Some good ideas and a fair start. However it is confusing to read. With flashbacks and different points of view, it is difficult to know where you are. Perhaps separating these as chapters, all be it small ones, would help.
Also, describing everyones height and hair and eyes becomes a little predictable and repetatie and isn't strictly necessary. Perhaps their descriptions could be included in a more subtle way.
For example
" She turned towards me and her brilliant sapphire eyes flashed their amusement"
( not taken from your piece).
This way you know the colour of her eyes without having to list her features.
Keep writing though, this shows promise, you certainly have imagination.
My suggestions are just that, suggestions, don't be disheartened, I just want you to think about other possibilities.
Good work.
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I really like the structure of this poem, the repetition of the first two lines draws it all together. The contrasting pairs of experiences are well chosen and very nicely described, to paint pictures in our minds.
A very good piece of writing, thank you for sharing this.
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A good poem with good description and a lovely rhythm to it. The rhyming is consistent, too, and doesn't seem forced. It has a nice sea shanty feel to it.
The repetition of the first line pulls it all together and , well, I like it.
I think that the flow of the poem, bobs like a wave.
This story, unfortunately doesn't really tell a story. Did his father survive? It says later he died. Why is he in a cell if he is only seven?
The spelling needs some major revision. I also spotted a lot of incorrect words, which don't make sense.
For example: those powerful words that shake the grown below his feet ground? On his seven short years In? right after the explotion of the plain that he was traveling in explosion? plane?
There are others, but I don't want to point out every error.
I would recommend a revision of the piece to put these errors right. This will make it easier to read.
In addition, I think you should add some explanation of why he is in a cell.
This would give it more substance.
Don't be disheartened though. Keep writing!
This is a very shocking story. I have to say I did not expect what happened, and just as I was wondering why this would happen and so horribly; you explained it.
I won't give it away here as people may want to read it for themselves.
Your description is in places good, but I think this could be made more shocking and horrific, if that is your wish, by describing the attack more, as it happens. Instead of describing just the beginning and then the aftermath.
Promising though.
I read this because my daughter found it and told me it was her favourite poem ever.
With praise like that I just had to take a look.
I wasn't disappointed.
This is excellent. The use of language is amazing, I wish I could write like that.
I must go and find my dictionary and thesaurus, because now I am feeling ridiculously inadequate in the language department.
I would recommend this to all novice writers, and to everyone else too.
Ok, you weren't kidding about this being short. However, short as it is it is still good. I do feel however that it is perhaps too short to say very much and perhaps you could consider expanding the idea.
The feeling is good but in order to engage a reader there needs , I feel, to be more.
This is so full of feeling, which builds until at the end it is almost overwhelming. It seems as if you have lived this. I think many of us can relate to it in part.
Your descriptions are vivid and express the feelings of loss and pain with consistency and clarity.
I don't know how you would improve it as this is a very personal piece.
Good writing.
I am still smiling from reading this. A very clever and amusing poem, which has an element of truth in it, which many of us will relate to.
Humorous, clever, well written, with a lovely rhythm which continues all the way through.
I wouldn't try to suggest how it could be improved; I would just recommend that everyone read this to cheer them up. It is delightful.
It would appeal strongly to children.
Well done
A good story, written from a good idea, that we will be happier when we accept ourselves.
One or two things..
Spelling - Malevolent.
There may be others but I do not want to pick this apart sentence by sentence. The same is true of the punctuation, it requires some revision, but I leave that to you.
I prefer just to get a feel for a piece of writing, and this is a good start. With perhaps a little more description and a better flow to some of the sentences it will be a very good piece of wrting.
You write dialogue very well. I found the story really came to life when the talking started.
So well done. Keep on writing
I am confused by this item. There does not appear to be enough information to be a story. No beginning and no end, just some sentences.
I would point out that I should always be capitalised not i.
This could be a paragrah introducing a story and setting the scene, and as that it has promise.
I would like to see this idea developed into a full piece of writing.
Wow. What an utterly exhausting read. Though I suspect that is what you intended. It works very well and leaves me with some very strong images and, I admit, a head full of your words. A piece of writing that actually does what it says and infects you with its words and images, leaving you breathless. It even makes me write more wordily.. lol great.
Thank you
Good story. You manage to engage the reader in very few words and yet not give away the ending. It is clever writing and could easily be the starting place for a longer piece as well as standing strongly on its own. You have a talent for telling a story.
I like your poem. The imagery related to the colours is very vivid and visual.
The rythm is good and the lines flow well.
It conveys the sense of emotions seen through the predominent colours clearly and attractively.
Well done, I like your style and would like to read more.
Excellent story, well told and with enough description to make it come to life.
I have to admit I don't like spiders at all, however I find reading about them a lot less disturbing than watching them.
All in all clever and well written. I look forward to reading more of your writing
I read this because it is called frozen and reminded me of the title of my own poem, which it is nothing like lol.I like this. I can relate to lost friends and wondering sometimes how we drifted apart. Perhaps this is a fact of life. I find your writing descriptive and interesting and would like to read more of it. Well done
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