We weren't there but, because you have graciously "painted" this image... we go there in whatever capacity we have as individuals to fathom such atrocities however necessary. Hmmmmm... I only pause here to reflect on what little EYE personally know of this historical conflict. I dig history, and yet, realize continually... I KNOW SO LITTLE...
This could be my life story... hehehe... literally.... I know... kinda pathetic, but... never-the-less... I can relate. It took a couple a reads or so, but then it hit me -- a ton a bricks -- yeah, I write this same stuff all the time. I wonder... are grasshoppers any better off? Than crickets? Probably not... hehehe...
All kidding aside... congrats on the contest and good fortunes to you continually in writing...
Well ... hehehehe... That first stanza truly hits home with me, J. Uhmmm... If there's anything that EYE (as in... me) can relate to, it's THIS. I mean... I'm laughing now... buuuuuuuuuut... that just was not the case ALL those years ago. Sooooo... yeah I can relate to whomsoever this true story belongs to.
Just seems a little flat, maybe, in that third stanza... or somethin....
Maybe, also, there could be a few more details included...
Lines nine and ten are (to me I suppose) the coolest in this piece. They just RING... I guess. The last two lines are also pretty cool as they leave the image to individual interpretation. I dig that.
Overall, however, I feel that this work is... I dunno... missing precious pieces of... something... Uhmmm, I don't even know what. AND, though I'm REALLY trying (in my mind), I can't expound. This very same thing happens to me all the time with works that I write but just can't quite bring etirely to fruition. I have YET to figure it out. Oh, well...
This is truly powerful right from the very start. I can see it. Quietly moving gently through hallowed ground. I have often wondered about this very thing myself and here it is in poetic form for me to read and contemplate. This offers a perspective that I don't (or didn't) have prior to this night.
Deeply moving...
I'm near to tears...
That's okay tho. Uhmmmm... I don't, however, understand the TWO periods after "die". I imagine that there is a particular reason for this but since I am usually far too simple, I don't get it. Somebody will have to explain it to me.
C' Mom... hehehe... I FINALY made it to your port. Time allowing, I will return to surf again. For now, however, suffice it to say... I'm not a veteran, a senior or a country music lover. Any other contest possibilities... mmmmmm... maybe? Oh well. Anyway, thank you for you.
Hehehe... that IS cool how he is falling off the top of the "cliff" (the first line of the poem) aaaaaaaaand... splatters at the final word of the last stanza. Sweating... lost and confused to distraction. This image is beautifully and skillfully placed. I truly did enjoy this read.
DEEP. Wow...
I suppose that the fourth stanza would have to be my favorite. The heart less invested in the way to the end is really groovy verbiage. I like it. As if I've become involved in this particular 'life in limbo', I feel it and desire to add my advice hoping to steer the individual toward the LIFE option, like, I knew them personally. You've brought this image out so clearly that I'm, like, RIGHT THERE. Like a counselor or a confiDANT.
Uhmmm... this piece kinda seems to have an irregular beat to it. I have this same problem with my work ALL the time. Something I've been working on rather dilligently in recent months. I don't think, however, that I have overcome. I dunno... somethin ta think about.
I like your ending tho.
Hehehe.. the skunk funk is a definite natural provision for defense.
Very cool! hehehe...
I really dig this James. It put a smile on my face too. Thank you for that. Uhmmm... I really like how you took the words from the first stanza and played with them in the last one. Everything in between is really groovy also and to top it off you give that final line "hit-the-nail-on-the-head" deal that makes ya think.
Write-on!
Wow... I really dig this piece. This is VERY cool. Good form too. Hehehehe... I think I wanna be like you when I grow up. :) Well... that might be a little over the top, but anyway... thank you, ridinghood, for this work. I hope you win the contest. in fact, I know not how you couldn't but win the precious points. hehehe. I must really be a mood here.
I like the last line of the first stanza... a lot. Cool word play, G. I notice in the second stanza, however, that you move from the plural "we/our" to the singular "you/your" and then back to plural for the rest of the poem. I am not certain if this was your intention and that it was meant to show something in particular to the reader... or not. I'm not sure that it should be so, but I may be wrong.
The last line in the third stanza is probably my least favorite in this piece. A flow thing... I guess.
I think I get it. hehehe. I'm just too simple sometimes, I guess.
I like the "[not]" part of the title. And yet, if I get this correctly, I cannot relate. I have never done this, but have had it done to me a few times or so. Uhhhh... I know that really should not figure into all this reviewing. But there really is not a whole lot about this that I like... sorry Belinda. Actually... this looks like a piece that may be more for YOU than for all... ya know. I did the same thing with some stuff years ago, and that was what I heard from some one about it (different subject matter) and yet they were right. I removed it from my portfolio and have been unable, to this day, to modify it properly for "readers" to view. It yet remains for me alone. I dunno... somethin ta think about.
I think I like the first three stanzas the most... minus the last three lines of the second. The fourth stanza kinda seems like a story and the last stanza is like a description of what the writer (you) is trying to put across and the 'distant illusion' appears again and kinda takes away from it's first appearence.
I like your work. I enjoyed this piece, fold. I love the first stanza. It really grabbed me. So simple and yet so deeply felt. Nice imagery.
Uhmmm... in stanza #15 the word go is plural. Was this intended, 'cause I can't quite gather in the meaning of the word play if it was. In #19 you do it again with "words" and "slips". It seems, to me, that one or the other of these should be singular. I dunno, fold, somthin ta think about, nothin major, that's for sure. And, let me reiterate, I really like this work.
Thank you, and I hope you win the contest.
greenpan
Sad and yet serene. Hmmmm... very nice and ending on an up-note. I really the obscurity of the first stanza and was kinda dissappointed, I guess, that it was lost as the work continued. Not that you should've continued it, it's your work and you've crafted what you intended. I suppose I would just have to say that the first stanza is my favorite and the second fits very nicely. I really like the last stanza as well!
Thank you, EMBE.
Wow, vicki, I think... hehehe... you choose some tough words. This could be what started your troubles for you. Loosely metaphorical in many ways and kinda' jumpin' around a bit. I take the 'spring' to be a new love and seemingly applied to a loose cannon kind of lover.
Fourth stanza; fourth line - cleave might be a better word than 'clasp', maybe? Then the 'heart exposed' - 'find the sky' - 'leaving starlight for the height of magic' -- Beautiful! Also the 'emerald sky' of the eyes is a wonderful image and strikes a speacial place in my own heart (green being my favorite color and green eyes a MOST PERFECT place for said color to be).
Write-On!
ps. I HAD to see your work after receiving the VERY GRACIOUS r&r you gave me for mine. Hey... we answered the challenge! I think we did it in fine style too. John's last challenge went unanswered by all BUT me (last month). It was nice to have someone else hangin' out there with me this time. hehehe. John said it-- "Fortune favors the bold!"
Beautiful! This is a very moving piece. When faith reaches out to 'touch and tame' I find that I am thankful.
'Chaos reigns in sleeping minds' is an excellent image. The third line is, I think, uhmmm... kinda' hard to get. Maybe some added punctuation or something... I'm not even sure.
You have a lot of very useful insights and information posted on this site that have helped me tremendously! So, I would like to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU, Viv! And I will continue to Writ-On, as I'm sure you will also.
Well, if I make of it 'what I will', I would have to say that it sounds like the end of the world. That, in some certain sense's would definitely be a cure!
This is a very deeply dark work. Ashes, blind and gladly benefiting... screaming... the dark elation... all very vivd!
If I was sure this was the poetic meaning, I wouldn't have any problem giving another half-point. Shoot... I probably should anyway.
I kinda' wish this piece had gone on a little longer to give me a better picture of the dreams to which your relating... even though I know what they are from my own life experiences. If your object were to leave the reader thirsting for more... than you have accomplished this in fine style.
Don't get me wrong though, Rain, I do like your poem... and it does bring up an emotional response.
Well, Tis, this definitely is whimsical and rather hard to follow. I get the impression that "soothsayer-me" must be some kind of witch that turned three friends or acquaintances into frogs. I really don't know what else to make of it. Very well written though, having light references to occultic things with an interplay to the present.
I like this piece. It's deep and gets you thinking deep thoughts of existence and the being of life. The leaves breaking through and feeding on the nutrients of the vines is really cool. Uncertainty... the weakness... ravaging the will! Yes! I also am nothing, I think I can totally relate to this work!
This is a powerful statement about an american culture nightmare. What ever happened to parenting? I can't seem to figure it out. My children turned out fine, even though thier Mother decided to be with someone else... for her own pleasure.
I hope that they don't let those 'remnants of pain' force them to try to live some lie or whatever. I think that was the most powerful part of your piece and I mean, for the sake of my beautiful children, to see to it that they can speak up and work through any pain so it won't be thing to 'force him to live'. Thier lives should be sooooooo much more than that!!!
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