I enjoyed this story of yours very much. I’ve read it once before my holiday and I’ve read it again now. It has an eerie feeling that I like. There are many questions raised and most of them aren’t answered. In fact, that is the kind of writing that I like, stories that begin and end not in the most predictable manner. The unpredictable storyline was what I liked the most.
On the one hand I think your language is quite original and you have your own voice. On the other hand, I sometimes think your writing is a bit wordy. Some things could be said in an easier way, but I feel you sometimes prefer not to. You often add several dependent clauses, which disturbs the flow. I think “flow” in writing is extremely important (while others love flowery descriptions of half a page). It is a question of taste. Anyway, I will give an examples
He couldn't stop thinking about her, the woman. (Here you could just say “He couldn’t stop thinking about the woman.” It is direct and flows perfectly, but maybe it’s not how you wish to say it.)
He became a photographer, desperate to freeze life into his subjects, almost frantic in his endless search for their souls, his quest for life. (This is another example. A number of dependent clauses. Grammatically correct but I don’t think it flows well if you have too many sentences constructed like this one.)
I think the dialogue could be better. See the section below:
"I had to find you." The woman's eyes were darting back and forth, reminding Terry of a pinball machine. "I need you."
"What do you need?" He still couldn't place her and was perplexed.
"I did something terrible." Her eyes were wide, eyelids fluttering like butterflies.
Approximately one third is real dialogue and two thirds are the author telling the reader about the situation. This creates a weakness, because the reader doesn’t get to know the characters from what the characters say, but mainly from how the author sees it was said.
A painful (but very funny) little story I am suffering alongside the poor protagonist. It flows well; well-structured and with a good pace. No typos or grammatical errors. Well done!
Kind regards,
Flitcraft
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Man, this is awesome! 404 words only. This is how a short-short story should be like. Set the scene. Let the reader step into another world. Just for a moment. Just a glimpse. The ending is just perfect.
If I would have written it, I would delete ‘"Rex Farr's Trailer". Jackass.’ because I just think it reads better that way (and I would probably have chosen to have written it in present tense as well, but that’s just me.)
Congratulations for an excellent piece!
Kind regards,
Flitcraft
Participant in:
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Hi Hannah,
Not bad, not bad. You know when to give the reader information, keeping the mystery throughout the story. Well done.
Some suggestions:
first chasing, than cornering the little beast. (than -> then)
his ears and body (grew and) elongated; (I find parenthesis a distraction in a text. I would not use it.) He stood, awkwardly and grabbed for the plastic bag containing his clothing. (It flows better if you kick the comma, I think.)
For the rest you could make this story look nicer on a computer screen by adding blank lines between the paragraphs.
Kind regards,
Flitcraft
Participant in:
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A short story about war in the office. A former co-worker becomes manager and turns into a real b****. It’s well-written, and your style of writing is very natural and flows very well. The structured writing, the paragraphing moves the story forward in a good pace. The only thing I was a bit unsure about was the ending. I felt it was a bit of an anticlimax. I had expected something “more.” Just a short, cryptic message and she feels better, and that’s it?
Typo: walking our of the room. (out)
Kind regards,
Flitcraft
Participant in:
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This story is quite abstract and has a strong poetic touch. You have a good rhythm in your language, which is crucial for a story like this. It is not a story in a traditional sense wit hevents unfolding. I see it more a journey of consciousness. This is not really my taste, but I think you’ve done a good job.
Kind regards,
Flitcraft
Participant in:
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A warewolf-tale from an original prespective. It’s pretty far away from what I usually read, but I think you’ve done a pretty good job. The ending is pretty gross, but well executed. Please check the first paragraph; you’ve got a couple of typos there.
Kind regards,
Flitcraft
Participant in:
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I’m not really sure if this is literally solid, though. One thing is for sure: you have a very original way of writing, and you break the rules of writing (if there are any) more often than I can say Strunk & White. I enjoyed your story, although I think that your spontaneous way of expression sometimes takes the overhand and the readability suffers as a consequence. Having the item description in Spanish will probably scare away some readers too.
All the best,
Flitcraft
Participant in:
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A beautiful piece of writing. Great rhythm in the language, not much happening in the story really, but the scenes are described in such a way, they really come alive. It was a pleasure to read.
I have a few suggestions He was self-taught by following a player piano in a theater where he worked as a teen. (you mean piano player, right?) The only spare bed was in his old room with me. So we retired upstairs at 2:00 and went right to sleep. (It’s own paragraph just to say that they went to bed is a bit unnecessary. I adds very little to the story. Consider saying it in one sentence and add it to the paragraph above.) I think “5 in the morning” looks better than “5:00 in the morning.” Use of jargon. I have no idea what “PT” and “KP” are. You up yet boys? (I’d add a comma after “yet”) "Be right there Ma." (I’d add a comma after “there”)
Looking forward to read more of you in the future!
It didn’t start well. I clicked in the link and I saw that the whole text was in pink. Pretty annoying. I copied it into word and made the text black. So I could read it.
Anyway, the story has qualities and problems. The storyline is clear, and the ending is skillfully done. The idea of a story within a story is a nice one. However, it doesn’t read easily. I had to read parts several times until I understood who said what when. Lots of single and double quotation marks; it’s pretty confusing.
I also think you should look at the dialogue again. Maybe you could use more contractions to make it sound more natural. Some dialogue sounds like British English from two centuries ago.
Examples:
‘I haven’t heard nor seen an owl.’ (Suggestion: ‘I haven’t heard or seen any owl.’)
‘I still did not see it.’ (Suggestion: ‘Well, I still didn’t see it.’)
Other Suggestions: The day was lovely, I recall. I felt something hit the hammock and the hammock began to sway a little. -> The day was lovely, I recall. I felt something hit the hammock and it began to sway a little. I swear that owl though I was mad. (thought)
All the best,
Flitcraft
Participant in:
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A short story about an astronaut. I found the story pretty interesting even though this genre is not really my taste. Anyway, you need to have another look at the spelling and punctuation.
Suggestions: "Not yet" he croaked, (comma after “yet”) as the roar of the ignition hit there ears. (their ears) He sat up all along that night starring up at the star (staring) He could remember his dad telling him that no matter what he should always follow his heart, if he did, he could accomplish anything. -> He could remember his dad telling him that no matter what, he should always follow his heart. If he did, he could accomplish anything.
All the best,
Flitcraft
Participant in:
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I’ve said it before and I’ve say it again – I really, really admire your writing. You have a very special, unique voice that in a way is very “simple” and makes the story have a children’s story feeling. But then, it is serious under the surface. This story really put a hook in me, and I did my best to find something to complain about but it was really hard.
Read all of Marx and Engels. Briefly admired Mussolini, a person many people thought was onto a good thing at the time, but then became interested in all these unusual anarchists. (maybe a comma instead of a full stop after Engels)
Who “all those unusual anarchists” are is not really clear to me, at least.
I think you have written a nice piece here, although I must admit that fantasy is not my cup of tea. You have a good flow in your language – I liked the beginning more than the end, but that’s me.
I have a few suggestions:
* Why spell north and south with a capital letter? Not necessary, I think.
* If you can’t make it just come back here and I’ll show you the way out. (comma after “it”)
* smirked (I just don’t like this word)
* Facetiously, he said, (unnecessary, you can cut it.)
* smart-ass (you can write it “smartass”)
* Jax’s eyes shone with glee, as he swung the branch down on his unmoving opponent. (delete the comma)
* The whole sequence where they are fighting is a bit boring, I think. Make it shorter.
* a thin smile on his face. (cliché / boring expression)
* a curious look on his face. (cliché / boring expression)
* “What the hell are you talking about?” asked Jax struggling to his feet. (comma after “Jax”)
Children’s stories or fables aren’t really my cup of tea, but I must admit – I really loved this story!
*says Flitcraft and hands out one of his rare 5.0* *
You really know storytelling and it was such a pleasure to read this piece. I think that the best of childrens stories are those which are intelligent enough to also be enjoyed by adults.
I can really recommend this story to everyone out there!
Two suggestions:
* As he rushed towards the door a petrifying thought crossed his mind. (comma after “door”)
* Oh, too think that it had all been made for him! (“to”, not “too”)
Awardicon coming your way!
If you don’t mind, I’d would like to put a link to this story on my "Invalid Item"
This letter is really, really good! Very emotional, beautiful, and touching, I think you are talented!
A few suggestions:
* similarites –> similarities
* In the very beginning, almost all sentences begin with either “You” or “Your.” A bit of variation would make it a nicer read, I think.
A very nice story – I really liked it. You manage to create a nice atmosphere. The main character comes alive. Well-done!
There are some small things in the text that you should look at, I think. Let me know if you decide to edit it, and I’ll have a look at it again.
Suggestions:
* night stand -> nightstand
* He laid down on the bed -> lied down
* At first it seemed he was right, but before he had gone very far, it started to rain. It started to rain very hard. (the last sentence sounds a bit repetitive/awkward.)
* He turned away quickly, cupping he hand over his mouth, he felt as though he was going to be sick. -> He turned away quickly, cupping the hand over his mouth. He felt as though he was going to be sick.
* The voice at the other end spoke again. Sir, the police and EMS are on their way. They will be there soon. Now sir, I need your name." (add a “ before Sir)
* Albert intended to wait for the police but suddenly he was overcome with a terrible sense of panic, that he got into his car and drove away. (that -> and)
* When the police and EMS arrived a the site, they found a homeless man , known to the local shelters as Backpack Pete, (cut “known to the local shelters as Backpack Pete,” I don’t think they would say that on local tv)
I liked this short philosophical “story.” Although I’m an atheist, I agree with the things you are saying. The flow of your language is very natural. However, I think you should have another look at the punctuation. Take these two sentences:
* When you struggle to pay the bills and feed your children it is not an easy task or choice to change your life around in a new direction because this change will not happen overnight and then fear makes its presence known.
* If each one of us that has found happiness or pleasure in life would help just one person find their way then if that person helped one other and the chain kept going imagine what this world would be like in a few years.
I would say that sentences as long as that – you need comma’s. Maybe this is an idea:
* When you struggle to pay the bills and feed your children, it is not an easy task or choice to change your life around in a new direction, because this change will not happen overnight, and then fear makes its presence known.
* If each one of us that has found happiness or pleasure in life would help just one person find their way, then if that person helped one other and the chain kept going, imagine what this world would be like in a few years.
Other suggestions:
* When we are growing up we are taught that we can be whatever we want to be (comma after “up”)
* Our perspectives are shaped and created during this learning process but then all of a sudden we realize that something is wrong or missing from our lives. (comma before “but”)
* We know how to analyze, figure, and relate but we were never taught how to live. (comma before “but”)
* Only when a person has determined to change their life and commits themself to change (confusion singular/plural)
* A Buddhist philosophy sums this thought up very well " We (delete space before “We”)
* Everything we do directly relates with with (you got a double “with” there)
* idolized by most of the worlds (world’s)
Let me know if you edit this piece further and I’ll have a look at it again.
Since you seemed to have a literary taste similar to me, I decided to have a look in your port.
“The Pebbles of Time” is an emotional story about writing (and the many difficulties that comes with it – especially other people’s reactions). I liked it; at certain moments I think your language became almost poetical. At some parts, I think the flow could be better. And you need to have a look at the punctuation. Please see below.
Suggestions:
* My feet barely touched the floor as I walked down the aisle to receive the coveted “Roe Fulkerson Award”. -> My feet barely touched the floor as I walked down the aisle to receive the coveted “Roe Fulkerson Award.” (comma should be inside)
* The gold and crystal chandeliers in the banquet hall at the famous The Cliff House at Pikes Peak hotel were only bright blurs. -> The gold and crystal chandeliers in the banquet hall at the famous Cliff House at Pikes Peak Hotel were only bright blurs
* you write “third place” and then you write “2nd” – be consistent
* But, surely this time would be ok because it was a good thing. (it’s “OK” or “okay”, but never “ok”)
* These marks were the inscription that my parents had made when they realized that while they had destroyed my typewriter and burned my journals in an effort to stop me from writing, I continued to display my insolence, by giving my thoughts life through ink and paper. (I would put a period after “writing”)
This is the second story I’ve read in your port and I liked this one as well! The dialogue works very well and the language has a good flow. The biggest problem is your punctuation, which I think you should work on a bit harder! And I really liked the ending.
I’ve made some suggestions below:
* She hurriedly gets ready for work then sits down for breakfast. (you need an “and” before the “then”)
* “Don’t worry I won’t be late. I’ll be leaving in five minutes.” She quickly and noisily eats her breakfast and picks up her lunch, “Mom, I’m going.” (comma after worry and period after lunch)
* thirteen hour day -> work day
* Kumiko leaves the station, yesterday her boss gave her his last warning and she can’t be late again. (period, not comma after “station”)
* He steps in front of the door, it opens, and he enters. (A bit unnecessary information, I think)
* Instantly, Mr. Goto, the owner answers, “Irasyaimase.” Seeing it’s Keith he says, “Welcome Keith-san. How are you today?" -> When he enters the coffie shop, the owner Mr. Goto, greets him with a loud “Irashyaimasse.” Seeing it’s Keith, he says, “Welcome Keith-san. How are you today?"
* Mr. Goto smiles, bows, and goes to work. -> gets back to work
* It’s the start of a wonderful vacation...... (you could do without this sentence)
*Before Hideyo… I would somehow mark that there is a jump in time. Maybe ***?
This short story was pretty well-written, I think. The beginning (first part) was very strong and you managed to put a hook in me. The dialogue in the second part could be improved, I feel. The ending is well executed. I like your language (in the first part, especially) – short effective sentences with a noir feeling.
Some suggestions:
* He heard something, that sounded like voices. (remove comma)
* let me go! -> Let me go!
* There's no chance,...no chance that he might recover?" (delete comma)
* "No, he will not recover, Lydia, he's gone. The machines are just keeping his body alive." (This very crucial dialogue just doesn’t sound good to me. At least remove “Lydia”)
* He turned the knob,pushed (space after comma)
* the terrible pain in his chest, The sound of his wife, Lydia -> ; the terrible pain in his chest, the sound of his wife, Lydia
I really enjoyed your story about a salaryman (office worker) in Tokyo who wakes up and has no memory who he is. You manage to intrigue the reader well and you let the mystery unfold gradually. I have lived in Tokyo and it was fun to think back on those places mentioned in your story. I have few suggestions, hope they are helpful.
* around to see if he recognized anything . (delete space before period)
* , he walked crab like (crab-like)
* Mr. Morita, mouth wide open in shock, stepped aside to let his odd colleague pass. (I would delete “odd”. Let the reader ‘feel’ it instead of telling it)
* the frigid world awaiting those straying from the the wel (you got a double “the” there)
* Sato san (I think it’s more common to write Sato-san)
I saw this story was a pick in the short story newsletter so I decided to take a look. I have rather mixed emotions about it.
On the one hand I think it is well-written and well-crafted. It has flow and it made me interested to read more.
I have two objections though. The first is that I didn’t know why they were escaping. Did they know he was a v? If he now succeeded ‘saving’ her – why would he feel so sorry?
My other problem is that I just don’t like vampire stories and I was very disappointed with the ending.
Anyway, I like your way of writing.
All the best,
Flitcraft
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He couldn't stop thinking about her, the woman. (Here you could just say “He couldn’t stop thinking about the woman.” It is direct and flows perfectly, but maybe it’s not how you wish to say it.)
I am suffering alongside the poor protagonist. It flows well; well-structured and with a good pace. No typos or grammatical errors. Well done!