To: Jacky
Re: Say What ?

This delightful story earns its "flash fiction" sub-heading !

It is a wonderful story with a closing twist.
The story opens with Lisa, the mother, and
Jayden, the little son.

Jayden is in the kitchen, sitting in his high-chair
playing, while his mother watches with great joy.
Lisa is also thinking about her monther-in-law.
She dreads her mother-in-law's visit. The
mother-in-law isn't especially appreciative of her daughter-in-law's
mothering. Each and every visit, the mother-in-law asks
when Jade is going to speak--an annoying question
she thinks is worth considering.

Over time, Lisa spends more time than she thought she
should attempting to teach her Jayden how to speak,
without luck. Eventually, Lisa abandons this foolishness.
She decides her child is fine. Lisa is determined to wait until
this adorable little one speaks on his own without
prodding. I won't share the outcome here. Suffice it to
say, this is a delightful story with a great ending !

Nice going, Jacky !

All the best,

GabriellaR45

.

To: Jay O'Toole
Chapter 4,
Among the Fir Trees

Chapter 4 transports us back to the time with Ossie gives birth to her
dear little bear. She gives birth to Quest while munching on
White Willow bark, a gift from nature that humans are just beginning to
discover as having "healing properties." Both bears dream of happy
times with Ossie, devoted mother and wife.

Why is it Wrong to Steal:

This is the conversation every parent hopes to have with his or her children.
It shows Jay O'Toole's eloquence and fatherly respect for the youngest
member of his family. In this book, Casa's love and careful way of addressing
the young bear is cheerful and understandable.

This loving Dad is determined to explain the difference between right and wrong. What a wonderful vehicle this is for carrying moral imperatives to the children who are enjoying having the book read to them. Regardless of religious beliefs, stealing is wrong in every language.

This is a brilliant book written with purpose and devotion to children's upbringing in
a way that is down-to-earth, fun, sometimes serious, filled with opportunities for
young readers to ask questions and talk over some of this papa bear's commitment to teach his son to be a good bear.

Well done, Jay. This is a wonderful chapter !

GabriellaR45

.

To: iamwatiam
Re: Unclear

Written by the author:

"Time and time again I find myself lost
Lost in a world where I can't find my way.
Too many paths to choose, which one to take.
I hope God will help me find my way, I will give
thanks to Him and pray."

This is a spiritual message, one that is touching and
powerful. Putting yourself in the hands of the Lord
will be comforting. This is a lovely poem
written from the heart. Trust in God to help you find the
way to your next destination.

GabriellaR45

To: Rojodi
Re: LaFitte Coin

The story begins in the store of an antiques dealer. A shopper, Nina Harrington, comes in to have a gold coin appraised. The antiquarian begins by telling Ms Harrington the curse and legend of French pirate, Jean LaFitte.

LaFitte attacked and plundered Spanish ships. In this legend, agents of the Spanish government searched for and found LaFitte. The men attacked LaFitte and removed his gold coins to divide among themselves. Lafitte begged the men to leave the coins behind. With a single shot, the leader ended the life of the buccaneer. It is said that Lafitte cursed the gold, saying that anyone that possesses it for their own greed would never have peace until the gold is given to someone less fortunate.

Nina didn’t want to admit that there is a curse on the coin. She tried to sell it to other dealers in the city, but all refused to take it as well, most using the excuse that they can’t legally purchase old coins. No one wanted the piece of gold.

One night while Nina was struggling to sleep, a voice in the dark came to her. She felt She trembled with terror. She called out, “In the morning, I’ll put the coin in Our Lady of the Assumption’s poor box.” Her room warmed. She heard the sound of a coin dropping on her bedroom floor.

Rojodi, this is a good story. You tell it well. It is a story with a moral. And, it is
persuasive. You capture our attention and you keep us in your grip throughout
the story and its outcome. if we listen closely, we can hear something beyond the reader's sighs—something that sounded like LaFitte's last laugh.

A few quick fixes are needed:

"French pirate that helped" should be: pirate who helped..
"The leader raised his gun and with a single shot to the head ended the life of the once proud buccaneer. Comma needed before with and after shot.
"Friends had been barely able to recognize her." should be Friends hardly recognized
her.

Nice work, Rojodi !

All the best,

GabriellaR45

.

To: Jay O'Toole
Re: The Quest for Home
Chapter 2: The Nothing and Its Friends

Surviving this earthquake involves an endless amount of slipping,
sliding, rolling, and falling. My, oh my. Poor little Quest is confused and scared. Is there no end to this whacky, jumbled nightmare !

This freak of nature uproots an amazing selection of plant life, including most everything that was once attached to the forest's floor, causing a cyclone of flying everything. Will this never end, each bear cried out !

"They "swam" and they "swam" and they "reached" and they groped.
They stretched to grasp a foot or a hair or a hand. They "Yes"ed for awhile in ever striving hope. Then, they Noped in despair and finally in resignation, they Noped."--a great paragraph !

At long last:

"Finally, SPLAT! All four limbs, splayed, in a "pond" that appeared to once be a grassy meadow. SPLAT! A smaller bear-sized lump, splayed, in a newly-formed crater beside him.

"Quest?"
"Dad?"
"Are you kidding me?" They rejoiced in unison.

This author's imagination gone-wild makes for a wild and wooly (forgive me, bears) adventure. Everything, including the kitchen
sink flies by the little bear who can't seem to get a decent foot-hold
to climb past this massive combination of roiling soil, flying
objects, and eyepopping colors.

Bravo, Jay !

To: Jay O'Toole

Re: Earthquake

This is a gifted author of children's stories.

Jay's pen is blessed with a loving stroke.
I found this story mesmerizing from the get-go.
And while his story is promising, wonderful
visuals are guaranteed. What a lovely
book Jay is creating for a father to read with
his children at bedtime.

There is no escaping from the earthquake. Poor
little Quest is disoriented and tossed about.
Each step he takes is described in a way that
we wish we could reach out to reassure him.
We see right away that even though the earthquake
is raging, the bears live in a wonderful, magical place.

Whether or not this is appealing to Jay, I imagine
Disney would love to have this story.
This author immerses us in beautiful visuals. His story
slips from pen to page with remarkable ease.
In no time, we fall in love with his two bears. Jay's
greatest asset is he still knows what innocence looks
like and feels. He sees the world through the eyes of
a little bear while he looks around in an effort to make
sense of where he is.

Only a loving father who has the ability to write
wonderful children's books could write about these two
bears the way Jay does. I hope he will let me read
another chapter. I'm hooked on this story.

A message for Jay:

You write beautifully. It has been a while since
I've read one of your stories or poems. I'm glad I've
had a chance to spend a little of my down time
on a Saturday afternoon, enjoying this charming story.

Bravo, Jay ! This is a 5-star chapter !

To: Bike Rider
Re: She lit up the Sky

This is as touching a story as I've read in a while, Bikerider.
It is a joy to read with a lovely ending.

I found myself rereading the paragraph that begins with
"Fidgeting." I wondered if I jumped over an important piece
of information. Your story jumped from returning to base
to reenlist, to dressing to go back to your old high school.
Was this a high school reunion ?

After this, your story sails forward to your happy ending.
Imagine having this dream come true ! Is this your
story, Bikerider ? You write it comfortably with such fondness.
Clearly, you tell a good story. I hope this also means you're
this happily-ever-after guy too.

Thanks for sharing this fine story, Bikerider !

To: Jacky
Re: Waking Up

This story is well written with a surprise ending.
I won't give it away here. Well done, Jacky !
The conversation Amy has with herself is real
and right on the money. Most of us remember one of
those ridiculous arguments where we don't recall what
started it. This reminds us what is important
vs what isn't worth fighting over. We also sometimes
learn the argument isn't really what is wrong.

You tell a good story, Jacky. I am going to enjoy
visiting your portfolio to read more.

To: *tonyabrown*
Re: Learning to Let Go

This piece is a prayer of sorts.
You seem to be working your
way forward to discover you
are the person who needs to
forgive yourself. Doing so will
very likely lift the weight of
hatred and bitterness from your
heart. I send you warmest best
wishes for your journey.
All the best,

Gabriella

To: Lyn
Re: Love Scars

First and foremost:
How wonderful it is to see this
poem, written for KansasPoet's
contest a long time ago.

I miss him the way I miss
Marlena and now, Bobbie,
who I find on Facebook now
and then. When I go through
my poems, I am reminded
that most of the ribbons I
received came from Sherri.
What a lovely, encouraging
lady she was !

As for this well written poem,
it brings back an entirely different
set of memories. I know how
it is to come to terms with
what you aptly describe.
including:

"love scars the one it owns."

This is a powerful poem, dear Lyn.
It reminds us the wrong person
can't be forced to become the right
one, no matter how hard we try.

Thank you for sharing your poetry.
I look forward to returning to read
more.

All the best,

Gab

To: Christina

Re: Barton Robinson's Letter to his Mother

And, what a remarkable letter this is !
It is not only inspiring, it is compelling,
touching, credible, and noble.
I can't suggest a single change
in the letter. It is genuine and articulate.
It is the simplicity of the letter and the
young man's good instincts that makes this
piece special. I expect this will serve as a great
example for those young people in
need of a role model.

The White House staff and
surroundings are covered beautifully.
I particularly enjoyed Barton's conversation
with President Roosevelt--one of
my favorite presidents.

When I reread your letter. I remember
seeing a contest that might be a great
match with your writing capabilities
and this letter.

FORUM

Historical Fiction Short Story Contest  (13+) Interesting prompts to keep you interested in history. CONTEST CLOSED #2143467 by Abby Gayle

Best of luck,

GabriellaR45

To: Elysia
Re: Dog on a Bog

I like this poem so much, I have to
rethink the label I will apply to this
delightful task to substitute
the overworked "review."
Instead, I decided to regale this
Dog on a Bog with an epilogue.

First, the playful dog you call your "furry
black shadow" is clearly no John
Doe. And, your description of your
surroundings is truly astounding.

"My shadow
and I
enjoy blue sky
the bog afloat with cranberries
the golden sand of the road
littered with the spoor
of deer, horses, geese."

Finally, I found your encounter with
this "denizen of the wild"
both nerve wracking and
wonderful. Needless to add,
I was thoroughly beguiled.

A note for Elysia:

This poem is beautifully written
and a joy to read. You are a talented
poet. The camera you forgot
couldn't begin to
capture this event the way your
stunning poem did.

Bravo and warmest best,

GabriellaR45

Dear Petra,

I tripped over your Lada's history, and was surprised to find
this wonderful quirky car was yours. I am afraid I
won't be able to give this story of yours the kind of
careful attention it deserves. I am a car person, but not
quite the car devotee you are ! I must say, your Lada
sounds wonderful ! I had a SAAB for several years.
It was my quirky Lada. It was a car that many people
admired, not so much because it was gorgeous because
it wasn't. It was homely and unique.

It was a car with lots of pep that was said to be extremely
safe given its sturdy build. Most of all, it lived for a long time. I
miss it, and thought about it while I was reading your excellent report
about your car. Thanks so much for the gift of a great read,
Petra. As always you write beautifully. You add a great deal
to our reading and writing experiences.

Before I go, I hope you'll drop me a line when you have a few
minutes to let me know how you're doing. It's great to
see you here again !!

All the best,

GabriellaR45

.

To: AngieB

Re: Finding Solace

This is a good poem, Angie !
It starts off simply enough
to tell us how it is to step into
the shower, finding the water
that drips a drop at a time
on the glass window exudes
compassion.

It is thanks to your resourcefulness
that you are able to find solace and comfort
at a time of grief and suffering.

Decide if you want to use punctuation.
I see commas but almost no
sign of periods. Take a few moments
to add them where needed so the
poem is consistent.

Bravo on having created a fine poem.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

To: Jacky

Re: Bedtime

This is a delightful children's poem, Jacky !

“It’s time for bed!”
My mother said.
The trouble seems to be,
When Mother says
It’s time for bed,
She only means
for me."

I'm reminded of Robert Louis Stevenson, who
gently evokes the injustice of having to go to
bed when it's still light outside in his 1885 classic,
A Child's Garden of Verses.

I hope you continue on to write lots of children's
poems !

All the best,

GabriellaR45

To: Vivienne
Re: My Place Below the Waves

This is a powerful poem, Vivienne !
I expected a beautiful day
at the beach, with a safe swim,
given the promises made to protect
one another. The shocking
shift from tranquility to losing your
life to the undercurrent
that carried your body out to sea is
dramatic. This is a heart laden with the pain
of abandonment.

Thank you for sharing your poem,
Vivienne. I look forward to
returning to read more poetry.

All the best,

GabriellaR45

To: Bella
Re: Your First Story

And, what a good first story this is !
You convey your story thoughtfully.
This is a story about a young woman
who sits in the coffee shop
contemplating
how it is that she graduated from
her life as a free-spirited,
uninhibited child to
her teenage years where she
she cares too much what
people think.

Your story needs a little work: nothing
serious, Bella. If you would like me to
send suggestions for corrections,
I'd be happy to do this.

Congratulations for having
successfully completed and
shared your first fine
poem, Bella !

All the best,

GabriellaR45

To: Duke
Re: Poetic Pathways

This is a wonderful, expressive poem. I enjoyed reading every word !
Your description, "writing poetry is like working
a maze, peering through a verbal maze" is often correct.
And, you give us good advice when you state:
"If you stay focused, you might find a finish."
Regarding your poem's format: your first two and the second two
stanzas are different enough that they don't appear to belong together. However, since I'm a fan of free-form poetry, I decided this doesn't seem so important. It is the message that counts !

Bravo and warmest best,

Gabriella

To: Annwid
Re: Annie and the Small Cabin in Canada

Format:

A bit of advice:
Create more paragraphs,
and take care to add space between the paragraphs.
This will make your story more inviting and
easier to read.

Descriptions:

While this story is intriguing, and I found
myself in its grip quickly, I noticed that
your descriptions are sometimes
repetitive and distracting. I understand how tempting it is
to repeat what Annie looks like. However,
when your readers travel from line to line,
they will find it distracting to see you repeat
your use of "small" and "tiny"
approximately 6 times. Once you've
established that Annie and her hands
are small, and her eyes are blue, there is no need to repeat
these descriptions.

Repairs Needed: You'll find these are quick fixes !

You write: The red embers of the fire inside were stating to go dim
Correction: "stating" should be starting.
You write: "she already regeted her decision"
Correction: "regeted" should be regretted
You describe: "long, soft, black hair"
Correction: Do you think long black hair is sufficient ?
You write: "hair gently fell down behind her"
Question: is this description important ? If you want to keep
it, how about: her hair slipped down below her shoulders ?
You write: "She Cursed as the heavy iron door gave.."
Correction: "Cursed" should be cursed.
You write: "shivering off the cold before settled"
Correction: how about: shivering off the cold before settling
under the covers ?
You write: "loosen the cover's"
Correction: loosen the covers
You write: "Yes, She was thankful she had the pastor of her church that took her in and took care of her when an accident had took the lives of her parents 4 years ago"
Correction: Yes, she was grateful for the church's pastor. He took her in, and
he took care of her when an accident took the lives of her parents four years ago.
Final corrections. How about: While the community gave her work so she could make money to survive, it just wasn't enough.
You write: "Someday, someone was going to take care of her."
How about eliminating this line ? You talk about finding someone to
take care of you a couple of times. What do you think ?

In closing:

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter in this story.
Before placing your chapters or stories in your portfolio to be
read and reviewed, take a few minutes to make sure you
trim the descriptions that are repetitive.
The goal is to become your own best critic.

In the meantime, if you make changes, I will
rewrite your review and bump up the number of
stars attached to your story. Be sure to let
me know if you want a rewrite.

Thank you for introducing Annie
and her dilemma, Ann.

GabriellaR45

To: Andrea
Re: A Sky Full of Stars, Part II

Having reviewed Part 1, I am delighted to see there is a sequel.
This piece opens up the potential for dreams come true for these true loves.
I have to admit, I am a sucker for love, and this is lovely
and romantic. The question of the day is: will there be a
Part 3 ?? These two romantics must find
each other.

This chapter is well written, clear, and compelling, Andrea.
Thanks for sharing this lovely story with us.

All the best,

Gab

To: Bobby
Re: The Day We Met

A warm welcome to Writing.Com, Bobby. I hope you're
finding your way around this bustling writer's forum.

This is a good story, Bobby. I enjoyed reading every word !

I know Jaspar has just arrived in a new town where everything
is new and strange. It's clear his first day raced by quickly.
In his haste to report on his first day, he jotted down
the news as to how he fared quickly. He decided
he'd clean up his story when he had a little time, perhaps
after dinner. These are the errors he discovered. I'm sure
he will have fun repairing this otherwise good story.

Jaspar's repairs:

Jaspar: "I woke up this morning still agitated by the fact we had to move"
Correction: I woke up this morning, still agitated that we had to move.
Jaspar: "My mother was a doctor." Should read: My Mother is a doctor.
Jaspar: "You don't want to be later for the first day of school"
Correction: You don't want to be late for the first day of school.
Jaspar: "told my mom bye and got out of the car. "
Correction: I said "goodbye" and got out of the car.
Jaspar: "I has started to grow board of just sitting in one spot and was getting ready to head home."
Correction: I was feeling bored sitting in one spot, so I decided to go home.
Jaspar:""I knew you looked familiar!" Said Alexis as I exited to store"
Correction: When I opened the door, Alexis said: "I knew you looked familiar."
Jaspar: "but I was also exited to have her on mine."
Correction: I was excited to have her on mine.

This story has a wonderful future in the making, Bobby.
One other suggestion: make a space between paragraphs.
This will make the story easier to read.
Car, bike, and truck lovers will love this story, Bobby !
How fortunate Jaspar is to have met a lovely young woman who is encouraging
and enthusiastic on his first day in Wimberley.

I look forward to reading your next chapter.
Nice work, Bobby !