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76
76
Review of Invisible Bond  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

A nice story, very descriptive. I am going to guess that English is not your native language? If not, a very nice job has been done.


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

h basketball, many remained seated in cement benches,

There is nothing really wrong with this, the reader gets the intent of the phrase. However, "...seated in cement..." sounds like and kind of give the image of the people sitting inside the cement. For me, and I am just one guy, ...seated on cement... shows the reader what is happening a bit more clearly, without having to stop and think about the phrase for a moment.

"Faisal, my boy, is all the arrangements done?”

I think the tense is incorrect here, the word "is" should be "are"

Phrases or bits I liked:

Fariha was one of those rare friends who left footprints in her heart.

I really like this line, the idea of footprints in the heart is really nice, well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Overall I like this piece, there are a few places where the grammar is somewhat awkward, but that can be fixed and will get better with familiarity with the language increases. Well done, good story, please keep at it.

Thanks for sharing.

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77
77
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is in response to your request at the "The Holding Pond" Open in new Window. [E]. Thanks for participating, please 'pay it forward' review a peers piece at "The Holding Pond" Open in new Window. [E].


Initial Impression:

Great opening line, entertaining.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Nothing really stuck out or made me do a double take. The language seems a bit much for a CPA, but then that would be the stereotypical CPA

Phrases or bits I liked:

So after I un-freeze,

This is just funny, very well placed humor I think.

Final Discussion/Impression:

An entertaining piece a lot of story in a few words well done. As I mentioned earlier, I am not sure the actions and language are in character with a CPA, but then heavy character development isn't a big part of this type flash fiction in my opinion.

Well done, keep at it.

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78
78
Review of Broken  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

Nice, direct and well done, a good story.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

But her teachers felt she lacked the true talent of playing professionally.

To me this sentence seems kind of off, or awkward. If 'of playing' were changed to to play or the final part of the sentence to ...of a professional. it would sound better to me. But I am just one guy. However, this is a very powerful line/paragraph illustrating the effect that teachers can have and probably not realize the sway they hold over a student. Very moving paragraph.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Ralph Debussy's

Nice.

She wasn't sure she could take the disappointment again.

This is a great line, simple and succinct. In this one line you have made her human. Excellent work, great.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I like this piece for a couple of different reasons, the use of Debussy is one, clever. I like doing that also. But mostly I like the message and the way you show with what ease a dream can be shattered. Then, in a way, the simple way it can be followed again, a decision and move that in reality is not at all simple. I think you have shown that well.

At the risk of being a sap, the final line is inspiring and heart warming. Good work, keep at it.

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79
79
Review of The Lonely Tree  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a 'One Shot Shower' whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It's a cool group so I left this part in. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

I like it overall, but things were cruising along pretty well and I hit a glitch.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

the trying times that kept coming

This line stopped me cold. The third line in the ninth stanza slowed me down but when I got to this line it sort of really stopped the rhythm that was going.

I don't think it is necessarily a bad line, but for me it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece. I think it is too long. For me it would be just as effective a line and maybe more so if the "...that kept coming", were left off. Just me though.

Phrases or bits I liked:

He envies the bird
nearby as it sings

This and the third stanza really set a strong tone for this piece. I think it really gives this piece direction. Well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

As mentioned I like this and it is a strong piece, I see why the girl is introduced and the role played, but I am not really convinced of a two way relationship in this piece. I think(?) this is what is intended, but I missed the human sided of the friendship.

I think this piece starts and finishes strong, the middle seems a bit weak though to me. The last stanza is absolutely killer though, very well done. I would encourage you to work on the middle part because there is definitely a good poem going here. Nice job.

Keep at it.

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80
80
Review of Hunting Spirits  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a 'One Shot Shower' whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. It's a cool group so I left this part in. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

I like this, I am guessing by the bold words it was/is for a contest.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

pleas of forgiveness come much too late.

This bit kind of loses me. I am not sure why someone, the guest(?), is asking for forgiveness.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Witches and vampires crave new flesh; feel their breath upon your skin.
Move quickly, the lights grow dim! This house is picturesque of morbid sin.

This is a great stanza, morbid sin, great combination, I really like it.

I also really like the second stanza. The last line is great, ignore your brain. Just like the population in general.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I like this poem, it is pretty creepy when you think about. Of course now I am going to have nightmares and it is all your fault.

Good work, keep at it.


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81
Review of Re-membering  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

This is so sick it is hilarious

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Nothing, it's all good.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Oh well, a mind IS a terrible thing to waste

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is just funny, the first line kinda makes a guy go, "Yikes, where the heck are we going?' At the third line I said, 'Oh man,' and chuckled in-spite of myself. At the last line I just started laughing and trying to say 'Yes!'

Very good, kinda like a train wreck. Super job. Keep at it.

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82
82
Review of Pond Panic  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This item is being reviewed because you were the big winner in the Birthday Auction thing, Well maybe not the big winner but you are stuck with some reviews by me.center}

Initial Impression:


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

There are not any parts in particular that stick out too me as being hard to follow. The opening line however doesn't really do much to grab me and pull me in the way most of the other pieces by the author have. I am not sure if it because the opening is both a personal statement and question/commentary.


Phrases or bits I liked:

It may not be the greatest story ever told, but it’s mine.

This is what this is all about I think, not just this story but writing and life in general. It's the author's and the author's alone. This line alone is worth reading this story.


Final Discussion/Impression:

Again, I like this story, it is simple, direct, and honest. An appreciation for family and tradition is shown, values that are all to often scoffed at today.

Well done, keep at it.
83
83
Review of Voodoo Madness  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This item is being reviewed because you were the big winner in the Birthday Auction thing, Well maybe not the big winner but you are stuck with some reviews by me.center}

Initial Impression:
This is fun, but there is more to it than that, even after reading it only once I feel some, not anger or despair, but some...not malice either, not sure what maybe I'll get after reading it a couple more times.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

White magic at my fingertips,
from my spoon to victim’s lips

Clearly there is nothing wrong with these line the rhythm and rhyme is great. What I don't get is the white magic part? Good, evil? did I miss something somewhere later? Because the poem leaves me with a feeling of revenge through black magic and I am under the impression (note I could be way wrong here and I am sure you will tell me if I am) that white magic is the good magic, nice witches and stuff?

Phrases or bits I liked:

So many, it is hard to choose.
All of you deserve to lose.

This is just a cool couple of lines, again the rhythm and rhyme is good, but the sentiment is right on, I really like it.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a great poem, fun and scary, the way it just rolls of the tongue is great. When I read it the pace seems to just get quicker and quicker.

What I really like is the subtle expression of 'wishing' that I feel in it. There seems to almost be an undercurrent of desire for the power to make this happen. Amazingly done I think. Keep at it.
84
84
Review of Spinster ch2  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. Actually you are not getting the whole treatment, just one from me, but it is a cool group. So enjoy your short shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

At the end I wanted to turn the page to see what comes next, good job there.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I didn’t like a lot of clutter, at least not in my kitchen.

This struck me as in the wrong tense, I think in general there is a present tense feel going at this point?

...kitchen from the dining room, and was covered with homemade soap that was setting.

I don't get what setting means here, is it a decorating term or something likewise that a vulgar ogre doesn't know much about?

We had been talking at work for a couple of weeks.

There really isn't anything wrong with this paragraph, it is informative and there is a lot of information and background packed into it, which is good. The difficulty is that it seems kind of dry.

I am probably not your target audience here, but there were a lot of it's in here and I kinda got confused as to what some of them meant or were referring to (remember, I am just one guy and slow at that). the discussion regarding dating and the two women's differing views on the uses of men went to fast I think (upon further thought), there is more to explore and clarify regarding those thoughts. I think that is what makes it seem dry, the subject is quickly mentioned and then bam, we are on to something else.

Also there is a line in there that implies the main character is not a heterosexual, yet the rest of the piece doesn't reflect that. Of course I might have missed something, again.

Phrases or bits I liked:

That and the noise of the grinder finished the job of waking me up.

I liked this line, definitely worth a smile and a chuckle, well done.

She was about 8 years old and had finally calmed down after acting like a puppy for years.

Only eight years for a lab? Thats not fair.


The ending of this chapter is very good I think, If I were laying in bed reading at 2 am I would have to read the next chapter no matter what I hap previously promised myself.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This was pretty good, I am not sure it was as smoothly written as the first chapter, but I think the story is much better here and although not fully developed there is way more to it.

The phone discussion, flirting, date asking, whatever you call it, sort of made me say "Oh brother". The conversation (I have been married 30 years next Wednesday so realize I am way out of it, and I was never any good at the whole asking a girl out to begin with) did not seem alive enough to me, surprise by her wasn't expressed until later and there really wasn't much of an idea if this guy is a smooth talker or if he is nervous or what. I know why you did the call waiting thing, but at that point even I (social graces of an ogre remember) said, "This guy is a dolt."

Okay, by now I am sure you hate my green guts, but it really isn't as bad as I seem to have made it sound. It is now a book I am going to continue because there is clearly a crisis coming and romance in the wings, although I don't know which, if either will take main stage.

I think with a little bit of work you have a winner here. If I am not mistaken this is your first foray into fiction? In my opinion it is pretty good for a beginning, and I want to read the next chapter, for the science and the romance. I say keep going, good work.

Keep at it.

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85
85
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., actually this one is just from me, but it's a cool group. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:
Good idea, great development. I think there are a lot of places you could take this. In places it seemed kind of, set or stilted, but for a younger reader it is probably just right.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Thinking this was some sort of ritual the two had concocted she played along in hopes of getting to bed as soon as possible. The three slowly touched the sand together looking from one another to the box. Nothing happened. The sand felt just like sand.

There is really noting wrong here, it just isn't the way I'd have done it, unless, there was more to come(like chapters) and the mom eventually experiences what is happening. This is part of what I meant by different places to go with this.

filled with amazement and awe

gasped in amazement at the

I am not sure how many times amazement was used in this piece, it could be just these two, but it seemed like a lot more by the time I finished. It could just be me, or there maybe a lot of usagfe of the word.


Phrases or bits I liked:

She listened as mothers often do, with love but not comprehension of the magnitude of a child’s creation.

What a bittersweet, poignant line. Beautiful but almost painful to comprehend. Most excellent.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I liked this, in a way it is childlike, but I would not call it simple, perhaps it is simply told? But, that is not a bad thing if it is.

For me, there are tons of places you could take this story. Clearly the magic between grandfather and grandson is key here. In my opinion (and it is only my opinion so it pretty much means squat) the mom should get to see what happens and perhaps experience it also, that would get deeper into the sci-fi realm.

As it is, I like it, it is a unique idea that can stand as is or has possibilities of going other places.

Good work and keep at it I say.

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86
86
Review of Spinsters ch 1  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:
Hmmnn. There is something in there.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The only reaction I’d ever heard to all of this was a single comment about 5 years ago when I overheard her say, “Well, hell! He could at least have left me a tip.”

For some reason I find this line kinda hard to read/follow, I don't know if it is the 'I', 'all', 'I'd' combination or maybe the single comment. Something made me slow down and go back.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Besides, whoever heard of a spinster named Julie. Julia, maybe, but Julie?
Good point.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I think there is something in here, but you haven't quite found it yet. I am not sure what it is though. The characters are introduced okay I think, and the story is almost there. I have to admit that the ending kinda leaves me, I dont feel compelled to turn the page and rip into chapter two, although I suspect I am not your target audience either.

At times the dialog seems a bit 'stiff', but I don't think it is beyond your ability to do a good job of it.

I'd say keep going with it, you are doing it for you right? I think with some practice and editing it'll be quite good.

So I say keep at it.

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87
87
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

I was sucked in by the title, a guy should know better than to even think that let alone voice it. Okay, maybe from a female point of view this is funny.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

We refer to this call phone call as the...

I think there is an extra something or other in here somewhere.

won't do anything. (Lucky wenches!) Next...

I am not the grammar police by a long shot, but I am pretty sure (note that is not 100%) that the period goes at the end of the parenthesis.

The other one said one of the new gadgets they had installed during the redo was a wall-vac.

There is a great line in this somewhere, the beginning was very awkward for me and I have a difficult time with it still.


Phrases or bits I liked:

Now, Bette and I have accepted this for years. We each have our respective well-seasoned staff of fix-it people on call.

Oh, that is cold, so cold, funny, but so cold.

I'm not sure, but I believe I saw Charlie puff out his chest a bit...

You aren't sure? Have you not been paying attention all these years? As a husband of ill repute I take offense to this clear lack of attention to detail.

Final Discussion/Impression:
This is dang funny, very good. Do you know my wife by any chance? Never mind. This was one laugh after another, if it were not for the few awkward spots and such I would have rated it a five.

It actually seems quite logical to me baseball and a good adult beverage, of course they were distracted, what do you expect? Just out of curiosity, why do you suppose that parking spot was empty on such a crowded evening?

Most funny, keep at it.

P.S. you never did tell him about the birds did you? Coward.

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88
88
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
a harrowing story, ignorance and redemption.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The realization that he saved my life from the monster that is attacking us now can only be explained as one of those moments a parent realizes the extent in which your life changes the second you bring another person into this world.
I am in no way or manner challenging the grammar police here. For me (and remember, I am a dullard), this was a very awkward sentence, I had to read it two or three times to make sure I understood what was being said. Probably just me.

The guttural screams of the tornado echos in our ears, and yet my son sleeps. My silent tears drip unto his perfect face as my body shakes in fear and from nature’s fury.
Two things here maybe, should both 'screams' and 'echoes' be plural here?

The other could be a typo or it could be that whole dullard thing again, is unto supposed to be onto, or am I missing something?


Phrases or bits I liked:

A rough, calloused hand encircles mine for the first time I can remember since childhood. I finally dare to look at my father. He is crying; this is something I have only seen him do when he watches “Where the Red Fern Grows.” I, shamefully, am at a loss of how to comfort him.

These are a great couple of lines, very illustrative of a father, there is aton more said in this paragraph than the words written.

Final Discussion/Impression:
For sure a strong piece of work, the balance struck between young arrogance and sudden maturity is well illustrated and realized.

Keep at it.
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89
Review of Dancers Never Die  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Initial Impression:
My first time through this I found it stunning, heart wrenching and joyous. Excellent job.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Stand out bits:

Now I watch her aging body leaping with grace,
knowing forever her lost dreams she will chase.

If were to be forced to choose a favorite stanza, it might be this one. To me it speaks of the heartbreak and longing of the aging dancer, and even more strongly of the heartbreak and pain of the observer for his love.

But then the seventh and the last stanza are outstanding also, for the pure emotion expressed the realization of change and the adaption to it.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Man, this is a very strong poem I think, the raw emotion is powerful, overpowering even, the love, pain and joy of the observer so clearly communicated here. for me a good poem is one that I will come back and read again and again, this is for sure a poem I will reread often, each time being overpowered by the strength of the emotion.

Keep at it.
90
90
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Okay I gave you the whole spiel that time because I figure there is no way I am getting out of this without offending somebody.

This piece has the sound and feel of a bit of a rant, and I am not sure a rant can be rated/reviewed, it certainly isn't a fair thing to do but what the heck.

I must say I agree wholeheartedly with your view of the 50/50 thing, unfortunately, I also disagree vehemently with your following 80/20 and so forth statements. I am going to write my views and post them, not that anybody cares, just because I can.

I must say, however, your writing is quite good even when impassioned.
91
91
Review of Buried Alive  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
aralls, I knew if I rummaged around in your port long enough I would come across something like this.


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Final Discussion/Impression:
So just what is 'something like this'?

Well, I am glad you asked. It's well written, flows well, still leaves a bit of mystery at the end and it is odd. And kinda creepy, did I mention that? You have done a good job, I think, of portraying the slightly off kilter gardener and the lengths a gardener will go to for a prize winning chrysanthemum. All in less than 500 words, good work.

Keep at it.
92
92
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
Refreshing, this is a refreshing story.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Saturday I arrived early and my ma had a wonderful breakfast for us.
Is it just me or does it sound like he is arriving at his ma's house for breakfast? Or does he not live with her?

...me but as a teacher of lives most important...
I think maybe 'lives' should be 'lifes', maybe? I am not really sure.


Phrases or bits I liked:

I was beginning to feel somewhat humiliated,
This is a great line, hopefully this happens to most young guys and they realize it. a couple of 'old' guys outworking them, wonderful.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Good story, the format is unique and very appropriate. Good work.

Keep at it.
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Review of Majesty  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
Interesting, the ending took me by surprise, well done with that.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:
The word 'jealousy' was used a couple of times in here and I didn't understand why, even after the ending I am not sure I get that part of this. I am known to be a bit on the dim side though.

After all, all the trees seemed to look alike this time of year.
Even though they're separated by a comma the second 'all' is kinda a hitch in this sentence for me.

I had to be in an entirely different world, dimension, universe. Nothing like this had ever existed where I came from.
There is nothing really wrong with this, the first time through the story it seems to make sense and adds to the tension which is already pretty thick.

The second time through, the tension is not so high and this sticks out for a different reason. For some reason reconciling the different reasons is difficult, granted the viewpoint is greatly changed and on further reflection the differences not as great as first thought, so why does it stick out? After a few minutes reflection I think it is the relative effectiveness of the anthropomorphic characterization or sympathies raised by the character. Interesting.

Phrases or bits I liked:

...I felt as if the heavens must be crying for me.
That is a powerful line/thought, it is going to stick with me for a bit, I really like it. I think it digs deep into emotion, most excellent.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Is terror an emotion? just curious.

This is an interesting piece, every time I read it, for some reason though it seems to sort of just, lighten up, I guess, in a few places after the first time through. I don't know if it has to do with the characterization and identity that is felt as a reader and then so dramatically switched at the the end or if it is an actual flaw in the logic or flow. I sort of suspect it is some of both. I am not sure about the statement:

I had to be in an entirely different world, dimension, universe. Nothing like this had ever existed where I came from.

That is a bold statement in the context of this story, not bad, just bold. I am not sure how well it fits though, first or third time through. Of course that could be my anthropocentric viewpoint?

This was a different read, and for that reason alone I like it, by the end it is very thought provoking, especially the second and third times through, and for that reason I like it. There should be more thought provoking stuff around, I think, as misguided as I am.

Good job, keep at it.
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94
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You know the whole spiel, no offense is intended ands these are just my thoughts, one guy that is not even remotely a poet.

This is a real tear jerker. the second line of the sixth stanza is one of the most heart wrenching I think I have ever come across. A four year old innocence is very well portrayed in this piece, as is na four year old wisdom. The fourth stanza does an excellent job of showing the young imagination and love of a four year old and the cold emotion and warm pain of a mother.

Very impressive, I think. /i will be back to read this poignant piec e again.
95
95
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
Well done, a very good story of recognition, family, and passing the torch.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The piece flows very well and progresses logically, there were no particular parts that were hard to follow or confusing (well done being a simple guy I tend to get confused easily). (Wait, that isn't meant to imply this is a simple story, because it isn't, it works on a couple of levels.)

If I were to have a criticism, and I suppose I do (crushing mind you), it would be that out of six boys and then adolescent boys, not one knew the vehicle ran? I find that a touch on the other side of believable. I realize it wouldn't fit as well towards the end, and I don't know the actual statistics (but I would bet, and I am not a betting man), that more than one in six adolescent males in the US are very into automobiles. The point being one of them would have sought out that information, and if one knew they all would have known? At least that is my opinion, and I am not particularly well informed regarding automobiles.


Phrases or bits I liked:

Not one of us was embarrassed by the tears that silently flowed down our cheeks as we carried the man who had taught us the importance of respect, imagination, and family to his final resting place
Very moving, very touching. Good men, that at a young age have learned more than a lot of men ever learn. My favorite line, it describes the family.

Sometimes I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling them they aren’t playing it right
This is funny and telling, a very dad thing, excellent insight and description. It took me three paragraphs to say this, and I still didn't do it this well, in one of my stories.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Pretty good story, a good description of going to Mema and Papa's and learning family, on that level it works well. It also works well showing the growth of a single boy into an adult and a father in his own right.

There is a part or two that I might have said were a touch overboard, but on further thought I think those are just differences in style, they wouldn't keep me from picking up another story by the same author and reading it (that is a big compliment by the way, just in case you didn't know).

Well done, keep at it.
96
96
Review of Our Family Secret  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is in response to your Flash Fiction Challenge at the "The Holding Pond" Open in new Window. [E]. Thanks for participating, please 'pay it forward' review a peers piece at "The Holding Pond" Open in new Window. [E].


Initial Impression:
Pretty funny, a couple of very funny lines.At times this feels a bit formal though.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Now, I am not the brightest guy around, and I enjoy picking a good fight, but even I know better then to take on the grammar police.

I will say that at times this feels very formal for a shared secret. The comedy is good, if I were writing this though I would say ... would play mutt, mute, play mute. to me that seems a bit funnier, but that may not fit with the style through the rest of the piece now that I think about it.


Phrases or bits I liked:

They could kiss his hairy hindquarters,
For some unknown reason, this is my kind of line, very good.

After much hounding by Joe
Beautiful, I laughed out loud (sorry I am not cool enough for that lol stuff).

Final Discussion/Impression:
Pretty funny and a great run with the prompt. An effective introduction that kept me reading, and wanting to read, not always an easy thing. Good job, keep at it.
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97
Review of Character Sketch  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Initial Impression:
I like the straightforward simple style in which this is written, I think it is very effective.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Allen loved baseball but really was that good
I may have an idea what the author is trying to say here, maybe, but I am not at all sure. This is a very awkward sentence to read.

Allen never really like that because his asthma may him incapable of playing with his friends
I think like should be liked and may should be made, that makes the sentence read a bit more conventional.

There are quite a few places where grammar tenses are confused or mixed, this makes the piece difficult to understand and harder to read, it really detracts from the style. Also there are a few things I don't get, usually preemies are small, at least at the beginning, scrawny usually implies small, perhaps wiry would be better used here instead of scrawny?

One more thing, I don't think a coach would say that to a tall kid no matter how skinny he was. Remember these are just my opinions and may be full of baloney.


Final Discussion/Impression:
Despite all the typos, missed capitalizations
, and tense agreement problems I like the straight forward, no frills style of this, it's refreshing. Unfortunately it is tough to get past some of the logic and the typos, for that reason I rated this pretty low. I think there is plenty of potential here and some time spent editing would be time well invested. Keep at it.
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Review of The Voices Won  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


I do the same thing, or have done the same thing in many of my poems as far as not capitalizing names and sentences, or leaving punctuation entirely out. I this case capitlizing names or titles in certain instance might heighten the impact of the piece.

the wrong thing to say, logical thoughts masking emotional tears

Excellent line, excellent observation, way too close to reality.

Well done.
99
99
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This review is in response to your July Writing Exercises at the "The Holding Pond" Open in new Window. [E]. Thanks for participating, please 'pay it forward' review a peers piece at "The Holding Pond" Open in new Window. [E].


Initial Impression:
Oh man, this is great, if you can say that with a straight face, wonderful solution. I need you to teach me how to do that, I can't lie for crap. I don't have time to review this right now, but I am going to do it anyway, the knuckleheads at work can wait.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I had to give her credit; she had made it an hour and fifteen minutes since I walked through the door for spring break before prying into my personal life
This is my only real criticism, and this part fits the piece very nice so it makes the criticism kinda, well very, weak. If mom is paying tuition she is entitled to pry a bit. Of course this could just be my own little personal prejudice since there is a certain university both my attend that has more of my money than I do.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I could grab the fork and stab myself in the eye, creating a diversion.
Now that is a diversion, but alas, you are most likely correct on the outcome.

Final Discussion/Impression:
There were/are several more parts that I think are especially good here but time restricts me from mentioning them all. This is a wonderful, sane, respect saving lie.

It is also a strongly written piece, few words, vivid pictures painted, solid emotion portrayed, very impressive actually. There is nowhere I can see to improve it. Not only all that is funny, really funny. A well earned and a well deserved 5. Most excellent, keep at it.
100
100
Review of My Bathtub  Open in new Window.
Review by hbar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is in response to your "July Writing Excerises" at the "The Holding Pond" Open in new Window. [E]. Thanks for participating, please 'pay it forward' review a peers piece at "The Holding Pond" Open in new Window. [E].


Initial Impression:
I thought it started a bit slow and mundane, but, then, wham, holy smokes, lightning bolts from heaven, I get it.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

It not only revitalizes my exhausted body at the end of the day by allowing me to cleanse and pamper myself in it with scented, popping bubbles, but it refreshes the inside of me also.
for some reason this sentence seems awkward to me, I think it might be the ..and pamper myself in it with scented, popping..., I am not really sure. what I want to say about this though is that I would really like to hear how water refreshes the inside of you also. I think (remember I am just one chucklehead though) that this would go far towards explaining the affinity for/with water.

Phrases or bits I liked:

The nerves of my body seem awaken to a new level. Is this the water, my imagination, or my sudden appreciation?
I was thinking this, or something very similar anyway that will be in my essay regarding water. You nailed it with these lines, for me anyway.

Final Discussion/Impression:
This finishes very strong in my opinion, and the one line carries everything else, which to me means it is a pretty good line. Good job. Keep at it.
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