Hello there, just stopping by your profile to give you a friendly review from our wonderful group "WDC Frontliners".
I'm currently practising 'line by line' reviewing, so i hope you don't mind. my comments are below in bold.
You've got something good growing here and i hope you keep it up. its a very interesting read that gets the reader involved and draws them into the story. it is very well written, and the comments below are more just suggestions which you may or may not find helpful. Please feel free to ignore them.
I wish you good luck with this endeavor.
Write on!
Aaron
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello, my name is Hope. I’m writing this account of the last couple of months so that you know the truth. It’s not just a myth or a creepy story told at camp. They are out there. Vampires. I know you are rolling your eyes right now, thinking, ya right and so is the Easter Bunny. - 'Yeah' right is more correct, unless your character has an accent.
- also, 'easter bunny' doesn't seem to fit the mood. Can you think of something else, something perhaps more threatening?
I would have said the same thing not long ago. But now I know the truth. They are out there, I should know, I’m one of them.
They aren’t all bad. Most of them are gross blood sucking leaches, but not all of them. - 'gross' doesn't seem to fit here, especially with your following sentence that your character also drinks blood. perhaps 'dispicable' or 'disgusting' or something along those lines would fit better.
Not me (well except for the blood sucking part, sorry). There is a small group of rebel vamp kids that I am a part of; we call ourselves Knight’s Children. - I like the name, almost 'nights children', which would fit vampire kids very well. Is the 'vamp' intentional, or should it be 'vampire kids'. All depends on whether you intend on using that shortening alot in the book or sticking to 'vampire'
We truly care about humans; actually we are risking our lives to save them. But if we should fail, if we don’t survive. . . I trust that this record will find someone that can stop them. This is very important: they must be stopped. - I really liked that part!
You are probably now thinking that I’m some disturbed kid with an overactive imagination. That’s okay, soon you’ll understand (or you’ll wind up thinking that I’m even crazier than you thought by the time you finish this story). I will tell you about how I came to be more than human and even more than a vampire. - The part in brackets, its not quite right. perhaps not needed since it makes the reader doubt you will be convincing enough in your story to actually make them believe.
My story begins when my name was Audrey and I was a normal teenage girl. When my biggest problems where that everyone thought I was an Ice Princess at school, and having a crush on a guy that didn’t even know I existed. It’s hard to believe that it was only a couple of months ago. - 'where' = 'were'
Deep. I'm not much of a poet, but I can see this relating too a lot of people. It all seems to flow well, and has good impact in the last lines. Its sad that often we know so little about the people we sit and work all day.
Perhaps this will make people start to ask questions.
Oooh, good stuff. i liked the bit at the end, the what if? its a good question too.
I was wondering the entire time though if it was something to do with his father and his uncles falling out, if they'd done something really bad and covered it up together. dunno though.
Anyway, i liked this, keep it up.
Write on!
Aaron
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