I love your subject. It's one of my favorite pastimes. I see you are writing this for a literary magazine and I'm not sure if you are resticted to the 100 word count, or not, but I'm going to offer a few suggestions here which might change the count. Let us begin with the first paragraph, fourth sentence:
"A high-pitched feminine giggle bounced off the walls."
The description of that giggle doesn't sit right for the situation. Not in my opinion anyway. Putting myself in the man's place, I would have gotten up and left at that point. "Hey! I'm here for a 'dance', not a game of 'Romper Room Twister!"
Something like this might work better:
"A back-throated feminine chuckle reverberated off the walls.
Now your second paragraph has another scenario not really based in reality. They "stumble" off to the bedroom? I'm not sure where this couple are, but whether it's a warehouse, or a penthouse, they have the entire place as their "dancefloor"! Why go to a bed? Professional "dancers" don't "dance" in beds. Why waste time and precious dance steps to go someplace where you go to sleep? You can find a hundred different dance steps on a full-size couch whereas a bed you're limited to maybe a half-dozen at best. perhaps you need something like this:
"Hands roamed wildly as they lunged together. Clothes were strewn about while leveling themselves into the couch. Heavy breathing was silenced by lips pressed against lips. Gasps of pleasure as flesh slid against flesh. The oldest dance in human history begins again."
Please bear in mind these are just helpful suggestions I am giving you. Use what you will, as you want, or not at all. Good luck with your submission to the literary magazine.
Well, I'm starting to feel a little "funny" now after all this. I guess I'll go upstairs and find myself a horizontal mamba dance partner.
Hello, Carin. I hope you have enjoyed your first few days here at Writing.com. It's almost 3AM here and I was sleepwalking before I stumbled awake and found myelf in your port.
This is a lovely poem you have here. Considering the subject matter and the way it is usually written about, you are a long overdue breath of fresh air. I can tell how serious you are about this, yet you keep a seemingly "light" attitude. Please don't take that the wrong way. I simply mean that you express yourself as being hurt, but you give the impression that you are not mortally wounded, or defeated. That's what I liked most about this.
I gave you the rating I did because your "rhythm" of the poem is "off" to say the least. There again I have never claimed to be a poet. Many people remind of that.lol Despite that, I found your poem still to be "above average" I'm sure any of the poetry groups that are here would be better qualified to help you than I.
I look forward to reading more of your work. I am sure I will find it a pleasure!
This is simply outstanding, Kenzie. You should "forward" this article around the country. Not that it would do any good with the "deadbeats". Responsible people should appreciate and respect what you are saying here. Very well written. Thank you for bringing this issue to our attention!
Ah, yes. Whatever happened to the good old days, dear Author, when Men were Men and Women were Women? Lord, I wouldn't want anyone taking a close look at my chromosomes, or my genetic coding! "What is the Law?" "Not to walk on all fours, that is the Law! Are we not Men?"
Whatever did happen to the Law? It was so simple!
"Friday rape and ass,
Saturday date with class,
Sunday late to Mass."
That was so easy to follow and it covered everything!
Once again, fellow Author, I have been throughly entertained by your biting wit and satire. It is always a pleasure to take the time to visit you. And I always leave with a smile. Thank ye much for the enjoyable read! Are you using billiard chalk to sharpen those horns of yours?
"God made Man, but the Monkey supplied the glue! Are we not Men?"
Outstanding work here, fellow Author. A very vivid and poignant literary snapshot of the American homeless. A powerful description in a very short piece. Perfect! You have the gift. Use it to its fullest. Well done.
What a touching poem for a child which acts as a basic, and powerful, reminder to "bundle" up.
"Look out at Jack's icy cold work from your window ledge,
But be careful! His mere glance is command and pledge."
That line gave me a few shivers. I can see him floating past my window like some kind of winter banshee, lightly brushing the glass and glazing it over before my very eyes!
How Aussie. Everybody knows it's not that cold in the "land done under". You must live in Southern Australia. Americans call it the South Pole! LOL!
Oh my! You have a wonderul thing here, dear Author. You left me with visions of hearses, chainsaws, boning kinves, and pleading girlies dancing in my head.
You don't have any of the imagery I have just mentioned in your item. You do it all with the power of detailed, yet obscure, suggestion. I can see a snake door handle on a hearse, though you only mentioned door handle.
I can see the doors opening and blood and gore spilling out. I can even smell it! I can see a hitch-hiking screaming girlie being yanked inside. The power of suggestion is a powerful tool for an author. You weild it well!
The only problem I see is in the actual physical form of your item. In my opinion, you should seperate the first six lines from the main body. The last six lines should be done the same way.
Stand back and take a good look at it once you have done that. You might want to rearrange it some more afterwards.
Feel free to contact me if I can help in any way concerning this matter. Thanks for the great read!
"I'm afraid of tomorrow
And ashamed of yesterday..."
You had me right from the beginning of this poem with this opening lines. What powerful lyrics! What a statement your song makes.
You need to tighten this up by forming the whole thing in four-line stanzas. I think that would work much better. There's a few other rough edges, but nothing that can't be smoothed out.
If you need assistance, feel free to contact me. Don't give up on this "diamond in the rough".
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Whoa...this is pretty cool! The whole poem is filled with vivid imagery.
"...Dine on it with finest cutlery,
Smother in savory sauce..."
"...When blood spurts,
I hope it hurts..."
The only problem with this powerful piece, is that the author has to decide whether she is using rhyme or not. She also has to decide whether she is using a consistent rhytym, or not.
This piece has much potential. Please feel free to call me if you wish to improve this amazing and breathtaking poem. I am at your disposal if you so choose!
Did the snake have an apple in it's mouth? Did the owls' wisdom prevail over the insidious allure of unbridled ambition? Would your name be "Eve", by any chance?
Owls are sacred birds in many cultures.
Fine job, dear Author. Very well written. I enjoyed it.
Here's a part of LexiLand I didn't know existed. What a very unexpected and pleasant surprise.
I don't usually get into this mushy "school girl" stuff, but this was a definite exception.
Once I got a ways into it and began to notice the repetitive use of certain words, I groaned and voiced a very loud "Oh no!" "Giggling, enticing, kiss, mind, drifting, breeze". They were popping up all over the place. Yet, for some inexplicable reason the poem held me spellbound. It had actually captivated me and locked my attention to it. There was a lulling, hypnotic kind of pattern to these repeated words. It was a powerful and moving reading experience. "School Girl" is a masterful example of "word play". Well done, dear Author. You have an enviable gift!
I read this item and was in a middle of a review of it a few weeks ago, when I was suddenly called away on some emergency. I apologize for not getting back to it sooner. I will now attempt to reconstruct that review to the best of my abilities.
After reading it the first time, I decided to refresh myself on the Greco/Roman mythology concerning the "Furies". This excerpt is from the Columbia Encyclopedia;
"The Furies were divinities that personified conscience and punished crimes against kinderd blood (women), especially matricide. Their names were Megaera(jealousy), Tisiphone(blood avenger), and Alecto(unceasing in pursuit). When called upon to act, they hounded their victims until they died in a furor of madness and torment." These Furies were all women.
"As I walk along the river
I hear the mournful bugler..."
I found these opening lines to be "classic"! I was captivated from this point on. Excellent choice of words for an opening.
After the first stanza, the chorus was presented.
"Only a matter of degrees
Between the mad and skulking junkies
And the ever rising frieze of evergreens
Composed of holly, yew and cypress trees..."
This produced an ethereal, surrealistic kind of feel for the reader. The drawing of a line between the wandering junkies and the beautiful trees attracted me. Once again I found myself being captivated by this poem.
Directly after the first chorus, the following stanza contains the line;
"Loss and misery both slain..."
There is the reader's connecting link to the mythology of the Furies! I found it to be an exemplary link.
The chorus was used twice in the poem. Each time it ended with the line;
"Spellbound with Monet's Furies..."
This line is a very nice touch. I reread the poem several times just to try and get a better understanding of these four words. Does the Author infer that she is taken by Monet's depiction of the Furies, or is she implying she is taken by the Furies themselves? The key word here is "by". The Author does not use it. She uses the word "with". "Spellbound with...". "With" gives the impression that the Author could very well be "with" the Furies. Perhaps she can relate to them. Perhaps she is one herself. Mine not to understand the reasoning, motives, and desires of women.
The poem left me with an image of ordered ranks arrayed consisting of Amazon spear sisters at parade rest. Their hard soft eyes glaring straight ahead while they lined a broad avenue. In the background I could hear a slow ballad-like aria sung by a haunting and lilting feminine voice. This is the stuff that inspiration is made from. Thank you, dear Author, for sharing this beautiful work!
Nicely done! I can tell you've spent some time with this. It was a very "clean" read. The only trouble spots I found were with some of the dialogue sequences where new paragraphs should have been started. It didn't seem to flow quite right in some areas.
As soon as I read that they were going to this certain "planet", I knew it was earth. That was predictable. However, I believed right from the beginning that the slavemasters were the humans. You got me on that one. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing!
This was a good story, with a good storyline as written by a Spanish sailor who took part in the "Battle of Gravelines" where the Spanish Armada engaged the English fleet. It was a good read. It would have been even better if the listed genre of "history" had been "fiction" instead. I don't get involved in writing "historical" fiction because it takes painstaking research to pull it off.
It's been quite some time since I've read of this battle. For this review I used "The Oxford Companion to Military History" published by Oxford Press in 2001. I consider it to be a reputable source, as well as a reliable one. We will begin.
The year is 1588. The sailor is telling us of a shipment "of lot's of money". Spanish sailors did not write this way, nor speak this way. He would have written "much gold", or "much treasure". In 1588, I don't think they had even invented "money" as currency yet.
In the third paragraph, "the anti-chritian Englishmen " who were persecuting the Spanish. The English were the Christians! So what were the Spanish? I'm not going to tell. RESEARCH.
The use of the word "cannon" throughout the piece. Some examples;
"...cannon tore..."
"...large cannon hit us..."
"...cannon tore through..."
"...large cannon burst through..."
"...yet another large cannon burst through..."
If all these sailors threw all of these cannon at one another, what did they fight the battle with? It should have been fought with cannonfire and cannonballs. The Spanish lost six ships in this battle. The British three. While dashing around the coast of England, the Spanish lost another 35 ships as a result of inclement weather. That is history.
Let me add in closing, that the British are wonderful propagandists. They excelled at it from the 16th century right up to Dunkirk where it ended with the German Wermacht kicking them back across the English Channel. But there again, it depends on who you are reading, or listening to. Historians have ruled that, in strategic terms, the Battle of Gravelines was "indecisive". It was a draw.
Well, dear Author, my point is you have to do research, and lots of it, from every point of view. Not just one. This kind of writing is very hard work. Thank you for the read. May the One and Only, the Living One, the Real Truth, the Hearer, the Seer, the Benefactor, and the Constant Forgiver, watch over you and bless you!
Upon reading this piece, I was very taken by the first two lines with the way you "mingled" scenery colors with the name "Blue Ridge". That is a fine example of poetic talent. And you exercized that talent throughout the entire piece. I finished reading it and something nagged at me. I read it again and felt as if there was something drastically wrong with this poem referring to such a battle. I read it a third time and my eyeballs almost popped out of my head!
Second stanza, first line. "canons". While the priest was consecrating the wafers and the wine in a "booming" Gregorian chant in the middle of a battlefield, what was everybody else doing?
When you're good, you're good, And you are definitely good, dear Author! A fine example of the perfect Limerick. Very timely also, I might add.
I myself do not drink beer. Nor do I patronize any of the drinking establishments on that day. That is a day when all the "amatuers" come out believing they are "professionals". I have no desire to sit next to someone who is out cold with his face in a puddle of his own vomit on the bar.
I drink tap water with an ounce of Goldschlager. This imported schnapps contains geuine gold shavings that float around in it. Think about that fact for a while, then think about your limerick and me! LOL
This is very good, Kara. It is so good that I bet little Chatterbox helped you write it. Monkeys are very smart and they do like to talk and boast about themslves very much. I should not talk about monkey business to you because you are old enough now to know all about it. Besides, you have lived a long time now with Chatterbox, haven't you? You are five years old, right?
I was wondering if you could do something for me. I have two little friends who are supposed to be babysitting for Miss Lexi. They are supposed to watch over Miss Lexi's twin girls. Could you make sure those two momkeys are awake and paying attention? I'm leaving you a "link" below to get to Miss Lexi's house. When you get there and see the picture, click on "Little Chimu Adopts". Thank you, Kara!
I've been a die hard Tolkien fan since 1968. It doesn't get any better than this, fellow Author! A fine job, and a perfect piece.God bless you for this tribute!
A side of you that I never expected to see, dear Aussie Mother. Well done. A limerick in a true and "beautiful" form. A perfect piece as the genre goes. It doesn't get much better than this! It has been one of my most fervent hopes, since a youngster, to visit your exotic and awe-inspiring homeland. I hope to do just that before I land in that "great walk-about in the sky". I look forward to it very much! Thank you, dear Author!
This was very nice and very good. I found it most enjoyable to read. Sometimes it's the simple things in life that give so much satisfaction!
I found only one problem:
"A remodling construction..." REMODELING.
Other than that, I felt it read well.
I have the little critters in my kitchen. I also have three cats that can't seem to earn their room and board. It appears that the three of them have an understanding with the mice. They won't terminate them if they can "play" with them. The mice seem to have agreed to this because they are always released after "playtime". They've become a part of the household. I've even given them names. There's little OneEar, little OneEye, little HalfTail, little NoTail, little BumLeg, and so on. It's a tough life in that kitchen, but everybody has a good time!
Never Leave Me
"Let your manner of life be without avarice; be content with what you have, for he himself has said, "I will not leave thee, neither will I forsake thee."
I didn't care for this line;
"...I know it will all be
ok because of that promise"
That "ok" doesn't look right at all. Especially in a poem of this type. Perhaps spelling it out, okay? Or maybe just changing it to "alright"?
Fight the Battle
"...in all things taking up the shield of faith, with which you may be able to quench all the fiery darts of the most wicked one. And take unto you the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, that is the Word of God."
This, I believe, is the best of your "interpretations" presented here.
Seeking You
"And you shall call upon me, and you shall go; and you shall pray to me, and I will here you. You shall seek me; and shall find me when you shall seek me with all your heart."
This is well done also, but "Fight the Battle" is still my favorite.
I used the Catholic Action Edition of the Bible looking up these quotes. I feel much more comfortable with it rather than the Standard, King James, or Mormon editions. I was going to consult all four editions here in my library, but at the moment I'm in no condition to do that.
These are all very good presentations you have here concerning the Holy Scriptures. I enjoyed reading them. It was a nice change of pace. Thank you!
Thank you. I would never have believed it was that easy! It's probably one of the easiest things to do I've encountered here. Thanks again. It will be taken care of as soon as the "accountant" wakes up!
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