This story is surprising to say the least. I thought your (characters)experience was interesting and the endingwas perfect. There are several typographical errors that you might consider correcting, all in all, entertaining.
Mary,
That was very touching. I can not even begin to imagine how hard her disappearance has been for you. This piece was well written and well received.
Erika
Very funny. I know how it is to be a mover. I think this house is the first we've lived in this long (going on four years). We don't have a cocky, but we sure have pets. We once moved to Florida and used a moving van to do it with. I put my cats in the back and one of them literally sweated the entire trip.
I gave you a 5.0 because I enjoyed your story so much, but you do have a typo. One of your commas is sitting by itself.
A man may have a castle built from hard clay and stone
These openers paint a vivid picture for me and I find that I can agree with your views.
The reason I gave you a 4.5 is (and I'm not an expert on poetry, so please take this with a grain of salt)you repeat the word "closely" in the same sentence and because the the closing sentence in the first paragraph seems...well I don't know. Consider taking out the word "all" from:
Your piece was easy to identify with. I had similar ideas the other day. What is curling within us? Is it so ugly that those looking at us would shy away? Or is it just what we think of ourselves? I think there are probably a lot of us who can't wait to get home and be connected.
This was very funny. I loved the two yous and the battle within was great. It might've been fun to watch the two yous come out on stage instead of the "me". The two yous were funny and a mirror of what most of us feel when we have to get up and speak in front of others. In fact, I have two yous coming out tonight as I have to give a presentation in front of my peers. I'll skip the weed though, since I believe I would want to hide instead.
I loved this. I remember sending my daughters off to their very first day of school. I have to say that I have never enjoyed poetry, but I am beginning to like it.
You have a few typo's I thought you'd be interested in:
>Reading and writing are so much fun<
Consider replacing the word "are" with "is"
>A hockey player who wins a Stanley cup<
You should capitalize the "c" in cup. And I think it's "the Stanley Cup" I'm not sure, but I think it is.
This was very unique. I enjoyed it, though I was not able to visualize what your story. I knew what you were talking about and your words were very sexy, but there was such minute detail. Nevermind, I did enjoy the piece. It was quite different from anything else I've read. Good Job.
This was an interesting character sketch. I have never seen anyone do it this way. I usually go through the whole process of birthdates, occupations, etc. I like it. I would be interested to see where you take this.
This was a good short. There is a lot of emotion and movement that promptly pulls the reader in. Unfortunately, there are several typing errors and misspelled words that it makes the short difficult to read and understand completely.
I would be happy to help you any time. I can run your short through a spell checker or even give you a line-by-line edit if you would like.
That was wild stuff. And I believe it too. Did you continue to play with that board or did you allow the future to unfold without your fore-knowledge? At first I thought you were going to say that your men lost. I bet they really were stunned. Lucky for them they played the best they could instead of allowing that board control their actions.
I had a similar experience as a teenager and before that my mother always played that with Scrabble pieces and a drinking glass. It's spooky.
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