Why I Am Reading This:
 You reviewed one of my pieces. I am reviewing you back.
Before Reading:
Come up with a title, even if it eventually changes. "Work in progress" doesn't really help capture a potential reader's attention.
For your brief description, you don't need the line "if you read, please review Your readers will choose this on their own. Adding this line in the brief description actually dissuades some people from even reading! (If you want, you can put "work in progress" as part of your brief description.)
 Great that you used the beginning of your brief description to tell a little about the story.
Great to see you chose a static item sub-type and three genres. This will help you get more exposure for your writings!
In a quick glance by scrolling to the bottom, I see that you can improve the set-up of this by using formatting. (This is the WritingML I mentioned in my email to you.)
During/After Reading:
In the first paragraph, you wrote She asked what else she needed to know, the water showed her. As this is actually two different thoughts, a semi-colon would work better than a comma.
A few lines down, you wrote Maybe she thought to herself maybe I can speed the process up. The actual thougts should be itallicized or in quotation marks. (Maybe; maybe I can .... up.)
 A few lines down from that, you wrote Using her right hand she took the dust off in a clockwise motion. Are these going to be important details? (right hand, circular motion) If not, I suggest removing this sentence. It doesn't really add interest.
Be sure to use an extra line in between paragraphs. It makes it easier to read.
I really like the last paragraph of your preface. While I really don't know what is going on, it intrigues me. Consider starting your story at this point (with a little re-wording to make it a better starting point) as this is more interesting than your current beginning.
In the first paragraph in the "Quinn" section, you sure use a lot of names! I hope the reader will be reminded as to who all of these characters are when they come up again later. (If any of these characters are not going to be in the story later, I suggest not writing about them here - as I said, lots of characters to be thrown at one time.)
In the third paragraph of that section, you write She was wearing a pair of jeans and a comfy sweatshirt, not odd for the earliest days of spring. She glanced outside with a look of longing and hope. I instantly understood what inspired her look. She missed the sun and the cool breeze of spring. It is a bit confusing: Is it spring or does she miss spring? Also, the phrase not odd for the earliest days of spring. can be removed from the story. It'll probably sound better without it.
That is, unless you are trying to say that it isn't odd for the early days of spring, but it IS odd for now. If that is the case, then end the phrase with something like ", but out of place for a day like today."
In the next section with the same character, you wrote Oh well, I guess I’ll just do my science homework, at least then my teacher will be in a good mood. The part after the last comma could be a new sentence.
A paragraph down, you wrote I searched my floor for the necessities, a shirt or two and some kind of pants.
After necessities, use a colon instead of a comma.
A little further down, you started a paragraph with With an exasperated sigh in audible to my mother inaudible should be one word.
You do have a good start here. You really pulled me into your character's thoughts and life.  Keep it up!
Let me know if you need more help with the things I pointed out or if you change anything - I will be happy to re-rate for you.
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If you change anything, let me know so I can re-read. 
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of 