I like your dark poem. I find no errors or negatives. It arouses a lot of feelings about one's own Christmas memories and remnants. You don't tell what happened to stop this particular Christmas but it causes wonder. Very good job.
A very interesting story. No typos or misspellings. Th spaces you left between paragraphs work visually, so I would add spaces where you omitted them. Grammar and punctuation are great. Your old English worked, too.
The ending wraps up a little quickly. we might like a few more details.
Oerall, a great story. Well done.
Nice version of hatching. However, there are some sentences that are too long. For example, you could put a period after enclosure, and start a new sentence with "But no". Remember, if this is a children's story, the sentences should be shorter and easy to understand.
You might consider breaking it up into smaller paragraphs.
What age group are you targeting? Some word choices are okay for sixth graders, but maybe not second graders.
Spelling is fine. Story is great.
Keep writing for children. Good job.
I see you haven't written anything since this, at least not on this website. I hope you aren't discouraged. You need to keep writing.
I would concentrate on the grammar and punctuation. The feelings you write are so strong and difficult to handle, that technical aspects are an area you can control.
In the second paragraph you too should just be to, the do so is understood. Put a comma after Oh.
Near the end, you split an infinitive: It "mostly just". You might try "Mostly, it drives" and leave out the "just". Go through the whole thing and check for commas between clauses. Clear writing might help clear your thoughts.
I don't want to deal with your pain because I am not an armchair psychiatrist. But one thing stands out to me at the end. What do you need to forgive yourself for? You're heaping more blame and negativity on yourself instead of where it belongs.
The last sentence makes me think you're making a big change or leaving your father's sphere of influence. You could expand on that a little.
Good luck with your personal journey. Sorry it's been tough.
Keep writing. It's good for you.
You take us to an alternate world immediately. Even alternate worlds have routines and chores.
The first technical error I saw was a missing question mark at the end of the 5th paragraph. In the second scenario, there should be a comma after Food Prep. In the last paragraph, I think you mean rhythm, not rhyme.
From Read & Review-
I love the poetic descriptions, like sky river, snow flakes on the plains of Spain, and red hair aflame. Obviously, these are carefree young people without too many obligations, comfortable with world traveling. I had a little trouble discerning if one trip or multiple trips were described, because the focus went from Portugal, to France, then a mention of Brazil some day. The couple do seem to be in love or at least strong infatuation.
I enjoyed reading it and felt the passion behind it.
Good job.
What a lovely story. I found it on Read & Review. I loved it. A young girl relates to animals, I liked that the circumstances, the names, etc., were not everyday or run of the mill. They were unique. You did a nice job of contrasting the old ways with the new thinking.
I found no flaws of any kind. I enjoyed reading this. If it were a series, I would keep reading.
Wow. I know there are limitations on flash fiction, but it would have been helpful to know earlier that this was a man. When Gerald's name was mentioned I didn't know if it was the child or the adult.
It was a very interesting introduction and held my interest. It made me want to know more. Obviously, Pippa is old enough to speak, but how old exactly. What impending doom was coming to earth? Why the scientist in the observatory, etc.
Just a beginning. I found no flaws in spelling or grammar.
Good job
A very nice short read. Found no errors or corrections. As for the content, those things happen. I had a friend with a Masters in English who thought for years that Freddie Fender was singing "Oh, a tree in motion." She finally realized he was singing "Oh, what true emotion" in Young Love.
This is a very realistic and not so rare occurrence. Thanks for sharing with us.
Hello, JCosmos
You paint a very clear picture and tell quite a story. It is very graphic and time specific. It has an exotic air to it. I enjoyed reading it.
I saw no errors and have no suggestions for change. I did notice a switch from first person, as in my yarn, my latest hobby, to "they drank" and "their" friends. So it went from a personal experience to a third person observation. That may have been your intention.
Good going.
Hello there. You give wonderful, detailed descriptions. Almost immediately, there is a sense of sadness. I see no errors in grammar, spelling, or such. It sounds like the room of a child who is ready to leave childish things behind.
Good going. Keep it up.
Hello, very nicely done. I could relate to it. It inspired me. Not only do I recall old friends that I would love to see, it occurred to me that many old acquaintances I do not want to visit or engage in conversation. You captured feelings in the present and the past.
I enjoyed it very much. No suggestions.
hello. I found this lovely poem. It is filled with joy and anticipation. You establish the sense of longing, but never get preachy or didactic. It is free verse, and I find no errors or grammatical improvements. It sounds like lyrics to a song.
Keep writing this positive, uplifting kind of verse.
From today's Read & Review.
A nice short story with a surprise ending. I didn't see it coming. Nicely done.
The third paragraph has a run-on sentence. Try a period after good and make a new sentence starting with frankly. Change the word that, since you've talked about feeling good, to business or something to that effect.
Enjoyed reading this.
This was on Read & Review. Thanks for sharing. The poem tells the story of natural growth, and hints that it is like human life. I like that the reader must draw the conclusions; you don't spell it out. It reminded me of a college professor who said the seasons were like our ages. She claimed that autumn, the harvest time, was like middle age. The greatest beauty and bounty were found just before the barrenness of winter and old age. In this case, rotting fruit if no one picked the harvest. It made me hopeful that productivity and beauty don't have to end with age.
I saw no technical problems.
Very good job.
Hello,
Good story on Read & Review. Anyone who has tried to return something can identify with this situation. You make it sound funny, even if trying.
One thing I noticed right off: in the 5th paragraph from the end, you wrote "fires works"; I believe you can drop the s from the end of fire. I would also put a comma after Da da, to indicate a pause like you would have in speaking.
Well done.
This was under Read & Review. How clever. I can see kids being spellbound by this. The repetition is great. I enjoyed reading it myself.
No complaints, no suggestions.
Happy New Year to you and lots of writing!
Reading this certainly brought to mind the words of Shakespeare in "Shall I Compare Thee to A Summer's Day?, when he wrote These words give life to thee". The writer does have a certain power. His or her obsession with a love object does direct the shape of things to come.
You wrote very clearly. I saw no faults in grammar or other technical aspects.
Good essay. Could be used in a writing class.
Hello, I found your poem under R&R. It was lovely. I find no technical faults, and have no suggestions. It did make me wish I could listen to some of those stories or read some of them. Scenes from old black and white movies flashed through my head as I read your words.
Very good job.
Hi.
I found this under Read & Review. It's so true. You've have done an excellent job.
I do think the third line should have a hyphen between mirror and like.
As we age, we tend to dread what we see in the mirror, but can't stop looking. You've captured that real experience very well.
Hello. I read your poem and enjoyed it. It had an air of nostalgia, of being grateful for pleasant memories of childhood. And then I noticed the title and felt confused. Elegy made me think something or someone had died. I had to reread it. It finally occurred to me, I'm slow, that the poet misses dragons and mermaids, It made me think of Wordsworth who felt the innocence of childhood was our most alive time.
I noticed no technical errors or suggestions. It is splendid as is.
Thanks for sharing.
Wow. I admire what you did with the diamond shape. Fitting all those letters so perfectly, while still making sense and paying tribute to a gem, is remarkable. I find no fault, no suggestions. It looks and reads great! Excellent job. You are a master of words.
Hi,
This is a nice story. I just have a few technical items.
The first use of the fairy's name is "Daily". That's a typo, and you can edit it before anyone else sees it and comments on it.
Towards the end, there are a few grammatical things, like "awarded wings that" and then you end the sentence with a preposition. You have several choices. One could be ""wings with which she learned to fly" or "wings that enabled her to learn flying." Something like that.
The last thing I'll point out is that in the last sentence, the comma goes after the quotation marks, not before.
I see this is relatively new, so you can edit as much as you like, unless it was for a contest. After the contest judging is done, you can change anything you like.
Keep writing happy stories. You didn't mark this for children's lit, but you might add that category and get a larger reading audience.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/heartburn
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 12:05am on Apr 04, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
