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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hxoboyle
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8 Public Reviews Given
23 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Expat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Good intro incident for a discussion of the non agreession principle. The incident itself is sufficiently bonkers to draw the reader in. The trick is to keep your reader once you have him.

It's a tough topic because it's inherently dull as mud. Discussions of the intellectual underpinnings of libertarianism tend toward geeky formality and a certain indefinable turgidity of expression that leaves the reader struggling to finish. Unfortunately, yours effort here is no exception.

Suggestions aren't easy either. But if nothing else I would suggest less formal and complex words. Words and phrases like possess, pertains to, relates to, perogative, desires to, the concept of, ingest, parameter, partake are all needlessly formal and complex. Why not have, is like, wants to, idea, eat, and take? Simpler language in shorter sentences with sparing use of the passive voice is more engaging.

And of course, soft lights and revealing neckline of metaphor can often overcome the homeliness of philosophy.

There is great potential here for black humor also, but it would have to be delicately handled.

Keep up the good work. Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite.

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Review by Expat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your topic is intensely personal and at the same time speaks to a broad potential audience. The theme requires a greater economy of expression to achieve real power.

You need to better develop the hands theme and work your way back to it more strongly in the ending.

Occasional awkward constructions weaken the rhythm and flow of the prose. Specifically, the plural "manners" in the first paragraph, the use of the passive voice "are being depleated," and repeated use of the equivocal phrase "seems to." The split infinitive in paragraph two should be reworked, eliminate the word "seems." Other awkward phrases and words you might consider reworking are "bespeaks," "illuminating," "instructed," and "the reliance of others."

Eliminating the words "really," "kind of," and "very" will almost always improve your writing. Shortening compound sentences generally adds punch as well. Your ending should be strong and unequivocal. Don't warn your reader that you are about to state your problem. Don't equivocate with "at this point," just say what you want to say.

You get off your theme in the second to the last paragraph. What hurricane? And what does that have to dow with any of this?

You have the bones of a powerful piece here. You need to hang lean muscle on those bones. Write on!
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