I enjoyed the story and the reach to compare it to the ugly duckling. I believe the story would have been stronger without making the tie in. Leave out the words ugly duckling because they give the reader a certain anticipation of the story that isn't there really. You don't spend very much time on what happened to her before the crisis and completely set the story up. Even children like to anticipate the end to see what happens. As with anything, it is your story. But since you put it out here, I assume you are seeking another perspective of your work. But I guess we all know what happens when I make assumptions...
Regardless, nice work. I was curious to see your childrens stories having read your erotica and you have proven to be one of the few real jewels I have discovered on w/c. Consistently clean and good work!
Thanks for visiting my review forum, I love to find new faces! They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I believe that this is an interesting beginning for your piece. As you and I have discussed, it will be hard to continue a story of this magnitude trying to keep all of the characters as 'main' you will probably need to demote some of them to supporting and have them simply add to the story lines of the couple that you decide you enjoy the most.
I like the idea of changing the color for the dialogue of each of the characters. It eases the readability. However at the beginning when not all of them have been introduced yet it is a bit confusing. You may want to note that at the top of the story and have a key so that first time readers won't get tripped up here.
I didn't care for the prologue. I think because the initial dream was too short and it didn't give you time to get wrapped up in it. Adding to the dream, then violently ripping the reader out of that to return to the world of the mundane will make a stronger impression.
I really like the idea of having a letter sent home. However, I think in this case it is too long. Possibly have her write several shorter letters so that it isn't like one great big progress report right away. I would start with a letter home when Nefretini is talking to her in the room of the castle. Then have a letter at the end where you have it now, indicating that you have written several times since then, and discuss the relationships between your cast.
Please consider stopping your paragraphs after each use of dialogue. It will make it easier for your readers to keep everything straight.
Looks good. I do hope that you will bring it back to me as you add to it. I would love to see it progress!
Good depiction of how quickly lust which is cleverly disguised as love can fizzle. One comment though, I really don't care for the last line. The second stanza seperated me and you, then in the final stanza you joined them together again. This signifies that me and you are together as they were in the beginning btuat that is not what you have said up to the point. Best of continued luck with your work.
Please do not take my rating as an insult to the memory of your friend, but I think the language could be better.
1. In short poetry, you don't want to use the same words continuously. You use the word 'feel' three times. Try "I experience or I suffer"
2. The first two lines are very weak. Maybe say that "He was an angel, That is all I have to say." Giving the first line a verb will improve the first impression that you give the reader.
3. "The kindest first one" I didn't understand this line at all. You may want to change it so your readers can understand it.
4. "...truly heaven sent back above." doesn't make sense either. If you remove the word above it will still say what you want (though it would remove the rhyme scheme, hmm, I don't know how to get around that)
I like what you have to say, but feel so much could be done witht he formatting and presentation of this piece that would improve its readability and visual attractiveness. Allow me to mention that I am not a poet, but as a fellow writer I would like to make a couple of suggestions.
1. Stanza's can be your friend! This will make it far easier to read as opposed to getting lost as you travel from the end of one line to the beginning of the next. They don't all need to be the same length, in fact, in this piece I would recommend that they vary. The only one in particular that I would like to mention is setting apart the final three lines because they change the tone of the poem.
2. PUNCTUATION!!!! It isn't a bad thing man! Nothing makes me cringe more than the complete absence of commas and periods. Especially in poetry, these give your reader an indication of where the emphasis is, where to stop and process what you just said, and can change the entire perception of the piece. I think it would improve the quality of it dramatically if you would go back and add some in.
3. You spelling of the word behavior needs to be checked.
Nice job. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Hello! Congratulations on winning the reviewing auction. I am very excited that you would want me to review your work even though you know nothing about me. In a quick glance around your port you seem to be a well rounded writer, I look forward to digging into your work.
What a difficult experience for any mother! I am sorry for what you and your family are going through. However, as you set this out here, I assume that you are looking for a critique of the use fo language. (at least I see that as what I would be able to do)
1. The opening paragraph was wonderful. I think that you did a good job of displaying how your son was prior to the grip of the drugs.
2. The third paragraph was a bit confusing int he word choice in the first sentence. You left your garage. To me that indicates that you are leaving the house, not entering it. I would recommend changing it to got into the garage. This shows an inward motion.
3. Divide the forth paragraph when you start to talk about the dogs outside. This is a new idea.
4. The one thing that kept going through my head was 'how does she know that it is drugs?' Is it not possible that he got hurt, died, some horrific catastrophe could have occured and wouldn't that enter her mind somewhere? The lack of this possibility concerned me so much that I returned to the top to see if it was fiction. If this didn't cross your mind, than it didn't and there is nothing you can do about it. But it feels unnatural in the second read. If they did, you may want to mention how you found out you were correct in your determination that it was the drugs that caused him to neglect his everyday responsibilities.
5. Can you explain the toilet paper in the nostrils of the mask? As someone who has never been exposed to meth users, I wondered if this was some kind of reference that I didn't catch. If it is, you may want to point it out a bit clearer.
6. I would seriously consider extending the postscript. Have you had any contact with your son since then? Did he have anything to say about the house? Does he express sincere regret for the decisions he clearly made? I would be interested as the reader of this kind of piece to see his present state of mind beyond the obvious legal procedings.
Best of luck for your family in this time of trial.
I would like to make several comments on your work. I believe that it is good, but there are a few glitches that in my un-expert opinion could make it leaps and bounds better:
1. "Peter the man across the table" this sentence is very clunky. You might try to re-word this.
2. First full paragraph has too many -ish's. (2) Delete one because they are too close together. I personally would lose the greyish. Grey works fine.
3. "empowering your race" clarify what you mean here. How did vampires empower humans? What did the vampires give them? Leaving some things to the reader to figure out is a good thing, I don't believe this is one of them. While you elude to it several times I do believe in this case it would be better to spell it out. In doing so will expand the piece a little, but I think it will add to the depth for the reader.
4. Trim the religious conversation slightly. It sets up the ending a little too much. In a second read if feels stilted.
5. I would love to see you extend the monologue of what the vamps original mission was. Have him reach back and feel that sense of higher calling and righousness that he once believed and feel that important moment when it shattered like glass on the pavement in front of his eyes and jaded his outlook. As it stands, this part is very unclear.
5. What is the difference between a night-stalker and a moon-raiser? You never really say. This is something else you need to spell out to the reader. Have them question the validity of Farnor's point, question his faith, question Peter and his faith, question Peter's flaw and the truth to what that darkness to him could be. But you need to establish what you are dealing with to the readers.
6. Wonderful conclusion. I didn't see it coming before it was on me. Great job. I would like to see this expanded or added to. Possibly a willingness for a sequel? I will certainly visit your port again soon to see if there is more material like this. Bravo!
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This poem is better this time around, I can see the improvement even through the re-working for the contest. I like the rhyme scheme that you have for this poem, it works well for the subject. I know that you know you have a short forth stanza, but it is a bit distracting. All of the others follow a specific format and this one does not. I would consider changing that to have it match the others. One last thing: I still question riding off into the sunset on a horse, this feels very modern until that line, it just doesn't fit to me.
Children can be brutal, can't they? This is an amazingly vivid and strong tale that I honestly believed was a true story up until the very end. Fantastically done!
I would have liked to see a bit more in the space between when she finds Richie and the event that occurs. Some more of her thoughts on what could happen? What should happen? One one of the multiple children was chosen? (because he most appeared like his father, but that could be pointed out)
Great job! If you ever have trouble getting detailed reviews for any of your pieces, stop by my forum:
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Poetry again? You are trying to get me to practice at this aren't you? Okay, I'll try...
1. First - I know this was at the end and it feels strage to begin a review at the bottom, but you use the wrong "new" int he second to last line. I believe you intended for the "knew" meaning of the word.
2. Why the break in format in stanza one and four? It feels strange when reading it. I read poetry aloud to fully (at least as fully as I can) understand it. A momentary pause after commas, brief pause at periods, and a full pause at a stanza end. The flow is completely broken inthe middle by that. The first stanza can stay the way it is but the other really bothers me.
3. I love the topic choice of this piece, you did a wonderful job. However, unless it was a specific part of the prompt that you ride off into the sunset at the end, it is very cliche.
It seems that you are in somewhat of a quandry by the tone of this piece, even if you say that it is only 50% true. I zeroed in on four core questions that I wanted to answer to the best of my ability to see if maybe I could give you a few answers that the other thirteen reviewers didn't. As a relatively green member also, I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you what I do and how I get around.
1. What qualifies me to review others work?
You are as qualified as the rest of us! This is a site where writers can come for unprofessional readers. Meaning that none of us are paid for it. Most of us are pretty well read though, so we aren't morons. I view this as an informal way to put my work out to others and have the opportunity to walk away with new ideas, appreciations, viewpoints, and a few comments to help with the piece as well. You are qualifed to review because that is all the author can expect, the opinion and viewpoint of the reader. That is all I look for in a quality review.
2. What if they don't like what I have to say?
That is their problem! They are too thin skinned in my opinion. Not that I am saying you should run around and tell people that they suck, but tactfully point out the flaws and offer to help with any of teh problems that they do not understand.
3. Does this count as a review?
To some people to say 'that is a good story' is considered a review. I personally don't. Reviews give some kind of constructive criticism, or at least narrowing down the things that you really liked or connected to in a story. Some people focus on technical editting (something I don't have the background to do) and some just to plot / flow editting (my personal favorite). Whatever you do, it is the substance that is important. Direct quotes, large concepts, character descriptions, ect., ect. The time spent is well worth it because someday you will have someone respond in kind with your work. (sometimes even those you review)
4. How can I make friends?
One of the first things that I did when I started on w/c three or four months ago was join a group that matched my interests. This gave me an immediate core group of people to have look at my work. Then I started using the search option to find other material in my genre and reviewed their stuff. Much to my suprise, they started reviewing me. I believe the key to building a group of supportive readers for your work is to work just as hard reviewing others. My personal trick is to look through my reviews, find the ones that really took my work on (not always the ones that stroked my ego, but sometimes) and do really strong reviews for them. You can build a repore with members by devoting time, which some will in turn devote to you.
To me the key to all of your concerns are time and confidence. Your opinions are just as valid as anyone else on this site. Your rewards are based on your efforts. There are tons of members on here, it is impossible to get known unless you do some iniciating. Go forth and review young one! Reviewing is the key (in my opinion) Like the song says, *green*It ain't easy being green, but you will learn the things you need to know pretty quick. This site is set up to be very user friendly.
Hope that some of my comments helped. So, if you ever get a chance, come back to my little corner of the w/c world. I would love to see you flex some of those reviewing muscles!
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It is always exciting to find new faces!
I believe that you have a stunning story building here. I have reviewed quite a few pieces out here and can honestly say that few possess an ability that could rival yours. Your writing style is amazing and exciting, bravo!
There are only a couple of specific things that I think you might want to address with this piece before continuing onward.
1. You have Brilthor thinking about visiting his sibling sister who is in a new ramantic relationship, then our warrior mentions rushing to her home and noticing that he is passing his brother. Now, while in retrospect you could be discussing three siblings, in the moment the warrior feels like the man Brilthor's sister is seeing and this feels like an inconsistency. You may want to take a moment somewhere in there to make this point more clear.
2. The enemy creatures seem difficult to pinpoint throughout this chapter. While I know this was completely intentional and I wouldn't consider telling you to change that, I think that means that your description of what they are when Cirdon views the dead one at his feet should be extremely detailed. I would discuss his wounds and where the fatal blow seemed to hit. (as a warrior this is something he would notice so he could replicate it in the future) Also, I would say things that you haven't said before about the physical appearence of the beast. What does it smell like, how about it's teeth? You previously mention the swiping claws, how about noticing the size of the paws or the total size of the beast itself? Things that I believe would add to the overall interest of the reader.
Wonderful job! I look forward to seeing more of this piece in the future. You are an exciting read! I would like to encourage you to come back and see me with edits of this piece as well as anything else you put together.
Fantastic story! I am really impressed with your creativity and insight into the torture, pain, and remorse of the human (though in this case immortal) mind. You have such a wonderful ability and I thouroughly enjoy reading your work.
In the memory, there are two things that I would like to mention. You say that he went into the forest to live and only came back once for a coat and a newspaper. I think you should reverse the order of these comments. How would he just so happen to run across the newspaper from the night of the occurance if it is some time later? That is what it sounds like. Also, I think it would be an incredible addition to have him recall the newspaper headline. Something strong and striking that would remind you more of the night and bring it to a more crashingly believable manner.
Only one other thing. I think to give your janitor (not your vampire) an approximate age so we can have an idea as to the appearance of our storyteller without a physical description.
Classic and attractivly modern at the same time, such a delicate balance is rarely attained anymore!
The classic vampire (one that turns into a bat for travel) is so rarely written anymore, bravo for reviving him if only for a moment.
I was attracted to the concept of this story; the rush that he gives to her, the delight he draws from keeping her company, the ecstasy that she derives from the pleasure he gives to her, are all well done. But, (I know, isn't there always a but in a review? ) I think that you could have better explained why he feels this passion for this one woman. what can she provide for him that no one else can? Surely it isn't her accent, or her looks, or her willingness because he would be able to find that elsewhere also. I think you need to better explain this part of the story to pull it full circle and draw the reader into why he is really here.
The perfection and lackluster innocence is painted better visually than I believe it could have been if it was in picture. Wonderfully done. There is not a single thing I would change. Amazing work. Congratulations!
Marius, Yea! The greatest of all the Rice Vampires!
I must admit, that rice novels are a vice for me and Marius was ALWAYS my favorite. I was always drawn to the conplexities of his character and his inner struggle with his passions. I imagine in the presence of a being as him I would feel much the same way as you have discribed here; weak yet stronger, sinner yet un-repenting, loving yet so terribly lusting. Well done. It might be a fun idea to write to the rest of the characters as well and folder your personal tributes to them. You would probably catch a ton of reviewers, there seem to be a bunch of Anne fans.
You only posted it in my review forum what feels like months ago (something like a week and a half ago, right?) and I am just now finishing it. I think that you are quite an amazing writer, this is a quite phenominal piece. I have a couple of general comments and I am going to start with chapter three of the first day since my last review to tie you over until I came back did the first two chapters. These like I said are general comments and not grammatical combing, but flow, prose, and style opinions.
1. Quite a few of the dream sequences are too cryptic for the full impact to reach the reader. The dream in the beginning of chapter three is a good example of this. I can't understand the first clue of what is going on and find myself skimming them because I assume after a while that I am not going to ever understand them. You may want to give a little more relevant information so that the reader will be drawn into these passages instead of turned off.
2. In chapter eight you have what I would consider to be a minor easy to miss problem. Just one moment priorJack discovered Angie's hand and now you use the innocent sentence "...notice something interesting about our fingernails..." when Jack is in group session and Jordan later has an episode. Two sentences that are perfectly acceptable seperately, together cause a link in the thought process. You may want to change to toes in the latter.
3.We never found out what Miriam threw at the good doctor, either that or I was too ignorant to figure out what it was.
4. Wannabe having the conversation with Jack toward the end was very interesting to me. A little more conviction on his part to convey his association with Jordan would have been helpful.
5. I realize that this is the careful work that you have obviously spent hours upon hours working on. To help get more readers (and to make it easier on the readers that you have all ready snagged) I would like to recommend breaking this down into several slightly more managable postings. It would be easier to sit down and read four reasonably large chunks as opposed to one massive work. It is intimidating at first, I figure more than one has shyed away after discovering the length. Smaller pieces will garner more commentary, believe me it worked for my book.
Great piece. I think this will be a stunning and awe inspiring piece by the time you finish. Please do e-mail me or post back in the forum when you add to it. I want to see this story to the end.
Stay inspired and keep writing,
Ciao,
Genevieve
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Good plot and strong main character. You are really off to an amazing start with this story. Miranda was well built and appropraitely curious, you did well with her. I found Jack a bit strange and contradictory though. He seems legitimately concerned for her well being, yet he is a domesic out at a tourist bar, telling her that he will walk her home because no one should be alone here after dark, then propositioning her, after she says no wanting to go on a tourist attraction tour with her. It seemed very back and forth to me and I would have liked to see more of a static character in Jack.
The conclusion was strong, the horror of it all sinking in quickly as Jack arrives. You have done a good job with this piece. Well done.
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I like the second chapter, you are certainly off to a good start with this entire piece. There are a couple of things that I would like to point out though.
1. You used the phrase "on a relationship" could be a typo, but it should have be in. Just wanted to make sure.
2. "As he walked in, Rachel got a glimpse of him and went to him." Way too many he's and him's. You need to rework this sentence because it is difficult to understand and it is hard to read. One suggestion might be Rachel got a glimpse of Michael as he walked in so she headed his direction. Just adding his name would be very helpful to the reader because as it stands my eyes really stumbled over it.
3. I wouldn't even mention point 1 if I hadn't seen this on, "She was on those beautiful green eyes a spark.." Here again it would be in. The quirkyness (is that a word?) of the english language, have you ever wondered why you sit in a chair but on a couch? Maybe it is just me...
Nice chapter, I look forward to getting to seeing more of it. I have several other items that I need to get to but I will be back either this afternoon or tomorrow.
Though I have only had the chance to read the first couple of chapters I do intend to put a good dent in them by this weekend.
This is a great start to something that gets better with the coming chapters. I am curious to know how Jonathan turns into Jack (I know this seems really minor but you can't control the wandering mind of the reader and NEVER anticipate the questions that they will come up with) because the manipulation doesn't seem like something that would happen on its own.
I would have liked to have a physical description of the 'good doctor' so I know what you want me to see. This would be easy to throw in when Jack whips around to find Dr. Macabee in his space. You could focus in on several particulars like food between his teeth and cheap calogne or something.
The single comment about how the voices are his own and not for sharing was interesting. It makes me question just how the story is being told. Is this some kind of diary or is it just a monologue? Something you might want to distinguish.
The groups didn't make any sense to me. If they are not broken down strictly by the color of their jumpsuits, how are they divided? You might want to have Angie explain this here.
I have no idea what happened to Jordan at the end of this chapter. You really need to go back to this scene and re-work it in my opinion because I don't know what was going on and in the scheme of things it seems important.
Hope that I have been of some help. Looks great so far and I can't wait to read more!
This poem was much stronger than the one I reviewed of yours yesterday because once you explain your analogy you don't go back to it directly. The references are clear and strong. The rhyme scheme is very positive, it seems that you have a knack for this!
Such an amazing analogy to begin with! At the bottom of the piece you mention the book Pro-sumer Power and I wonder if this is the way it was presented there. Corporate America as the gorilla, yeah, they look kind of alike.
As a budding economist; I agree with what you are saying and the way you present the idea in a clear way for those who don't follow consumer markets to understand. Great work!
This story was even better than the one that I read yesterday! Once again, I have a few of the same problems that I had witht he previous story. The main thing that I think could have made this even that much better would be a good paragraph length description of the old man in the cemetery. This would keep the reader on the edge of their seat for just a moment longer and draw them into the complete picture of Jason's emotions. I believe it would be very beneficial to the story as a whole to go into that kind of detail here.
The ending was wonderful. I thought it was inventive and it certainly was not what I was expecting, Bravo!
I think that you have the beginning of a strong character in Frencesca but the story is pretty choppy in many places. Since this is just listed as a short story I can only assume that this is something that you do not intend to continue the story of this character except by maybe lengthening what is all ready here. You give so much that needs to be explained (why she can fly, the name of her clan, the breif explanation of their torture over the years, ect.) that I think you really need to go back and remove or explain these things. It causes the reader to become very disenchanted with what they are reading. Granted, it would be enough to keep me reading, if you had a next chapter link at the bottom. But as it stands I find it lacking.
Review aside, I would like to see more out of your character Francesca. I think that you have the start of what could become a very dynamic individual.
I don't usually review poetry but this was quite different than most of the poetry that I have seen on this sight. It was easy to understand, encouraging, and used an interesting analogy. I was impressed. The opening stanza was in my opinion the strongest, explaining that you were discussing something much more important than a dog. The one thing that I didn't care for is that you seemed to switch back and forth through the middle and end. Stick with the analogy or pick a stanza to move to reality with a defined seam. As it is I think that the end is pretty weak, but the idea is so strong that I couldn't bear to give it a lesser rating.
I found this story of yours because a friend of mine, Rashenbo, reviewed you and advised me to head your direction. I think you have the start of something definately interesting here. Allow me to contribute a couple of comments.
1. If Atalanta and Raiko could vanish as they do at the end of the chapter, why then did it take them so long to get to the kingdom and were they even seen getting there? This made no sense to me and I think it would be best for you to explain this a bit better because at this point it feels like a contradiction.
2. In the longer stories, like this one has the likelyhood of becoming, you don't want to rely so heavily on the dialogue. If possible I think it would be best to minimalize the amount of speech that you have because it causes pretty choppy reading.
3. It would have been nice to have physical descriptions of the King and Queen at some point in the chapter.
At the beginning you said that you were contemplating whether or not to go further with this piece and I think that it definately has the potential for being something really great. If you decide to continue please let me know, I would love to review it.
Stay inspired and keep writing,
Ciao,
Genevieve
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They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Nothing makes me cringe more than the complete absence of commas and periods. Especially in poetry, these give your reader an indication of where the emphasis is, where to stop and process what you just said, and can change the entire perception of the piece. I think it would improve the quality of it dramatically if you would go back and add some in.
