First, let me thank you for introducing me to a Lee Brice song I haven't heard before. He is one of my favorite country singers.
Initial impression: I love the way you ramp up the sexual tension between Taylor and Lina. I could relate to Lina as I have a husband who doesn't dance except once in a blue moon. Lina was persistent in getting her lover to the dance floor and she reaped the benefits for doing so. She knew what would work for her man.
Technical suggestions: I detected some run-on sentences which might benefit from being split into two or maybe even three sentences. An example would be the last sentence in the fourth paragraph. I also noted an abundance of -ly adverbs. My editor has told me not to use more than one -ly adverb per 300 words. I counted 8 in this story, three in one paragraph alone (paragraph 5).
My favorite parts: I loved it when Taylor called Lina a "minx". Not a term I see often but like. I also love the last sentence, "I intend to do a lot more than that."
Overall impression: I'm giving this piece a score of 4 because, although I love the story, I stumbled over some of the technical issues. Also I wanted to follow this couple home and see Taylor make good on the promise he gave Lina at the end.
Initial impression: I enjoyed this light-hearted soccer romp which turned sexy. This short story meets all the requirements of the prompt. Lina and Taylor have a great relationship with both not above being a little bit naughty at times.
Suggestions: Any suggestions I would have would be nit-picking. The story is good as it stands.
Overall Impression: This a nicely written piece of light erotica. Well done.
Initial Impression: I feel the preparations for my anniversaries, all 42 of them, have been woefully inadequate. I love the idea of using the number theme for the anniversary.
What I liked: You did a great job of showing the preparations for this anniversary and showing why this was an important anniversary for this couple.
Suggestion for improvement: I would have liked to have seen the story continue to on to include their anniversary night. It is almost like you teased me with the beginning and then closed the door in my face.
Overall Impression: I can't help but think you meant more for this story but ran out of time. This unfinished aspect is the main reason for the rating of 3.5.
I would love to see the finished piece at some point if you do complete it. I know the challenges of trying to meet multiple deadlines. Write on!
First impressions: I loved this interplay between the young sweethearts. You brought back all the memories of the angst young inexperienced couples go through. I'm not surprised the girl had to make some of the first moves. I don't think I would be married now if I'd waited until he got his nerve up.
Suggestions: In the third paragraph, I think you need an 'a' before June bug. Further down in the piece, I think there is a double space between a couple of paragraphs. If I had written this story, I think I would have left out the sweaty parts. That's just me. Other reviewers might feel it gives the story realism and it does illustrate the young man's anxiety quite well.
Overall impression: This is a very nicely done piece illustrating the awkwardness of young love. As I noted above, it reminded me of my husband's courting of me. He must have done something right - we've been married for 42 years.
I loved this piece, the way you blended romance, the paranormal, and the other woman (the house) in this story. I half expected Micah to trip and fall to his death but I like your ending better. The Woman in the Window is a bittersweet love story which I thoroughly enjoyed.
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your work. I am not an expert reviewer. I am just another writer, but I know it is the reviews that help us to perfect our craft. My opinions are given in the spirit of encouragement and motivation.
Title: I would suggest Fools Rush In instead of the prefacing it with the word April. But other than that, the title was very apt.
Prompt: Your story met the requirements of the prompt.
Grabber: The macabre aspects of the story certainly made an impression.
What I liked best: This was definitely not a cookie-cutter story.
Tips for improvement: I would suggest you read your story out loud before posting. This little tip helps you catch punctuation mistakes and words that are missing. I don’t think you meant for the bottom quarter of your story to be entirely in italics either.
Overall impression: In my opinion, this piece would have been better suited for the Two Sides to Every Story contest since your story leans more in the direction of horrotica than erotica.
Thank you for entering Round 108 of The Weekly Quickie.
I really liked your Flash Fiction entry yesterday. It seems every rural community has a story about someone who died as a result of a fast approaching blizzard. On the frontier there was rarely a second chance to survive mistakes, whether from bad judgement or just plain bad luck. I grew up in rural South Dakota and we had a story of two sisters being caught in a blizzard while walking home from school. When the two were found, it was discovered that the older sister had covered the younger one with her body. The younger one survived as a result. It hit home to me that, as an older sister, it was my duty to see that my younger sisters survived. I don't think that sense of responsibility for my siblings ever left me.
Your stories are always clearly written without redundant words. I like your style - it is easy to read. I found no mistakes in grammar or punctuation either.
Your submission brought to mind the influence my father had on my life. I remember as a child when I was too busy to watch the lunar landing but my father insisted we watch it as a family. I'm so glad he realized the importance of what was happening.
On a technical matter, I believe you meant to include a comma in the first sentence instead of a period. In the fourth paragraph, I think you meant "breath" to be "breathe". Just a couple minor typos which you may want to correct before the judging.
Good luck.
Fiare
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fiare
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 6:33pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Write on!