Another piece by your hand which is neatly rhymed and nicely paced.
The beauty will surrender to a bitter cold.
Under the snows white blanket all is froze -- snow's
This penning has a very dreamy feel to it and draws well upon the turn of weather in many areas at the moment. One immediately identifies with the narration due to the chill they feel in the air around them as well as the apt wording and imagery.
I did feel that the last two lines let the writing down somewhat and wondered if there was an alternative way of stating your thoughts here...
Florida has the best all around seasons.
Older people live there that is the reason
----------
Florida maintains a warmer season
older people live there for this reason
although I would recommend a further stanza for best effect to complete the thought and round off the whole.
I hope this helps and feel free to ignore the suggestions if you don't agree :)
The mixed tense here was a little difficult to mentally correct as I read, but I think if that were changed this would be a significantly better piece. It's always a disconcerting feeling to be a separate entity once more and this is a honest-feeling portrayal of that pain of losing for all the wrong reasons.
I love that you chose to use a rhyming structure in this and apart from a few seemingly forced rhymes this worked very well in general for emphasis throughout. I would love to see this tweaked and returned to the page as I truly believe that it deserves it. Email me if you do this and I will be happy to read it again as talent is always good to read.
This is a very descriptive piece of writing which arrests the reader easily. Initially I was looking for a second chapter but then realised that this was written for a particular purpose. I still wanted an odd twist or turn to explain things further. At present, you are heavily reliant upon the reader's subjectivity and interpretation in an almost entirely write your own reasons and ending scenario. If this were your intent then I question it as this precludes the reader's main reason to read it - to see what happens.
A little direction may be best placed to achieve full marks from me. What is instantly noticeable is the quality of the writing and the build of description which is obviously easy to you. I appreciated this very much and enjoyed the read!
Very sad and filled with gouts of passion. A beautiful, tender and logical thought process running through to the end. The sadness very openly expressed and honest. Well done. This is well written and a really beautiful expression of emotion.
A very sad piece. The absence of the comfort faith brings, hitting you in one moment above all others. Piercing the heart of the problem here is the abandonment you are left with. It seems this gap is the one you want filled but by something you can believe in with more certainty than faith. A sad piece really because so many search for decades in order to eventually find faith and it seems this process worked in reverse for you.
A deep and thought provoking write. Thank you for sharing this piece with us. You obviously have a talent which would be sad to waste no matter what and your work has been sorely missed, Please keep your pen moving.
A very peaceful feeling arrived with each fresh line of this piece. Thank you so much for that! A contented and peaceful accepting in this which is very beautiful.
Awww this is so sweet. I love that it states so clearly the aim and makes us care about the snowflakes. Thank you for this bright burst on a chilly evening! I enjoyed it very much.
FailedChoices
Awesome! I really enjoyed this so much. A clear five - It had me laughing and I loved the pace and flow of this well rhymed piece. Thank you so much for sharing this with us and brightening my evening. I simply adore this piece and am adding it to my fan list.
FailedChoices
What a beautiful piece this is. I could read this piece all day long and still want to read it again. it seems to be written almost in the old poetic style and as such, sings off the page with a will of its own. This one really blows me away and I wish you the best here on site.
Good Work here
Suggestion:
I wonder would 'silted' suit better in the last line or not.
I really like the subject matter and readability/believability of Tom and Sarah's narrative in this piece. It could make a very good story and so nearly does that I feel bad making some suggestions. My own writing is not fantastic and I feel badly placed to critique another's but I hope that you will accept it in the spirit meant and that it proves useful to you. This story has a lot of promise, however, I feel it unfair to omit the ideas that I flung down when reading this piece and they are in no way an exhaustive critique.
Possibly the biggest hurdle for me to surmount whilst reading this piece was the short sentence structure. This might just be my personal preference but I feel it lends itself to a faster paced choppier piece. For smoother readability you might consider connecting two or three of them together to make for an easier read.
Some sentences that I felt could benefit from changes which I flung down in another screen as I went along. I hope they help.
He was the first boy her age that she didn't want to drag her fist across his face at one time or another.
This was the memory that surfaced on Sarah one morning when she ....
There was something they both enjoyed about being there while it was nearly devoid of teenage life.
She began pulling the ribbon carefully, but when she wasn't getting anywhere, she pulled it hard until it snapped.
(she wasn't?)
Her motions being quite unexpected, Tom leaned uneasily into the kiss at first. But their nervousness soon slipped into the lambent, tender kiss she'd been imagining over the last couple years
(motions ... couple 'of' years)
Neither of them took notice of the students who were then trickling into the hallway. (were beginning to trickle - maybe sounds better)
Mrs. Johnson, who stood with her arms folded by the classroom door ten feet away.(sounds like the door folded her arms)
She picked up her head and looked under the other desks.(picked up her head just sounded wrong to me here and I would suggest
swapping the word 'lifted' with picked for a smoother feel)
YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE TALENT OTHERWISE I WOULD NEVER HAVE READ TO THE END OR BOTHERED TO WRITE, WHAT IS FOR ME, A RATHER THOROUGH REVIEW. Please forgive me the criticism of such a lovely piece which I enjoyed immensely.
How lovely is this. Chilling and logical it continues its pace inexorably towards its conclusion and I loved it so much. A unique piece with a unique hand (ghost written or no) that i simply adored. Thank you
This was so close to being perfect. It was gently, applicably and beautifully rhymed throughout until the last stanza. Other than this it was so beautiful and I loved it so much.
Any ear that is expectant might be a line that could remedy the loss of rhyme there.
Really good work and I will be back to read more of your stuff to which end I am sending points
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful piece. I heard its voice loud and clear
Fresh and charming this had so many elements of biblical and religious overtones that i found myself reading and pondering the meaning over and over. This is, I think, your desire. I loved it and I think it would work as a tract for adults or children alike.
Thank you so much for sharing this lovely little piece with us. May bubble be happy and safe always
Failedchoices
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