** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
 I happened to read your piece, and thought I would leave you with a review!
 This review is meant to be helpful, and is an effort to help improve you work
 First Impressions/How it Made me Feel: I almost cried when I read this story. I had a cousin who died on a motorcycle. She was pulling out of her driveway, and was hit by a truck. But I love how you keep the story moving, and move on from your loss. You see the positives instead of the negatives, and it gave me a lift. The emotions you made me feel with your writing was wonderful.
 What needs improvement:
I only saw a few errors, which I will point out below:
 You Wrote:You see, my mom was a pretty cool mom, even though she was a military mom.
I Suggest: I grew up in a military family. My dad's in the Air Force, and he is really cool because of it. I don't think you should downplay the fact that she was in the military. I think it would be really cool if you raised her up for being in the military, defending the country.
You Wrote:Not for me, not for my 3 siblings, my two younger brothers and my one sister.
I Suggest: I found this repetitive. Perhaps you could consider rewriting it like this:
Not for me, and not for my two younger brothers and sister.
You Wrote:I mean, yea, sure, don't get me wrong it was cool when she picked one of us up from school on her motorcycle. It was pretty awesome really.
I Suggest: I mean, don't get me wrong, it was cool when she picked one of us up from school on her motorcycle. It was awesome, really.
You Wrote:Apparently, somebody just forgot to chech their blind spot, merged, and hit my mom.
I Suggest:You misspelled check:
Apparently, somebody just forgot to check their blind spot, merged, and hit my mom.
You Wrote:I believed I had lost my siblings, and then I would lose my mind. Who knew? I was wrong.
I Suggest: I think you could split this into two seperate paragraphs to give it more emphasis. Also, I would switch the last two sentences with each other:
I believed I had lost my siblings, and then I would lose my mind.
But I was wrong. Who knew?
You Wrote:Yet, they still took us in. Born with Cerebral Palsy and Spinal Meningitis, she was my fourth sibling, and I loved her like the rest of them.
I Suggest:Just a suggestion, but I would like to know her name since you specifically give details about her.
 Food for thought: This was a wonderful piece. You have a wonderful voice in your writing. I loved how you kept repeating the phrase "Who knew?" throughout the story for emphasis. It really worked well.
Good job! And welcome to WDC! I hope to see more of your writing soon!
Sarah Kate
| |  | Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1865203 by Not Available. |
"Invalid Item"
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
|
|
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
First Impressions:
Did it Follow the Prompt:
Grammar:
Overall:
)
Welcome to WDC from "
), so this poem hit close to home.
The "
This review is meant to be helpful, and is an effort to help improve you work
), but I do have three younger brothers. I remember when they were little I tried to help my parents as best as I could potty training them. Not as funny as this, but there were those moments...
I hope you have an umbrella ready!
This poem was beautiful! Your descriptions were wonderful, and I could feel the adoration and love of the speaker in your poem. 
I am a Power Reviewer, and I am Raiding your Portfolio!