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Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
It was always the magic of elusive simplicity that I admired in Frost, coupled with humanity and nature.

It is rare indeed to find a poet capable of such acute emotional and sensory expression in apt brevity. This is an absolute delight to read, feel and experience, because yes, I felt as if I were there.

Fantastic!

A 5.0 among 5.0's that is truly a gem and worth it's rating.

You continue to grow and deepen your expression, and in so doing, continue to humble me with your words!
Thank you so much for sharing,

Mark
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Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
14 Days, 7 Prompts, 1 Story (Feb 2010) Open in new Window.

First and foremost, everything that follows is from my own limited reviewing abilities, my own biases, my ideas about what is good or bad or otherwise. None of it is right or wrong, and none of it needs to be accepted. Accept and dismiss as you choose, this is only opinion, but it is given with the hope that one person’s perspective of your writing can help you in your ultimate goals of polishing your works and your skills.

You will find in my reviews that I am not much of a diplomat. I don’t sugar coat things. I do this for two reasons. The first is that it is what I honestly believe. The second is that I think false praise is perhaps the largest single deterrent to development we fight here at WDC (too many are confused, and praise all writing, when they should only praise the act of writing). Also, I work in a subtractive mentality – where something that displeases me, or I feel is off or weak subtracts from whatever the ideal may be. This leaves me thinking of and concentrating on those things that I believe hold your item back from what it might be when polished or revised. This may not be fair to you, as you do not typically get to read what it is that I like. Or if you do, it is given much less attention. Forgive me my reviewing failings, and try to accept this for what it is intended to be, constructive opinion.

This is given on behalf of 14 Days, 7 Prompts, 1 Story Contest Open in new Window.

Overall, one of the Genre selections needs to be “Romance”

Each Prompt has a deadline, only one may be late, not the first.

Prompt use per round:
1.) In this first chapter you have to use the word five, or fifth, or anything that equals the meaning of five. And you have to include something I can see in nature
2.) In this chapter use something round, something square, something in triangle shape, and something oval.
3.) Give me some comedy relief by having a scene that describes a funny accident involving a cat.
4.) Write about a race between your main character and somebody else.
Ideally, this would happen in the ongoing plot
5.) make your main character sorry about something.
6.) In this chapter use the words: blanket, sheet, cover.
7.) In this final prompt, you MUST wrap up the plot. Do not leave me with unsolved mysteries, couples that don't get each other, or other loose ends. [also] include the words insurance and agent.

Qualifications: You met each of the prompt and contest requirements, congratulations on completing all the challenges of this very difficult contest.

Characters: Tory, John. Two fractured, insecure, imperfectly perfect characters who we discover in their internal fears, dialog action and circumstance. It was enjoyable to get to know them, and see how they got to know each other in this short night. You did a great job of focusing on a particular thing that could be developed in a short story, and did so patiently while still letting us feel some of the emotions that led us right inside your two main characters. Bits and pieces of others were there, as necessary, but these two are the whole story. I really enjoy well done characters, and you did that here. Very good.

Plot: This is really just life, reality, the search for love or for a connection. The plot isn’t going to make anyone’s eyes pop out, but you have a simple story told very well. Short stories need several things to be solid, this is one of them, it stands up. Good.

Writing: It’s nice to see dialog that is believable. It’s better to see it as the focus of all development in a story about interaction. If it had been any other way, it just wouldn’t be as good. There are errors and some descriptions that are loose or weak, but you created two very real people, in a very real situation, and wrote out dialog, action and imbued emotions appropriate to each in every moment of this story. That is just great, and I really enjoyed that. The internal dialog was a great touch, and worked so much better than narrative. You used humor, morals, frailty, empathy and let me feel connected. Excellent job. Some of the writing drifted, some of it, in a few places seemed scattered almost, but not overwhelmingly so – polish is all it needs. The prompts are tough in this contest, you did a decent job working them in, only feeling forced a little bit. Overall, very good job here.

Summary: This is a very simple bit of story, but you brought it alive. That is really what we all try to accomplish, isn’t it? It was engaging, entertaining and generally very well done. I think the only thing really holding it back is that it is a thin plot, with very little to develop. It’s a short story, so that’s ok, though. Get the buffer out, and put a high gloss shine on this, it’s an enjoyable study of two real people finding each other, and possibly themselves.

Congratulations on completing the challenge, good luck with your writing and the contest.

Mark
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Review of My Cartoon Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Comedy Loves Misery - Chapter 7 Open in new Window.

First and foremost, everything that follows is from my own limited reviewing abilities, my own biases, my ideas about what is good or bad or otherwise. None of it is right or wrong, and none of it needs to be accepted. Accept and dismiss as you choose, this is only opinion, but it is given with the hope that one person’s perspective of your writing can help you in your ultimate goals of polishing your works and your skills.

You will find in my reviews that I am not much of a diplomat. I don’t sugar coat things. I do this for two reasons. The first is that it is what I honestly believe. The second is that I think false praise is perhaps the largest single deterrent to development we fight here at WDC (too many are confused, and praise all writing, when they should only praise the act of writing). Also, I work in a subtractive mentality – where something that displeases me, or I feel is off or weak subtracts from whatever the ideal may be. This leaves me thinking of and concentrating on those things that I believe hold your item back from what it might be when polished or revised. This may not be fair to you, as you do not typically get to read what it is that I like. Or if you do, it is given much less attention. Forgive me my reviewing failings, and try to accept this for what it is intended to be, constructive opinion.

This is given on behalf of 14 Days, 7 Prompts, 1 Story Contest Open in new Window.

Overall, one of the Genre selections needs to be “Romance”

Each Prompt has a deadline, only one may be late, not the first.

Prompt use per round:
1.) In this first chapter you have to use the word five, or fifth, or anything that equals the meaning of five. And you have to include something I can see in nature
2.) In this chapter use something round, something square, something in triangle shape, and something oval.
3.) Give me some comedy relief by having a scene that describes a funny accident involving a cat.
4.) Write about a race between your main character and somebody else.
Ideally, this would happen in the ongoing plot
5.) make your main character sorry about something.
6.) In this chapter use the words: blanket, sheet, cover.
7.) In this final prompt, you MUST wrap up the plot. Do not leave me with unsolved mysteries, couples that don't get each other, or other loose ends. [also] include the words insurance and agent.

Qualifications: You met each of the prompt and contest requirements, congratulations on completing all the challenges of this very difficult contest.

Characters: Ken, Sheila, and ahm, BabyDoll (haha). Ken, as ripe as you can get, just kept, ah, exposing himself in his dialog and action. The narrator did well to show herself internally, and through her sarcasm. I felt I really knew these two, and by the end, I had expectations for them. Can’t ask for a whole lot more than that, can ya? They were interesting, too, that was very important to the dynamic you created. The personification of the accident prompt was very well done, and allowed you to build that character, and add to your other main characters. Excellent job.

Plot: Blind date fiasco from the POV of a middle-aged, divorced, standard-lowering defeatist, middle school teacher suffering from self loathing for stooping to internet dating, and happens to have a lot of bad karma hunting her down. Tongue in cheek, pithy, well timed sarcasm and straight humor take us through the tribulations. I laughed a couple times, smiled often. (I really worked hard on not wondering why the date was not stopped before it started.)

Writing: There were several words missing in sentences near the front, and a few places that a wrong word was used. Dialog was quick, relevant, and moved the story along as well as the action did. The humor was easy, dark, and sarcastic – trying not to melt down kinda funny. It was appreciated, and you did a great job delivering it casually. The story came through very naturally. There were a few bumps here and there, but all fixable in a careful read through. Pretty good ratio, though considering the deadlines.

Summary: Overall, I believed you created a funny story with believable and very real characters. The integration of prompts was handled well enough that they did not seem forced or apart from the story. My only nagging thought was that it seemed improbable that Ken had hidden his smarmy nature so well on the internet, and that the date was followed through on when it seemed that was a very bad idea, and easy enough to just escape from. The only point can’t be so that there is something to write. I’d suggest a bit of predate smarm-fear or an Oh-what-the-heck-why-not attitude about proceeding with the date, to set up a little bit more realism. Overall, a good read, with solid writing, a few laughs and good characters. Above average, though a revision and polishing away from the highest ratings.

Congratulations on completing the challenge, good luck with your writing and the contest.

Mark
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Review of Shattered Ice  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
HI Fyn!

Sometimes, when I review, I do just what everyone says not to - but the purpose of this structure is to
capture, as it occurs to me, the things I'd like to convey - I think your writing is strong enough, and your understanding of
feedback sophisticated enough to take this for what it's worth, and apply perhaps a few alternate perspectives to your
very well done poem. I hope you don't mind that it is entirely copied here - I felt it best to convey my thoughts.


A cold snap sharpens focus. Crystal clings to every branch
defining more than outline; long frozen memories come out to play.
Youth buried in year’s drifts; re-emerging in layers as I shrug into my coat.
(curious choice, shrug – invokes a purposeless feel)
Frigid air, a sharp crack of winter’s whip—for brief moment I cannot breathe.
(for A brief moment? I dislike the clumsiness without it)
Combination of stark colors: world reduced to green, black and white.
More than the front stairs are encased in ice.
( I get this, but it’s a weak line – as this is already implied – invoke a more powerful
visual maybe? The world, connected to my stairs, encased in ice?)

Laughter shatters unearthly silence as children spill out to play.
(Unearthly is 50-50 for me here – as it’s a great word choice, but it feels like it alienates
the wholesome image of the kids playing)
Colors soften as a rainbow flashes(flashes works against softens) by: each child bundled in down coat (good line end, feels awkward though)
with scarves flapping as they run, puffs of air (air? Totally unvisual without a real leap – maybe puffs of white?) trailing as they breathe.
Boots crunch, footstep designs break virgin white
as I balance, frozen, halfway down steps of ice.
When did the magic cease? Somewhere I took a lonely branch.

Fiery red leaves stubbornly stick to the burning bush; a coat
of frost blurring red (I think red does not need to be here)to pale not unlike distant memory. I breathe
in time. Wind whisks snow in(feels like a comma to me, lose IN?) nature’s blender. All turns white
and the bottom step vanishes as the world is erased, but the ice (not sure about world is erased – I get that it becomes the magnificence, and looks other worldly but this presentation feels askew of the image and feel I have at this point)
remains. With naught to grasp, to hold on to. I reach for a branch,
but fall into the fire. The ice burns my face. I am too old, and(instead of and, maybe only) tears play.


Yet muscles unfreeze, bones aren’t splintered ice and I breathe
in a sigh of relief. Flexing flightless wings I snow angel the white
snow(repeated too close, feels weird, maybe powder?) on the walk in efforts to rise. I am conquered, the ice
is master here. Direct line of vision: A walking stick stuck to branch;
Frozen in time. Dead. Realization heats(heats is very soft, maybe sears? unless you mean it IS heating) and I won’t play
that hand. A cardinal perches on the split rail fence, his scarlet coat

results in crimson flash. I remember soaring: red rails against white
on my flexible flyer as I raced the wind down hills worn to ice.
The sharp turn at the bottom taken tilted to shoot across the branch
of the river, scattering skaters. For hours, I’d play
until returning, blue lipped, to my grandmother’s warm bread. My coat
soaked through, the hearth blazing so hot I could barely breathe.

Smiling at myself, sitting in the snow, I feel the ice
of age crack and my mittened hands form a snowball. A direct hit on the branch
where the cardinal had been. I haven’t forgotten at all. Rising, I play
with the day, feeling joy as brisk air renews strength (is strength needed here?). No matter, now, my coat
isn’t nearly thick enough, I am warmed by the past brought forward (brought forward is weak – maybe something else, or just leave out? Incarnate?). I breathe
in and the black doldrums are erased to white.

Almost frozen within the ice of forgetfulness I reached for the branch
offered and discovered I could still play. Now new memories coat
and as the world once again returns to white, I simply remember to breathe.
(great ending, but remember to breathe is so over used today – it’s everywhere – that I am saddened to read this here, in such a powerfully beautiful series of images and thoughts)


** Overall comments

- My personal dislike for choppiness causes a lot of my minor word suggestions – I like smooth.
- Some wordiness here, I think some things that aren’t made stronger by more words should be pared back.
- Image confusion – be sure when an image carries, it is mollified at least, until something changes what has already been given to the reader

Fantastic write – as it captures a slo-mo moment surrounded by wonder and renewal through the use of deft sensation and observation – that supports and transforms the remarkable imagery into my own feelings. The emotions therefore are deep, satisfying and whole.

Excellent Sestina, I love the end words, they were used well.

Suggestions, opinions – comments – all just reactions and MY experience – as we all know, they vary. Absorb accordingly my dear, brilliant friend.

*Smile*

Mark
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Review of Kal's Fury  Open in new Window.
for entry "Part 1" Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there Dalyon,

I read Part 1 of your book and wanted to send along my thoughts.

First and foremost, I enjoyed your story. Not like I enjoy Heinlein or Crichton, but more like I enjoy a story I find on WDC that has a good plot, solid characters and somethign interesting about it.

You've had 50 or so reviews, so I assume you've had your fill of this and that petty suggestions. I will keep my suggestions simple.

Be weary of your sentence structure. I read through many instances where an idea was not as clear or vivid as it could have been. I also read in a few different spots where ideas that were unrelated sort of shared a sentence. Along those same lines, commas were used when they were not called for.

SO, some technical issues for clarity - solid characters - though not overwhelmed by their depth or emotions, good story, decent descriptions.


ORIGINAL: It had been three weeks since Kal Jacobs had last seen his son. Through the small blurry window of the trans-orbit shuttle, he had waved to him for what Kal now feared to be the last time. Since returning planet-side, he’d diligently spent the last four days scouring the streets and bolt-holes of New Castellum.

ISSUES: Though I like the first sentence, and like that you wrote the second sentence well, it feels very much as though you haven;t really conveyed the motion, impact or "scene" that this should create. When I look at this moment, I see it differently, and wonder if conveying it in a different way wouldn't make it stronger.

SUGGESTION: Kal Jacobs looked over the memory of seeing his son through the small blurry window of the trans-orbit shuttle. That happened three weeks ago, and Kal now diligently scoured the streets and bolt-holes of New Castellum (for him?), fearful that memory of (his son) would be his last.

It sets up the action of what you present, without changing what you say, only how you say it. Any way you can find to add to the motion, scene, visceral feel of what is transpiring should be taken advantage of...it is the difference between good and very good.

Good luck with it - I enjoyed the read!

Mark
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Review of Different Drummer  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there C.E.

I just read your poem and wanted to share my reaction with you.

The poem itself is simple, and tells of a lesson learned - that you must be true to who you are...
The choice of exceptional words for very deeply true thoughts helps imbue the mood of thoughtful reflection

I love the tone I feel, and the not so unintentional imagery - clearly a thinker has done thunk it up, lol

Only negs here I see are a bit of awkwardness in the pace, and a dislike of some places where it felt like inversions of words/expressions seem to distract.
(but this is minor to the work)

Very well written, nice poem

thank you

Mark
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Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi there C.E.

I wanted to send along these thoughts after reading your emotionally charged poem.

Every now and then we encounter a work that is rife with charged emotions...and that work slides beneath teh readers skin long before they are aware of it.

This is my experience here, with your tale of heartbreaking pain, distance and being clung to....and not really ever being able to let go.

There may be some little bits that are off by rhythm or pace, but the emotions overwhelm it all.

it is difficult to feel this, but the depth of teh expression is really quite impressive

exceptional write C.E,

Mark
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Review of Indigo Girl  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
HI there Hyperiongate,

Alone in a crowd, a small girl is afraid....

It is a good description to gather interest, but this story is so much more than that!

It starts off with a unique hook, then reverts to the story that we have to read to find out how things work together. The characters have, show and pull us into their emotions, and needs. The ideas are clear for the most part, and I enjoyed how it all worked together and concluded.

I think you have a very well put together story here, and it was a pleasure to read it. (I'm not much for getting into edit suggestions, but there are a few things that could use a little work)

Overall, I think this is really well done - nice job

Mark
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Review of Death of a hero  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
HI There Hyperiongate

I saw this story has won the Quatation INspiration contest and has 76 reviews already, with an avg rating of 4.5.

In my WDC experience, that is a situation that sets someone up to not pay attention to even necessary constructive criticism, but I will give it a shot anyway.

Overview: Obviously you have a story that is compelling enough to read through it with interest and a desire to see how things play out. That's really good, and means this is deserving of the praise it has gotten. I liked the idea, and how you worked your characters.

Positives: Emotions! You worked the action and plot enough to create empathy or at least interest in your characters, and that is the crux of interest. Well done. The story is interesting enough and I didn't feel it was overly predictable. That is also a very good thing.

Negatives: Clarity. Some of your sentence structure, dialog and action came across to me as less than ideally clear. I could read the idea and intent, but only through relying on insight and making a few assumptions. Particularly, there were instances where you jammed unconnected ideas into a single moment or sentence. If you were to slow down and make each idea a little more ploddingly clear, both the story, and your reader would benefit.

Conclusion: I'd say this is what I would call a typical middle of the road story. Not overly compelling, nor overly simple. More clarity would make this above average, and if you were to create more emotions, and perhaps isolate the main idea more specifically (ie, not writing background as it if is part of the story) then you would have a very good story.

I'm glad it did well, and has received the praise it has, it is a good solid start. Again, my opinions are my own, I'm no expert, so take what I offer for what it's worth - just something to consider.

Congratulations and good luck.

Mark
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Review of A Word  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I know of (many demotions and removals) and not a one of them achieved the grandiose claims you make here.

Each instance, when the truth was revealed, showed gross misconduct, complete disrespect for the rules or agreements of the site, or blatant fraud.

I feel bad that you have reduced your membership and participation, but surely you understand there are many who are not caught up in the commerce of popularity.

I do not cheerlead, glad-hand, or give rah-rah reviews, nor do I succumb to social pressure. I have a fully functioning and happy existence here.

No doubt you could do the same.

Good luck, sorry to hear of the problems

Mark
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Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there Kathie,

I think what I find most gripping about poetry of any sort is that it can move me, make me feel - especially when I was not expecting to feel.

Your words and imagery here do that well, making me feel it to a point where I wanted to go hug my son.

I think worn shoes for wings says it all, and really captures how unalone a child is when a parent loves them like this - and as well, how our hearts can be stronger than
anything in this world.

well done!

Mark
12
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Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Kathie.

Tough poem to write, tough to read and feel involved, and I have little doubt, brutal to get to the place where you needed to write it.

I really think you captured a great deal of personally touching elements here, and I think you gave me a wonderful view (is that right?) of what he meant, but more importantly, how you dealt, survived, thrived, evolved.

You take us on a journey, a deeply intimate and personal journey, and in doing so, shared yourself with an anonymous public. That is difficult to say the least.
I could wish you you didn't hold back so much emotionally, but it probably is the only way it could be written.

Well done Kathy, I'd say it's importance as a tribute, and affirmation of your own life is far more important than any changes. Keep it as is, and treasure that you could write it at all.

Thank you and good luck to you.

Mark
13
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Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
epICK
*Laugh*

Cow could anyone do a parody better than this?
Man-ure good!
I tail ya, despite it being a bit cheesy, it's really good.

(and borrowed from the beloved Ogden Nash, slightly mangled) "This song is of the bovine ilk, one end is wry, the other, silk."

*applause, applause*

Well done, funny and I could almost smell the...pasture

*Smile* Mark
14
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Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Bugzy,

Ok, a little funny, a little gross, and - as a whole, true a bit too often.

You rolled through this idea, and told me many things,but it seemed weak on the story end, more just explaining somehing in several creative ways.

You used the letter beginnings and ends very well, not feeling constricted by them - but rather running ideas straight past these invisible barriers.

I did enjoy the read, it is entertaining. *Smile*

Thank you, and good luck with Sam's contest.

Mark

(reviewed for , and judged for Invalid Item Open in new Window.
15
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Review of Katrina  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Phydeux,

This AlphA poem is a fine tribute to the human spirit to persevere.
I thought your 2nd to last word was inaccurate - to overcome Katrina's wake perhaps, but to endure the torment and live on, is not overcoming Katrina itself. (anyway - it's a simple word choice you are free to make)

This told a story through the soul of a culture, it's perseverence, and beauty. It is very descriptive, and does allow the reader to feel the essence of both the horror and the undeniable spirit despite (or perhaps becasue of) the loss and devastation.

I liked your use of the alpha, not feeling like you needed to truncate lines - but rather extending them as you needed to make your emotionl point. I think this was a good choice, as there is almost no way to force a rhythm.

I enjoyed your poem, and wish you luck in Sam's contest

Mark

(reviewed for , and judged for Invalid Item Open in new Window.
16
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Review of An Alpha Poem?  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Molly,

I really liked how you did NOT fall into the trap of a different descriptive or thought for each letter set. The theme you write carries across all of the letters as if they weren't there. That transcendence equalls rhythm and lack of realization there is even a form.

Well done!

As for the creativinty of the theme, it is wry, progressive and moves form one end of itself to the other with balance, seeming to conclude just as smoothly as it progress.

I would have liked to see more descriptives that expressed emotion, or dragged me into your feeling, but overall this is really good, congratulations.

Mark

(reviewed for and judged for
17
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Review of The Miracle  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Kiyasama,
Well, what can I say, that you haven't already heard? You do great service to effort in this brutal form. Only bits and pieces feel forced, but it never slows the progression of this horrific event.

You only used 1 word I had to look up, quite telling of your creativity here.

Overall, you have a very good poem, despite the occasional awkwardness. The small bits of alliteration
added a nice fluidity.

My long standing belief that a poem must tell it's own story holds true here, but when I reconsider that 2 children are involved, I wonder why it felt so
mono-narrated, or individual. A simple choice perhaps.

I also felt the moments of religion came across as presumptious.

Well done though, it is hard not to get caught up in your heart wrenching poem.

Good luck in Sam's contest.

Mark

(reviewed for, judged for Invalid Item Open in new Window.)
18
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Review of I MISS YOU MOM  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi There SkyMac,
I read the poem you suggested, and loved the sentiment. (I am also very sorry for your loss.)
I do not find this "dark" as you feared, but rather a couragous stance, and a beautiful tribute to the connection you have to your Mom, and to your faith.
If I scan and accept the generality of those thoughts, I score this a 4.5 or a 5.0, but I am a critical reviewer, always looking for ways to help a poet find clarity, impact and flow.
The very first element I look at is the very point that I believe this is trying to make - what is is saying, and why. In doing this, I find that while you are addressing your Mom, it is in fact a reinforcement of faith, that despite the personal loss, you know you are still connected to her, and that you believe she is in a better place. Thus, this is a poem of personal expression, borne of heartache and love.
When we write poetry, we wish to convey emotion, but more importantly, we wish to draw the reader into the moment. We want them to share or even experience the feelings as they read. To do this, we must show, not tell of feelings and actions. A passive voice lends to distance. Distance equals disinterest.
Always remember to be direct with action, and demonstrative with emotion.
Simplier is always better - fewer words are always better - and short quick stanza cannot contain multiple feelings or events (well, not easily)

Exerpt:Mom it has been nine months ago today
Since God called you home to stayHere, you clearly are not going for a syllable count, so the wordiness is unnecessary. The tense structure is awkward, and the idea is slightly confusing. - DIRECT-SIMPLE-LessWORDY: Mom, nine months ago today, God called you home to stay. This says the say thing, is clearer, less wordy, and keeps the tense structure in tact.

Exerpt:Sometimes I still can hear your voice
I know that you are singing these days to rejoice You combine two thoughts into this tiny 2 lines, and by combining them, you weaken each, and lose the opportunity to express each with the maximum impact. You've also made it word-weak by again being wordy, and a bit confusing. You haven't expressed how the voice makes you feel, or even described it - in what way you hear it. We can make a leap to imagine you hearing her singing.
Sometimes, like a cooing dove, or a childs laugh, your voice sings to me, and I know your loving songs are now sung are to rejoice. Now maybe this isn't exactly what you want to say, but I want to show you how the sentiment can draw us in rather than standing there and explaining.
Your poem tells me you have a great deal to say and express, but I feel none of it. With some modifications, not only will you understand and feel what is here, everyone that reads it will as well.
Please do not hesitate to ask questions, I am more than willing to help you through this very personal and obviously painful expression.

Thank you for sharing this with me, I hope the opinions I've shared are of some use to you.

Good luck,and Write On!
Mark
19
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Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for requesting a review in
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


This is a forum for poetry scoring.
It is intended to offer my own unique and occasionally insightful assessment of your poem through scores in 11 specific categories I feel make or break a poem. This is intended to assist a critical self examining poet. Each section also contains relevant comments.

The Final Score, or tally of all the categories, dictates the rating given for the poem.

WARNING: This forum respects the intent of the Writing.com rating system.

Emotional Impact: Does this item make me feel a particular way, and to what degree. Does it stay in that mood? Do fresh imagery, metaphor and/or solid word choice support it? This is scored on a 1 to 10 scale. SCORE= 6
*Note1*Section Comments:
This seems like you want to feel for someone, but end up being contemptious. I found this a bit too indirect to form the tight connection needed for deep connection.

Fluidity: Does this item read through without a stop or re-read caused by a lack of rhythm, rhyme, meter, confusing images or poor word choice?
This is rated 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note2*Section Comments:
This is well done, but you left out a ?, and some of the imagery left me rereading.

Blend: In every poem, the subject and pace should have camaraderie. If you write about loss, and have a singsong cadence/meter/rhythm, it will feel weird. When they blend, the two combine to enhance the writing.
This is scored 1 to 5 SCORE= 4
*Note3*Section Comments:
This pace and mood fit the subject well.

Metaphor, imagery, other devices etc.: Are they original? Are they used properly with the subject and emotion? Does it follow a theme, or are they used well in contrast? Do the words used for them fit the idea and the rest of the poem?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 5
*Note4*Section Comments:
3rd line - is it about the moon or the viewer? 5th line did not evoke anything in me - lines 6/7 are very powerful and establish the jist of this poem - last line - Rime IS frozen, a weird redundancy

Grammar and Punctuation: Has the intent been conveyed clearly? Has anything had to be reread to see the correct path? Is it over punctuated like a book? Is it under punctuated when some is needed?
This is scored 1 to 5 SCORE= 3
*Note5*Section Comments:
Line 9 should end in a ? - lines 4-7 don't work well as a sentence.

Depth of understanding: Is the subject matter fully conveyed? Is the feel and idea vivid? If there is elusiveness or ambiguity, is it intentional? If it is intentional, does it channel a stream of consciousness, or evoke thought or an emotional reaction?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note6*Section Comments:
I believe your point is made, but it could be firmer and delivered with more impact.

Words: Words are the paintbrush. Is the poem filled with useless wasted connector words? Is it always telling? Has each choice – every word been selected as the best choice? Is there a destructive repetition of words? Are they natural and compatible? This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note1*Section Comments:
You are creative , and clearly make an effort to be original and unique, but some of the choices here detract form the fluidity and clarity.

Structure: Is this a form? If so, does it meet the requirements, and to what degree? Does it fit the form without being forced in place? Is it free verse? If so, is there a rhythm to each line, and thought?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note2*Section Comments:
Though and emotional stops work well here.

Rhythm, Rhyme scheme: Whether forced by form or followed as a scheme, the rhyme needs to be natural, cohesive, unforced and not the main element of the poem. Like a well used metaphor, the rhyme should be something that binds the feel and idea to the rhythm. Does the meter jump around and feel truncated or disturbed by the rhyme? Do the words and lines flow effortlessly?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 8
*Note3*Section Comments:
You know how to use the natural sounds to create flow. Well done.

Originality/Uniqueness: Is this different? Does it tell something in a new way? How strong has this subjet been conveyed?
Are devices combined in a new and different way? Is there a hidden element to this?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note4*Section Comments:
Despite the overuse of the icy/dispassionate metaphor, you still make this a creative and enjoyable read.

Overall Impact: Breathless scale; somewhere between disinterested and deeply moved.
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note5*Section Comments:
The bits of confusion and redundancy leave me slightly seperated from the emotional umbilical cord, but this is a fun and creative read.

SCORE TOTAL = 65 (6.7.4.5.3.6.6.7.8.7.6)

General Commentary: I enjoy your style - you care about the words, and the feelings you are conveying. This particualr poem has a couple spots that lessened the possible impact, but it is still a very nice read.

Thank you and good luck with your poem and poetry.


Mark Author IconMail Icon
20
20
Review of In search of Iris  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Thank you for requesting a review in
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


This is a forum for poetry scoring.
It is intended to offer my own unique and occasionally insightful assessment of your poem through scores in 11 specific categories I feel make or break a poem. This is intended to assist a critical self examining poet. Each section also contains relevant comments.

The Final Score, or tally of all the categories, dictates the rating given for the poem.

WARNING: This forum respects the intent of the Writing.com rating system.

Emotional Impact: Does this item make me feel a particular way, and to what degree. Does it stay in that mood? Do fresh imagery, metaphor and/or solid word choice support it? This is scored on a 1 to 10 scale. SCORE= 6
*Note1*Section Comments:
This is an emotionally neutral poem.


Fluidity: Does this item read through without a stop or re-read caused by a lack of rhythm, rhyme, meter, confusing images or poor word choice?
This is rated 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note2*Section Comments:
Harsh sounding words causing clunky images - (quit, squat) lowerd the score of this otherwise strong aspect.

Blend: In every poem, the subject and pace should have camaraderie. If you write about loss, and have a singsong cadence/meter/rhythm, it will feel weird. When they blend, the two combine to enhance the writing.
This is scored 1 to 5 SCORE= 4
*Note3*Section Comments:
Almost bard like. I like what you do here

Metaphor, imagery, other devices etc.: Are they original? Are they used properly with the subject and emotion? Does it follow a theme, or are they used well in contrast? Do the words used for them fit the idea and the rest of the poem?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note4*Section Comments:
I really liked the dress and the eyelids - and thought quit and squats jarred the read. I strongly suggest softer words. I think their replacement may reward this poem.

Grammar and Punctuation: Has the intent been conveyed clearly? Has anything had to be reread to see the correct path? Is it over punctuated like a book? Is it under punctuated when some is needed?
This is scored 1 to 5 SCORE= 5
*Note5*Section Comments:
Excellt work, you pay attention to intent

Depth of understanding: Is the subject matter fully conveyed? Is the feel and idea vivid? If there is elusiveness or ambiguity, is it intentional? If it is intentional, does it channel a stream of consciousness, or evoke thought or an emotional reaction?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note6*Section Comments:
The last 2 lines had e questioning the simple expression - as to what exactly is the intent. I felt a bit like a shift.

Words: Words are the paintbrush. Is the poem filled with useless wasted connector words? Is it always telling? Has each choice – every word been selected as the best choice? Is there a destructive repetition of words? Are they natural and compatible? This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 8
*Note1*Section Comments:


Structure: Is this a form? If so, does it meet the requirements, and to what degree? Does it fit the form without being forced in place? Is it free verse? If so, is there a rhythm to each line, and thought?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note2*Section Comments:
Solid and easy read, the rhymes are natural, the scheme varies a bit

Rhythm, Rhyme scheme: Whether forced by form or followed as a scheme, the rhyme needs to be natural, cohesive, unforced and not the main element of the poem. Like a well used metaphor, the rhyme should be something that binds the feel and idea to the rhythm. Does the meter jump around and feel truncated or disturbed by the rhyme? Do the words and lines flow effortlessly?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note3*Section Comments:
one of the rhymes is a stretch, but it feels good and reads well

Originality/Uniqueness: Is this different? Does it tell something in a new way? How strong has this subjet been conveyed?
Are devices combined in a new and different way? Is there a hidden element to this?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 8
*Note4*Section Comments:
You take a simple idea and express it creatively. Nice write

Overall Impact: Breathless scale; somewhere between disinterested and deeply moved.
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note5*Section Comments:
Fix a few small things and this will feel like a tallglass of iced tea in the middle of the desert

SCORE TOTAL = 71 (6.6.4.7.5.7.8.6.8.7.7)

General Commentary: I think you have a great talent, and a flair for making something simple into something special.

Thank you and good luck with your poem and poetry.


Mark Author IconMail Icon
21
21
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for requesting a review in
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


This is a forum for poetry scoring.
It is intended to offer my own unique and occasionally insightful assessment of your poem through scores in 11 specific categories I feel make or break a poem. This is intended to assist a critical self examining poet. Each section also contains relevant comments.

The Final Score, or tally of all the categories, dictates the rating given for the poem.

WARNING: This forum respects the intent of the Writing.com rating system.

Emotional Impact: Does this item make me feel a particular way, and to what degree. Does it stay in that mood? Do fresh imagery, metaphor and/or solid word choice support it? This is scored on a 1 to 10 scale. SCORE= 8
*Note1*Section Comments:
This has a soft emotional feel, but it draws me inside exactly as much as you intend. Only the last line of the 2nd stanza jarred me from the feel.


Fluidity: Does this item read through without a stop or re-read caused by a lack of rhythm, rhyme, meter, confusing images or poor word choice?
This is rated 1 to 10 SCORE= 9
*Note2*Section Comments:
This is an excellent use of idea and emotional stops. This reads almost as a smooth stream of clear water. Very good!

Blend: In every poem, the subject and pace should have camaraderie. If you write about loss, and have a singsong cadence/meter/rhythm, it will feel weird. When they blend, the two combine to enhance the writing.
This is scored 1 to 5 SCORE= 5
*Note3*Section Comments:
Bard like compatibility, excellent work.

Metaphor, imagery, other devices etc.: Are they original? Are they used properly with the subject and emotion? Does it follow a theme, or are they used well in contrast? Do the words used for them fit the idea and the rest of the poem?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 8
*Note4*Section Comments:
This poem is short enough that the fabulous first stanza is enough to fill this up. It does feel like coasting to the end.

Grammar and Punctuation: Has the intent been conveyed clearly? Has anything had to be reread to see the correct path? Is it over punctuated like a book? Is it under punctuated when some is needed?
This is scored 1 to 5 SCORE= 5
*Note5*Section Comments:
You are careful to make sure your reader will read just as you intend. It enforces the ideas and emotion, very good!

Depth of understanding: Is the subject matter fully conveyed? Is the feel and idea vivid? If there is elusiveness or ambiguity, is it intentional? If it is intentional, does it channel a stream of consciousness, or evoke thought or an emotional reaction?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note6*Section Comments:
WIthout other information, I would not know what this is really about, but it stands alone very well.

Words: Words are the paintbrush. Is the poem filled with useless wasted connector words? Is it always telling? Has each choice – every word been selected as the best choice? Is there a destructive repetition of words? Are they natural and compatible? This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 8
*Note1*Section Comments:


Structure: Is this a form? If so, does it meet the requirements, and to what degree? Does it fit the form without being forced in place? Is it free verse? If so, is there a rhythm to each line, and thought?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note2*Section Comments:
6,7,8 syllable lines with excellent flow in an ABAB scheme - it is very simple, but works well.

Rhythm, Rhyme scheme: Whether forced by form or followed as a scheme, the rhyme needs to be natural, cohesive, unforced and not the main element of the poem. Like a well used metaphor, the rhyme should be something that binds the feel and idea to the rhythm. Does the meter jump around and feel truncated or disturbed by the rhyme? Do the words and lines flow effortlessly?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 8
*Note3*Section Comments:
Nothing forced, even the semi-rhyme of Stanza 2 works.

Originality/Uniqueness: Is this different? Does it tell something in a new way? How strong has this subjet been conveyed?
Are devices combined in a new and different way? Is there a hidden element to this?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 9
*Note4*Section Comments:
This is a poets version of a thought, original and rich. Very well done!

Overall Impact: Breathless scale; somewhere between disinterested and deeply moved.
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 8
*Note5*Section Comments:
If the impact of stanza 1 was carried throughout, this would be an 11. But only the 1st stanza has the intensity. The last line of stanza 2 is off putting.

SCORE TOTAL = 82 (8.9.5.8.5.7.8.7.8.9.8)

General Commentary: This work is evident of a poet that cares for each word - it's impact, it's flow. The content describes a thought/idea in a way we would not typically view it. A well crafted poem, and worth the time to read several times and enjoy.

In this forum, less than 15% of poems achieve a 4.0 or higher, a very good score, well done!

Thank you and good luck with your poem and poetry.


Mark Author IconMail Icon
22
22
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!


I've entered this several times myself, and always enjoy it. Even more than the creative thinking I must do, I enjoy reading the other entries.

You present the idea and rules well - dressed the forum with a nice graphic and restrained use of ML - all wonderful, great work!

I hope everyone takes a few minutes to look at this, and maybe even the time to enter, it is well worth the time.

Thanks for hosting such a creative contest.

Mark
23
23
Review of Caress/Evade  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Elisa,
I wanted to offer my thoughts regarding your poem. Let me start with the impression I had upon reading the genre selections, and subtitle.
You selected (among others) Romance/Love, mentioned "flirt" and disillusionment. This sets me into an assumptive mode of a one sided romantic persuit.
1st read impression: A generic impression of a retail cloting store worker being hit on by a co-worker - most likely a person in a position of control or power higher than the "victim". The discomfort, awareness and ultimate verbal rejection are put forth in clear descriptives, but lack hard emotional ties.
Reread: Once I reread this, I felt stronger in regard to the telling. This reads mostly as a story, and while using some well placed and appropriate imagery, it comes across as a factual account, keeping me at bay - as an observer. Nothing here pulls me into the events. I wonder why such descriptive distaste and obvious disgust is left with a tone of melancholy. (perhaps it is an attempt at "been there, done that, I'm tired of you morons" - but the words say otherwise, so my conclusion is that it is lacking emotional intensity.)
I do have some thoughts regarding several stanza, and the message that is conveyed, so I will follow your text with comments in color.

I'll push you away,
yet you wander closer
to my inner core.
You creep up back behind me.I like how you make this physical and mental so early in the poem, it sets the depth. I do however, wonder if you are conflicted here, after pushing away, and still finding that there is a presence approaching your inner core. I read this as a mixed message, not as (what I believe you intend) starting to get under your skin in a bad way.

Clasping my shoulders,
mumblings flirting with my ears,
you invade my space,
not intending to let go. I am reading this, waiting to find an answer to the ambiguity. The lack of repulsion or harsh rebuke screams at me that this is accepted behavior, either as an ego boost, or secret desire. I am not ready to accept this - I wil reserve opinions for now.

I smell your shampoo,
a whiff of cloves and walnut.
Fingertips dig in
and stroke my woolen sweater. Descriptive, but it tells me nothing more than the fact that this person is close. Cloves and walnuts mean nothing to me other than it being masculine. "Fingertips dig in" adds to the masculinity, but adds an air of urgency or compulsion.

You just say hello.
Two ear-tickling syllables,
licking at my lobes
distract me from my folding.

All around us are
hoodies splashed in bold colors:
blue fleece and red wool.
We could squeeze into those wares.

No footsteps tread on
the wooden shop floors, so you
let your hands linger,
dig deeper into the wool.

I can feel the heat
float off your whispers. Your hands,
your voice pin me where
I stand in front of glass walls. I've decided to group these 4 stanza together for comment. They all say to me that this is entrancing, if not enchanting - nothing sounds/feels uncomfortable. I am convinced this is welcomed to some degree.

Hello-what a word!
Why not say it to my face?
Must you make a scene
for the shopping passers-by? Finally! disapproval of some sort.

Your grip loosens, but
you hold me, not letting go.
Now what did you say?
Doesn't matter; let me go. Ok, you've settled on "leave me alone", but is it due to the PDA, revulsion, professionalism, other committments?

I hear your chatter-
some rambling about the store,
praises for something.
But I can't listen to you. You're in your own world. Wanting to keep things professional, but you aren't listening. You're on tilt, and I am now expecting some implosion or overt over reaction.

Shifting my shoulders,
I wiggle away from you,
escaping your hands.
I turn, facing you, afraid. Afraid of the reaction, that your rebuke will be met with job related trouble?

I look out the walls,
hoping someone will stop in
to distract you from
me, but everyone walks by. This is well placed, as it is natural to try and avoid this discomfort.

I look toward the back.
The cashier helps customers
unload their wallets
on threads for the holidays.

'Midst the cotton and
flannel, money changes hands.
A lady strides by,
not seeing you stand by me.These two stanzakeep the timeline moving - keep the scene live. Nice work

Still too goddamn close-
I can trace the weaving of
your shrunken sweater.
Dare I ask what's caught your eye? Oh, wow - he's not looking you? Cripes, you already know he's attracted to you and hitting on you - is this a surprise from someone (I now believe to be a) distastefully inappropriate slimeball?

It's not the child
rollerskating out the door
or the kid's clueless
mother who seeks me out.

It's not the sweater-
kelly green with puffs on string-
dangling from my hand.
I search your face for answers.

Eyes not on my face-
they drift about my body.
Your head is bowed, and
I gaze upon onyx spikes.

Look up, you bastard!
I'm more than a pretty rack.
They're not for you to
fuss over while on the clock! Ok, you've noticed everything work related, and this putz is being a classless hormone factory, offering no respect to you as a person.

Don't you understand?
My breasts are for someone else.
Won't he be unnerved
to learn of your crude actions? It's none of his business anyway if you've chosen to rebuff the pass - or are you saying that if this "someone else" wasn't in the picture, things might be different? This ties also to the "on the clock" comment - as if that is the only time they are off limits?

With sweater in hand,
I move a little further
away so I can
get some work done around here.

You're still standing there,
and I still can't see your eyes.
They're fixed on the floor,
avoiding contact with me.

I set the sweater
on the table beside me,
lay it flat on shirts
piled up to my stomach.

As I fold the sleeves,
I see your head snap back up,
those matte orbs
muddling your intentions.

"No," I whisper, and
I move the sweater away.
I'll push you away
with one word: a rejection.

Those tears on your orbs
haunt me as you walk away
when I see I've made you run. I end this thinking there is more than is described going on. Was there some previous flirtation that was returned, maybe a previous relationship? Attractions ignored due to existing relationships? Whatever it is, what I've garnered from the words is not disillusionment, but rather a sympathetic rejection with undertones of mutual desire.

To conclude: This event reads one way, while saying it means something else. Is it intended to be a lie, is it intended to be a self-deception? Is it really a testimonial of the powerlessness of women in the workplace? Written by a less caustic personality I may find something different, but I do not believe the author would find herself as a weak/meek victim - and that adds to the ambiguity. And again, little in this text screams with emotive intensity, while adding such could define the message so well.

I appreciate this as a poem, as an expression, and as a sad reality for so many. I do think it needs clarity of message and more non-telling emotion.

Mark
24
24
Review of Thoughts On Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Thank you for requesting a review in
"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


This is a forum for poetry scoring.
It is intended to offer my own unique and occasionally insightful assessment of your poem through scores in 11 specific categories I feel make or break a poem. This is intended to assist a critical self examining poet. Each section also contains relevant comments.

The Final Score, or tally of all the categories, dictates the rating given for the poem.

WARNING: This forum respects the intent of the Writing.com rating system.

Emotional Impact: Does this item make me feel a particular way, and to what degree. Does it stay in that mood? Do fresh imagery, metaphor and/or solid word choice support it? This is scored on a 1 to 10 scale. SCORE= 7
*Note1*Section Comments:
While I understand where you tell me you are, I do not feel the moment or emotions with you. As an introspective look, this does hold a steady feel, and that is good.


Fluidity: Does this item read through without a stop or re-read caused by a lack of rhythm, rhyme, meter, confusing images or poor word choice?
This is rated 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note2*Section Comments:
My first impression is that this is a scattered mess, but after rereading a few times, I see it is directed. Each idea is a part of the whole, and that is wonderful. I think, though, that it is hard to follow.

Blend: In every poem, the subject and pace should have camaraderie. If you write about loss, and have a singsong cadence/meter/rhythm, it will feel weird. When they blend, the two combine to enhance the writing.
This is scored 1 to 5 SCORE= 4
*Note3*Section Comments:
This is a fairly straightforward internal-external self / melancholy blend. Works well enough.

Metaphor, imagery, other devices etc.: Are they original? Are they used properly with the subject and emotion? Does it follow a theme, or are they used well in contrast? Do the words used for them fit the idea and the rest of the poem?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note4*Section Comments:
You start and end with grossly trite imagery - but you use it with bold intent. The reality version of your imagery is crisp and direct. I'd lose "moire", it doesn't fit.

Grammar and Punctuation: Has the intent been conveyed clearly? Has anything had to be reread to see the correct path? Is it over punctuated like a book? Is it under punctuated when some is needed?
This is scored 1 to 5 SCORE= 2
*Note5*Section Comments:
You're all over the place here, pick a style and stick to it

Depth of understanding: Is the subject matter fully conveyed? Is the feel and idea vivid? If there is elusiveness or ambiguity, is it intentional? If it is intentional, does it channel a stream of consciousness, or evoke thought or an emotional reaction?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note6*Section Comments:
All I get is the experience and discontent of perception. A less general aspect may serve this well.

Words: Words are the paintbrush. Is the poem filled with useless wasted connector words? Is it always telling? Has each choice – every word been selected as the best choice? Is there a destructive repetition of words? Are they natural and compatible? This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note1*Section Comments:
Some clever selections, some not - some misfits.

Structure: Is this a form? If so, does it meet the requirements, and to what degree? Does it fit the form without being forced in place? Is it free verse? If so, is there a rhythm to each line, and thought?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 8
*Note2*Section Comments:
I like how you've used the format to enforce your intent. It works nicely, despite it's oddity.

Rhythm, Rhyme scheme: Whether forced by form or followed as a scheme, the rhyme needs to be natural, cohesive, unforced and not the main element of the poem. Like a well used metaphor, the rhyme should be something that binds the feel and idea to the rhythm. Does the meter jump around and feel truncated or disturbed by the rhyme? Do the words and lines flow effortlessly?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 6
*Note3*Section Comments:
There is little to comment on, but nothing here is destructive.

Originality/Uniqueness: Is this different? Does it tell something in a new way? How strong has this subjet been conveyed?
Are devices combined in a new and different way? Is there a hidden element to this?
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note4*Section Comments:
I'm torn, in that it is generalized, and typical, but told uniquely - so I will go with my emotional reaction here, just above average.

Overall Impact: Breathless scale; somewhere between disinterested and deeply moved.
This is scored 1 to 10 SCORE= 7
*Note5*Section Comments:
If I am glad I read the poem, It is automatically above a 5. While I am not emotionally connected here, you show depth and originality.

SCORE TOTAL = 66 (7.6.4.7.2.6.6.8.6.7.7)

General Commentary: Some tweaking could really intensify this poem. Also, I think the left/right is a bit extreme - perhaps just offset the stanza. I enjoyed the read, and look forward to more of your work.

Thank you and good luck with your poem and poetry.


Mark Author IconMail Icon
25
25
Review by Mark Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Roscoe Author Icon

I was reading your week three entry in Invalid Item Open in new Window.

It is a free verse requiring a dialog exchange, must be 20 lines or fewer, and feature a breakfast cereal, and be a "captured moment between two people".

(Odd bits that sort of force a particular scenario.)

Despite these handcuffs, you've pulled out the Houdini act and defied the odds, escaping the trite.

I loved how you brought focus to the location with a few well placed and chosen words. It was perfect!

I also very much liked the mood set by the dialog, and intended use of an endearing cliche line. It served the purpose well.

A really well catpured moment, that drips sincerity, from the well used paintbrush.

Excellent work - good luck!
Mark
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