone of their ilk ought to react. I find them to be very interesting and likable characters. Normally, I dislike the young sidekicks that Gwilt is reminiscent of, but you’ve managed to make him believable and sympathetic.

Nasith is a bit harder to pin down, and I credit that to a lack of Nasith point of views. To be honest I don’t care a whole lot about her, and that’s probably because I don’t know enough about how she feels. Now, because her feelings toward Caleath have been bewitched, it might be hard to express her real self, but I think it would be worth the effort. Shortly after she was introduced, it looked as if Nasith’s point of view would be crucial to the story, second only to Caleath. However, by the end of what you have written, we rarely know what’s going through her head and almost never get her point of view.

Some of the supporting cast are well done, including Penwryt, Rybolt, and Mykael. It looks as if Paskin, Sam/Azriel, and Braidon will also be well developed for secondary characters, but they’ve just been introduced so it’s hard to tell. Also, the various allusions to the nefarious Ephraim are well done. I look forward to learning more about him.

After that there are a slew of characters that change from chapter to chapter, or even scene to scene. And to be frank, it’s all very confusing. There are so many characters you take the time to identify but don’t seem crucial to the story. Because many of them only hang around for a chapter or don’t really have any effect on the events, I can’t even remember who they are. For example:
*Bullet*Besides Rybolt, Lachlan, and Mykael, I can’t remember any of the many other rangers. Therefore, do they even need to be in the story?
*Bullet*Besides Paskin, I can’t name a single bandit/brigand. Are all their identities worth conveying to the reader?
*Bullet*Besides Eluart, whose purpose eludes me, I can’t name another Vergottern (except Gwilt who doesn’t really count). Overall the visit with the Vergottern troubled me. There was a lot going on with a lot of characters. But then again, it was around 1:00AM when I read that chapter.
*Bullet*I can’t remember Spider’s geopolitical and ethnic affiliations, and to me Spider seems like a cardboard cutout. In fact, he’s pretty much a carbon copy of Gwilt so far, except that his importance to the story has been minimal. Could you combine Gwilt and Spider into one character?
*Bullet*Is Flea really a necessary character? Thus far, the only importance I see for him is he’s Azriel’s first victim, but couldn’t any nameless wretch serve that purpose?
*Bullet*At first I expected Chesney to be a major player. It turns out his only purpose was to relay Caleath’s past to Gwilt. Couldn’t this be accomplished another way? Though he’s a unique and likable character, is Chesney really a necessary character?

See where I’m going wiith this? You have a lot of named characters that are featureless. Of course you don’t want to explain in detail every character, so I think the solution is to eliminate most or all of them. Obviously you need to hang on to some, but I think you can manage to cut out quite a few without altering the story in any significant way.

Setting:

No complaints here. I had no trouble discerning the setting. You have a flair for description and metaphor. Though I have to admit, I can’t critique setting very fairly. I was so interested in the story I occasionally skimmed expository description to get back to the plot.

Theme:

One could probably argue there are several themes to this piece, and I think you’ve done fine with all of them. Most of the themes are driven by Caleath’s past and personality, and this makes for an interesting tale.

The subplots contribute to the theme on most occasions. However, I don’t understand the importance of Mykael’s reclaiming of his throne. It doesn’t seem to have any real important to Caleath’s adventures or the defense against the Tarack. Obviously Myraek’s army is important to the conflict, but I don’t understand how his ascension to the throne is important to his opposition to the Tarack.

Action:

This is very much an action story, and the action is generally well done.

All the action that takes place has a consequence. At first Caleath’s battles made him an outlaw. Then they lost him the support of Penwryt. Then they got him on Mykael’s bad side. Then they transformed his relationship with the bandits/brigands, both for bad and good. And most recently, his battle with the dragon earned the safety of his followers but released Orwin Tallowbrand. So there is definite sense of building tension throughout--well done!

The action sequences are usually described in detail. Occasionally you go a bit overboard in describing the step by step action taken by Caleath. We know how deadly he is, you don’t need to reiterate the fact every time.

Despite the consequences of his actions, I wonder if Caleath is invincible. I knew the outcome of every fight before it even started. I realize he’s been trained to be a killer, but shouldn’t he have some weakness? If not physical, then mental? Because he’s unbeatable, the suspense is lessened.

The fight between Caleath and the Dragon was masterfully done. I applaud you.

Story line:

The flow of the story was a problem in that it wasn’t consistent:
*Bullet*Some scenes are very long and others are very short. Short, interjectory scenes are usually used in climatic situations or in “shifty eyes” scenarios (the same event is seen through the eyes of multiple characters in short bursts), and you use them quite well in those situations. But often you use very short scenes to fill in the blanks between scenes that happen far apart in time.
*Bullet*Some scenes span days/weeks/months and others happen in real-time. There’s no problem with this except when you mix them to tell simultaneous storylines.
*Bullet*Single scenes are split into two or more contiguous, delineated scenes for the apparent purpose of changing point of view. It’s my opinion that when you’re writing in third person limited you need to stick to a single point of view over the course of a scene. Breaking it up to get multiple viewpoints is indicative of a failure to show the emotions/thoughts/reactions of people outside the current point of view.

General Comments:

Watch out for clichés. Somebody in the story said, “We don’t take kindly to strangers.” It’s an overused expression that didn’t seem to fit the dialog of your world anyway. Similarly, Caleath used the phrase “really piss me off.” It’s a cliché that didn’t seem to fit his usually very formal dialog.

Every character seems to be very articulate. Their dialogs are formal, grammatically correct, and overflowing with “big words.” It’s obvious from the reading that you have an incredible vocabulary, and it tends to show up in your characters. However, not everyone speaks the same way. And in fact, a small percentage of people speak so eloquently. The unfortunate truth is that there are a lot of stupid people out there. And there are even more people who simply can’t express themselves so well in casual conversation (myself included). So I think you need to diversify your dialog. Make some people of varying educations and backgrounds and vernacular usages. One of the most identifiable traits of any character is his dialog, so I suggest unique dialog for unique characters.

The name immediately preceding or proceeding quoted dialog is usually who the reader assumes is speaking. There are several occasions in which this name was not the person speaking. You should probably move those names to eliminate the confusion.

Don’t tell the names of strangers before they’re introduced. For example, when meeting the Nomads, you told the reader the names of some Nomads before Caleath even knew their names.

Watch your use of adverbs. They should be kept to a minimum. Most notably you use them to convey mood during dialog. Describing actions or carefully choosing the dialog works better.

Chapter 16 was simply awesome. I was completely captivated.

A ran across this phrase and just had to ask about it: “a huge pot of some description” What does that mean? Was “some description” a placeholder you intended to fill in with some description and never got around to it? Or does “a huge pot of some description” actually have a viable meaning?

Overall I really liked this story. I think it’s a bogged down with too many seemingly unimportant characters and unnecessary repetition of Caleath’s past, and suffers from some POV shifting and a few poor scene transitions. However, the characters and plot are intriguing and worth the reading. My major suggestions are to eliminate all details, including several characters, that aren’t crucial to the plot, to have some semblance of scene uniformity within single chapters, and to focus the point of view on a handful of “main” characters.



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10
10
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Rather than review each chapter individually, I chose to review the contents of this folder as a whole.

Name of Novel: Live (I. City of Stars)

Plot:

Much of this plot revolves around dreaming and you successfully convey that idea. While reading I felt as if I was wandering about in some dreamworld. However, as is so often the case with dreams, often I don’t understand what’s going on.

The prologue, which is itself apparently a dream, has a desired effect but leaves the reader (or at least me) completely baffled. Honestly, it was an overload of senses and information. There were so many names, thoughts, and details that were not explained or connected in any logical way. This was exacerbated by the excessive use of sentence fragments. Sentence fragments are acceptable and even appropriate in this sort of writing, and you use them effectively in chapters 1 and 2, but the prologue is just a hodge podge of random, hanging thoughts. Now that was probably the goal to some extent given that it was a dream, but I think you went overboard. There needs to be some sense of structure, cohesion, and reality. Also, because of the constant shifting of character names and ideas in the prologue, I have no clue who the narrator is.

Chapter 1’s plot was much easier to follow and understand, and the exchange between Aeres and the narrator quickly drew me into the story. That bit of dialogue told a lot about the characters and what they’re doing. The chapter overall was very engaging.

Chapter 2 seemed to take place in reality but was in many respects dreamlike, and I’m hard pressed to say if it was real or imaginary. There was almost as much confusion with this chapter as with the prologue. I credit this mostly with the introduction of many characters, many of whom seem to be metaphorical. Until the very last scene where the narrator recognizes the boy, there is little cohesion. And to be honest, with the exception of the last scene, I’m not sure what happened in this chapter.

Character Development:

The jumbled thoughts of the prologue and chapter 2 make me think the narrator is more than a little deranged and angst-filled, which is consistent with the folder description you provide for this book. Other than that, I know very little about the narrator, but the story is just beginning so that’s not too unreasonable.

I find Aeres to be a fascinating character. She immediately stands out as being the most interesting part of the story in my opinion. And your subtle hints of a hidden trait or history for her encourage the reader to continue.

There are a lot of other characters, and I cannot identify any of them. There is very little description of the other characters, and there is very little that is tangible or memorable about them. I wonder why most of them even exist? Are they necessary to the story? What is their purpose? What are they doing? What is their connection to the narrator and/or Aeres?

Setting:

There is occasional description of the setting and some of it is very effective imagery. However, the jumping around that occurs in chapter 2 often left me wondering what the setting was.

Theme:

It’s too early to see a consistent or prevalent theme. So far I think there are many themes. Several clues, most notably odd character names (Skies, Innocent, etc.), make me wonder if there is meant to be some deep metaphorical or even satirical meaning. If so, I haven’t seen it yet. But then again, I hardly ever understand the theme in writing. I tend to think interpreting writing in terms of universal truths is just a concoction of English professors to justify their salaries. But I digress…

Action:

This isn’t technically an action story, though the incidents that occur during the hurricane have the traditional element of action. I would say you handle this particular scene appropriately.

Story line:

There is really no lull in the story at all so far, and probably the tamest part of the story is the narrator/Aeres exchange, which ironically I found to be the best part. You definitely keep the reader’s interest at all times, but the sudden shift in characters and scenes and setting and action throughout chapter 2 is especially hard to follow. I think that entire chapter needs some structure.

General Comments:

I find your style intriguing. You describe things in an unconventional but effective way, and your sentences flow naturally. This is not a traditional story, and you are not telling it traditionally, so I wish you good luck with this relatively unique approach. I only wish I had more constructive criticism, but this dreamlike trance narrative is unfamiliar to me. Incidentally I think your pen name (chaos) is very appropriate after reading this story beginning.


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"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
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11
11
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Plot/Content:

This story has definitely piqued my interest. Both your unique writing style and the plot roped me into the story early. It’s a bit early to comment on the plot, but I couldn’t find any problems yet.
I like this combining of advanced technology (nanotechnology and virtual reality) with primitive technology (hand to hand combat and transportation via boat). Also, Caleath’s story is very interesting. The whole Game/gladiator/virtual reality concept intrigues me. I look forward to reading the rest of this story. I also like the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter.

One complaint I have is the dialog can sometimes be confusing. It’s not always clear what a speaker is referring to. This might be in part because of the sometimes lengthy passages between question and answer. More on this later.

Some of the dialog doesn’t seem believable. I find it hard to believe that an enslaved blacksmith uses words like “subterfuge,” “compassion,” “idyllic,” and “morose.” Also, Caleath tends to answer with single words. This says a lot about his personality, but sometimes I wonder what question he’s answering.

Style:

I think this piece could really be trimmed. It’s a prime candidate for the eliminate 10% rule. And in this case, I think it could be a 30% rule. You have a lot of what seem to be unnecessary clauses and phrases. I’ve highlighted some below. I recommend going through and removing anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. Unfortunately this might be the hardest part of writing, because we get so attached to our words we’re reluctant to remove them. I don’t know the plans for this story yet, so I don’t know what is necessary to keep. Good luck finding anything that is extraneous.

You like to string clauses and phrases one atop the other. The trend I noticed was that when
there were more than two participle phrases in a sentence, I got lost and had to reread the sentence. I think some you can eliminate and some should be made into separate sentences. I don’t want to be more specific than that because you have a unique style and I don’t want to impose my own style on you.

There are occasional redundancies. That is, you use clauses and phrases that mean the same thing, or you use adjectives and description of action that imply the same thing. You should be able to find most of these with a careful reread. Always consider what an action or reaction implies about the character. Quite often describing the action eliminates the need for adjectives.
The excessive use of “big words” or obscure words is daunting. Either you have an incredible vocabulary and you like to use it, or you spent way too much time with a thesaurus while writing this. I’ve read textbooks that are more colloquial. What I’m saying is you’re going a little overboard with the ol’ lexicon. While it has an intellectual appeal, I think you need to consider that the kind of people who would be reading this are probably doing it strictly for entertainment. Having said that, it’s hard to stay entertained when you pondering meaning or whipping out the dictionary.

Mechanical:

You often mix up semicolons and commas. Semicolons separate independent clauses (i.e. clauses that can stand alone as complete sentences), whereas commas separate phrase and dependent clauses.

Unless acting as a noun phrase, participle phrases should be lineated by commas.
When a line of dialog is concluded with a tagline (e.g. “he said”, “she said”), the dialog inside the quotes should end in a comma, not a period, except in the case where the sentence is interrogatory or exclamatory, and the next word should be in lower case. Here’s an example to better illustrate:

Incorrect: “I'm sorry.” He apologized…”
Correct: “I’m sorry,” he apologized…”

Conclusion:

This is an interesting piece with lots of potential. It’s bogged down with some exposition and dubious description. Fix the punctuation mistakes, make sure the dialog is clear at all times, and remove everything that isn’t essential. Plotwise, this approaches a 5.0, but right now some punctuation problems and stylistic faults bring the rating down. Ultimately I think you’ve got a great original story here, and I look forward to reading more.

I’ve posted further details in the review forum for "Longswords, Lasers, & Literature: CLOSEDOpen in new Window..
12
12
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really like this piece. You mix in just the right amount of description, especially visual stimuli. Telling this part of the narrative from what appears to be a dragon's perspective pays off dramatically. You managed to pique my interest, and I intend to read on.

This piece is relatively short and already the recipient of many ratings/reviews, and you've no doubt worked out most of the kinks, so I had a hard time finding fault. However, I did have one minor issue with the style. Successfully using sentence fragments as sentences is a difficult task, but you pull it off well. It gives the piece dramatic effect. Though occasionally you overdo it. Try to steer clear of using long, multiple sentence fragments in a row, especially when the fragments are long enough to be sentences but aren't actually independent clauses. For example, the following passage made me pause and reread:
"A young girl, standing with a boy about her own age; from the looks of it they were in some kind of store. An antiques store, if his albeit flawed understanding of the outside world served him properly."
Sentence fragments worked much better when they were short and dramatic. For example: "Fog. Not enough yet. But soon."

This is well written, and I look forward to reading more.



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Longswords, Lasers, & Literature: CLOSED Open in new Window. (13+)
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13
13
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This very nearly earned my first ever 5.0 rating. In terms of style and plot, which isn't entirely relevant to this piece, I could find nothing wrong. It's beautifully written to say the least. You only lost the 5.0 rating because of a typo near the end. I think "according" should be "accordingly" or the wording should be changed. Other than that tiny nitpick this flowed perfectly I think. The dance/battle was very well done, and the imagery is vivid. Well done!
14
14
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Specific comments:

"She loved everything about him from the way his shinning black hair fell down his back, to his tender smile, they way he aware of everything around him, to sleek and powerful muscles." This sentence has some missing words, typos, missing punctuation, and the last phrase makes very little sense.

"They had chosen well when the tribal leaders had called him to lead the battle against the evil Banator invaders." So the invaders are evil? Shouldn't you let the reader decide for him/herself? Unless this is strictly Larrina's point of view, which it doesn't appear to be, you're telling the reader too much.

"A sound from outside caught her attention and she crouched behind a chair, clutching the baby to her, protecting it." It's obvious she's protecting it, no need to tell us.

"He spun around as she called his name and caught her in his arms as she ran to him." She ran into his arms? But wasn't she holding the baby?

"On her tiny head was covered with black hair the color of coal. He loved her tiny nose and delicate pointed ears. Her lips were pink and soft as he placed a light kiss on them." The color of coal is black (isn't it?) so you repeat yourself by saying black. The way it reads, her lips can change and happen to be "pink and soft" only when he kisses them. It would make more sense as "He placed a light kiss on her soft, pink lips."

"As she left the hut she glanced over her shoulder and a tear fell down her cheek."

Conlar rode behind Larrina on the horse? I've never seen that happen before. How would he "steer" the horse? Also, he was holding the baby. Wouldn't that mean the baby is being squished between her parents?

"In a clearing up ahead, he could hear the sound of a brook nearby." How did he hear the sound of a nearby brook from a clearing he's not even in? This sentence needs work.

"He was so tired. Rubbing his eyes as he yawned, Conlar realized he couldn’t remember the last time he had slept." The second sentence is sufficient evidence that he is tired.

"The large, strong raven landed on the ground next to the man." How do we know it's strong? And why is it strong?

"She picked the wailing baby up in her arms and smiled down at it." If the baby was crying, why had Kanatry not known it was there?

General Comments:

There is a quite a bit of redundancy and/or problematic content in this piece (as shown above). I attribute it to your attempts at adding in description. There are too many adjectives that either don't make sense, seem unnecessary, are contradictory, or are redundant. I would recommend going back through the piece carefully and removing any adjectives that don't fit. There are ways to create imagery without an abundance of adjectives. I'm often guilty of this too and find myself having to go back and trim everything down.

There are several misplaced or missing commas that I have refrained from pointing out. The golden rule is that if a phrase has its own subject and verb it needs a comma (though, as with all grammar rules, there are probably exceptions). Anyway, you might want to research the various grammar rules.

Overall I like the story. Starting off fantasy with action usually draws the reader right in, which is exactly what you managed to do at the very beginning. The deaths of Conlar and Larrina came as a shock, and I think most people like surprises. I'm curious about the raven at the end. I assume it's to be the girl's namesake, but I wonder if the raven has any other significance. I guess I'll have to read on to find out.

All in all, a good beginning with plenty of potential. Just be sure to draw rein on those pesky adjectives and to fix the grammar mistakes.
15
15
Review of Chapter Two  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First, some specific comments:

"a daunting pile of daggers" How is a pile of daggers daunting? Daunting means to "discourage" or "abate the courage of" (www.dictionary.com), which doesn't make any sense in this context. Why would daggers discourage him?

"... but it appeared as if the wily panther had left sometime around sunrise." How in the world did he know that? His acute sense of smell might be able to tell the panther left a few hours ago, but Kythan had to look at the sun to see how long ago sunrise was. This means he was able to tell the exact moment the panther left but not how long ago. I think the reverse is more likely to be true. So instead maybe Kythan knows the panther left a few hours ago, and he looks at the sun to deduce that he left around sunrise.

"... and slammed his shoulder blades against the ash tree opposite where the arrow still vibrated." Is "slam" the right word? It implies that he dove into the tree and really smashed his back against it. Why would he do this? It seems to me it would be both noisy and painful, neither of which he would want at the moment.

Some typos: "Evidently they decided to search the area, because they split up and began poking about in the underbrush..."

"He searched the corpse with haste and found nothing of interest on the diseased body..." Here you call the orc's body diseased. It sounds like a bit of exaggeration and redundant at the very least. You did an excellent job describing the orcs in a previous paragraph, no need to keep repeating yourself.

"Kythan snapped out a kick to the thing's crotch, frowning when the Orc merely grunted, grabbed his leg, and sent him flying into a sapling." That sentence was a bit confusing. I had to read it twice before I understood what happened. I think the problem is ambiguous antecedents.

"ichorous blood", "black goo that flowed in Orcish veins" (I love that word ichorous; I have to try and remember it.) Here's another case of repeating yourself. It's almost as if you're so concentrated on generating imagery that you're forgetting the reader already has an image in his/her mind. No reason to establish the same or similar visuals multiple times.

General comments:

Another good chapter (though I didn't like it quite as much as the first); it's is well written as the first. I really like your style and your vivid imagery. However, in this chapter, I think you take your flowery descriptions a bit far. As I mentioned above, you're guilty of describing the same thing multiple times with different words. I think you have a real flare for description and don't need to try so hard.

I love that you've already provided action twice by the second chapter. And at the same time, you don't overdo the action. For me, action and mystery is what pulls me into fantasy stories.

Now, if I'm being completely honest, and I am, I think the story is more than a bit cliched. Yes, of course fantasy almost always has some hero trying to save the world, but you introduce the concept so early in the story that it just doesn't seem original. When Aluna said "Events have been set in motion that may cause an end to this world," I couldn't help but think "Oh, boy, here we go again." Maybe it's a personal preference, but I say hold off on revealing this potential threat until later into the story. Fantasy readers often expect the hero to save the world, so telling them right off the bat is like telling them something they already know. I'd rather wait to see more of the plot so I know how the world is going to end, rather than just be told that it might end. Think about it this way, if I know the character's actions may end the world why should I care how he handles a few orcs? It seems so inconsequential next to the apocalypse.

Conclusion:

The story is developing well. You are a wonderful storyteller, but try not to repeat yourself. Slip in the apocalyptic revelation later; knowing about an "Evil" that drives the Orcs is enough for now. And above all, keep writing--I want to know what happens next.
16
16
Review of Chapter One  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is beautifully written. You create wonderful imagery and convey the mood extremely well. I especially like the details of the old woman emptying the chamberpot and the description of Fungrik. In terms of style and intriguing the reader, I have no criticism.

However, the reading does raise questions. Most of them are in regards to characters and their motivations. Why does Aluna rescue Kythan? Why does she bring him to the inn? How does she know he's a good archer; did I miss him shooting his bow or something? How does she know how many kobold tails he had? Why are elves and dwarves residing in Karna? It hardly seems like the place that would welcome their kind, and they certainly don't care for Men either. I can only assume this is answered later. Why is Sir Lochin paying bounties for kobold tails? Apparently they are a problem in the countryside but Lochin does not strike me as the type of person to dip into his own wealth for the good of the city. Are kobold tails valuable in some way? Kythan smells Man and thinks very poorly of them but is apparently a Man himself? I can understand there are a multitude of reasons he could resent his own race, but how could he actually smell them in the way that dwarves and elves apparently smell them? One gold coin must be an awfully lot of money if Kythan risks life and limb over it. I'm guessing this was a mechanism to show how dangerous and skilled Kythan is. Is the "great treasure" Kythan mentions the payment for kobold tails? If so, the term "great treasure" seems a bit dramatic. Hopefully some of these questions will be answered when I start reading chapter 2.

One other criticism: the title seems a bit bland. It seems more like a comic book title than a fantasy novel title. Aren't all fantasy novels "fantastic tales"?

Despite leaving me with questions and a bit confused, this is still probably the best fantasy I've read on this web site. Tie up the loose ends and keep up the good work.
17
17
Review of Starship Sentry  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
When I write a review I typically copy and paste points of interest/confusion/mistakes as I go along. This piece completely negated that strategy. I had several paragraphs copied and pasted by the time I got to the end of the reading, at which point I had to delete all of them. I was thoroughly confused throughout the reading, especially during the dialogue that takes place right after the commander leaves. And then, when the "truth" about the sentry comes out, I realized it all made perfect sense. In your description you said: "A puzzle tale you will enjoy more the second time you read it. Clues everywhere." Boy, is that ever true. I didn't have to read it twice, but the clues were everywhere.

There are however a couple ways I think you can improve upon this piece. The dialogue in which the Sentry is interacting with his sensors is still a bit confusing. Upon first reading I was unsure if the commander was talking with the sensors or if the Sentry was communicating with the sensors. Just clarify who is speaking at all times (though apparently "speaking" isn't the most appropriate word here). And, since the Sentry doesn't actually "talk" to his sensors, maybe you could use italics for the dialogue, thus indicating a "linear reverse" dialogue. Likewise for the dialogue between the Sentry and his mentor.

I'm not sure you needed to expound on the theories of telepathy and fifth and sixth dimensions. Reading about it got a bit tedious and didn't add much to the story.

On a side note, during the reading I was going to comment on the title of the galaxy being "Alpha Canis Majoris" and mention how I thought that an odd name, but you did a good job of making me overlook the obvious.

In conclusion, this is well done. It's well written and carefully thought out. It includes the usual elements of science fiction with a unique twist. Once the reader commits to reading all the way through, the ending is great. You were wise to make it relatively short because considering my confusion early on I likely would not have finished reading otherwise.



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18
18
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Overall this piece has some potential. I always like to read fantasy that dives right into action. And your mysterious comment about an unknown change that has driven the goblins out of their caves and into the world of men piques my curiosity. Already in the first chapter you've managed to hint at the staple theme of fantasy: good vs. evil. You've also introduced the love interest, and afterall what's good fantasy without a love interest? I'm also working on something that has a man and elf relationship.

Having said all that, I have some problems and suggestions. I assume you want to make this better, so I tried to make my review as brutally honest and constructive as possible. (But don't worry; I wouldn't have reviewed this at all if I didn't like it).

Within the first fourt paragraphs you managed to describe the goblins as "green creatures", "misshapen humanoids", "green apes", and "strange little creatures". None of these descriptions manages to paint a mental image for me. I would suggest actually describing these goblins. Granted most goblins are the same from fantasy book to fantasy book, but I'd rather not rely on my previous experience to know what YOUR goblins look like. The line "their goat skins gyrated around their waists as their hairless bodies moved in and out of weapon range" gives some description. How about something similar to describe their actual physical characteristics. Finally, you called the goblins "green apes" but wrote that they have "hairless bodies". See the contradiction there?

This is presumably a novel, not a short story, so you have plenty of time to explain things. For this reason, I don't think it's necessary to write all the background plot up front. I'm specifically referring to the 4th and 5th paragraphs. All this information could slowly be let out through dialogue or character flashbacks perhaps. Those paragraphs seem to read more like a newspaper article than a novel.

Do you literally mean Sage Deep's capital city is now a crater? If so, did some explosion cause it or did a meteor hit it? Or by crater do you just mean some sort of abandoned wasteland? I'm not really critiquing this; I'm just curious. However, you might want to make that clearer. And if it is an actual crater, how about giving us a mysterious hint as to how it happened? And if it's not a crater maybe you should find a different word to describe it. Then again, maybe I'm just reading things too literally.

I find it a little troubling that Keegan wants to get a drink while goblins are storming the front gate.

I like that Keegan calls goblins "red eyes". Somehow it makes him seem more real.

What happened to all the goblins that were just outside the gate when Lore goes back out? And why were the elves just standing on a hill whilst goblins were running amok?

Is "light through a ruby" violet or does it penetrate straight to the heart? I like the imagery but I'm not sure it makes sense. I guess "light through a saphire" would be blue; maybe that's more like what you're looking for.

I like the ogre and his ability to wreak havoc, but could a creature 8 feet tall really destroy an entire army? He would have to be immortal, because footman could always swarm him while archers bristled him with arrows. I say either make him bigger, have some sort of supernatural power, or be less deadly. Then again, the claim of his might was made by some unnamed and probably pannicking soldier. Perhaps you could simply add something that tells us this is probably an exaggeration.

"Screaming in pain, the ogre swung its weapon into the cliff above him. Ignoring the falling rocks, he swung the halberd at the brute's legs, catching it above the knee." The antecedents are a bit tricky in these lines. I realize that "he" always refers to Lore and "it" always refers to the ogre, but maybe you could make that a little clearer.

I like the ending. I would only add that I would expect Lore to be more than just "stunned from the blow". Getting hit with a tree trunk could easily cripple or kill a man, so maybe you could allude to some pain, blood, protruding bone, etc.

Keep on writing; I want to know what happens next!

By the way, I might apply for your Novelistic Dreams group once I get my first 3 chapters posted (which mostly involves cutting and pasting from Microsoft Word).

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