Your piece is poignant. You use "each," "neither' and "one" effectively to show the separation that these two people are feeling. The description of the busy restaurant creates a sharp contrast between the interaction of others and the isolation of the two individuals. Your repetition of "thoughts" and use of fragments emphasize your point as well.
Although you have a few minor errors, unlike your sad scenario, most have a simple solution.
"...sat there eating their lunches" Since technically "each" is singular, you would need to change to "...each was wrapped up in his own thoughts." However, it would seem preferable to change "each" to "both were..." That way you can keep "theirown thoughts." self-involved Double-space between paragraphs to make reading easier.
I reluctantly address this one because I actually spent time looking into it both online and in the dictionary. While there are differences of opinion, most sources, including my dictionary, agree that the correct phrasing is "each other's face"; because each is singular, and each person has one face, this makes sense.
Overall, I think you've done quite well in expressing your emotion. The changes I've suggested are minor. Should you decide to make any of the aforementioned changes, I will be happy to rerate your piece.
You poem has much merit. In the first two stanzas, you are particularly effective in showing fear as a tangible, concrete entity. The phrase "cruel faces" aptly personifies fear. Other phrases, such as "empty spaces," "tangled blur of city lights," darkened tunnels," "vacant lots" all create clear images. Also, some lines address experiences that people can relate to. For instance, who hasn't driven down that "filthy run-down street at night" praying to find the nearest highway? Furthermore, your appeal to senses helps to make fear palpable.
While I think that there is much to be admired in your poem, I have a few suggestions for you to consider. Change "uncomfortably" to a stronger word that complements "scorching." For tighter cadence, delete the first "and" in the last line of the second stanza. Since it's the only stanza to break the rhyme scheme, I suspect you were at a loss in stanza three as to what to rhyme with "glass." If that's the case, a solution would be to switch the order to "It sounds like shattered glass and screams" to create more rhyming options. In stanza four, how about removing "the knife" so as to make a direct connection between fear and darkness? Also, you could tighten the next line to maintain the cadence. Probably my best piece of advice addresses stanza five. It seems that conquering your fear would allow you to let down your guard whereas fear would disallow it.
Because poetry is especially personal, I realize that it's difficult to accept criticism, even when it's meant to be helpful, which is my intention. It's equally difficult, but important, to give an honest appraisal. I am rating your poem now, but if you choose to make any modifications, I will reconsider my rating.
Regardless of what you do, I hope you continue to explore life through your poet's mind.
Hello, Donea.
I saw your entry and thought I'd return the favor of a critique. First, naturally I like the names: Beau Tocks and Celluloid. Clever! Also you give a plausible reason for the names: that no one exercises as they did in the "good old days."
(Glad I jogged a mile today before I read this; I could still use a trip to Venus though...) I truly enjoyed reading your entry.
Now, I will offer you some suggestions to consider. You can make these minor improvements before the contest deadline.
-Move "word count..." to the end of the entry.
-Change "read through his orders in detailed fervor" to "read his detailed orders with fervor."
-Provide a reason for this fervor. Is it the possibility that he, too, can physically benefit from the trip to Venus? Maybe he could envision, rather than show, his (hmm, possibly her? - Sal Uloid?!)golf ball-like thighs, and thus be delighted at the promise Venus holds? You have 16 words to add if need be.
-"...have the key," the lieutenant said.
-"...to weight loss permanent and energy eternal."
(Maintain parallel structure.)
I hope these suggestions help strengthen your chances for winning. Remember, it's usually much easier to offer suggestions than it is to sweat out actually writing a piece. You already did lots of hard work by writing the entry; all you need now is to polish it a bit.
Good luck! Hope to see you on Oprah!
Hey, Dmack, thank you for visiting my port and responding to "Mystery Solved." I am glad you liked it so well; I sure had fun writing it.
To return the favor, I chose at random one of your pieces to critique. I picked "They're Going to be Mad" because the title enticed me. In your story, you capture the angst of a young person who's confronted with dilemma. You explore an "every man" internal struggle. Lie? Avoid? Confess?
Congratulations on an excellent job of addressing the options of conscious and leaving it open to the reader's interpretion. I like the opportunity to come to my own conclusion, whether or not it's the one the author intended. In this case, for instance, my sense is that he(she?)'ll confess, not necessarily because it's the right thing to do, but because the evidence is damning and the "culprit" is smart enough to realize it (by recognizing that the hand of the clock is detached) and face the consequences sooner rather than later.
Regardless of whether that's what you intended, the point is that you allowed me to use my imagination rather than inform me of the outcome. That's a very effective strategy for a writer to employ: allowing the reader to use her own mind.
Thanks for inviting me to your place!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gingerosa
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:51am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
"...sat there eating their 
Since technically "each" is singular, you would need to change to "...each was wrapped up in 
self
Double-space between paragraphs to make reading easier.
I reluctantly address this one because I actually spent time looking into it both online and in the dictionary. While there are differences of opinion, most sources, including my dictionary, agree that the correct phrasing is 