Awesome! I can't begin to tell you how much I loved this! There was a lot of stuff from my childhood in there and I caught myself laughing out loud quite a bit. This is a great story. It does need a BUNCH of work to revise it (sorry- but true) but other than that, I really love it. :) Here's a few things I noticed that I wanted to point out. Please keep in mind that I have taken the time to point this stuff out to help you. I want you to try and make this story better in any way possible:
She was still picking up things at garage sales and thrift shops without even asking me, and one day she brought home a jacket that I only gave a passing glance as she explained she was going to fix the zipper and make some other repairs.
- there are quite a few run-on sentences in this piece. I do it too! :) But remember that breaking these down into smaller sentences just makes the piece easier to read and understand. Example: "She was still picking up things at garage sales and thrift shops without even asking me. One day she brought home a jacket. I only gave it a passing glance as she explained she was going to fix the zipper and make some other repairs."
I often felt wwamped by emotions and experiences I didn’t understand.
- wwamped should be swamped
The drop of a pencil, a flash of light, intense smells, tastes and bright colors often whirled around me in an explosion of sensations that blasted right in my face from about 10 different directions at once.
- "An explosion of sensations blasted right into my face; the drop of a pencil, a flash of light, intense smells, tastes and bright colors. They whirled around me in ten different directions at once." I think this works a little better, but I'm not the master of the semi-colon so I could be wrong!
There were so many secrets in this cold dark house.
-small, picky fix- "cold, dark house"
My father, a talented mechanic who worked out of the house, was not the kind of man you could trust with your feelings, so I was the only person she felt she could trust.
- another run-on. Try: "My father, a talented mechanic, worked out of the house. He wasn't the kind of man you could trust with your feelings. I ended up being the only person my mom felt she could trust."
I felt obligated to take care of her emotionally; I also felt compelled to defend myself against her manipulations, and compelled not to, because we were members of the Church of Christ, a church that followed a strict, liberal interpretation of the bible and therefore had no place for people like me, nor did the heaven it had created; it demanded absolute obedience regardless of circumstances, and I had to sit in church and constantly listen to the preacher insist that children obey their parents no matter what.
- Man, this is impressive just as one of the longest run-on sentences I have ever seen! hahaha :) Try this: "I felt obligated to take care of her emotionally. I also felt compelled to defend myself against her manipulations. We were members of the Church of Christ, a church that followed a strict, liberal interpretation of the bible, and therefore had no place for people like me. Nor did the heaven it had created. It demanded absolute obedience regardless of circumstances. I had to sit in church and constantly listen to the preacher insist that children obey their parents no matter what."
“Marshmallow” was the nickname he had pinned on me for looking, as he put it, “all jelled out”
- just a stylistic opinion- I would put "all jelled out" in italics instead of quotations.
It was a major effort to do anything – I couldn’t see anything as a part of a system or a process, I couldn’t concentrate on my studies, and everyone was coming down on me for not studying and getting better grades.
- Another run-on (I'm going through a few of these to give you some examples of how to remedy different kinds of these). Try: "It was a major effort to do anything. I couldn’t see anything as a part of a system or a process and I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. Everyone kept coming down on me for not studying and getting better grades."
I was a C student, and my parents and teachers insisted I was capable of straight As if I’d just try harder
- picky, picky... should be "A's"
The kids at Baker were manic micromanagers, as I suppose most teenagers are – American society is rife with micromanaging – and I think it’s only become worse since I was a teenager.
- Try: "The kids at Baker were manic micromanagers, as I suppose most teenagers are. American society is rife with micromanaging. I think it’s only become worse since I was a teenager."
Emotional connections were often strange and overpowering for me – making connections with people outside of the chaos ravaging my brain was extremely difficult – but I’d known them for so long that they’d come to accept my eccentricities and the relationship felt totally comfortable.
- Try: "Emotional connections were often strange and overpowering for me. Making those connections with people, outside of the chaos ravaging my brain, was extremely difficult. But, I’d known them for so long that they’d come to accept my eccentricities. The relationship(s?) felt totally comfortable."
To me, it was just another necessary evil, and I slipped away to sit by the campfire with Cabeza de Vaca and the other shipwrecked srvivors.
- should be "survivors"
** I had sent her a carnation for Valentine’s Day. She’d stripped off the petals, wrote “fuck head” on the card and stuck it in a slot in my locker. This had just made me want her even more.
- I love this line... hahahaha :) No errors. I just loved it.
However, the film featured a guy teaching his girlfriend how to smoke by first drawing on the joint, holding the smoke in your lungs, and then letting it out. I sat there watching the film and thought, ‘Oh, so that’s how you do it.’
- You might want to put the quote in italics- but I pointed this line out because, wow... this brings back the feeling of irony for the stuff they chose to show you in school. hahahaha How many kids learned the right way to do things they were NOT supposed to do. Good stuff! :)
I felt horrible now, because I could feel my mother feeling horrible.
- Just a lot of repetition in this line. Maybe try: "I felt horrible now, because I could see my mother was hurt." Something like that.
Well, that's it. For the first read through. :) I took a lot of time with this, again, because it spoke to me. I was constantly tormented during my childhood by stupid bullies and have since developed a HUGE adversion for them. Martial arts and working out have helped my viewpoint with them considerably. hahahaha :) Thanks a bunch for posting this. I really like it!!! Hopefully, with some revision, it will develop into the piece I think it can become. I hope this review helps. Keep writing!
-Figment |
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