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Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi, I am Farooq. I am reviewing the story "The Day The Sky Fell" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

You have been doing a marvelous job with Anniversary reviews. I appreciate and applaud your work.

The short story is about how the sky fell one day. I am impressed by the story as the ending is very delightful. Before the ending, I was wondering how you will justify the falling of the sky.

Turns out there is a twist to the story and it is actually about bugs. While reading the dialogue of Karlo, I wondered about the blade of grass and the dribble of water.

You did well to conceal the true nature of the sky as in "solid sky"

The beginning line was great as I was drawn into the story.
I think there should be a comma after this line -->> "Right there"
The comma in this line should be a period -->> "Karlo sighed, he couldn’t believe how " I wont comment much about the conventions. Suffuce to say that a few commas are missing, and some extra spaces need to be cleaned up.

Overall it is a good story and I liked reading. Thanks for the share and Keep writing!

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help. ***
2
2
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the story "A- Redheaded -Disaster" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


The story is about a couple who are in cahoots with each other to commit a crime.

The title is apt for the story.

But it is not clear what actually is the crime. The ending leaves us with many questions. And this is the basic problem of the story. Maybe I missed a point; pardon me for that if I did.

Several other questions:

1 A man was severely wonded --> when all the characters wanted was to provide a distraction.

2. Everything that happens is incidental. like the conductor pulling the chain. what if he hadnt. would they escape in the way it happened?

3. The thoughts of the narrator say that he is aghast about the events when he himself is involved. So he is aware that such things would happen.

Something more subtle in his thoughts that shows his surprise, but at the same time maintains the suspense about the character would be appropriate.

Also please note the following points.

Tense problem : -->> "She pushes through the crowded isle of newly boarded passengers," , "She squeals at the stranger." --> choose one tense to write this in.

Grammar and punctuation errors need to be addressed. one example -->> “Did you get it? She asked. AND Bad move. I thought. -->> These are only some examples.

The idea of the story is marvelous but the questions raised lets it down.

Write On!

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
3
3
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the story "Old-James-MacDougal" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Thes story is about a girl/lady who experiences a strange incident where she meets a man who is supposed to be dead. The idea is great for a short story.

Please have a look at the following suggestions. Please note that I am an amatuer writer and I have done the same mistakes. pls bear this in mind while you read the review.

Looking into the mirror is not a good way to describe how a character looks. It's a done to death method and you must avoid it like the plague.

There are other ways of doing this.

In the following sentence : ""Oh, this is perfect! The one time I dress in all white, I end up having to change a tire! Now I'll end up with dirt and black stuff all over me!" -- >> This internal dialogue just says what the reader already knows and feels. Hence most part of this is redundant and acts as an info dump. The reader needs to be drawn further and not end up reading what he already knows.

Amanda could have done with a little description of her appearence, her age. None is mentioned.

There is a lot of telling and no showing. There are lots of places that things could have been shown and made interesting. Avoid the adverbs and use active strong verbs. this story could very well do with that.

Look at this sentence --->> "Amanda turned to take her keys out of the trunk and also grabbed a bottle of water, she turned to offer him the water and he was gone! She looked high and low and couldn't see him anywhere. She shrugged and returned to the car." -->> it is long and not an easy read.

There are some typos too that need correcting.

Avoid sentences like these "great-great-great-great" . Too many greats. Some things can be left to the reader to understand. Remember we have to draw the reader and make his read interesting.

Keep writing!

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
4
4
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the story "My First Love Phobia" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


From what I understood, the character(whose name is not mentioned) is eager to meet Susan and deliberates before finally going over to meet her.

I believe this is the beginning chapter of a longer story.

Please take a look at the construction of your sentences. They are rather stilted. you can make them more concise by weeding out unnecessary lines.

Look at the following:

These sentences can be merged into one -->> " Susan’s aunty immediately turned to leave. She had just given me Susan’s number."
The word 'fever'' is mentioned several times. What did u mean by that? did u mean to say the character was flustered? If yes try to use it differently or better still use a different word to potray the emotion.

Look at this sentence -->> "“She has been locked up in her room the whole day. Yes. She is at home. " If she is locked in her room then it means she is home. you can do away with the sentence or combine them.

A period is missing in several sentences.
avoid unnecessary adverbs . -->>my heart thumped so heavily -->> thumped is itself enough as it gives the picture.

Please take care of these as the reader should not be distracted and should focus only on the content.

Keep writing!

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
5
5
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the story "Protagonist-Backstory-NaNoWriMo" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

I believe this is some sort of prologue or the introductory chapter of a novel. Its basically about a girl Mia who comes home to find hrself in a situation. She learns that her mother has left them for good. It also introduces us to her sister and her father who I believ is a mean character because of the way she backs away from him.

At the end of reading it, I wanted to read more. This is a good introduction, enough to raise the curiosity of the reader. You have done well on that point.

A few suggestions if I may.

>> "Mia came home unexpectedly early the night that everything changed." -->> punctuation is missing here.

>>Consider revising the following sentence. It is too long, wordy and I lost track before I completed reading it. " Peter had cheated (again) and had been caught (again) because he was too stupid to consider going anyplace else besides the food court at Northgate mall to make out with Alice Smithy, even though everyone knew that Shannon’s best friend, Katherine, worked at the mall."

>> try reducing the adverbs. It is advisable to use them sparingly.

>> In the second para she sees her dad in front of the TV. Then later in another line she sees here sister. Was her sister not visible the first time she saw her dad?

The above suggestions are just minor one. other than that the story seems fine.
Keep writing!

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
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Review of An Ordinary Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "An-Ordinary-Day" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

The story is about an ordinary janitor whose curiosity get the better of him. He chances upon a card/ small CD of some sort on which is stored important company data. he returns the card only to get lucky because the company gets paranoid that he may give the information to some rival company.

The short piece is humorous and witty. The writing style is good and so is the ending.
I liked the following:

"I'm an airport custodian, or janitor if you will."

Someone once suggested to me not to put thoughts in a bracket -->> (it's so folks don't trip on it, I'm told)

Few minor suggestions would be:

In this sentence the dialogue should begin with a capital letter except if it is a continuation of a dialogue-->> in particular, "just what was on that card anyway?"

This sentence can be livened up a bit to build anticipation-- >> "This story starts on an ordinary day." e.g: What was supposed to be an ordinary day would soon turn out to be something extraordinary.. Just a suggestion..not major..

Overall I enjoyed reading and reviewing the story.

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write harder.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and

have added my bit to help.
7
7
Review of Alterations  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "Alterations" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

Its hard enough to write a story but then harder to do it with only dialogues. This story is about a man who is in love with a girl. And he wants to go to great lengths to achieve it. Your imagination is vivid and I see potential in this story to take it further. I encourage you to build this further and make it into a short story. The idea is indeed very promising.

You have done very well and I must commend your effort in writing this totally in dialogue form. The dialogues are pretty good and there is no necessity for any story background.

The only one place that I was confused and I had to go back and read over again is after the dialogue : “Who is she?” Perhaps a more helpful hint

like “Who is this girl lyiing here?” would help.

All in all a good effort.

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write harder.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
8
8
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "Like-a-Simon-and-Garfunkel Song" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

The story is a short conversation between 2 friends. Aiden, has lost his girl friend/wife to some tragedy and has shut himself away from everyone. His friend Callie asks him to open up and come out of his grieving.

I like the way you have written this mostly in dialogue. The language and dialogues are natural and feel very easy to read.

I have some observations that you want to look at:

1. Who is Molly and how die she die/ or did she leave him. Please make that clear so that we can know more about why he is grieving for her.

2. The characters are having this conversation after a year. Aiden suddenly realizes that what Callie is saying is true. The realization is a bit sudden and there is nothing forceful about what Callie said that made him realize his attitude. I mean it was a bit sudden. I wish Callie had said something more strong to make him realize.

Other than that, everything else is fine. But it could be made a bit more engaging by weaving a few more details and making the realization a bit more stronger.

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write happily.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
9
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Review of Wolf Girl  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "Wolf Girl" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

This is a very beautiful piece of story about a girl who is a werewolf and the pathos she feels of being different.

It is a very short piece but full of emotion. It conveys everything in a few lines. For that I must give you full credit.

What I liked best is the lines:

Stalking the mystyifying full moon.
Hunting down innocent animals.

I begin to believe this would do well as a poem rather than as a story.
The last line is the punch line and is very effective.
"If I'm the werewolf, she asked herself, why do I feel as though I'm the one being hunted?"

I encourage you to write this story and take it further as it has a lot of potential.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. All the best for your future endeavors.

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write happily.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was

constructive and have added my bit to help.
10
10
Review of Convincing  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "Convincing" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

Writing a story is not an easy task. On top of that if it is restricted to certain words and that too written wholly in dialogue, it is all the more difficult.

This short piece is a good example of good writing. You have managed to put across many things in the space of 55 words. From what I understood of the story:

There is a guy who is actually a Janitor and he kind of lures a lady to sleep with him by telling her some false story that he is the casting director.
She believes this about him.

Only one thing I can point out : The comma is missing in this sentence after "Well". That will make it more readable : "“Well get dressed kitten, I’m just a janitor.”"

Other than that it is a good piece with a tinge of humor.

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write happily.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
11
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Review of The King Returns  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "The-King-Returns" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

The story is about a guy who sees dreams and maybe imagines people. You have made a good attempt here but there is always lots of scope for improvements. the wife is concerned about his dreams and she wants him to fix it. i wanted to see some more content in this piece as the story line is threadbare.

Also take a look at the following points:

" I saw Elvis in the refrigerator" --> this sounds like he is sitting inside the fridge. I found this phrase again in another para. could u rephrase?

"and a liter of Pepsi." --> can liter be made to a 'bottle'? in some other places u have quantified : like half a sandwich, half a bottle. it doesnt matter how much unless it is significant to the story.

The surprise or shock of seeing Elvis is not very well expressed. it feels like it is an everyday occuring thing.

"I awakened that morning disturbed" -->> since its the next day, u can say "I awakened the next morning disturbed"

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write harder.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
12
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Review of Sardi  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "Sardi" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

Title: The title does not suit the story. Please think of an alternative to justify the story.
The story is about a girl and her companion Sardi. He is killed by Steerpike because he comes in the way, when he tries to accoust(??) Alicia. Sardi comes back from the dead.

Throughout the reading i felt there were many gaps in the story. Who is Jakob? where are the rest of her companions?

In the following sentence : Steerpike put his boot on her head. “Shut up.” -- Did you mean he hit her on the head with his boot?

The ending is not very complete. Does Sardi come back as a ghost or something? what happens to Steerpike?

I suggest you revist this story and see it from a readers point of view and fill the gaps. Other than that I liked the setting, the theme of Sardi coming back from revenge. With a bit of rework this can turn out to be a enjoyable story.

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write happily.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
13
13
Review of A Robot's Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "A-Robots-Life" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

Wishing you a very Happy Account Anniversary. Hope you have many more. Cheers!

The story is about a robot who has the ability to think in the way a human does. The robots are built to simulate most of the things that humans do. The story is very interesting and futuristic. I am sure it is part of a larger chapter and you intend to write more. If yes then I encourage you to do so. Because this story has very high potential.

In the short two paragraphs it managed to arouse my interest and I want to read more. I cannot point out any improvements or suggest anything because it is not complete.

Suffice to say you must take this story forward.

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write happily.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
14
14
Review of I See You  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the short story "I See You" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers. Also because of your invitation to check out this story.

Its no secret that I am an ardent fan of your writing and hope I am not biased in reviewing this piece. So let me try.

The premise of the stroy is very interesting as always. You are an idea factory in the horror/thriller realm.

Its about a lady who is asked to look into the mirror and she is deliberating whether to have a peek or not.

In my opinion the ending was not a shocker. I expected more from the ending. Again I cant help comparing to ur earlier piece "Knock, Knock" or the story of the 2 dead boys or "Do you want ..." Maybe I didnt quite appreciate it or I dont know. The ending where she see a much older image of herself was not very fulfilling.

I hope to see you better your earlier stories Angus. I want to see a tighter framework, tense dialogues and a chilling ending.

One question: I was wondering why did she see her older image only in the bathroom mirror and not the other ones?

All said and done, you are an amazing writer. I want to emulate some of your horror style in my stories. Hoping to get there.

Keep Writing and offer me advise on writing. Thanks Angus. Lookign forward to reading from your port again.
15
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Review of Princesses Desire  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi I am Farooq. I am reviewing the poem "Princesses Desire" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

I wish you a very Happy Account anniversary.

The Poem is very delightful. It is short and sweet. The rhymes are excellent. The idea of comparing your love to the love of fairy tale princesses is laudable. Great idea and hats off.

One or 2 suggestions if I may:
"Aurora’s conqueroring Prince charming," --- i think the word is conquering?

the following line can be made more compact so it reads tightly:
"Seeing the love in your eyes, has caused me to pause."

Perhaps --
Jasmine took on her father and the old laws,
The love in your eyes, has caused me to pause.

Overall it is a good poem and I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for the share. Keep writing and write happily.

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
16
16
Review of The Dead Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi Farooq here. I am reviewing the short story "The-Dead Letter" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

First of all let me wish you a very happy WDC account anniversary!

What a beautiful story this is. It is a short story about a postman who has to deliver just one letter 90 miles away. You have told the stroy in a very precise, yet beautiful manner.

It is hard for me to point out any errors or make suggestions. It is a good example of expressing so many things with so few words.

I may have some observations but they are not very essential. You may just take a look without actually changing anything.

As in my earlier reviews, for stories of this short nature i always suggest adding a line here and there so as to give the whole picture.

Like:
A line saying why there was only a single mail to that part.

A line or two describing the woman's emotions in detail. I so much wanted to know her emotions on receiving a greeting from her dead son.

The title needs a relook. A dead letter doesnt quite suit this well written story.

Thanks for allowing me to read from your port. i sure enjoyed this story.
Keep writing and write happily.
With warm reagrds - Farooq

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and
have added my bit to help.
17
17
Review of HUNTER'S RUN  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


Hi Farooq here. I am reviewing the short story "The Hunters Run" on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers.

It is mostly a one scene narrative of a soldier(thats what i think he is) who has come on a mission to blow up a bridge in order to stop the chinese.

the premise of the story is interesting. The way you have thought out the scene is very imaginative. The dog, the gun, the broken arm, his struggle all make for good action reading. The title suits the story.

But the thing that distracted me from the story was the usage of ending in *ing. You have clipped and shortened them e.g - freakin' - throughout the story. Over using them made the story a not so comfortable read.

The dialogues too follow same pattern of using clipped tones - "Shush up I tol' ya". I suggest you tone down the liberal usage of such words and use them sparingly. That will make it easy to read without distracting the reader form the content.

Overall I must commend your imagination in the way you told it. Howver with the suggestion I made above I am sure you the story will stand out.

Thanks for the share. Keep your mind racing!

*** The opinion expressed is purely from the way I saw your story. Please discount anything you feel is inappropriate. Hope I was constructive and have added my bit to help.
18
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Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey,

I am Farooq here. Let me first wish you a very happy Birthday on WDC.

I am doing this review for the WDC Power Reviews.

I was looking through your port and picked this item for review as the description seemed interesting.

The story was very interesting because of the way it was told. The fact that it was written by highlighting it in reverse alphabetical order added to the story's appeal.

The idea itself is very fascinating, in that you chose to write a well known story but in your style. The characters are great and the interest is kept alive throughout the story.

Some things to consider:

I think the word title needs to be in small letters?
In the line "Nop being to run at speeds" I think the word here is 'began'?

Also in the ending, "But before he could claim the victory, Nop pulled just far enough ahead to end the race with a near photo finish "
I wish you had slightly elaborated how he actually won the race since obviously the rabbit was much faster than him. "Nop pulled just far enough " was not enough.

Nonetheless I enjoyed reading your piece. I wish to read more. Thanks for the opportunity to read your story.

Write Happily!
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Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A SAJ MEMBER TO MEMBER REVIEW!

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Hey I am Farooq and am doing the review for "Fear of the unknown".

You have written a small but well written piece about human nature. You have raised a question about humans as to why they behave the way they do. In fact even I have faced this question at some point of time. your short story indeed made me think about this vagaries of the human mind.

The only thing I can comment on is the length of the story. It is too small that I can offer constructive reviews. I mean if you had elaborated it further with more examples or dwelt on the human aspect it would have more meat to it. I wish however that you expand this piece further for anyone to offer a substantial review.

That said I like this story as it made me think.
Write On! and Write Happily!
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Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi I am Farooq doing the review for "The Marching Monkeys"

I was going through your port and am amazed to see that you have written quite a number of stories and poetry. Hats off to that. You indeed seem to be a very bright and intelligent person.

The story is very innocent and well written. Its about a group of monkeys who are in search of their bananas which they love eating. They get trapped by the crocodiles who want to eat them. The eagles help them find their way to the trees and it makes the monkeys very happy.

It is a very simple tale but told in a very nice way.

You would like help on spelling and grammar so I will try to help you out in whatever best way I can:
You can refer to a crocodile as croc and not crock.

In the foll sentence " Why are you laying near our stream?” The lead crock asked, as he walked towards the monkeys" can be rephrased as:

” Why are you lying near our stream?” the lead croc asked as he walked towards the monkeys.

You can make the change in other places too. The action can continue with the dialogue here.
In the foll sentence:

"And the monkeys started running around in circles yelling im to young to be food but this did not happen for the eagles pecked them on their heads one by one driving them off."

can be rephrased as:

And the monkeys started running around in circles yelling that they were too young to be food. But this did not happen as the eagles pecked them on their heads one by one driving them off.

Sentence is broken down into two.

I hope I helped in some small way.
You are amazing and have written a very nice story. I want to read more from your port. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read your story. Just keep learning the grammar and spelling and I am sure your work will shine.

Best of Luck!
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Review of A Final Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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I am Farooq, and am doing the review for “A Final Wish”.

Please feel free to take my suggestions and ignore them if you feel they are not justified. I am writing from the point of how I
understood the story.

The story is about a girl who has lost her grand father. She loves him dearly and so does he. The angel has come to take away his soul
and fulfils his one last wish to see his grand daughter again.

What I liked is the emotion and thought behind this story. The setting is great and the story has a lot of potential.

What it could with is:

When you are sending a story for review, it must be free from all grammatical errors so that the reader will not be biased or
distracted from putting forth his fair opinion. Dialogues quotes are missing from several places.

The story does not flow well and the shift of perspectives from the angel to the girl to the grandfather is confusing. The story begins in
the first person narrative and shifts later on. "Another minute and I can open the door. " who is this person? Is it the angel or the
grandpa?

Why does the grandfather want to see his grand daughter one final time is not touched upon. Maybe she didnt get to say goodbye to
him?
"She was a young successful woman now. " I questioned the age of the girl. Was the grandfather seeing her after a long time after she
had grown up?

I request that the next time you ask for a review make sure you do away with the grammatical errors and the other syntax related
aspects.

But the story does hold promise and is good in certain parts like the rain scene of the funeral. You can do with more showing and not
telling as a funeral makes a great settign for playing with words and showing.

Please do write as I see you can improve with more writing.

I may have been a bit severe in my critique of this story. But this is how I felt and I hope you will find it useful. thanks for giving me
the opportunity to read.
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Review of In Mourning  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey I am Farooq and am reviewing “In Mourning”

You have written a poem which is free in style i.e. without meter or rhyme which is okay and not really needed for poetry.

At first glance I couldn’t really appreciate the poem. So I read it again and again. There is a lot of feeling involved in this poem. I can
see that it is real heart felt and written directly from there. I am sure you have written it in a short frame of time. The poem is about
the sorrow felt after the passing away of a dear friend.

What I liked most:
The second stanza is full of visual imagery and is very vivid.

What can be improved:

I was not clear about the following lines

“A warmth, a heat of something different
Threatens and calls to the memories,
Taking them back
Towards the turquoise sky”

And the following:

“But something with in me calls as well
And in my heart, clouds are forming”

I couldn’t quite appreciate the flow of these 2 lines. Maybe it can be rephrased.

Overall the poem is very good. The imagery in certain lines is lush. The emotion comes out very well and is clearly evident.

What I would like is a better rephrasing of the lines I pointed out and your item would shine.
Please feel free to ignore my suggestions as I am not very qualified to review poetry.
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Review of The Message  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hey I am Farooq and will be reviewing "The Message"

When I first read the poem I did not understand the style. But after reading the foot note and understanding the Form, I read through it again. Needless to say I read it again and again.

I wish to write the way you have.
The style, the words are in harmony. There is not one word that is redundant. I want to learn this style of yours as I have written 4 poems myself, but just with basic rhyming.

I particularly liked:
the way u used the words: brushing , embrace in the first stanza.
"its pastel palette on display." - this line is rich in visual.

I dont know whether I am qualified enough to critique this item.
So let me wrap up by saying this poem gave me hope. It is all about your dreams and opportunities. And it is expressed well through a dawn break.

I hope to read ur other poems soon. Please continue to write and entertain us.
Thanks and best of luck.
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Review of Dear Daughter  Open in new Window.
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hey I am Farooq, and am doing the review for "Dear Daughter"

The subject is great. A letter to a daughter who has experienced pain and the inability of a father for not helping her in her hour of need.
The subject has lots and lots of potential for emotions. First of all when you are requesting for a review, please make sure that you have taken care of the grammar atleast to an extent that it becomes readable. Check these out:
" The thought of you used and discarded as such torments my waking thoughts,"
". turning my would be fanciful whims into bombarding "

I had to read them several times to understand.

I also feel that this can be turned into a poem as you have used rhyming words in the first paragraph..

Some of the sentences are very lengthy and one loses track.
What his daughter is actually suffering from is not very clear. Also why has the father not helped her?

I urge you to revisit this item and revise it a bit so one can do justice to the writing.
There is emotion in the writing and I see you can go a long way in exploring emotions further.
I encourage you to write on!
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25
Review by Farooq Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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Hi there,
I am Farooq and am reviewing your story.

What made me select this story was the title. It is so different, but it suits the story perfectly.

You are very good at descriptions. The dialogues are well written. Though the language in the dialogues jar(because of their accents) a bit while reading, it still is good.

The story is that of a westerners view of the people in the Orient. The part where he asks her, her secrets thinking she will reveal some great mysteries of the Far East is really nice. There are many great things in your story. like : "I imagined us living in a paper house with a goldfish pond, and seeing her run at my every beck and call. And then I made the dream even better by bringing in lots of geisha girls to bathe me! "

I liked the way the story was told.

Suggestions:

In my opinion the part of the 2 couples can be toned down or edited a bit as it does nothing more to take the story further.

If you could also elaborate a bit on why the Levi wanted to leave the girl in such a hurry.

The above is just my opinion. Please take only what you feel like.

Overall : It was a good piece of writing and I would like to read more from you. Thanks.
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