hbar's (hbar) Reviews

hbar

Review Requests: OFF

601 Public Reviews Given

793 Total Reviews Given

101

Only reviews from the past
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#2815713

Review of For Fun

Review by hbar

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Well I got to the bottom and laughed, well done.

102

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#2775368

Review of Golden Memories

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This review is for the May Flash Fiction deal at the "The Holding Pond"

[E]. Thanks for participating.

Initial Impression:
An interesting look at the memories of a young woman. It is a bit awkward at times but I am guessing that is more learning 'American' than a lack of ability or anything.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

'Pierre..oh god, how do you know I was coming?'
I think perhaps you have some mixed tenses in this sentence, it is difficult to read as it is now, perhaps changing 'do' to did would make it a bit easier on the reader.

It was just her mother's expertise in cooking that inspired her to be one of the top chefs in the world.
I am not sure that there is technically anything wrong with this line, but it was very difficult reading for me, this part; inspired her to be one of, confused me. The way it reads makes me think the author is referring to Helen's mom, later it becomes evident that Helen is the her. I read that sentence a couple of time before I continued with thew story. Kind of distracting to me.

Phrases or bits I liked:

She realized how badly she missed her parents.
I like this sentence for the simple realization and emotion portrayed, all of the sudden she remembers how she misses them, very pointed. Well done I think.

Final Discussion/Impression:
After reading this and then author's port comment, I think many of the awkward structures and the way some of the scenes are played is due to the author learning English, and nothing else.

The flow of the piece works and there is a logical progression from one subject to the next in most cases, so I think the basic skills and desire are in place, now it is struggling with a new language. The reason I went with a 3.5 instead of a 4 was because of the frequency that I had to stop and reread a sentence or paragraph the first time through this piece.

I think the idea for this piece is very good, creative and different from the other pieces so far, very nice and refreshing. I would most certainly encourage you to continue writing.

103

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#2747101

Review of A Family Lost

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Initial Impression:
Very emotional piece. I need to let it sit for a moment and read it again. Initial rating 3.0

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

"Dad, I want two eggs and two pieces of toast today." Jesse rarely asked for what he wanted - it just never occurred to him that he might not get it.
This could just be me, but I am not sure I follow what the meaning here, the addition of just in this passage is confusing to me, if the kid rarely asks, either he doesn't need to ask he normally gets what he needs, or he is unsure of the answer. Something about this particular passage doesn't settle right with me. I wish I could be a bit more helpful here.

Janie saw Sean racing over to the officer. She was scanning the kids who were sitting on dry ground. Some were walking around, but not going very far from the others.
There is nothing really wrong with this, except perhaps some tense problems, if it were me writing this (and it isn't) I would have done something like;
Janie watched Sean race to the officer, then scanned the kids on dry ground. Most were sitting together, few were walking around, but not far from the others
Not really any better just different, but it makes the saw and the scanning agree.

Phrases or bits I liked:

As they pulled slowly around the curve, the whole scene opened up.
Descriptive, terrifying sentence for a parent, it might have a bit more punch without whole, that seems like an extra unneeded word to me in this case.

"Oh, honey, it's not so bad. I love to put socks on your pretty feet!"
This is a nice sentence, it sets the tone for their relationship quickly and effectively, very nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:
This is a pretty terrifying story for a parent and spouse. The story itself is good and it progresses logically and well. In places I think perhaps a word or two could be eliminated to tighten it up some, but that could just be a difference writing styles.

All in all a good story that has more potential than I think it shows at the moment, I would most definitely encourage you to perhaps let it sit for a bit and then comeback and edit it if you feel it needs it.

I liked this piece, initially I rated it a 3 but after looking at it a bit more and thinking about it I am bumping it up to a 4, I think some of the parts that I initially didn't care for are more differences in style than anything else, and that is just my taste. So well done and keep at it.

104

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#2746318

Review of The Barman and the Barfly

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Initial Impression:
Good ending, worth the read.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

He was a prince of the pumps and overseer of the optics, Lord of all he surveyed. Which was, at this early hour of a Wednesday, an empty room. He surveys it again to be sure.
This is good but I wonder about the second 'survey', something in there strikes me as awkward.

Phrases or bits I liked:

One of calm and stillness before, with infinite poise and grace John moves to the vertical with a thump that shakes the neat row of polished glasses.
'infinite pois and grace', beautiful imagery. But, I think maybe he is going to the horizontal? Vertical doesn't make sense to me?

A solid, reliable name for a solid reliable man.
This is a great sentence I think, it makes for a great opening and at least engages me immediately.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Overall I liked this, the ending made up for the middle portion that seemed to go a bit slow, drag on a bit. For the most part however I think it is pretty well written, nice word usage and structure.

I would certainly encourage you to keep writing as there seems to be a lot of potential in this piece. Well done

105

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14 days may be credited.

#2739182

Review of Irritating Sayings

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

The one that gets to me the most is, 'when one door closes another opens.'

Not really irritating I guess, just pretty dang presumptious of the speaker, like most of the others. Very condescending, guess that is why I like people so much. Speak without thought.

106

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2739173

Review of Sea Runner

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Man they better not show up in my local tavern, what a disaster!

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

This was pretty illuminating, was it written to a prompt? Or, is it one of those things that just comes? Either way it is an impressive pice of knowledge and writing. They don't turn good ale into water do they? Because that would be a very bad thing.

Best line: A sea runner will become irate because of a shift in the wind, even when there is no wind.{c}
Kinda sounds like a sailor?

I liked this, it was creative and hard, yet whimsical. Very entertaining and fun to read.

I would liked to have learned more about skin changers and Sea runners neither walk nor run on water parts.

Not much wasted here in the way of words, nothing extra to distract the reader. Well done I think.

107

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#2720682

Review of I Can Wrestle My Dad

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Initial Impression:
This is great, this is what dads do, you have nailed it.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I read this several more times just because it is fun, this is a dang fun and funny piece, very impressive.

With me there should never be messin'.
The perfect five year old line, the way they think when on the prowl, well done.

The very first line of this piece seems sort of out of place, only because it doesn't have quite the action and/or impact of the remainder of the piece. Maybe something like:

....afraid of me
Or
...no longer free

Just a couple of poor suggestions, I don't know?

The second stanza is perfect. I can't impress on you how much I like this piece, the rhythm and flow and especially the sentiment, excellent.

108

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14 days may be credited.

#2717448

Review of Designated "Weirdo"

Review by hbar

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Initial Impression:
I kind of like this piece, the title is what drew me to it.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Second stanza third line, I think maybe Its, should be It's?

Always lost within the crowd,
A good line I think, somewhat common and often misused I think, but it goes very well here and the material following gives it some poignancy. Well done.

The first stanza is very engaging, it immediately grabs the reader and brings him/her directly to the narrator. Although if it were me writing this and it isn't I don't think I would put the weirdo in quotation marks. Just me.

Its like being the alien that no one can understand,
I like this line it's placement, the sentiment, the illustration and the image invoked. I think perhaps it would have a bit more punch if the 'like' were removed. If I were writing this, and I am not, I would be very tempted to remove the 'like'.

The last stanza is good, and the final two lines very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I like this, even though I complimented the first stanza, which I do like, it seems somewhat out of balance after going back and reading this poem a couple more times. I might be tempted to break the last line into two lines with the break between weirdo and no one, just me.

This is well done and flows well I think, short and poignant, very nice, Keep at it.

109

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14 days may be credited.

#2712830

Review of Can i...Be Near You?

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

I like this piece and the way it flows, being not a goth guy some of the images are unusual but very effective and powerful I think. You have expressed the deep desire very well.

If I had to remark negatively about something here it would be the non-capitlization of i in this. I do the same thing in a lot of my poetry, and I think you are probably doing it here for the same reason I do in mine. The problem is people don't get it, at least the people that have looked at my stuff and they find it very distracting. In a sense I can see that after reading this, it was somewhat distracting, even though I knew, I think, what was going on. It could be more noticable because you is capitlized, I think that is kind of powerful though, I like it.

I think it is a nice piece of work, I like the flow and I really like the sentiment, it's unique I think. For sure keep writing I thnk, well done.

110

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#2698686

Review of End of ORION

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

A good use of a tough prompt/set of words I think.

Surly this was a mistake.

I think maybe surly should be surely?

I think it's kind of good story that almost begs for continuation, it would be interesting to see the final crossing of Jamison Knight.

Good job, keep at it.

111

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#2692949

Review of Night and Day

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Your poetry is so expressive, so straightforward, yet there seems to be a tremendous and strong, moving undercurrent.

I don't think it's work that can be read once and then walked away from. It needs to ferment for a day, week, or month and then come back to and read again. Very well done.

112

Only reviews from the past
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#2692306

Review of Forgiveness

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

My first time through this piece I kind of like it, but I start wondering at the last stanza I think it was.

I guess maybe it is the last two or three stanzas.

Leaning back against
the trunk of an Ancient,
feeling his heart was forgiving.

A very engaging beginning, the image and emotion brought forth with this stanza is good and pretty strong I think. As the piece progresses I lose the feeling and image however. I can see where considering where the piece goes that may be what is supposed to happen, in which case an excellent job I think.

I am not sure that I like the way that happens though, please note this is just me, one lonely hack. I am not sure what I expected or what I would like to see. Perhaps, and most likely, something very similar but a bit more subtle possibly.

Overall a good piece however and it certainly can't be faulted on form or rhythm which I found very nice. I would certainly encourage you to keep up the good work.

113

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14 days may be credited.

#2692283

Review of Flight of Freedom

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Initial Impression:
How cool is this piece! Very good I think

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Time was irrelevant; the past and the future ceased to exist. The heady perfume of thalassic air intoxicated me
Okay, I had to look thalassic up, and I am an ocean kinda guy.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Time was irrelevant; the past and the future ceased to exist. The heady perfume of thalassic air intoxicated me
Once I determined what thalassic is I liked these lines even more. Especially the time part, well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I didn't fully comprehend the situation until I read the last couple of lines again and slowly, but know I fully get it and it makes this piece all the more exhilarating. Very well done

114

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14 days may be credited.

#2692271

Review of Reunion

Review by hbar

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Initial Impression:
A moving piece and very well written for a rough draft.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:
I think I followed most of this, it is fairly straight forward, although I would like to know who the woman was with the man. If a relationship is there I did not catch it even though she called him 'daddy'. I could be slow and wanting something explicit instead of implicit.

Phrases or bits I liked:

wriggled and scooted, pushing Johnny over, until Mikey’s butt had controlling interest in the beanbag chair
This is just a good line, it's what brothers do.

Adorning the salmon painted cinder-block walls of this man’s corner of the room was a tapestry of photographs, greeting cards, children’s refrigerator artwork. Furniture that was clearly his own flanked the bed; knick-knacks and personal items lined the shelves. It was a nearly successful attempt to turn this sterile box into something of a home.
Very powerful, very descriptive passage.

Final Discussion/Impression:
In my opinion this is a very powerful piece of writing, the subject matter is depressing but the closing passages are... are, I am not sure what I am searching for here, they are poignant in the expression of life I suppose. Kinda' heavy stuff summed up in a very few lines, very well done I think.

I would say keep up the good work.

115

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#2691578

Review of Over The Edge

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Hey wait wait a minute this is kinda creepy. Actually, it's really creepy. Good job!

I had to reread the third line several times to make sure I understood what was happening and who was going where, a hard to follow line I think, but eventually I got it (I'm kinda slow though so...)

Killer fourth and fifth lines, excellent tale in 55 words.

116

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#2680511

Review of Awakening

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

After my initial reading I find this an attractive piece of work.

After reading it a couple more times:

He did not go to sleep,
he awakened.

This is a good use of words in my opinion, the contrast is subtley very strong, and the emotion evoked very interesting.

The last stanza throws me some, in addition to being visually different from the others, it seems to break the pattern of contrast developed. Unless of course there is something I am not getting?

It is a short piece and very provocative up until the last verse. Overall a good job I think. Keep writing.

117

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14 days may be credited.

#2680118

Review of Heart broken, heart mended

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Initial Impression:
I haven't read your other poetry, but I kinda like this one and I think I was with you until the last line.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

A secreat that I shall keep,
Just a typo here.

After he left, he left behind a secret.
A secret that I shall keep,
keep enclosed in my lips,
lips waiting to return that secret when we would meet again.
I know I am not a real bright guy, but I still don't quite follow this, the first three lines I think I get. But, then the last line sounds like you still want the original guy's kiss? Unless of course your kiss is the secret, if that's the case (it's dawning on my numb mind),
Than this is really a cool line!

Phrases or bits I liked:

A faint caress to my cheek, a faint kiss to my lips.
This is just a terribly wonderful line, there is nothing unusual or unique about it, but it is very touching and very effective here, very well done.

lips waiting to return that secret when we would meet again.
I am going with your kiss being a wonderful secret.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I liked it, I am not sure if I am slow or the last bit is confusing to some degree. Overall the piece seem straight forward and and flows fairly well. Nice.

Good job and keep the good work up!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

118

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#2677825

Review of Only Bullies Like Dodgeball

Review by hbar

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Well I am just going to skip the whole template parts about what I don't get and that sort of stuff. This piece is simply too good, and too funny to pick out a favorite part and I could not spot any obvious errors (obvious ones are the only ones I might see so you might want to be careful about the error part).

Very funny, very well done.

119

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#2677745

Review of Forever

Review by hbar

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Initial Impression:
Hooray! Science fiction with science, no dragons or magic. Great idea and very good story.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:
I liked the epilogue, the new future is coming, regardless of John's noble sacrifice. Very well done.

But he saw the potential for disaster in his discovery. So he tested it on the only life he could risk... his own.
Nice bit here, the reader gets an inkling of what is coming regarding the internal ethics discussion. Very nice.

Parts or bits I don't get:

It worked better than he could have ever imagined. The asthma he suffered with for years became non-existent. He felt ten years younger and was beginning to look it. He found he needed less sleep. And he felt healthier than ever before. Cuts he intentionally made into my own arms healed before his eyes, it was like magic.

From this paragraph on there were a fair amount of typo's or grammar errors, kind of detracting overall. I also found the second sentence here sort of confusing, the addition of from instead of with might make it a bit less confusing.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Very refreshing to see some science in science fiction for a change. I can't applaud you enough on that. The plot is a good one and the piece flows and progresses well. The epilogue is excellent for the thoughts left in the readers mind. If not for the number of typos and stuff I would rate this a very solid 5. As it is it is still strong for plot/idea. Very well done, thanks. Keep up the good work.

120

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#2674956

Review of Sour Milk

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Usually I have a template I go through and tell what I liked and what I didn't like about a piece. I am not going to do that for this piece.

This is a very well written piece I think, my only real comment would be that it doesn't really sound like a six year-old talking/thinking through most of it. The afternote at the end is very effective I think, The piece evoked very strong emotion in me, I didn't like it. Not because of the writing or anything, actually perhaps it is because of the writing, the effectiveness of the writing.

It is a sad/terrible subject that should make a person cringe, and it certainly made me cringe. Very effective writing, very well done. You have earned a 5 on this. I look forward to reading more of your work.

121

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#2671716

Review of The Meaning of Life

Review by hbar

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Initial Impression:
An interesting piece i think, definitely a question to ponder.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I could not see any spelling, punctuation, or grammar errors. But be careful, I get hammered for that sort of stuff all the time (read I know squat about spelling, grammar, and punctuation ).

Not because fifty is old, but rather because I view it as a milestone.
Oh how true is this, net yet old but reaching a milestone. But many others look at this as old, or somehow worse?

Had anyone inquired of me what the meaning of life was, I probably would have answered, "I have absolutely no idea", and I would have meant it,
A telling, honest, observation. Very well said and most admirable to admit. Very well done.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Until then, I will continue to do the things that make me feel that I am contributing to society and that make me feel good about doing them.
Okay, this isn't so much I don't get it as it seems to me no different than earlier decades. Further explanation here would help I think.

The teenage years are quite selfish years, and very rarely do teenagers give any great thought to the meaning of life.
In the following sentences it is clarified that there are exceptions to this statement, but they are rare. I think I would argue this point vehemently. If much of the material here by younger writers is read I think it can be seen that the meaning of life is not an uncommon topic. I feel that this is a gross over-generalization and perhaps limited by experience.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I found this piece very interesting, it always is interesting to discover, or hear about another's view on the meaning of life. It is always a personal and almost revealing statement/confession/realization.

I think you have expressed yourself very well here and made clear your feelings on the question and that is not always an easy thing to do. Very well done. Personally I feel that there are some areas that were 'glossed' over, or very broad generalizations were made. And, there is now way that an author can be faulted for a difference of opinion.

So, I think for clarity and effectiveness of your writing that you earned the 4.5.

Thank you for a thoughtful and good essay on this, well done I think, keep up the good work.

122

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#2670894

Review of The Sea Witch

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (2.0)

Initial Impression:
I had a difficult time finishing this piece. And I can't really pinpoint why at the moment

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I coughed up blood.

I sighed with malcontent. I‘m not going to last;
Okay, this is a bit humorous, the blunt resignation, nice.

Parts or bits I don't get:

It was if I were laying atop shredded glass within the bowels of a brick o
It was as if I were laying...

I’m not dehydrated, and that’s good enough to make me feel the least bit confident that I’ll live,
I found this sentence confusing.

There were no signs of the ship, or even a wreckage;
There were no signs of the ship, or even wreckage;
I think it sounds and reads better without the 'a'.

not hoping to aggravate them.
hoping not to aggravate them.

there had to be no more than at least
This seems some pretty awkward wording to me, I would write it as;
there were no more than

Then I felt something, something hard - like the butt of a stick - hitting my right shoulder. My I twisted my head around, and to my horrified expression one of the natives was standing there - the large body of a man with similar markings of the elder.
think there is a bit of a pov problem here, swithing pov in mid-entence?
Then I felt something, the butt of a hard stick against my right shoulder. I turned to discover, to my horror, a large native with markings similar to the elder's.

Overall there is some very loose writing in this piece. If it were me, I would attack it a paragraph at a time. Pick a paragraph, decide what the point of the paragraph is and then get to the point in the least words possible. Then go back and add the descriptions and any of the larger words you would like. I think at times the point gets lost in the abundance of words used.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I had a hard time finishing this because there seems to be a lot of extra writing and the use of some words just for the sake of using them. It is good vary word usage, but I get the distinct impression the story is getting lost in the words.

Most of this piece could use some 'tightening-up', that is a bit more economy in word usage, the words don't need to be simpler, there just needs to be less of them. Just my opinion here.

I think the story is interesting and at times some humour is evident. So I suspect you are onto something good here. I would encourage you to take a bit more time to go through this and then perhaps re-post it. Keep at it though, the vocabulary and imagination are certainly present for a good story.

123

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14 days may be credited.

#2666102

Review of The Test Of Courage

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Initial Impression:
Not so much rambling I'd say, there seems to be a common thread running through this. I'll need to finish this review before I determine my feeling about this piece.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

...but refusing to give in to it.
Ah, how true, courage is not the absence of fear (that would be stupidity or ignorance), but the realization of it, and then dealing with it. Very good point in a world were "No Fear" stickers and t-shirts proclaim too many beings ignorance. Very well put I say.

Parts or bits I don't get:

spoon fed dreams
It is not that I don't like this, it just seems a very gross generalization to me, I would argue that there are many individuals with their very own, unknown to others, personal dreams. It's just they aren't the ones with no fear shirts or all black wardrobes in the name of individuality.

I would argue with the last paragraph. Who does an individuals thinking and deciding? The individuals parents? Teachers? Children? Society? Peers? When does an individual take responsibility for his or her actions? I would think, and it is my opinion, that current societal values do indeed nudge an individual toward accepting no responsibility for their actions. Would not courage, dreams, and individuality be gained by the individual accepting responsibility for the individuals actions? And, then holding firm to them? Just my two cents.

Final Discussion/Impression:
A fairly well written piece, not as rambling as the brief description would lead one to believe I think. There are some gross generalizations in this piece which I think detract from the overall effect of the essay. On the other hand, there are some very good points made also.

All in all, being a fairly well written piece, and considering the thrust of the argument, I think it is fairly clear and concise with the points presented. So in that respect it is very well done and I say well done to you, keep up the thought and the good work.

I am waffling between 3.5 and 4, but I feel this should be a 4 if for no other reasin than the clarity of the points and support presented.

124

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2661888

Review of Charity's Garden

Review by hbar

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Initial Impression:
Definitely creative! Easy and interesting to read.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:

With my eyes on the herbs, I could more clearly smell their fragrances.
This line just jumped out at me, I really like it. Stronger smell because it is enhanced by vision, really original and really cool I think. Well done.

The contrast between treasure trove waiting to be explored and court of air and darkness was well done and paced well. The transition soft and almost scary. Again well done.

Parts or bits I don't get:

victims clothing by the unrelenting thorns
This is a pretty good line I think, but if I were to write it I might take out 'the'

victims clothing by unrelenting thorns
That seems a bit cleaner and even a bit more powerful to me, it kind of gives the thorns a bit more menace it seems like to me. There were a a few places in this piece where I think it would be beneficial to take out a word or two, and it would make a description a bit more vivid.

One more thing (sorry): I turned back to the depraved world I called up. I am not sure what word I would use here but if it were I don't think I would use depraved, many of the connotations that are associated with depraved are too human for the world Charity conjures into existence. That is probably just me though.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Overall I thought this was an interesting and creative piece, same space different worlds, different interpretations. Very enjoyable and interesting to read. Perhaps if it were tightened up a bit and with some word usage thought about it would be a very strong and engaging piece of work.

All in all well done I think. Keep up the good work.

125

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#2661858

Review of times harvest

Review by hbar

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Initially, I liked this piece until I got to the crown if thorns part, where I was a bit taken back.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

The last two lines are particularly strong, and very well worded I think. I am not quite sure I understand the the:

burdens the boundaries of the box

The surrounding lines seem to imply crucifixion? But for me 'boundraies' of the 'box' comes back to the mundane. On a spiritual level, with crucifixion involved, which lines three and four lead me to, I am not sure mundane is really where this piece is going.

So overall, even with the beauty and strength of lines four and five, I am left somewaht confused. Of course in matters of faith and spirituality confusion is a common (mundane) state, so maybe it does all tie together? In that case this is well done.

I am going to stay with the original four stars, I was thinking of going to three, but the whole confusion bit was where I srarted from after one read.

Well done and welcome to WDC Silas