I started to copy and paste all the ways you carried the story forward but there were too many.
So why did you carry me through a story and a memory I was not enjoying?
You took poverty and presented as business transactions and a struggle at the same time. Trust me many business owners can relate. For all the reasons you describe. Fraud/theft. lack of customers/resources/generosity. Those you say are responsible will not see it but anyone who has struggled to survive will understand PS that includes those with means still trying to succeed.
I have a unique perspective because I have been rich, poor, homeless, cheated and denied. What you wrote was nothing new to me. You reached this rich guy even the poorest are business people with only their lives to lose.
The task no matter who you are no matter your position in life your desire your failures it is just another struggle. Just another fight for survival. Even the rich lose thier lives trying to complete the task.
I did not enjoy the subject matter ( bad memories maybe ) Loved the way you presented it. i saw no grammar or spelling errors but was so drawn in I was not looking for them. I felt it spoke to the times we are living in and even a rich guy can relate. No I am not rich. I am retired one step away from the streets again but I live comfortably at least more comfortably.
Anyone who reads it will be able able to see themselves in it and find hope even though it had tinges of despair.
Final word and points
Well done. You stayed to a thought and message. Should have been titled "The TASK" Just my two cents worth one cent after tax. It flowed and you kept drawing the reader in. It was amazing and surprising. I am rarely surprised. Will it sell I doubt it I cannot see the mass appeal but those who read it will be drawn to it time and time again.
I usually give 100gp for a review and write far fewer words. this deserves 5000gp and a 5star review. I will promote it whenever I can.
Final thought it was hard to read because it seemed to drift away from what "the task" is but yet always related to the task. Well done keep writing you impressed me. Hard to do.
You bring up real questions. At the end the character found the strength to be who they are.
Genuine, authentic, real ... are all terms used by people who demand we become what they think is genuine, authentic, real. I used to wear masks not to hide but so i was/am more comfortable with the people and situation i was in.
You can wear masks as long as you have the strength to be unhypocritical and mean what you say. Harder said than done. If you don't mean it don't say it and keep your mask on.
The words above were intended to show you I understood the words and meaning of the piece. At least in my own way.
Review
You drew the reader in from the beginning. Coward ( reader will groan ) strive to be ( hope and struggle drew them in ). After that you took them by the hand ( explained the way) through the journey of the character.
The last short sentence said it all. " I am not that " (strength of character ) you completed the message and thought .... while still leaving questions in the readers mind what is next.
I also liked the cry for help a lot of writers would have ended it with that but where you put it just carried the reader further down the path of the story. Well done.
I am giving a rare 4stars for a great ending. Also 400gp rather than my normal 100gp.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(10)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
Anyone with any self perception will recognize themselves in the piece.
To me it raises questions only the reader can answer. It appears the character recognized it is an endless struggle. Is it one worth the struggle? I think so but I am old and found peace in all the conflicting versions of my self perception.
Sequel??? conflicting versions of self. Just a thought.
You drew the reader in and kept them by making the reader ask themselves questions. You stuck to a theme/message. I like that in any writer.
It did feel incomplete but in my mind that wasn't the point ... it was about self perception (strength of character) and outside influences (beyond our control). And whether it matters.
Most will not get it. Maybe even call it self centered that is not how I read it. A lot of people and critics will not get it's intent was to make people question. I hope I got the intent of the piece.
The reason I only give 2.5 stars is that it felt incomplete and most people will not get it.
But most will see themselves in parts of it. Also it would make a better short story, novel, or movie/series because the character has depth.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(10)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
This was a timely piece that reminds us even though we are far away the support we give matters.
I will reread because it woke up thoughts about emotions. They can paralyze or motivate. Any trauma sometimes even minor trauma can envoke emotions even major trauma. There are two things to realize. They represent a moment in time and will comeback whether you want them too or not. 2 ... Once you realize they will go away you can deal with the trauma and what ever is front of you.
What you wrote would make a story & you should write it once the trauma is all done. I am a poet so I will write about the emotions in some sort of prose .. or .. you can.
Final note it was well written and invoked emotions.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(10)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
Good.
I feel writing.com is generally a safe place to learn not just about writing but about life and the diversity of people.
I pop in for a while every few years and share my writing and try to help others share thier voice,
So stay for a short time or stay for a long time. Every post means something even the ones I don't like (yours i like obviously). It means someone wrote something that mattered to them and most times it will matter to someone else at some time somewhere.
My point is enjoy, share and have fun here. I will.
It is good to hear why others enjoy this like I do.
I pop in and out no rhyme or reason to when I leave or show up. The fact I keep coming back means something.
it is like my home and the link below may explain that.
"Everyone is welcome"
Title is everyone is welcome. There is a catch but you will have to read to catch the catch. LOL
In any case well I say thankyou from just another part of this community,
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(9)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
OK not bad. it started out with hope for yourself and wnet down hill from there. not down hill from writing point of view the readers view.
You caught them by surprise. that is good. you ensnared the reader and the progression worked. Well done.
Only change is I would remove everything after ....
"Because the lie is livable the lie is easy the lie is mine"
That wraps it up. the rest is just venting.
It is your writing say what you want.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(9)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
Wow I am glad someone was able to present such a well thought out response to negative comments. It was presented with honesty and compassion.
If they think people here can be mean. I would like to introduce them to a few/several editors. LOL. Trying to be funny.
But thankyou for writing and posting. Well thought out. Well said. Well done.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(9)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
Wow a very powerful piece. I feel you will wake up a large audience to dali and the movie "Destino". Surrealism is hard to understand but you captured it well with your last line. Almost every line was magnificently descriptive and the entire piece flowed seamlessly drawing the reader in and leaving the reader wanting more from each line. I was never a fan of surrealism and have not seen "Destino" but I am inspired to watch destino in a darkened room. I think Pink Floyd used alot of surealistic art but I could be wrong. To me the aim of writing to say something that matters to someone somewhere. This piece will not only matter it will inspire.
Added thought ... You captured the body language wonderfully and in a timely manner. If this is not published get it published.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(7)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
PS i normally only add 100GP points to my reviews. This is so well done I giving 1000GP. Also 5 stars is almost never earned you earned it.
You captured the past/lost joy and desparation loss can create.
I will leave this up to you. To create an easier read put paragraph breaks to give the readder a chance to concentrate on the next thought being convey. You stuck to a theme and I like that. I am sure it was hard to write but it will be worth something to someone somewhere. Keep writing.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
Ok another thought provoking poem. I like that it ends with questions. The strength some humans have is a sense of adventure and the ability to face fears. so what you have written intrigues and challenges. Again the imagery was well done.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
Yes stuck to a single thought/theme, lots of imagery to stoke the imagination.
I have no faults with this writing it just lacks passion in my opinion.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
You stuck to one thought/theme. It progressed easily. The words and paragraph made it easy for the reader to concentrate. Well done.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
The title seems deceptive but I get it. It was well written it stuck to a theme and it progressed easily. The john doe reference is deceptive it envokes john deere references but does not distract from the story. The flow of the wording and paragraphs was well done. Overall a good story and some impressive writing. Keep writing.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
You kept to a single thought/theme well done. it progressed nicely. The presentation of it was very well done. I liked the font and graphic
"there was an afternoon,
where I felt loved,"
That did not seem to fit until I read the footnote. Most readers will not read the footnote. Other wise very well done..
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
I like writers who are able to stick with one thought/theme. I would suggest paragraph breaks to give the a chance to refocus and delve into the next part. It was a disturbing piece but well written.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
ok that was great you stuck to one thought. The line that sticks is "i thought I would have one by now".
just a thought paragraph breaks create a break for the reader and then they can concentrate on what comes next. I know where I would put the breaks/pauses but it is yours so think about it.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
It is a great story. You also stuck to a main thought. it progressed easily. The fact it is about our time in this space is endearing and we all need to hear stories about how we help each other. Thankyou for that.
I am glad you met him when you started. I recognize his personality type. Because I am the same personality type. I write when I can and help when I can. I disappear as well not because I don't care but there is always a limit to what I can do. With any luck he will be back one day if not what you and wrote will mean something to someone somewhere and to me that is important. That is why I write. When I feel I have done enough I will disappear for a few days, a month, or years.
Then someone will find me or need me. That is when I come back again. Very few will ever personally meet me but if my words matter to them they matter to me.
All I can say is keep writing. the writing bug probably won't let you stop anyway. Have stay safe it was a good story and it mattered to me.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
What I liked is you stayed to one message and each verse was a complete thought. A lot of people will agree with you but the writing has no passion,
I am gonna give a link to one of my poems on the same subject. Not trying to promote myself just trying to show you the difference. Passion motivates.
"By any means"
Your writing was well written just lacks passion or urgency.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
GrandpaJim
(6)
To New Writers Link "To a new writer"
For some of us just finding a doctor at all is impossible. I am old and have many problems and have been waiting many years to even see a doctor. Even one who does not give a s***. My problems are not going to get better and emergency rooms are not the answer. So be happy you have even a bad doctor hopefully it is better than none at all.
Just my two cents worth one cent after tax.
Write & write as often as you can.
It may mean something to someone somewhere.
Want to be published prepare to rewrite often.
Be happy what you wrote is out there in the universe.
Most important "HAVE FUN BE SAFE"
A thoughtful submission that envokes a the feelings that accompany loneliness and abandonment. Palestinians are not the only suffering wars and torment. Maybe devote this all who suffering the horrors of the various abuses around the world. War, domestic abuse, crime, unjust laws, natural disasters, hatred in any form.
I believe a living worth living includes a sense of adventure. Your sumbmission catches both the grand and simple adventures life has to offer. Thankyou
Water can be hard or soft depending on the presure put upon it. It can be soothing or extremely harsh. Even in non conformity we are reacting to the pressure put upon us. Nothing is pure not even purified water. unlike water we can choose not react but choose our own path despite the pressures put upon us. Just my two ceents worth. That being said it was well written and full of hope.
Thanks for sharing
Grandpa Jim
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/grandpajim
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 11:35pm on Nov 04, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "