Meant to get this to you earlier, but couldn't....sorry. But, better late than never!
title: The Prince
chapter reviewed: Damien I: Chapter 1
user name: RedMage
plot: A group of four decide to to rob a house one of them has staked out previously. They enter and are discovered by the "house master". Their robbery is botched and they make a quick getaway. The story has potential (although I'm not sure exactly what the story line is...is it the girl that's crying upstairs?) but the characters and the sentence structure get in the way. So there's definate room for improved. But like I said, tons of potential!
characters: D-Man/Damien - likely to be the MC. He is also the most "learned"/educated member of the group.
Sticks -Likely D-Man's mentor. And probably the guy who brought the group together. So possibly the oldest.
Twitch and Feather seem more secondary. Twitch being the member that scews up the most and Feather probably the best friend type....both are possible comic reliefs really.
grammar: the grammar here actually had a few problems. Just see the Line by Line (you repeated alot of the same mistakes...)
style/voice:third person narrative...
setting: we're not told where exactly. But it seems to be a suburban area? We are also given names like South Gardens.
overall:
WHAT MAY NEED REWORKING:
-the overall voice/narration of this changing too much
-you should work on the character descriptions more…the way you have them now, they pull the reader out of the story.
-I felt there were too many characters introduced, too soon. Now, I’m guilty of this myself, but I think you should really just pick one of them and go with that person. Introduce the characters through him…and later on if needed give them their own chapters (as/if the story calls for them).
WHAT WORKS:
-the mystery of the Towers and the South Gardens…you definitely laying out the characters’ world!
-You definitely managed to convey the atmosphere of theft/burglary. So definite potential.
-There was also a terrific line here: “House is ours.” First thought that came to my head was the movie Panic Room…so you got me to associate the chapter with tension (which I’m thinking you do intend to convey).
LINE BY LINE
Bells rang all across the city tolling the hour. Snow falling, gas street lamps lit white islands of safety and security on every corner of Miller’s Road. The snow gleaming with the light, the very air seemed aglow with it.
[great first sentence! My only suggest would be to delete "all" and maybe add a comma after city(?). You should also decide between either "safety" or "security" not both...it's repetative. Aside from these, great opening IMO.]
Four pairs of eyes appeared in that darkness just beyond the edge of one of the street lamps.
[go with “the darkness” rather than “that darkness”.]
Looking this way and that, seeing no one, they became four heads, four bodies, and eight arms and eight legs as they slunk into the light.
[“they turned into four hands…”]
They were not far from the Towers here.
[ok my interest is up … good!]
They could see the western gate of that walled, city-within-a-city from where they stood beneath the lamp. And they were deep within Green Bows. And along Miller’s Road, the duchy’s largest street no less. The hour late, if anyone were to appear out of the darkness now it would mean trouble. Soldiers or locals, it would make no difference. No one but thieves were ever out after midnight. Not in Avalla. No one else but spies and assassins.
[good paragraph and pretty descriptive…though the less sentence just doesn’t feel right.]
“Quick, which way?” asked the tallest. Called Sticks, he was tall and gangly.
[said Sticks. He was the tallest of the group and a gangly fellow (or something along these lines.]
Shorter, he was of average height for his fourteen years of age and his voice held none of the worry of Sticks’.
[I didn’t sense worry in Sticks’ voice.]
He had spied out this place earlier in the week.
[you should choose another word instead of “spied”…maybe “cased the place”?]
Deep brown eyes swiveling from one side of the street to the other, the boy never stopped searching for trouble. Presently they came to the street. Turning, he led them into its shadows. At the end he halted, taking refuge behind a stack of old crates. Crouching, he turned to the others.
[you should move the sentences in this paragraph around somewhat. They don’t really flow well the way they currently are.]
“The house is the third on the right, just down there,” he whispered.
[“It’s the third on the right, down there.” Sounds more realistic…remember, you don’t have to spoon feed us everything…we can figure a few things out as we read.]
Crouching low, they all listened once more.
[Try: “They crouched low and listened.]
That was a good sign.
[I think you mean: “These were all good signs.”]
Pointing to the two smaller boys, the one called D-Man said, his voice just as soft as the other’s, “Chimney, north corner.” The two nodded and dashed away. A very cold night, the two left edged closer to one another to wait.
[Start this paragraph off with D-Man.]
It was several minutes before the house’s rear door was opened
[“It was a few minutes before the house’s back door would open.”]
He spoke in a soft voice, barely even a whisper. “House is ours.”
[…barely above a whisper. BTW “House is ours.” is a great line! Reminds me of Panic Room for whatever reason (the movie).]
Twitch grinned. Two years older than Feather, he possessed a strange twitch in his right cheek. “Yeah, there’s this girl. Really pretty. I’d like to get into bed with her.”
[too soon for age descriptions/comparisons…do their ages even add anything to the story?]
Sticks rolled his eyes but smiled nevertheless.
[Sticks smiled, rolling his eyes.]
Sticks laughed despite himself. “That’s my job. Now, come on, we’ve all got work to do.”
[“Sticks laughed despite himself” isn’t needed…you should just cut it.]
The chimney’s fireplace here, he found a still warm coal with which to light them.
[you should fix this sentence up. A POV issue with : “…fireplace here…”]
Passing out the candles, they all got to work relieving the house of its valuables.
[Ok, remember, they passed out the candles, first, and then got to work. Couldn’t have down both at the same time, right?]
“I most certainly will not,” said Damien, from his chosen place before a bookshelf. Pulling down a book he flipped its pages briefly before replacing it on the shelf. Then, smiling sadly, he glanced over his shoulder at Twitch. “You wouldn’t like her. She’s ugly and much too old for you.”
[Ok because you already have so many characters introduced…it’s not a good idea to give one character two names, the way you’re doing with D-Man/Damien. Stick with one name…in my opinion go with Damien. And make him the focal point of the group. Everyone else can go by nicknames.]
D-Man, the title he had been given when Sticks had found him, it designated him as the most learned man of their gang. Therefore, anything that did not directly involve picking locks, sneaking into homes and businesses and relieving them of their valuables, was his responsibility. Day Man, it meant. The one who takes care of the daylight affairs of the gang.
[Ok then, is D-Man the leader of the group? Also the background is nice but do we need it here? Maybe you should just deal with the scene and fill in the backgrounds as the story moves forward.]
“Thief! Thief!” roared the master of the house.
[The master of the house roared.]
Damien’s eyes widening, he stopped listening and started moving. Running down the hall, he glanced into every door he passed, looking for the others. Upstairs he could hear a girl crying, her father cursing as he stumbled about in the dark.
[Consider rewriting: “Damien’s eyes widened and started to move quickly. He ran down the hall, glancing into each door as he passed by. He heard a girl crying upstairs.” Who’s stumbling? The father or Damien? I’m not clear.]
Twitch was there, suddenly darting out in front of him.
[Twitch darted out in front of him.]
“Bigger problems? Like what?”
“Oh, maybe like the guards chasin’ us.”
[funny.]
“Step on it Twitch,” he shouted as the boy started to fall behind. “And stay close. This may get real dicey, real quick.”
[Ok, good way to build up suspense.]
Behind them the guards too began to pick up their speed.
[you don’t need “too”.]
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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