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Review of Confession  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorcha Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well I was definitely hooked! I want to know what is in that envelope...

One issue I have is with the number of "I"s, I would try to limit those for better flow and challenge. It also needs a touch more description. To me there is a bit too much narration for a first person. In parts I feel like this person is telling me what is happening fact by fact like a list. The reader should be taken WITH the main character through the story. Use more description, maybe put something in about Dean's bedhead or how the frying eggs causes her stomach to rumble and the accompanying sense of warmth and safety upon waking.

Try to incorporate a small hook in the first paragraph to keep the reader going, it is lacking interest. Maybe something about the main character feeling a sense of impending change, either good or bad since I don't know where this story is going. Like a new dawn rising, maybe link that with the morning sun? Or the end of the fanciful veil of night with the harsh light of day?

Hope this helps!
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Review of Vlad's Wife  Open in new Window.
Review by Sorcha Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi! I love the subject of your story. The history of Vlad the Impaler is a fascinating one but I have never thought about him of ever having a wife. Makes good fodder for a great story!

I am no expert, just a fellow writer with an opinion. Please take the following advice in the light it's given, in good nature and always to benefit the story.

I don't know if you meant this to be a quick sample or not, but the events occur rapidly. It's a lot of info and events to process. My advice is to set the scene a little more, plugging in some descriptive language always helps.

Example: It pulled a few strands of hair from her head and she winced.
Or: The deadly projectile took with it pale strands of hair, inflicting pain to her scalp and producing a wince.

Example: She picked it up, holding it as if it were a spider, and slowly unfolded the note.
Or: She picked up the seemingly harmless paper as if it were a spider primed to bite. For it may have held just as much danger, perhaps even more, as the eight legged predator. Slowly Jusztina unfolded the note to reveal the mystery inside.

What is in the note? Was it the warning of upcoming invasion? I found the mention of the brother-in-law distracting.

Also I'v discovered that the more the reader has to connect the dots, the more it takes them out of the story. There are many unanswered whys so far and not a whole lot of ground to stand on.

Hope this was helpful!
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