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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/forgiveness
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208 Public Reviews Given
248 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
While I will give input on any spelling, grammar, and punctuation, I much prefer to rate based on how the content flows and feels to me as a reader. Even if there is room for improvement, I always prefer to stay on the positive side of things. To be honest, every writer has room for improvement. We're all works in progress.
I'm good at...
reviewing poetry. Because poetry is mostly about feelings and imagery (and a little bit about form), I find that poets find my advice to be more helpful than other writers. I like to immerse myself in whatever I'm reading, and the strong feelings evoked in poetry tends to resonate with me better than other forms of writing.
Favorite Genres
I like fantasy, scifi, horror, and drama, but I will read other things. I love monsters, vampires, weird happenings, and things like that.
Least Favorite Genres
I'm not a huge fan of romance and erotica. That's not to say that I wont review a fantasy novel that includes romance or erotica, but I can't take a lot of it.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, short stories, chapters, novellas, and crosswords.
Least Favorite Item Types
Novels. It's not that I don't want to read your story (I really do), but I am a slow reader. If you want me to review your book, you will have to do so with the expectation that it will take me while.
I will not review...
Fanfiction. Aside from the issue of knowing who the characters are in their original setting, I don't really care for it in general.
Public Reviews
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1
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Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Just to get the mechanical stuff out of the way, I did not find any spelling, grammatical, or punctuation errors.

I like how you didn't include punctuation at the ends of the lines because it leaves them open to interpretation. Is the person singing, shouting, lamenting, or just talking? It doesn't matter because there isn't any punctuation to dictate that for the reader.

The general feel of the poem is nice. It starts off feeling a little sad, somewhat mournful, but it goes into the very positive image of the world healing itself and people still being a part of it in a positive way. I also liked that there aren't any specifics on why the last funeral happened, why all of the humans died, because there are tons of things waiting to take out humanity, not just pollution or human-incurred destruction.

In general, I liked this poem. It's deep, feeling, and non-specific all at the same time.

Keep on writing!


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2
2
Review of Insomnia  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love the repetition in this poem because insomnia is the repetition of trying to sleep and inevitably not sleeping. It's awful. I also love the imagery you use because most people don't think about their pillow being nefarious or how fear creeps in if you lie in bed too long before you fall asleep. As someone who suffered from chronic nightmares for years, I feel this poem.

I do have one small suggestion.

Bedtime present bedtime past - To show the passage of time between present and past, I would put a comma after present. I think that pause between them would create a small sense of drama.

Anyway, I really enjoyed your poem! Keep on writing!


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3
3
Review of Broadmoor Recruit  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! I love what you have here! There's something left of speaker's mind, but there is definitely a hint of something dark rooting around in their brain. I love that you chose not to use ending punctuation because it gives a hint of "stream of consciousness" about it. In general, I really enjoyed this poem!

I do have a couple of suggestions, based on my take of your poem.

Caged I am like the common dog - I would put a comma after Caged to make it stand out
Don’t die to quick, just stay a while - too quickly
My scalpel it sings just like birds - I would either add a comma after scalpel or take out it. I think I like it better without the it. - My scalpel sings like birds. Up to you.

Anyway, thanks for the request! I hope you found this helpful!


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4
4
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'd like to start by saying I didn't find any spelling, grammatical, or mechanical errors. Good on you for that! *Smile*

About this chapter:

I can see there's a lot of family dynamics happening here, which could prove to be very rewarding later on in the story. That being said, everything up to "My life changed a month ago" is expositional and doesn't match the rest of the chapter. I can see that this is the instigating event of the story, but it feels like there's too much before and not enough after.

If I was you, I would take out everything leading up to that day and either try to work it in to a prologue or set it aside so that those little details can be thrown in through dialogue and action later. I would also extend this chapter to include more of the character's dread. Ending on "What?!" doesn't work well if the next chapter doesn't start with an action scene of some sort. Maybe the character could start the internal conflict of wondering who they are and where they belong. You could even go as far as to have them decide they might leave.

These are just my opinions based on feedback I've received from The Novel Workshop on my own writing. I hear a lot of "Show, Don't Tell," which means exposition doesn't come across well in writing. It also saves you a good chunk of word count to use actions instead of telling it all like a story inside of the story.

It was still a good read! Keep on writing! :)


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5
5
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is very interesting! You've set up a good start to a novel or even a series about this girl who has magic. Her mother knew, which probably means she had magic too, and then this woman shows up which gives some conflict and probably has something to do with the magic as well.

I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors, but I'm going to tell you the same thing the people in The Novel Workshop told me. Show, don't tell. In the span of a chapter, you cover a lot of ground, but it's all introspective until Nancy shows up. If you could wrap that inside of some action by having Harley talking to someone about (a friend, her father, etc.) about her mother or something, it wouldn't pull your readers through so much explanation without anything actually happening. Plus, YA books tend to have a smaller word count, so you have to fit a lot of story into a smaller book than most.

Also, make sure it's action that's actually happening. Agents and publishers have been all over Twitter talking about how everyone is having their main character wake up at the beginning of the book, or the first chapter is actually a dream. It's overused. There's better ways around it.

But, overall, I like what you have here and hope you continue it! It has a lot of potential. *Smile*

If you would like help on your book and have a few chapters put together, you can apply to be in The Novel Workshop (which there is a link to in my signature) or Cross Timbers. There, other authors can read your book and give you feedback (and you would do the same). Just something to think about.

I hope this helps. *Smile*


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Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lovely! Just lovely! I know this is an older poem, but I hope you visit from time to time because it really is quite good!

I like that you included the footnote about Seelie because that's not a term I was familiar with, which surprises me because I have some familiarity with high fantasy. I like learning new things like that.

I can tell you chose your words carefully because it tells such a long story in so few lines without losing intensity or feeling like it has these big gaps between happenings. It almost reads as lyrics to a song because of your word choice and how you've spaced your stanzas.

I'm glad I ran into this on the review mixer!


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7
7
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the variation in rhyme scheme in this poem! It keeps it from getting stale. Sometimes a continuous rhyme scheme through the stanzas detracts from the content, and I feel like you side-stepped that issue with wondrous grace. Also, your content is both pleasing and informative. Sometimes it's difficult to make pieces about big issues enjoyable to read, but you nailed it and included a resource for those who want to know more.

This is awesome! I'm glad I ran into it on the review mixer!


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8
8
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I know this is an older poem, but I hope you'll accept my feedback just the same. That being said--

WOW! I love this poem! It feels so magical from start to finish. You use these light, airy words to give it a sense of levity and strong descriptors too. I also like that you include the word virginal and it's definition because it's not a word that gets used often. It's always nice to see those old-world words make a comeback.

Overall, this was a really great poem! I'm glad I ran into it on the review mixer! *Smile*


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9
9
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I already sent you an official review of Chapter 1, which is off to a great start. I love the unique blend of Space+Fantasy+Tech. Some of the details feel like it comes from a video game, which I think will net you some readers who also game. I hope you keep the story moving forward and see where it goes.

Keep on writing!


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10
10
for entry "Chapter 1" Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I read through the chapter. The melding of magic and science is kind of cool. It
> comes off sort of video game-esque (some elements heavily hearken back to Final Fantasy
> 8).
>
> I spotted a few times where you slipped between past tense and present tense, sometimes in
> the same sentence. It looks like you've committed to present tense, so I would just do
> a control+F search for ed and make sure you catch those few past verbs.
>
> I did find a few things you might want to look over, which I have listed below. Overall,
> it's interesting. Space + Tech + Fantasy, not something you see every day. And you
> have a great set up for your readers to get to know your main character.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
> "However, due to its limitations, fuel, metals, and gas remain a required resource to
> power machines and keep facilities operational should the situation requires it." -
> This sentence feels weird because there is both required and requires. I'm not really
> even sure I understand it, but I would consider revising it.
>
> The facility is a combination of magic and modern technology as goers stand on bright
> floating glyphs and teleport from one end of the room to the other while forklifts beep
> along the smooth metal surface. He cruises through the populated cargo area and into the
> hallway.
> He walks down a metal, gold-colored hall with fluorescent lights leading to various shops
> ranging from clothes stores and game rooms. He stops at a flat touch screen with a sign
> that says “Spells” on top. - Weird spacing between these two paragraphs. You could
> probably get away with combining them into one, but you could also fix this by putting
> another space between the two, if you'd rather.
>
> His keeps his mind blank - He
>
> A wave of stress course through his body - courses. Also, I'm not sure stress is the
> right word here. Maybe energy or tension?


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11
11
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a fun, little read and informative to boot! I absolutely agree that having some time to relax and get some fresh air on the beach must sound pretty good when you've been living in a tube in the ocean for so long. It's important work, but I bet it's a nice little perk to have a place to go like that.

Anyway, I didn't fins any spelling or grammatical errors, and I might just have to check out "Adventure's at Sea" when I have a few minutes.

Thanks for the read!


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12
12
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I know this isn't a new poem, but I hope you'll accept my compliments on this one anyway.


I like this poem! It rhymes, had a ton of imagery, and talks about one of my favorite things: butter! *Smile*

I like the rhyme scheme you chose because it doesn't feel forced. It feels like you got to use some great words within the confines of the rhyme and style. You also chose some great words.

I loved that I could see someone making butter in my mind and know that it wasn't all about the butter. It's about the process and diligence of getting the job done right, not because it's easy but because it is the goal. Or, at least, that's what I got out of it.

I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation. It looks awesome! Thank you for sharing this piece on the site!


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13
13
for entry "Chapter 1" Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is cool because there is a lot of action going on right off that bat in Chapter 1. That being said, if Stacey is the main character, you might want to make this Chapter 2 and spend Chapter 1 introducing your readers to your main character with some less-exciting stuff.

I think I kind of know where you're going with this. It definitely has like a "Men in Black"/"Supernatural" feel. That's cool, as long as you have somewhere more exciting to go from here. This bad guy seems pretty powerful, so make sure your future bad guys can ramp up the action as you go.

I see a lot of tense shift in your writing. Several times, even within the same sentence. Make sure you're keeping it consistent. This is mostly a proofreading thing. I cannot stress this enough. Proofread, proofread, and proofread again because Spellcheck isn't going to catch that.

It looks like you're off to a pretty good start story-wise. I found a few errors within this chapter for you to glance over, which I have listed below. Overall, this piece has a lot of potential.

Good luck and keep on writing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

taps/sticks/shouts/ect. - It looks like most of your story is in past tense, so watch out for tricky little buggers like this.

“I’m late for one, two, I’ve got a presentation and to top it all off… - Two should start it's own sentence.

burly, male - Don't need this comma because male is not a descriptor here. It is a noun.

scream, but felt - No comma here either because the stuff after the "but" can't be it's own sentence.

for some unknown reason - We don't need this.

skewed - skewered

strong crazed lunatic - Here's where you need that comma. Strong and crazed are both descriptors, so a comma goes between them.


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14
14
Review of Lady Jayne  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I can see you're a budding author here. The story is interesting, but you have some mechanical issues going on here, the smallest one being:

"Ahhh" The scram came - You need punctuation in those quotes. "Ahhh!" Also, I think you mean scream here.

Tense shift - Your first paragraph seems to be in present tense, and later you switch to past tense. Either one is fine, but I would pick one and make sure the entire piece conforms to that.

Point-of-view shift - Some parts say "I" while others say "He." Again, either is fine, but you'll want to make sure that it is constant throughout.

I hope this helps you with editing and your future writings! Keep it up!


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15
15
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Alrighty. As per usual, I'm going to start with the story stuff. The story is interesting and keeps the reader's attention. There is good imagery, and the voices are personified well. The ending is cool because it keeps the reader thinking about what is actually going on and might keep them wanting more.

There were a couple of things that kept coming up as far as errors are concerned. Make sure you are separating your descriptors with commas. "Big, green apple." "Shiny, red firetruck." Things like that.

That being said, too many descriptors will cause your readers to trip over content, so you might want to keep an eye on that.

Lastly, and this is more of a suggestion than an error thing, too many adverbs are not a good thing. Slowly comes up a lot. Keeping some in is fine, but you can create conciseness by taking some out. If there is a low-action point, you don't need "slowly." You can also swap out phrases like instead of "He slowly walked."--"He crept." See? Concise but still close to what you were getting at. It's just a suggestion, though. I still use some adverbs in my work, but cutting down on them makes yours sentences less troublesome to get through.

Overall, this is a great start to a budding novel. I am curious to see where it goes and hope you'll continue on.

Below, I have listed little things that you might want to take a second glance at (some of which are covered by things I have already mentioned).

I hope this helps you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

his strong muscular arms- comma between strong and muscular because they both describe the arms
for a while. – Don’t need that.
was three-feet – no hyphen unless you mean three-foot
pointed shaft – I think you mean head. The shaft is wood
slimy green serpent’s head – comma between slimy and green
The shaft pierced – spear, not shaft
four-feet – no hyphen
how old he was and how he – I would change and to or
cliff, and – no comma
fall slowly – Don’t need slowly.
wet thin clothing – Or thin.
he got from hunting – or any of this
backpack, and – no comma
class room – one word. Classroom
his left chest. – Breast instead of chest
Finally, he came – arrived, not came. What you have isn’t incorrect, but the wording has other connotations. Best to be clear.
“Y-O-U A-R-E T-R-A-P-P-E-D H-E-R-E. G-E-T O-U-T.” – The form of this is fine, but it doesn’t make sense. Telling someone that they are trapped AND to get out is weird. I would suggest either “GET OUT NOW” or “YOU’LL NEVER ESCAPE” or something like that. The two statements together is what makes it weird.


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16
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Review of Fruit Basket  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can see that I have run into an older poem in your portfolio through the review mixer (2004), but I figured I would still throw in my two cents, if you don't mind.

I found myself rereading this one because I originally read it as "self-evident," which didn't make sense to me. After reading it again, I feel like I understand what the speaker is getting at, and I can appreciate the message. Who a person is at work is not who they are at home with their loved ones. I feel that I, and several people I know personally, embody this idea and that it is important to have these separate selves. It is a truth.

Also, I like the way you separated your stanzas and your form in general. It has a very interesting effect on the reader.

I didn't see any spelling/grammar/punctuation errors either.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem!


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17
17
Review of Now That’s All  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I can see that this is an older poem for you (2009), but I thought I would toss in my two cents anyway. I like that there is a lot of feeling in this poem. The structure and rhyming scheme is well-crafted. At first I thought it was a sonnet because the first line of the second stanza contains some of the last line of the first stanza, but the third stanza doesn't follow the scheme. The form is still good, though. I just thought I would point that out.

I had to read this one again because I caught the feeling of it but missed the action (what was actually happening). It is just a little vague, but that is not a bad thing. It makes your reader think and reread it.

I did not see any spelling/grammatical/punctuation errors.

Overall, this is a very well-crafted poem, and I enjoyed reading it.


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18
18
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You were right. This isn't the type of thing that I normally review, but I figured I would take a look anyway. In general, it feels like you got your point across, which is one of the key components of good writing. I did see some room for improvement, but I think you are well on your way to having a fine piece. Here are a few things that I think could improve it.

First, I like that you explain some of the rules of cricket because that helps people like me, who don't know the rules of cricket very well, to better understand the story. However, putting things in parentheses draws the reader out of the story, so perhaps you could just explain the rules outright. What you have there is enough to help your reader understand it, but no parentheses.

In general, your spelling and grammar was pretty good, but here are a few spots that you might want to look over.

Closer – I think you were going for close

bowl ed – bowled, no space

These two run in our minds. - I'm not sure what you were going for here exactly, but it seems like what you mean to say is that the both of you were mindful of these rules. This sentence just needs some reworking is all.

continue for 6 – At some points, you write out the number and some you don't. The general rule is that single and double-digit numbers get spelled out. When you get to those high numbers (146), just putting the numbers is fine.

close of the stumps - close to the stumps

bad, some of them are great. - These could be two separate sentences or you can add a 'but' after the comma to connect them.

It won't. Because you are not doing anything. - I would make this one sentence or take out the 'because' to add intensity.

Despite these little fixes, this is well-written, and I wish you well in the contest.

I hope this was helpful.


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19
19
Review of Consuming light  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I know this is one of your older works, but I love how this poem follows such a restricted form and still has great content. I love the look and the message encapsulated within the poem. It's like a cone of light beaming down on a single point.

Also, I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors, just for peace of mind. *Smile*


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20
20
Review of You Wink  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is short and sweet, and yet it conveys a very clear feeling that I think we all have had: feeling stupid in front of someone. I love the short, choppy lines that sort of read as though it's a to-do list. That kind of makes me think that this is sort of how this goes for the narrator, and I kind of get that.

The last line strikes me in a couple of ways. In one way, it's funny because the person obviously saw the narrator face-plant and moved on. OR...or the person may have been a ghost or not there at all, which brings a whole new dimension to the poem.

Very cute and very intriguing!


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21
21
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
That was a very fun quiz! I could not believe how much I remembered from my English classes! I guess some of that comes from doing some writing of my own too. Still, that was really cool! I kind of hope to see more neat little quizzes like this in the future!
22
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Review of Just Too Real  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. This is really deep. I love how you tied in your beliefs without being preachy. This might sound kind of strange, but as I was reading it, I felt it "bounce" a little, almost like it was a rap or something. I like it when that happens. It makes the poem feel dynamic. After all, that's what rap is, dynamic poetry.

Anyway, I didn't see any spelling/grammar/mechanical errors. The only suggestion that I would have for this is that I wish I had seen some punctuation to really push those points you're making and help express those feelings.

Overall, this is a great read! I hope to see more like this from you!

Keep on writing!


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23
23
Review of Sample Review  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
So, this came up on the review mixer, and I couldn't help myself. I'm reviewing your review sample. *Laugh*

Your review style is very thorough. Every section is clearly labeled and covers an important part of of piece, including final thoughts. I think that section is one of the most important because sometimes a piece will be lacking in the spelling/grammar area but the overall feel and idea is still good. Sometimes I think authors get discouraged when it takes them a while to get the hang of grammar and mechanics, which is a small piece to the literary puzzle.

I didn't find any spelling/grammar/punctuation issues.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your sample. It gives me some insight into how you evaluate a piece that you're reviewing. It seems very fair and straight-forward. I don't know if you still use this method, but it is a good one.

Keep on reviewing! *Laugh*


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24
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Review of Happy?  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is very deep and a very relate-able feeling. I think many people can sympathize with idea that one's feelings are not always perceived in the right light. For example, it's not that I want you to lose; it's that I want to win. Same outcome, but the intentions are totally different.

I love how you use your punctuation and enjambment to connect the thoughts while still breaking it up in to smaller lines that have their own meanings.

I don't see any spelling or grammar errors either.

Very powerful, and very enjoyable.

Keep on writing!


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25
25
Review by Sorji Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can see that this is an older piece, but I must say, it is quite enjoyable. Despite there only being twelve lines, there's a lot of feeling in this poem. That feeling of dependence, which sort of rivals the idea of a ritual. Most people think of rituals as being positive experiences. There's also this feeling that the speaker is grateful to the ritual for keeping their health in check. And then there's monotony because it's a continuous cycle of filling, taking, and reordering the pills.

I very much enjoyed this poem. I'm glad it ran into me in the review mixer! *Smile*


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