Hi , Shannon after reading "Abby" I offer you these comments:
First Impression: Overall your short story was pretty good. It was sad!
What I liked: You gave good descriptions of the settings and your characters.
Suggestions:
While reading your story it seems you are writing in the 3rd person, if this is so, should the reader know the thoughts of both characters, "How do I say this? The woman thought". I would try rewording to say something like, " The woman was not quite sure of how to say." Then later "Abby thought" maybe you can change that to say, "Abby realized the person looked like her ." Start reading where you said, "The person lying...looks like me" until the ending of your story and ask yourself, when did Abby leave the scene, because you said (7 lines up from the bottom), "they got to the girl...". One last thing, God should be capitalized.
Hi Hyperiongate, after reading "Matriphobia" I offer you these comments:
First Impression: Your opening sentence "His pulse raced..." grabbed and kept my attention. I was curious and wanted to see what Brad was about to do. Before I read your last line, "I do," I thought he was going into the work force, but marriage is work too!
What I liked: I liked the way that your story unfolds, great idea you had in asking the question,"Would things be better or worse?" at the end of your story. Also, You made it easy for the reader to be able to identify with the different stages of life. I enjoyed your story.
Suggestions: Prehaps you could have gave a short description of the bride.
Hi Hyperiongate, after reading "Matriphobia" I offer you these comments:
First Impression: Your opening sentence "His pulse raced..." grabbed and kept my attention. I was curious and wanted to see what Brad was about to do. Before I read your last line, "I do," {b/} I thought he was going into the work force, but marriage is work too!
What I liked: I liked the way that your story unfolds, great idea you had asking the question,"would things be better or worse? at the end of your story. You made it easy for the reader to be able to identify with the different stages of life.
Suggestions: Prehaps you could have gave a short description of the bride.
Cecelia
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