I enjoyed reading this festive lesson. Great writing!
Here are a few things I picked up on:
It is a bug bear of mine when numbers aren't spelled out in a story. In my opinion, it subtracts from the story.
In the first paragraph, when you write about all the fruits and nuts available to the family, it reads like a list. Consider re-writing to appeal to the sense more? Describe the sight of some of the nuts, the smell of some of the fruits, the taste...
Most of which I got out of, because I was the baby, and my older siblings say I was spoiled.
- I thought she had only one sibling, an older sister?
You write beautifully. I especially enjoyed your character interaction and how you depicted their emotions. As far as plot and character development go, you're doing a great job because I want to read more of this story! I enjoyed reading this.
I noticed that you use the word "that" a lot when it isn't necessary. I was once told that you shouldn't hardly ever use "that" when writing fiction and can often be switched to "which" (especially when talking about a person) or completely removed from a sentence. Also, over using the word "had" can make a story seem stilted. Have a look through it and try and remove the unnecessary ones in your story.
The pacing here is really good and throws in just the right amount of information to get the reader wanting to know more. It's the well done. I can not see anything that needs work.
In need of a good spell/grammar check, but easy to read. There are a few run-on sentences that you'll pick up during a read through. The character development is good, as well as the plot. Good chapter.
1) Some people can be really fussy about dialogue tags, I not so much. However, I will point out to you that you need to check some of them - you have missing commas and/or have capitalised words that aren't needed. Consistency is key regarding dialogue tags (or so I'm told!).
2) You started at least one sentence with the word 'and' - that's terrible! A proper sentence can't start with the word 'and'. I remember my literacy teacher drilling that into my head. Though, the rule is disregarded if it's dialogue.
3) I picked up on a couple of spelling mistakes, and a few places where there are missing commas - both things easy to pick up when you do a proofread. Also, "thank-you" can be written without the dash but that's just a grudge I have about dashes!
4) I noticed that you use the word 'he' at the start of a lot of sentences - there's no rule against that, but when reading it makes the story feel stilted. You might want to re-word a few of your sentences. For example, six out of the seven sentences in the last paragraph start with the word 'he'. The sentence, "He felt the pain now as he struggled for breath." could be re-worded to, "As he struggled to breath, the pain became very real to him." Go through this chapter and have a play with some of the sentences.
All in all, it's a good first chapter.
Plot and characters are believable and realistic. A bit sad to think Legate might die when I've just gotten to know him!
It held my attention all the way to the end. Well done. Keep writing. Request a review from me when you're second chapter is ready to be reviewed.
I enjoyed reading this, though it was a bit much that a lot of the times your characters didn't get along.
It's more fantasy than sci-fy, so perhaps change the genre?
This is probably only a rough draft and you're probably aware that it's in need of a proofread so i'll not go through it (unless you want me to then just e-mail, i'll be happy to help).
Personally, I prefer less dialogue but it seems to work here. However, it's a bit like he-said-she-said. I received this snippet of infomation from a newsletter that might help you to develop this:
Nothing is more boring to a reader than continued use of “he said” or “she said”. That one word “said” immediately distracts your reader from the dialogue. In this instance remember the mantra from the previous paragraph – less is more. There is a huge selection of synonyms available for “said”, many of which also give detail to your character’s personality and the current situation.
An example:
“Please help me,” she said. Fine if the character is fetching parcels from the car or clearing the dinner table.
“Please help me”, she whispered. Adds suspense – what has happened to make her speak so quietly? Is she hiding? Has a stranger attacked her? Is she trying to attract someone?
Please help me," she begged. Adds intrigue - why is she begging? Is she starving? Has she been attacked?
It needs a proof read as I have spotted a couple of typos.
Also, in my opinion, the ending feels like it's more detailed than the main body of the story. It doesn't fit the flow.
All in all a fun short story about how challenging families can be.
I enjoyed reading this. Especially the first paragraph.
It needs a proof read to correct grammar issues. Here are some that I found in the first paragraph:
You cannot start a sentence with the word "and" as you have on numerous occasions.
Intense sunlight floods my vision, momentarily blinding me. - doesn't need a comma.
All I have is sound. The sound of waves lapping at the shore, the screams of seagulls, and the laughter of children. - a semicolon needs to be after the fourth word.
I can’t quite remember how or when I got here, but it feels like it’s been a long time. - no comma needed here.
A series of fragmented memories flash in my mind’s eye: A dilapidated room, an empty lecture hall, a coffee cup shattering as though it’s in slow motion. - the capital letter following the colon needs correcting to a lower case letter.
There were many bright students in the class; I could tell that many of them had the potential to do great things. I could see their lives flashing before my eyes, walking across the stage to receive their diploma, giving speeches as politicians, or raising families. - perhaps an "and" where the semicolon is and a semicolon instead of a full stop?
Word usage and description
When describing the coffee, i'd be more inclined to change "courage" to "motivation". Your character needs to be motivated to clean up the party mess, unless it's really disgustingly messy then courage is fine.
Grammar, spelling, and typos
I don't think a comma is needed on the first line. I don't feel there is a natural pause in the sentence.
I'm unsure on whether or not tea cup needs the capitalisation you've given it. To me it seems unneeded.
"Aunts" needs an apostrophe.
'Geno's Out Door Restaurant' needs correcting. Outdoor is one word.
The only I have to say is that you don't need to use commas so much. For example, "It may be city air clogged with smog but it smelled fresh after twelve straight" is a perfectly good sentence without them. Have a re-read and see if you can spot other sentenced that do not need commas (as I did).
These were a few things I have picked up whilst reading this, I hope you find them helpful.
Layout
I don't know why the first line is in bold... Maybe it's because it's a line you needed to include for the contest.
Word usage and sentence structure
Forgive me if i'm wrong but as your talking in past-tense shouldn't this line, "He said with pride.", have the word 'had' in it?
I always find that it comes across easier to read when a character's thoughts are in italics. Consider changing this sentence, "...and thought, son, don't get your hopes up right now", to italics where appropriate. As is the case throughout the story.
This sentence is a bit bland, "...if any of them would walk out of there" - why not? Would they want to stay? Was someone going to keep them hostage? The reader doesn't know exactly what you mean. Consider adding the word 'alive' to the end of the sentence to sum up the severity of the situation.
I feel this bit of dialogue could be split up, ""Everybody listen up. Collect all the dogs tags and put them in my pack over there. Cory, see if you can get Company C on the radio. Tell them we need help here. We need some air power to hit those fields and the outer buildings. Now soldier, Go!"". For example: "Everybody listen up," the sergeant called attention, "I need someone to collect all of the dog tags and put them in my pack over there," he barked, "Cory, see if you can get Company C on the radio - tell them we need help here, air power to hit those fields and the outer buildings," and when Cory hesitated, "now, soldier, go!"
Overall I think the structure of your dialogue sentences could be improved with simple breaks (as shown above).
Grammar, spelling, and typos
Fourth line down there is a typo - "look" should be "looked".
There is a space too many here: "... left of it, to get out...".
I'm pretty sure that it's 'dog tags' and not "dogs tags". There is a huge difference between the two.
You could use a spell and grammar check - nothing major.
I realise this is a short-story-type piece of writing but it could be a great opening to a novel. Have you ever considered continuing it? I would definitely be interested in reading it.
It's a great piece of writing with no grammar or spelling issues (but there is a typo on the second to last line that needs correcting) and it flows brilliantly.
It reads like it could be a horror story with all of the misdirection and blunt sentences. It's very well written and as far as I can see their are no grammar or spelling issues.
It is a welcome change to the usual works of fiction on this site.
This would be a great piece of writing depicting your opinion if you fine tune it a little more. For example, it needs a lot of grammar corrections (capitalise the appropriate letters), your word usage is questionable (abbreviating words is a big no-no), and use breaks in the writing will make it easier to read.
Overall, you succeeded in expressing your opinion colourfully.
Layout:
Please consider using breaks! It would make it far more easier to read!
Storyline, plot, and flow:
Without the aid of breaks in this paragraph, the story has difficulty flowing. However, that is easily corrected.
The storyline has potential to be great if it is further worked on. Sentence structure is a thing that needs attention to made this happen!
Word usage, imagery, and sentence structure:
This sentence, "Benji always got worked up when she can always use her imagination it was the only thing she can have fun with twenty four hours a day", desperately needs reconstructing to make sense.
The way you explain things needs a little work, try to embellish things a little more, and please do check that your sentences make sense and aren't loaded with too much information!
Spelling and grammar:
There are may grammatical errors that need fixing (mostly comma related) but spelling seems to be fine.
A very well written poem that I very much enjoyed reading.
I have absolutely no criticisms of it as all grammar and spelling is perfect and layout and flow are great. I don't think anyone could ask for anything more in a poem.
Perhaps you could consider changing the title to 'The Ice Queen'? I think it has more of an impact.
Very well written as a moral-inducing fairytale. I enjoyed it very much, as I do all fairytale stories.
I see no mistakes or typos, you've obviously been through it with a fine tooth comb (so to speak), and it all flows very well making it easy to read on a screen.
Title:
As this is an expressive piece of writing of your opinion, perhaps you should considering changing the title to something more persuasive such as 'Niqab v No Niqab'.
Layout:
The layout was easy to read though I do think you could structure your facts a little better.
Word usage and imagery:
You abbreviated the word 'January' when there is no need to. It looks informal when you are trying to express your opinion formally.
Consider putting the word 'my' into this sentence "...and stability in motherland country Egypt".
Grammar and spelling:
The comma in this sentence, "...limit the terrorism , marital infidelity and..." needs correction.
Attention needed on this, "...and prostitution works Specially after the..." - place a comma after the word "works" and lose the capital letter or make it into a separate sentence.
The comma in this sentence, "...and the honor ,entity and name of Islam", also needs correcting.
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