This is an exceptionally well-written story. I like that it captures an all-too-familiar theme of modern life, Alzheimer's. In my opinion, you allow the reader a realistic glance into the emotions and thoughts of a sufferer's loved one.
The only, absolutely minor, detail I can suggest correcting is the spelling of the word "preserving" in the next-to-last sentence. (It is spelled "perserving" in the story)
Wow, this is a powerful piece of writing. Your passionate positions on the topics covered are clear end evident. You write effectively and convincingly, conditions which are enhanced by your command of vocabulary. It is also very clear you have well-formed thoughts on this topic, as opposed to half-baked opinion based entirely in emotion.
Regarding the topic of addiction, I have spent 18 years as a non-recovering (never-been-addicted) addictions treatment professional. I truly believe there are multiple factors which lead to addiction.
One of my most spouted mantras is imploring people to focus on "what" rather than "why"... look at the facts, find a solution... don't waste precious time/energy looking for a root cause. If a woman is pregnant, does she need to determine why she became pregnant to cope effectively with the pregnancy? If a person becomes diabetic, do they need to know why they are diabetic to make the life changes necessary to live with their condition? With any condition, what is most important is accepting the condition exists and developing coping strategies to live with/eliminate/manage the condition.
There... I'm off my soapbox now.
Nice job with your writing and conveying your passionate feelings.
This is admirably well-written as well as thought-provoking. I like the message. I found no areas where I might suggest imrovement or modification, it appears to be thoroughly edited and thought through. I enjoyed reading this and pondering the topics it raised. Good work.
Great story, well-told. This is excellent reading. I enjoyed understanding Nick's perspective by knowing his thoughts and emotions.
The story also nicely illustrates a major growing experience for a young man. The episode describes his transformation from near-quitter in the beginning to mature adult who places more value on his conflict than the trophy.
The writing flows nicely, the descriptions are clear yet not over-wrought, and I find no areas to suggest change or correction. Nice work!
This is a very emotional poem. I am an addictions treatment professional, and have seen too many people who lived this scene.
You capture the fear and desperation of the situation, and shed light onto a topic many never open up about. This could be very therapeutic for certain readers, just to know someone understands.
I truly believe the precepts you espouse in this essay. I could not agree more with your observations regarding material posessions and happiness. I also very much like the concept of happiness not being a "destination", rather, a state of being.
I like your plain-spoken writing style, and your ability to give some personal obsevations without sounding "preachy".
I would have a difficult time giving suggestions for change or improvement. Nice writing and great insight.
This is a wonderful telling of an event worthy of documentation. The dialogue flows realistically. The way you effectively give insight into Abbie's thoughts and emotions helps endear her to the reader. You also cleverly develop Lisa as a real "bitch".
You have the beginning of a very interesting story here. Several directions spring to mind (creepy tale of a haunted house, sad tale of a family tragedy, fun tale of a hermit who befriends the girl and tells her the stories of this place, which belongs to him...maybe even develops the urge to rejuvenate it after their friendship invigorates him (?)).
You have a good sense of imagination, and several of your discriptions paint vivid images.
If I were to make a suggestion it would be to edit some of the sentences for length. Examples:
The lane led out onto a broad gravel driveway, which ran past the front of the building in a sweeping loop that had clearly been intended to enable carts to deliver their passengers to the door and then carry on in the direction they were heading.
Once again, this was uncharacteristic, but before she could wonder about these aberrations from her normal attitude, the canopy overhead became alive with the hissing of heavy rain, and she started to run as the first large droplets succeeded in penetrating the leaf-cover above.
Also, maybe a little simplification of some descriptions, for the sake of easier reading.
Again, excellent foundation for a very fun project. I will be interested in seeing where you take this story. Good work!
I'm not much of a poetry aficianado, but occasionally I read some just to broaden my horizons. All the better if I can find some well-written erotic poems, at least the subject helps me stay interested!
I like this poem. You do a good job of using the stanzas to build the tension, then to convey the release in the end. Your chice of words seems natural, not forced for the purpose of a rhyme, etc.
I also found myself envying the writer to whom you were "speaking", for their ability to write so powerfully as to elicit these effects.
Good work. Maybe I'll read a little more poetry once in a while.
(Shannon: I think I might have messed this up on the first attempt, so I'm re-submitting it. If you receive it twice, that's the explanation.)
Shannon:
This is a really cute story which endears you to your reader while providing deeper life lessons in the process. The fact that you are a nurse says you are caring, compassionate, and hard working. Your story tells us you are kind and sensitive, too.
Your proud owning of the nickname, along with your continued awareness of the stain, are enduring tributes to someone who had such a nice impact upon your life. My guess is Rose would be honored to know she is remembered so fondly.
A final observation is you do an excellent job telling the story, which is very personal to you, in a manner others will find interesting and entertaining. Not necessarily an easy challenge, but one you carried off well.
This is a very creative ending to the timeless tale. It flies in the face of "happily ever after". Your writing is good. I would suggest, as has been suggested to me on several occasions, attempting to simplify sentences for ease of reading, without sacrificing impact of the words. The more you write, the easier that becomes.
Your creativity is what is important, and that appears very strong. Good work! Keep writing!
This is an incredibly sad piece of writing. You do an excellent job of expressing the bleak pain of your outlook. There are a few sentences that could be cleaned up for easier reading, but they don't affect your conveyance of emotions.
I read this a while back, but must have been in a hurry. I guess I needed to read it again!
This is excellent on several fronts.
The story itself is worthy of telling. It is a surreal, once in a lifetime experience. I can imagine it would be unforgettable.
You did an exceptional job of relaying the story. For an event you did not witness firsthand, you were able to describe it in a way that made it fascinating. Your use of description captures the setting and emotion of the event.
Finally, the structure of the sentences and the vocabulary utilized are very well thought out. It kept me engaged and interested.
Has Donnie read this? I'm curious of his response....do you tell it more interestingly than he does, or is it told verbatem, with you acting as a "stenographer" of sorts?
Excellent work. Nice story, well told, very well written.
Awesome!! You really give great insight into your passion for your motorcycle and the freedom the two of you experience together. Your love for the entire process is obvious.
I'm not a motercycle enthusiast, but your writing really helps me understand why you and others are.
I enjoy your insights, and find your message always encouraging. I return to your port regularly. Your style helps me to break through my rigidity, and your work always provides a great laugh.
This is well written and very comical. You did an excellent job keeping realistic the details of an entirely fictional situation. Your insight into the characters' thoughts, feelings, and desires were well described. You were thorough in providing viewpoints of all the main characters.
The story was funny in its ridiculousness and in the way it provided view into human nature from the perspective of a giraffe. The aspect I appreciated most was the blending of human qualities with giraffe thoughts. Well done.
This is a nice story with an important message. As with all your stories of your children, the love flows through the words--even when not directly discussing the kids. Your sentiments about motherhood, experiences, and interactions with your kids tell your reader of the happiness and joy they add to your life.
The concept of reclaiming aspects of youth lost to adulthood piques the interest of adult readers, most of whom will relate. I know I did. I like how you use swinging as the example to make your point. I remember that experience, almost exactly as you describe it. Except, I don't handle nausea well and did not persist in reclaiming the ability to swing.
You very effectively give voice to emerging thoughts and feelings associated with aging. I could really sense your shock and fear as you experienced limitations of age for the first time. Again, I relate to what you write, and feel a connection when I relate.
In your great style, you conclude with a positive, well written, beautifully expressed thought:
"What a delight to be in the sun in the park with my kids and not feel the fear of growing older. Only smiles and laughter and flight. My son and I each reaching a little bit higher."
My mom did not work outside our home before I went to kindergarten. This story brings back memories of the fun things we did together while dad was at work. I very much enjoyed reading this, and know your children will have lifelong happy memories of these times with you.
For a little constructive input:
There is nothing I would change in terms of content. Possibly read through and look at fragments (I know you like them!) as a person unfamiliar with the story. Be sure the fragments effectively and accurately convey the thought you want to express. If so, change nothing.
Nice story and nice message. Very good work. Thanks for the prompt for reminiscing.
Hot off the press! Just checked in quickly before starting the weekend, and found your newest gem.
I have noticed a pattern with myself as a reader: I have to get to "know" an author before I care about what they say. I love columns and short stories, and can usually tell within a few paragraphs if I will like reading what the author writes, if I will care about what they say.
My sentiments toward your writing are well documented, so I won't beat that again. My point in all this is, as a writer whose works I've come to enjoy, I like to get to "know" you and form that type of bond. A story such as this helps me know you even better.
You are a good story teller. You make the details interesting, and as always, your very positive outlook sets a pleasant tone. That's a winning combination of qualities. You have made even a Nebraska winter seem friendly and desirable. (Maybe you should contact their tourism bureau?---they might want you to write something for them)
I enjoyed reading this story, because it is yours and much more importantly because it is well written. Very nice work.
You told me, in your review of my essay, you are a social worker. You obviously have a strong insight into this type of situation. You paint a solid mental image. Your descriptions are vivid, and the details are realistic. This is a short story that would lend easily to expansion into a longer story, or act as a chapter of a book.
I have a few thoughts for your consideration if you are interested in constructive feedback. Listed below are areas I will make suggestions:
small close kitchen<a comma would make this flow better>
Her long green polyester skirt itched like a rash.<The skirt did not itch...she itched...the skirt may scratch or chafe, but not itch. The skirt made her skin itch like she had a rash>
television screen, turned down low <the screen is the video...the audio, or volume, would be turned down low>
it slowly dawned on her, creeping into her<it slowly crept into her conscious mind...flows better, more readable>
The dilema now was how to get financial aid before leaving home to pay for housing and college <This sounds like she's leaving home to pay for housing and college...I suspect you meant.."The dilemma now; how to get financial aid for housing and college, prior to leaving home."
The Sandwich was entertaining and educational for this reader.
I am a new fan of the Sardine Sandwich and its effective, humorous writing insights. Not taking myself and the "rules of writing" too seriously is a great concept to be reminded of.
It is Monday, and I needed something to brighten my afternoon. One of my first thoughts was to read one of your creations. It worked!
This story brought back lots of nice childhood memories of times with my mom, before I started school. Your descriptions of precious moments with your children illustrate a loving home and a caring mother. The insight into your feelings which you interject throughout the essay are honest and refreshing.
It is real to have moments where you enjoy peace and quiet, then later feel guilty for those thoughts. Good job identifying and expressing them. Your use of italics makes them even more effective.
If there were any area of the essay to work on, I would suggest this paragraph:
This creature...this aborition of his dad and me...this boy who once depended on me for everything and now spends most of his waking moments trying to push me back so he can claim his independence just disappeared behind that metal. As the door clanks, I am left feeling so much regret for not enjoying him more, yesterday.
I don't find "aborition" in a dictionary, so your intent with the word loses its effect. The only words close to it are "abortion"-I know that's not it, and "aberration"-which may be it, but not sure? I think the rest of the paragraph could benefit from sentence simplification or restructuring, as well.
Otherwise, GREAT essay. Your children are blessed with a wonderful mom!
Okay, I couldn't hold off any longer. I had to read some more! This is so powerful on so many levels I don't even know where to start.
1. Your opening paragraph is sensational. It is simplistic, yet sets an emotional tone for the essay. I couldn't think of one word to change or re-arrange that could make it any better.
2. Exceptional, vivid recall and description of emotions you felt as a child. You explain to the reader the basis for your feelings, opening a window to your heart. You accurately inform the reader of the roles your parents played, and the dynamics of your family relationships. This really defines the significance of the tattoo and your reaction to it.
3. Several sentences are constucted so eloquently. I love:
She got it while drunk on Jose Quervo and the knowledge that she had finally left my dad for good.
Over twenty years had passed since the tequila warmed her veins and numbed her to the tattooist's needle.
I wish I could have known her then, as the adult I am now.
.....I love effective writing, and these sentences are effective.
4. In your conclusion you show the growth and maturity the years have given you. Your acceptance, even envy, of your mother's tattoo is truly heartwarming.
I have to believe, with a few VERY MINOR tweaks, this essay could be submitted for publication.
If I were to make suggestions, they would be:
Not the woman who dressed me, feed me, held me when I was sick, but the woman who ached, was lonely, and had feelings that I couldn't understand back then.
<"feed"="fed"><Also, maybe turn this into two sentences?>
in whatever town we happened to be living in.
<drop the last "in">
She made sure our clothes were clean and that my brother and I felt loved. Always striving to build some bit of stability into our harried lives. My dad was the selfish one. Always doing what felt good at the time. Skipping work to go fishing with his buddies, which included getting high on weed and cheap whiskey.
<I wouldn't necessarily change any words, but possibly punctuate differently and form complete sentences?--Unless you are going for the effect of sentence fragments, which is a valid approach>
I have a few people in my life whose advice on writing I trust. A common theme they have all professed is to be certain to not lose my "voice". I pass this along because, as I've told you previously, your voice in your writing is amazing. Stay true to it. So far, so good!
This was a very difficult, dark story to read. It is very well written. I can find no errors, inconsistencies, or places in need of repair. You did an excellent job of turning the tables, of giving insight into the main character's thoughts, and of giving just enough history to provide understanding without being too descriptive. Great work!
-Eric
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/estrauser1985
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 8:11am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
