First, a bit of humor - my daughter says as she's reading over my shoulder, "Chapter1: The End? That's the shortest book I've ever read."
I'm guessing you're from Australia, from some of the spellings and the use of 'mate' so I'll skip that - I'm American.
Technically speaking there are a few missteps, though they may be fine considering our differing dialects: "it was a dark, tall man stood perfectly still in the middle of the road." I would say, "...man [who] stood..." or "...man [standing] perfectly..."
"I fell to the floor..." Shouldn't that be ground or walkway since Nick is outside?
he's "6'2" and hands firmly on my shoulders" I'd say, "[his] hands [were] firmly on my shoulders"
walking past the Dale's house the sentence (paraphrased) ...I hoped the worst was over and my health would only improve... is repeated twice. You really only need it at the end of the paragraph.
"I was now compelled to follow this series of events and see what becomes of my sacrifice. " I would use became instead.
I hope this helps... I can't wait to hear the rest of the story! stop on by and return the favor...
The revelation of Emily's motive was a bit of a shocker. I thought that maybe it was the other way around. I'm "proud" of Kayla for being understanding of Star and seeing third place as a challenge. Her work ethic and desire are commendable.
Is this a work in progress? the ending seems rushed. Keep up the great work! Gypsy
I love it Art!! I find it especially intriguing and frustrating that you don't tell us if he pulled the trigger on himself or let the police do it. Please write more!
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