Now we get to wonder what Geoff found out and how. It was good to see Shirley doing something traditionally 'witchy', but when she climbed her broom, I expected her to go somewhere that would move the plot.
"Shirley knew there was no such thing as a white witch" is a great line. Then one of Shirley's spells gets away from her. Then, the chapter ends with Shirley angry at Althea and targeting her with a negative spell. You have set the stage for a dark turn.
I am really liking the mystery subplot surrounding the letter.
Did you deviate from your previous formula, where Shirley works on the spell at the beginning of the chapter, and we see the results of the spell at the end? I don't see her creating a spell that catches the school in fire... or does it take the letter?
You have me guessing and wondering, which are both good.
Very fun chapter. Lots of gags and smiles. You moved the plot forward with Miss Pink and the last paragraph. Nicely done and I had fun reading it. I am waiting to see if 'A. Gardner' is 'Alex Gardner' and where that is all going. The pace is good.
This is the big chapter I have been waiting for! Shirley uses magic and fights back.
Your paragraph:
"Now, for those of you with arachnophobia (an irrational fear of spiders), you might feel a pang of sympathy for Althea. Don't. Althea is a Jekyll and Hyde character who has taken pleasure in distressing the staff. Her inconsistency, charming and complimentary one day, critical and stormy the next, made her a true terror."
is not really necessary. You have done an excellent job of letting us see who and what Althea is. I did not feel sorry for her in the slightest. Excellent and very fun chapter.
Fun story. I enjoyed reading it. Lou Ryan does the hard-boiled detective bit well.
There are several commonly used noir words for women such as tomato, twist, frail, jane, broad, doll, frill or gal. Or, a dish, doll, doll face, skirt, or looker is an attractive woman. You might use one of these or others to get some change-up from using the word 'dame' so much. Just a thought.
Your prose is excellent and the story is great. I enjoyed reading it.
The only thing that made me stop and pulled me out of the action was when you referred to the Scottish Terrier as being filled with terror and aggression. The word 'aggression' makes me picture an animal bearing its fangs and straining at the tether, trying to attack.
Then the story states that Beverly used her magnifying glass to look at the initials on the dog's collar. That would require the dog to be relatively still and allow her to come close.
I think it would fit your intent more if you replaced the word 'aggression' with something like 'acquiescence' or some word that implies that the dog is on the ground and quivering.
I love noir, and this is done well. A collection of stories like this would make a fun book that someone could pick up whenever they had a few minutes. I'm not saying a 'bathroom' book, but I mean a bathroom book.
The pacing is excellent, Detective Jackson Graves is hard-boiled, and the resolution is satisfying.
I very much like how human Montag is. He meets up with a woman at a bar, and they end up trading existential crises. He goes home alone. Then, when confronted with the intruder, he makes one sarcastic response, but then reels when confronted with the fact that the intruder knows his family.
You have laid the groundwork for a lot of backstory here.
It worked; you have my interest. Due to its length and introductory nature, you might consider calling it a prologue rather than Chapter One. But some people hate prologues, so that is your call.
When Jack asked at the beginning, "Is it a scary scarecrow?" I thought he and Sarah were children, but then she buried herself in his "manly chest and arms," and I knew they were adults. Something as simple as saying "He said, jokingly" after the "scary scarecrow" question might have helped me.
Mentioning Jim only once and letting me know that there is a whole story there to tell in the future was excellent.
You and I share the issue that we tend to add extra words. I have to edit myself when I write. An example is "No, it is all too popular with the birds." The word 'all' there feels a little stilted. And, since she is speaking, a contraction such as it's instead of 'it is' might make it seem more natural.
Another example is "I have often wondered why the farmer sticks with it." It might flow better as "I often wonder why the farmer sticks with it." Avoid the verb tense that includes the 'have' whenever you can. It usually weakens the prose.
The part about the bone hitting Jack in the back was fantastic! Everything you had written to that point was in the form of a romance novel, and suddenly, you drop a strong mystery on us.
All in all, my comments are minor and ticky-tacky. You have a great start to a story here. Definitely five stars.
A nice shot of the decision point in Mala's life. Some internal conflict after she saw the nun and before she directed her driver to turn around might have added a little drama. Very pleasant and uplifting short.
A nice story that made me feel good. I enjoyed how the angels presented their seasons, staying completely positive without trying to say negative things about the others. They all ended up being right.
You clearly have the universe in which you are writing thoroughly created in your mind. The characters' reactions to a strange ship crossing the border show the confidence they have in their navy. You also do a good job of showing how little they fear the vessel at first. Captain Mexus's acting in what was a completely inappropriate manner on first contact was good as it established different customs.
Some tips:
1. Books are normally written in either first person singular (I) or third person (he/she/they). You are writing in first-person plural (we). This can be an artistic choice on your part, but it is unusual, and I don't know from whose point-of-view (POV) you are writing. At one point, you switched to third-person plural (they), which got confusing since I did not know whether you were referring to Captain Maletea's crew or the crew of the other ship.
2. Don't end sentences with the words "of" or "with" unless there is a specific reason for it. This is not just a grammar nazi thing; it is distracting to the reader.
3. You sometimes add extra lines that are unnecessary and throw the timing off from the reader's perspective. For example, when Maletea says "Arm the targeting array", Gutlute replies, "What’s the target and with what do you wish to fire at them?". It would make sense for them as professional military personnel to have drilled this many times and Maletea would start with "Arm the targeting array for drives and bridge, Do not hit. Fire wide! Torpedoes!”. This occurs again on the next order when Gutlute has to ask "Armed, Fire now or on count?".
4. It will help if you do one last thorough edit after you have uploaded to the site and before you submit. Files tend to look very different on your computer screen than they do once formatted in Writing.com. Also, you can catch things like having left notes from previous versions.
I enjoy updated noir writing and am a big Amos Walker fan. I enjoyed your story. The brick-on-a-rope murder weapon is excellent. One recommendation. It might tighten up your callback to the original clues if you strengthened your reference to the diaries at the beginning. I might be something as simple as adding the phrase "...,stories of local legends" to the paragraph which reads "Take a good look around, Cal. This is just local stuff, you know. Century old pictures, a few diaries about the early days. A few pictures of the mills that ran around here, back in the day."
Minor thing: The past tense of 'lie down' is 'lay down' not 'laid down'. Sorry to be a grammar nazi.
An enjoyable read. I got a little confused as, when Eleanor Vance called on Willie to speak, she said, "Proceed, Mr. Davies." But that isn't Willie's last name.
There was nothing I did not like about this. The length was perfect, and it ended with the mystery resolved to the point of making the story complete, but still leaving questions for further conjecture and thought. Well done.
Last year, I read an autobiographical work by C.S. Lewis. Ivan's speech reminds me of the way Lewis wrote in that book. There is a lot of depth, and I have to read it very closely (sometimes reading it over twice) to avoid missing something.
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